There is a Draft and I am Mocking You

The NFL is about to engage in their annual exercise in telling young men where they are allowed to play football next year. It is a time honored tradition, which is why it will be held in Cleveland. Many mock drafts will deal with players from lesser conferences, under the theory that everyone should get to participate. While the P.C. crowd gets their day and perhaps non-B1G players will get drafted, here at OTE we will only tell you the truth. So, in the spirit of telling the truth, here is a B1G only first round, which is what would happen if the media wasn’t pushing their agenda on us.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars - Justin Fields, Ohio State Buckeyes. Urban Meyer gets the Ohio State Buckeye he always wanted. The media is pushing him to take Trevor Lawrence, but you know in his heart he sees Fields, sees him uncork 60 yard bombs like he was tossing lawn darts, and thinks: “that’s a guy I can run into the line of scrimmage 37 times a game.”
2. New York Jets - Rashawn Slater, Northwestern Wildcats. When you think of the Jets, you don’t normally think of a smart organization drafting smart players, so perhaps this move wouldn’t make sense. It’s true that the media is connecting the Jets to BYU quarterback Zach Wilson, probably in some sort of pro-Utah conspiracy. I think the Jets will be impressed by Slater not playing at all last year, which helped Northwestern win the West and nearly upend Ohio State in the championship.
3. San Francisco 49ers - Micah Parsons, Penn State Nittany Lions. The 49ers have fooled everyone into thinking they are drafting a quarterback, but the smart money is that they will look long and hard at Ohio State, er, Penn State linebacker Micah Parsons. Many years ago, in 2017, Parsons was going to go to OSU. Then, mistakes were made. OSU’s story is that there was an NCAA kerfluffle where Parsons “accidentally” met Eddie George and Kirk Herbstreit on a recruiting visit. Parsons story is that he tweeted that the Buckeyes should bench J.T. Barrett, and then never heard from Urban Meyer again. Either way, the 49ers brass wants this guy - what is better evidence of the “coach on the field” than the guy who will publicly call for benching someone? Kyle Shanahan could use someone telling him Jimmy Garoppolo can’t play and should be on the bench.
4. Atlanta Falcons - Greg Newsome, Northwestern. This feels like a no-brainer. While some in the media have connected the Falcons to taking some sort of tight end, here they are with a shot at the best corner in the draft. Plus, Northwestern kids are just smarter - the Falcons could use him to do their taxes during the offseason.
5. Cincinnati Bengals - Kwity Paye, Michigan Wolverines. There are worse things than being sentenced to Michigan. For example, you could be sentenced to the Bengals. Kwity Paye may feel like his life has been one big practical joke after this pick. You work hard hard your whole life, take what I assume was the only Division 1 offer you had, and work yourself into being an NFL prospect. Then, Mike Brown and the Bengals decide to make your name associated with utter failure for the next four years. Good luck Kwity.
6. Miami Dolphins - Jayson Oweh, Penn State. This pick makes a lot of sense for the Dolphins. Oweh is known for a couple things. For one, he is an athletic freak, running a 4.3(!) 40 time while being 6’5’’ and 257 pounds. The other thing he is known for is his sack number last year, which is, uh, zero. The Dolphins see this as a win-win. Even if Oweh does nothing for them in the pass rush, he will excel at chasing guys 40 yards down the field. He will be like a safety, except he will play on the line. That, my friends, is next level genius.
7. Detroit Lions - Rashod Bateman, Minnesota Golden Gophers. The Lions are in need of a receiver after jettisoning Kenny Golladay, and are thankful the top receiver in the draft falls to them. Bateman battled COVID, asthma, and everything else to be one of the best receivers in the land. He is also smart - he committed to the Gophers and spurned efforts by lesser programs like Georgia, as he was a man of his word. The Lions are in search of someone who will stick with them no matter what things like common sense would say, and so Bateman is a perfect fit.
8. Carolina Panthers - Rondale Moore, Purdue Boilermakers. Another one of these no brainer picks. The Panthers have their quarterback in Sam Darnold. The problem with Darnold is his lack of talent and decision making. How do you fix that? By getting guys like Moore. Carolina could run essentially the same play, some sort of shovel pass I assume, to Moore over and over and he will make some plays for them. Darnold should be able to complete at least 60 percent of these 1 yard passes, and by my calculation the Panthers should still get about 375 yards a game. It’s science.
