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Big Ten Basketball Stonks Report: Golden Gophers In Shambles, Illini In Lambos

Time to make some serious tendies

NCAA Basketball: Purdue at Minnesota
welcome to wendy’s may i take your order
Harrison Barden-USA TODAY Sports

Sorry I haven’t been posting here as much as I usually do. I’ve been busy moving into the house I bought with the returns from trading GameStop stock in January. True story.

I therefore think it’s appropriate to update our traditional Stock Report pieces for 2021, the age of the Stonk Market, volatility, swing trading and YOLOing your home equity into options.

Listen up.

RIP Minnesota Bagholders

If you bought in at the top when Richard Pitino’s Gophers knocked off Michigan at home, congratulations on your new gig at Wendy’s. As soon as Minnesota started to look like a tournament team under Little Richard, that was the cue to take profit and buy puts. You’d be swimming in tendies right now. As I write this, Penn State has taken a 20 point lead on these Gophers. Since beating Purdue on Feb. 11th, they’ve lost three double digit games including a bloodbath against Illinois, and then followed those three losses up by losing to Northwestern and Nebraska.

And yet...there’s still room for this stock to fall. They look completely demoralized and rudderless and as though they know Pitino is done here. PUTS ON $MINN.

Fighting Illini Go Brrrrrrr

Savvy traders saw the massive hit to $ILL stock resulting from the loss of Ayo Dosunmu in a loss to Michigan State for what it was: a value play. As good as Dosunmu is, Ilinois is a more complete team than they’ve been given credit for. Andre Curbelo is way ahead of where I thought he’d be, Kofi Cockburn is still healthy, and Adam Miller is starting to figure it out again. If you were in, it’s probably time to lock in some profit only because Illinois won’t do anything more impressive than Tuesday’s win until the NCAA tournament. It might not be too late to jump in at this point as it’s possible it’ll keep printing money, but if you’ve missed the boat...

Deep Husking Value

A value play I’m looking at is Nebraska.

Hear me out.

This ticker was beaten down by a brutal losing streak and questions about what the hell Fred Hoiberg is even doing. They napalmed Rutgers to win their second in a row, and a loss to Iowa is not likely to kill their momentum. For a few bucks, there’s worse plays than some lotto ticket calls on Nebraska ahead of next week’s tournament.

Puts On Iowa

Luka Garza has probably locked up some individual awards after Illinois proved that they’re a more complete team than they’re given credit for. Iowa did to Ohio State what Michigan did to them the game prior, and they’ll probably handle business against Nebraska, BUT:

  • Quality Thicc Men have been able to limit Garza, as evidenced by Illinois, Indiana and Michigan
  • Underperforming in the postseason is what Fran McCaffery does. For all the fun games they’ve provided and all the momentum they’ve carried into March over the years, their last Sweet Sixteen was in the 90’s.

I’m loading up on puts in hopes that Fran fulfilling his destiny will deliver me a yacht. Might be seafaring. Might be applying for work at Wendy’s soon. Who knows. Scared money don’t make money.

Or you could just hold your Michigan shares like the boomer you are.