clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Don’t Watch This; Watch That: Week 0 Guide to the College Football Schedule

New, 51 comments

A Silver Spade! A Brass Spittoon! BRET BIELEMA! We’re back, baby.

Connecticut v Cincinnati Photo by Michael Hickey/Getty Images

If this is your first time at Don’t Watch This; Watch That—college football blogging’s only weekly schedule guide*—fear not! It’s easy: skip all that rambling above where I talk about pet topics from history to travel to beer to cool maps and see below, where I simplify your life by telling you what games matter and what games you can skip right over.
*that includes a semicolon

I don’t have anything interesting to lead off DWT;WT with this week. Yesterday my wife and I went to the Minnesota State Fair, with a healthy dose of masking and just generally staying the fuck away from people as best we could. I ate various foods:

  • Bison Ravioli (from Giggles): Basically a fried ravioli with a bison meatball inside. Came with a sweet bourbon dipping sauce that had a little heat to it. The bison was very good—some basil was noticeable, I think, in there—and the dipping sauce was excellent. Made a great breakfast.
  • Pizza Lucy (from Green Mill, not pictured): take an Italian sausage patty. Pile pepperoni and mozzarella cheese on top of it, with a little pizza sauce for good measure. Now fold that up inside a dough crust. Calzone, you say? No no no, this is the Pizza Lucy, a take on the Minnesotan classic Jucy Lucy. Well executed, but probably just a calzone. Eat your heart out, Ben Wyatt.
  • Paneer Pakora (from Hot Indian): Cheese curds, Indian-style. I really wish I would’ve got for the Kerala Fried Chicken Kati Roll, because these underwhelmed. Breaded, fried, a little spice, but nothing I would go back for. The tomato butter dipping sauce was underwhelming. Please do not tell Padma Lakshmi I had this take and I promise not to blog about it at the Washington Post.
  • BEER! Wife wanted to try the Insight Brewing Waffle Dog Breakfast Ale (a brown ale with maple syrup, cinnamon, and vanilla), I wanted to try the Mankato Brewing Cake’d Up Triple Berry Cheesecake Lager (berries and vanilla or lactose). The Waffle Dog didn’t really nail all three components, for me, while the Cake’d Up did.
  • Fried Chicken Mac’n’Cheese Nordic Waffle (from Nordic Waffle): Exactly what it says on the tin. Nordic Waffle has become a favorite of the MNW household, and the wife’s cinnamon butter and sugar waffle did not disappoint. All three components of mine were excellent—the mac’n’cheese in particular, with the chives, was great—but tough to execute in tandem as a sandwich. Guess that’s why they put a fork in there. (If you want to go here, also get the salmon and chives waffle. Goddamn.)
  • WINE! Got a small red flight. [Disclaimer: We know nothing about wine.] Frontenac Red from Saint Croix Vineyards (wife’s favorite, came second for me—oakier than the rest); Marquette Reserve from Winehaven (came in last for both of us—thinner and a little acidic for us); Barn Quilt Red from Parley Lake Winery in Winona (my favorite—lots of tart cherry flavor here that I reaaaaally dug).

Here are pictures, not only of the food but also some of the must-see things at the Great Minnesota Get-Together:

Now that you are nauseated, I will talk about college football games, some of which feature Randy Edsall.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

{MSOC} Indiana at Notre Dame [6pm, ACCNX]
{B1GVB} Michigan at LSU [6pm, SECN+]
{MLS} Montreal Foot Club vs. Toronto FC [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{WNBA} Phoenix Mercury at New York Liberty [7pm, CBSSN]
{Liga MX} Mazatlan vs. Atletico San Luis [7pm, TUDN]
{NFL} Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs [7pm, NFLN]
{B1GVB} #2 Wisconsin vs. TCU [7pm, BTN+]
{MLS} Orlando City SC vs. Inter Miami [7:30pm, ESPN]
{B1GVB} Colgate at Nebraska [7:30pm, BTN+]
{B1GVB} Illinois at Milwaukee [8pm, ESPN+]
{WNBA} Chicago Sky at Seattle Storm [9pm, NBAtv]
{Liga MX} Puebla vs. Queretaro [9pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Xolos vs. Rayados [9:06pm, TUDN]
{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. LA Galaxy II [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

{MLS} Columbus Crew vs. FC Cincinnati

5:30pm | ESPN | HELL IS REAL

{CFL} Hamilton Tiger-Cats at Montreal Alouettes

6:30pm | ESPNews | Ham -2 | O/U 47

{B1GVB} #7 Minnesota vs. #10 Baylor

8:30pm | ESPNU | at Madison

{AFL} Greater Western Sydney Giants vs. Sydney Swans

12am | FS2 | Elimination Semifinal

I’ll be honest: I almost included Vikings-Chiefs as a “Watch That” just because I’m (1) curious if Kirk Cousins will play, (2) hoping Qork Qoupons gets Theismanned in preseason so I don’t have to fucking deal with his garbage-time-stats-accruing ass or antivaxxing bullshit, and (3) looking for an excuse to share this video with you:

Hey, look at that. I found a way.

