#1 Seed in the Midwest - Illinois
Congrats, Illinois. You’re the sane-est person on the show. You’re also devious, dangerous, and not afraid to pop that shirt off. The B1G Tournament was just the initial D.E.N.N.I.S. system implementation, with the NCAAs being the opportunity to Neglect Emotionally, Inspire Hope, then Separate Entirely - as Champions.
#1 Seed in the East - Michigan
As the regular season champ, you’re the other half of Illinois’ Reynolds clan siblings. You are a punching bag - called a “bird”, lazy, and talentless. You’re constantly convincing yourself you can sing, dance, play sportsball, etc. etc. Although the butt of a majority of the gags, you’re also the only one that actually works.
Dee just wants someone to like her, and will go to embarrassing depths to achieve that goal. Man, this is a spot on Michigan take.
#2 Seed in the South - Ohio State
Ronald McDonald (Mac)
In real life, you’re married to
Michigan Dee Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson). You’re also a co-owner of Paddys, and the bouncer.
Unfortunately, the hand to hand combat and athletic capability that you so espouse is mainly posturing. Dennis could, and has very recently, beat you up. It’s also heavily implied that you might be hiding a secret about yourself that would destroy your persona that you’ve worked so hard to build...
#2 Seed in the West - Iowa
Despite having the sharpest elbows in the tournament, no one knows your name. I watch a good amount of B1G basketball, and I can’t name anyone on Iowa’s bland squad outside of Garza.
Alas, you’re one of the more normal characters and can always be counted on to deliver a rejection.
#4 Seed in the South - Purdue
Matt Painter looks like a dude that - #1: Loves Cobb salads, and #2: Loves bacon bits in his hair.
#9 Seed in the South - Wisconsin
Always fans of some warm milk and clammy climates, this group of weirdos is always working to throw a wrench into the Gang’s plans. They lurk around every corner just waiting for a slip up and the chance to compete.
#10 Seed in the East - Maryland
Frank owns the bar. He’s the captain and boss of the Gang. He’s got plenty of money and no reason to be hanging around this group of degenerates.
But here we are. Eating cat food and keeping his pocket full of sausages. This tournament will look like one big game of Nyte Krollers to the Terps.
#10 Seed in the Midwest - Rutgers
Charlie just wants to be one of the gang. But that’s tough when he’s busy with “Charlie Work” (going down by 20 in the first 10 minutes of a game) and eating Milk Steak. It’s also tough being illiterate and spending so much time with Maryland... I mean Frank.
It helps that Jacob Young plays defense like he’s looking for Pepe Silvia.
Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.
#11 Seed in the East - Michigan State
From an ordained Catholic priest to street urchin. The gang consistently enables Cricket to slide further into a life of despair. Losing by 30 to Rutgers will do that to you.
Although constantly rejected by her, Cricket has had a crush on Sweet Dee since elementary school.
I’ll let you scroll up to see who I put as Dee.