Because it’s a Monday and there’s nothing else to do—apparently we might have a preview of the CBB national championship in the works?—I decided to revive a terrible idea I once had:
Unpublished Drafts from the Crypt
Today we’ve got what appears to be something I first drafted in January 2015. I have no idea what I wrote or why; I will leave that to you all to puzzle out...or not.
Because I realized tonight that I'd forgotten to give my gifts to the blogosphere...here they are, in all their unadulterated glory. Did you forgot to give yours to the world--to the B1G, to the non-conference opponents, or to the NCAA? Give them here!
To Iowa State:
We've dealt with your idiot bloggers. We've given you enough. Stop beating Iowa. Please? They're starting to feel bad about themselves--worse, they're thinking about firing Kirk Ferentz. Knock it off. Now.
To Notre Dame:
Stop. Eventually you're going to actually lose to Purdue. In some sport, some day, Purdue will get you. We think. I mean...in the meantime...shit like this might happen LOL DID YOU FUCKERS THINK I WOULDN'T BRING THIS UP
To the SEC:
Come up. Come visit. Seriously. September in the Midwest is amazing. What could go wrong? It's not like you're fucking little wimps and afraid to come visit us up on our territory any time after October 1, right?
Like no. I mean, Paul, let's chat.
While you're busy rising again, can you, y'know, be bothered to come up and play us on our turf? No? Well, I mean, don't let me bother you. It's very sad seeing the face of someone who enabled the SEC, the South, and The Narrative. You can only eat so much crow, but don't ever forget that you fuckers created a myth, then not only failed to live up to it, but failed to live up to the Western Exceptionalism Myth, which crashed and burned in a fantastic 0-5 fashion. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Offer still stands for you to show up in Evanston, Madison, Minneapolis, Ann Arbor, or anywhere else in November and later. I'll provide the earmuffs for everyone from Team Speed Kills.
To the AAC:
You're still a thing? OK. That's gift enough. Enjoy it.
To the Big XII:
HAHA WAIT DOES ANOTHER CONFERENCE NOT HAVE AS MANY TEAMS AS IT SAYS IT DOES? That's my first wish for you. Because the next thing you know, you've split into "Cowpokes" and "Ranchers" divisions, no one has any idea how it happens, and everyone's pissed off.
I mean, otherwise, my gift to you is that you get a conference championship. I mean, otherwise you'll just continue to embarrass yourself on the national scale when the rubber meets the road.