Poll

Friday night! FOOTBALL!

This poll is closed

  • 14%
    O Canada!
    (14 votes)
  • 3%
    O Qork, my Qork.
    (3 votes)
  • 20%
    HELL IS REAL.
    (20 votes)
  • 26%
    I am finally ready to learn to love Big Ten Volleyball.
    (25 votes)
  • 1%
    I dunno, some other shitty soccer.
    (1 vote)
  • 10%
    My local sports team is playing on a local channel and I like to watch the local lawyers chase the local ambulances.
    (10 votes)
  • 23%
    I didn’t miss these polls.
    (23 votes)
96 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

{NFL} Green Bay Packers at Buffalo Bills [12pm, NFLN]
{EPL} Liverpool vs. Chelsea [11:30am, NBC]
{Bundesliga} Bayern Munich vs. Hertha BSC [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Serie A} Lazio vs. Spezia [11:30am, Paramount+]
{Serie A} Atalanta vs. Bologna [11:30am, Paramount+]
{WNBA} Las Vegas Aces at Indiana Fever [12pm, NBAtv]

Watch That

Nebraska Cornhuskers at Illinois Fighting Illini

12pm | FOX | UNL -7 | O/U 55

This is it. This is what we’ve been waiting for.

...looking at this tweet, can someone explain to this historian of the Midwest what, exactly, I’m supposed to learn that the Midwest is?

Enjoy the slapfight. Let’s get weird.

Poll

I am watching...

This poll is closed

  • 64%
    Illinois-Nebraska
    (74 votes)
  • 35%
    I have lost my fucking mind.
    (41 votes)
115 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

{La Liga} Elche vs. Sevilla [12:30pm, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Real Sociedad vs. Levante [12:30pm, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} PSV Eindhoven vs. Groningen [1pm, ESPN+]
{Serie A} Juventus vs. Empoli [1:45pm, Paramount+]
{Serie A} Fiorentina vs. Torino [1:45pm, Paramount+]
{EFL} Peterborough United vs. West Bromwich Albion [2pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Olympique Marseilles vs. Saint-Etienne [2pm, beIN]
{MLS} Atlanta United vs. Nashville SC [2:50pm, TUDN/ESPN+]
{MLB} Boston Red Sox at Cleveland Indians [3:05pm, FS1]

Watch That

UConn Huskies at Fresno State Bulldogs

1pm | CBSSN | Fresno -27.5 | O/U 62.5

Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at UCLA Bruins

2:30pm | ESPN | UCLA -17.5 | O/U 68.5

{B1GVB} Kansas State at Nebraska

4pm | BTN | B1G-Big XII Challenge

Despite being coached by Executive on a Corporate Retreat Who Doesn’t Actually Want to Get to Know His Subordinates Todd Graham...

Boise State v Hawaii Photo by Darryl Oumi/Getty Images

...we operate on the assumption that DWT;WT Team of Choice™ Hawaii is still going to be fun behind QB Chevan Cordeiro, RB Dae Dae Hunter, and WR Calvin Turner Jr. The run-and-gun—not quite run-and-shoot—should be able to set them loose in a wider variety of formations.

Please take a sec, though, to remember the losses to the ‘ohana: legendary ‘Bows QB Colt Brennan passed away in May after a battle with substance abuse, and Hawaii play-by-play man Robert Kekaula died suddenly in June. For a program that’s given us so much joy, there’s a ton of sadness and uncertainty these days.

Also yes, there IS a lot of volleyball here! Super-turbo-thanks to Kind of... for bringing the amazing Big Ten volleyball content. This weekend is the Big Ten-Big XII Challenge, and there are some star-studded matchups. Check out his preview:

As far as the fact that there’s a UConn football game on this weekend?

Well, you need to appreciate the Huskies’ 2021 football schedule now that they’re fully transitioned to college football independence after rejoining the Big East for basketball.

FBSchedules

What’s your favorite part there? Is it...

  • The two games against local FCS programs...including one (ARV Holy Cross) they very well could lose and another that’s non-scholarship Yale?
  • Random-ass home games against Wyoming, Middle Tennessee, and AAC title aspirant Houston?!
  • Having to travel to fellow northeastern independent UMass for their “rivalry” game?
  • DOUBLE BYE WEEK?
  • The fact that Clemson might well open up as a 50-point favorite on November 13?
  • Or...that Purdue somehow still wants to play a road game there?

Can’t let Illinois get too far ahead of you, Boilers...

Poll

Afternoon! The buzz of Illinois-Nebraska has worn off, so you ride those good times by watching...

