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B1G 2021: Rutgers Bag...people? A forensic investigation into 2022 Rutgers Football Recruiting

A life of crime, or a generous uncle? You decide!

Street Style In Paris - June 2021 Photo by Edward Berthelot/Getty Images

I’m sitting here looking at the 247 rankings for Rutgers Football 2022. It’s July 7th with plenty of time for all these kids to high tail it to a real college football team.

11th in the country? The best players from NJ and Kentucky? Seriously, what’s the deal here. Even some of the “three star” recruits down the list just have ridiculous tape - take this Jojo Bermudez kid - I’m a Hudl professional at this point, but this kid is mossing some of the best programs in NJ as a 14 year old Sophomore:

Hey! He’s from Cedar Creek High School! Same one as all the other athletic kids on the current Rutgers football team!

Anyway, getting to the real question. How is Greg Schiano - a meatball from a Kitchen Nightmares episode in Hoboken - closing the #11 recruiting class in the country, and the fourth in the B1G? That bag cash money. Loosely described as individuals who are close to the university and may generously... pay off an Uncle’s house, or have a slightly used BMW 3 series on lease for that incoming Freshman. Just supporting the team.

In order of competency to execute the transactions, here are 5 potential Rutgers Football Bag-people:

  1. Louis Freeh - Former FBI Director
Senate Banking Committee Hearing On MF Global Collapse

If I had to gamble all the Dogecoin I had ($0), I’d put it on Freeh. A Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Rutgers - New Brunswick, and a J.D. recipient from the flagship Newark campus, he served as the FBI director for 8 years (1993-2001).

He controls and knows all the rules. If anyone knows how to take money and property and put it in someone else’s hands with no trace - it’s an FBI Senior Leader.

And he’s got motive. As we all remember - Freeh led the Sandusky report which came to damning conclusions within the Penn State System. That report was widely dismissed by the PSU Board of Trustees and many individuals associated with the school. He (his) report was summarily rejected from Penn State, much like most Rutgers students. REVENGE!

2. Sebastian Stan - The guy with the metal arm in Avengers

The Last Full Measure Atlanta Red Carpet Screening With Samuel L. Jackson, Todd Robinson And Sebastian Stan At SCADshow Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Roadside Attractions

Note: I knew Sebastian through a friend when I attended Rutgers - turns out putting the school of the arts next to school of sciences makes weird bedfellows. Anyway

A graduate of Rutgers Mason Gross School of the Arts in 2005, Sebastian Stan has done a billion Avengers movies, Hot Tub Time Machine, and The Martian.

Mostly I’ve listed him for two reasons: 1 - a professional actor could probably perform the bag functions pretty well since they have to change roles often, and 2 - wouldn’t it be so post-2020 fitting if we learned that Avengers money was going towards Rutgers Football Recruiting?

We joke about the darkest timeline...

3. Kevin Chamberlain - Bertram on Jessie

Readings From “LGBTQ Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny” Photo by Lucianna Faraone Coccia/Getty Images

Starting to run out of juice here. As any parent of kids that are of an age under 13 right now, at some point the Disney Channel shows up in your household. Jessie, from what I can remember, is a spin off of another show made into it’s own show which spins off into a current show using different child actors but the same premise with the same child actors.

I dunno, he’s like the butler of a bunch of little kids - hilarity ensues. The recipient of a Rutgers BFA, he’s got real acting chops with Drama Desk and Tony Award noms. I ranked him below Stan, because, well, Bucky Barnes has a metal arm.

He just looks like a guy that could slide an envelope across the table at the Marlton Diner that will JUST outbid James Franklin for your college football services.

4. Avery Brooks - Captain Benjamin Sisko (ST:DS9)

11th Annual Official Star Trek Convention Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images

DS9 always has a soft spot in my heart. Super weird, since the original presence of Star Trek is gone... on a stationary space station, Avery carries the series. A no-nonsense guy that you’d want in charge of a giant space station.

But MORE IMPORTANTLY. He’s the creator of the actual class, American History X. His role as Bob Sweeney in the Academy Award-nominated film gives him some credibility on streets while maintaining a hard line of discipline. Who am I kidding, the dude was in the movie for like 3 minutes.

5. James Gandolfini - Tony Soprano (The Sopranos) Rest In Peace.

James Gandolfini Photo by Anthony Neste/Getty Images

I bet you all thought this was gonna be #1. Nope. Why?

Because Tony Soprano got caught. You can’t get caught as a bag man!

And TBH, he LOOKS like a Rutgers employee. Self described as a “fat, bald guy from New Jersey” - he basically is 90% of the university’s staff.

On a serious note, James left behind two children was extremely passionate about the (at the time) really unknown PTSD effects of military members coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan in the 00s’. He deserves the unofficial New Jersey mascot designation.