9. Denver Broncos - Jalen Mayfield, Michigan. The Broncos settle for the second best tackle in this draft, and have to go dumpster diving for a Michigan player. Still, John Elway is happy rescuing a Wolverine and setting him to block for Melvin Gordon and Drew Lock. While I don’t remember much about Mayfield playing besides the constant futile efforts of the Wolverines, I’m sure he will be happy to trade in Harbaugh for Vic Fangio, a true legend in the sport.
10. Dallas Cowboys - Pat Freiermuth, Penn State. The Cowboys decide to go for the best tight end in the draft, and “Baby Gronk” goes off the board. This is a match made in heaven, because if there is one thing Gronk likes to do, it’s party. The Cowboys are still cleaning up cocaine in their facility from their glory years with Michael Irvin. I assume Freiermuth will be good at football and whatnot, but the heart of being a Cowboy and a Baby Gronk is your bar tab at the Spearmint Rhino.
11. New York Giants - Wyatt Davis, Ohio State: The hapless Giants are just hoping that anyone they pick isn’t a complete and utter bust. Head coach Joe Judge, who was famously hired in a mixup when they tried to tap Judge Joe Brown, mostly wanders around the facility hoping no one will notice him. Drafting a guard in the first round is part of this strategy, and the less said about it the better.
12. Philadelphia Eagles - Josh Myers, Ohio State: The Eagles see what the Giants did and decide to go one better, drafting an Ohio State center and hoping no one notices. Head coach Nick Sirianni is already hiding from Eagle fans in his basement and sees Myers as a big guy who might scare off crazy fans from attacking him in the street.
13. Los Angeles Chargers - Daviyon Nixon, Iowa Hawkeyes: The Chargers have been consigned to the NFL Witness Protection Program in LA, where no one watches or cares. Will drafting a defensive tackle move some Los Angelinos to see what the Charges are cooking? No, it will not. But he could slot in next to Joey Bosa and when LA fans shrug, they can shrug right back.
14. Minnesota Vikings - Nico Collins, Michigan: Another dumpster dive, as the Vikings have to hold their nose and go with a Wolverine. Chris Spielman’s brother, GM Rick Spielman will have to bite the bullet, because Kirk Cousins needs another target he can overthrow. At least Nico showed his smarts by opting out of Michigan as quickly as he could and avoiding whatever...situation...they decided to put on the field last year.
15. New England Patriots - Kendrick Green, Illinois Fighting Illini. The Patriots typically draft someone I’ve never heard of, and they hit that target again. Kendrick Green is, somehow, good at football, and was even first team all B1G on the OL. I’m not sure if that is real, or even if Kendrick Green is real. More likely, he was created in a marketing meeting to convince Illini fans they have a good player. In any event, he’s the pick and I’ll guess we will see if he’s a real person.
16. Arizona Cardinals - Baron Browning, Ohio State. Kliff Kinsgbury was shown in his super fancy house last year, though the media focused more on his house and less on the fact that he is clearly just picking players by drawing names out of a hat, or maybe by how cool their name sounds. Baron Browning is a cool name, suggesting someone who has inherited a tract of land north of Wales. Kliff might buy a second chair for his house so they can watch Downton Abbey together.
17. Las Vegas Raiders - Pete Werner, Ohio State. The run on OSU linebackers continues, no doubt fueled by their dominant performance against Alabama in the national championship game (which they won, if you just count the legal points). GM and former Notre Dame color guy Mike Mayock has to thread the needle here by grabbing someone who likes to play old school hard hat football for Jon Gruden and who also cuts hair and likes P.F. Changs for owner Mark Davis. Werner hits on all these points, so he is the pick.
18. Miami Dolphins - Jamar Johnson, Indiana Hoosiers. The Dolphins, who have already picked Jayson Oweh, continue to load up their defense with safety Johnson. The writeup on Johnson is he is athletic and good in coverage but made some business decisions when deciding to tackle someone. You know who else makes business decisions? The owner of the Dolphins, Stephen Ross, who is getting old and doing things like giving all his money to Michigan. Pretty easy to connect the dots here.
19. Washington Footballs - Tommy Togiai, Ohio State. The Footballs actually won their division last year at a scintillating 7-9. They went to the OSU well last year in Chase Young, and if Dan Snyder knows anything, it’s how to run a football team. So they go back to the Buckeye train, this time with the ox-like Togiai, who isn’t very dynamic but probably could put his shoulder down and stop a Ford Focus going less than 35 mph.
20. Chicago Bears - Brenden Jaimes, Nebraska Cornhuskers. The Bears just give up and give their draft to Mike Ditka, Ditka remembers the good ole days in the 80’s, when Ronald Reagan was president and being American meant being American and we didn’t have all this other stuff going on. And when you are drafting a college player you look at the best programs and there is no bester program than the Nebraska Cornhuskers. So Ditka just reads down the page and takes the best Husker he can find, which happens to be this guy. He’s an offensive lineman, in case you’ve never heard of him.
21. Indianapolis Colts - Ambry Thomas, Michigan. The Colts cover their eyes and throw a dart towards a Michigan player. At the very least, it’s only a four hour drive from Ann Arbor to Indy, so they probably could just send him a Greyhound ticket. On a bright note, Thomas deciding to sit out 2020 probably single-handedly got Don Brown stuffed in a trash can, so we will always have that.
22. Tennessee Titans - Trey Sermon, Ohio State. Mike Vrabel breathes a sign of relief. He can finally send Derrick Henry to a dumpster on the moon and grab himself a real Buckeye running back, or at least a Buckeye rental. Trey Sermon took a few games to get the Oklahoma off him, but then he turned into Walter Payton until some dirty tricks by Alabama knocked him out of the championship. The NFL should be on notice.
23. New York Jets - Michael Menet, Penn State. The Jets continue the evolution of their offensive line with the center Menet. Confident in quarterback *checks notes* James Morgan, the Jets decide to recapture the magic of the Nick Mangold era and go to the B1G well once again. What could go wrong?
24. Pittsburgh Steelers - Shakur Brown, Michigan State Spartans. The Steelers have hit tough times with the salary cap, but are happy to see one of the draft’s top corners fall to them. Brown still had enough Dantonio in him to turn in a strong season without zombie Sparty weighing him down. The Steelers will hope to pay him in gift certificates to Chuck E Cheese to help their cap situation, which seems like a win for both parties.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars - Chauncey Golston, Iowa. Urban gets another shot and this time takes a defensive end. Urban tried to add Chris Doyle, the Iowa strength coach who caused a kerfluffle with his, er, racism. That didn’t work out so well, so Urban goes with an actual Iowa player. Golston is scandal free, as far as I can tell, so hopefully he lasts longer than the day Doyle did.
26. Cleveland Browns - Derrick Barnes, Purdue. Did you know the Boilermakers had an NFL quality linebacker on their team last year? Neither did I. How about that. About as weird as the Browns drafting 26th.
27. Baltimore Ravens - Benjamin St-Juste, Minnesota. St-Juste was actually quite a good corner for the Gophs. He played high school ball in Montreal, then college ball at Michigan and Minnesota. If he can prove he can play in a climate that isn’t arctic, the Ravens will have a player.
28. New Orleans Saints - Cam McGrone, Michigan. Man, I didn’t even realize McGrone had fled Michigan, much less given them yet another first round pick. His see-ball and run really fast mentality should work well in the NFL, which never does anything to fake out linebackers or get them moving in the wrong direction, which was his main weakness in college. Can’t miss pick.
29. Green Bay Packers - Shaun Wade, Ohio State. Shaun Wade squeaks into the first round by the hair on his chin after an up and down season for the Buckeyes. The good thing is running on the tundra in Lambeau makes anyone look good. Even Charles Woodson had great seasons for the Packers, so it’s tough to see Wade doing anything but Pro Bowl caliber work.
30. Buffalo Bills - Ben Mason, Michigan. Wow! The Bills with a bit of a shocker go fullback in Round 1. Mason, while confined to the Siberia that is Michigan, did show a lot of versatility, playing fullback, defensive line, and linebacker, which just shows how many holes the Wolverines had in his time there. He’ll be a Swiss Army knife practice squad player for Buffalo.
31. Baltimore Ravens - Chris Evans, Michigan. The Wolverines are really tearing up the draft this year. They must have been pretty good last year, right? Anyone? Chris Evans is a squirty running back that will fit right in backing up OSU running back J.K. Dobbins, if he sees the field at all, which he didn’t really at Michigan. While he only ran for 73 yards last season, the Harbaugh to Harbaugh connection really makes the connection.
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Nick Niemann, Iowa. The Super Bowls champs round out the first round with the 32nd straight B1G player in Nick Niemann, who you may remember, uh, doing Iowa like things. While he was at Iowa. Hey man, it’s 32 picks, they can’t all be winners.