This poll is closed

  • 11%
    ...the dregs of a Fresno-UConn blowout
    (11 votes)
  • 21%
    Big Ten Volleyball! I’ve learned to love again!
    (21 votes)
  • 38%
    Hawaii-UCLA, of course.
    (37 votes)
  • 28%
    Little cat nap to gas up for LATE-NIGHT FOOTBALL, methinks.
    (27 votes)
96 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Eastern Illinois Panthers at Indiana State Sycamores (-13.5, O/U 50.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
North American University Stallions at Louisiana College Wildcats [5pm, LCTV]

{NFL} Chicago Bears at Tennessee Titans [6pm, NFLN]
{Liga MX} Chivas vs. Necaxa [5pm, Telemundo]
{MLS} New York Red Bulls vs. Chicago Fire [5:08pm, ESPN+]
{WNBA} Los Angeles Sparks at Connecticut Sun [6pm, NBAtv]
{WNBA} Dallas Wings at Washington Mystics [6pm, Facebook]
{MLS} Los Angeles FC vs. LA Galaxy [6:08pm, FOX]
{MLS} New York City FC vs. New England Revolution [6:38pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Tigres UANL vs. Atlas [7pm, TUDN]
{MLS} DC United vs. Philadelphia Union [7:08pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Houston Dynamo vs. Minnesota United [7:38pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Alcorn State Braves at North Carolina Central Eagles

6pm | ESPN | Alcorn -13.5 | O/U 52.5
MEAC/SWAC Challenge | Center Parc Stadium, Atlanta, GA

{CFL} BC Lions at Ottawa REDBLACKS

6pm | ESPN+ | BC -4.5 | O/U 43.5

{B1GVB} Baylor at Wisconsin

6pm | BTN | B1G-Big XII Challenge

“North American University” cannot possibly be real:

wha

North American University (NAU) is a private university in Stafford, Texas. NAU offers bachelor’s and master’s degree programs in Business Administration, Criminal Justice, Computer Science, and Education.[1] In the fall of 2013, the university changed its name from North American College to its current name.[2]

NAU is an institution of higher education founded as Texas Gulf Institute in April 2007. The institute offered certificate programs for the first two years of its inception. Upon approval by the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board (THECB) to offer bachelor’s degree programs in July 2010, the school applied to change its name to North American College.

Impossible.

Anywho, a SWAC/MEAC challenge is bound to be a lot more exciting, at least for a couple minutes, than anything the dregs of the MVC get trot out there.

I say “dregs” realizing full well that Northwestern has lost to an Illinois FCS school and is soon to lose to Indiana State.

Poll

Goooooood evening!

This poll is closed

  • 2%
    Alcorn State-NC Central, since ESPN is easiest
    (2 votes)
  • 13%
    Eastern Illinois-Indiana State. As a Northwestern fan, I believe in scouting the enemy.
    (9 votes)
  • 2%
    Y’know? Fuck it. Let’s give NAU-LC a try!
    (2 votes)
  • 16%
    Big Ten Volleyball!
    (11 votes)
  • 5%
    Canadian Football!
    (4 votes)
  • 4%
    An American preseason game that literally means NOTHING because horp horp horp Justin Fields maybe durrrrrrr
    (3 votes)
  • 14%
    I dunno, I guess soccer’s an option.
    (10 votes)
  • 39%
    This poll made me so angry that I’m not going to watch anything. Happy, MNW?
    (27 votes)
68 votes total Vote Now

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

{MLS} Sporting Kansas City vs. Colorado Rapids [8pm, ESPN+]
{MLB} San Diego Padres at Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim [8:07pm, FS1]
{NFL} San Diego [in my heart] Chargers at Seattle Seahawks [9pm, NFLN]
{Liga MX} Leon vs. America [9pm, TUDN]

Watch That

UTEP Miners at New Mexico State Aggies

8:30pm | FloFootball ($) | UTEP -10 | O/U 56.5

Southern Utah THUNDERBIRDS at San Jose State Spartans

9pm | CBSSN | SJSU -22.5 | O/U 56

{B1GVB} TCU vs. #7 Minnesota

8:30pm | BTN | B1G-Big XII Challenge, at Madison

{AFL} Western Bulldogs vs. Essendon Bombers

12am | FS2 | Elimination Final

Mythical birds, ranked:
8. Slavic Firebird
7. Moltres
6. Thoth
5. Zapdos
4. Huitzilopochtli
3. Fawkes
2. Articuno
1. THUNDERBIRD

Thus concludes the list.

I will be finding any possible way to watch UTEP-NMSU, whether that’s signing up for a free trial of FloFootball or just pirating this shit from wherever I can find a semi-legal stream. When the BATTLE OF I-10 is on, you watch the game.

Part of what’s enjoyable about UTEP-NMSU is that there are TWO trophies: the Silver Spade and the Mayor’s Cup—but...CONTROVERSY.

The Mayor’s Cup was added added in 1982 and is nicknamed the Brass Spittoon.[2]

NO SIR, UTEP-NMSU. THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE BRASS SPITTOON. YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM OUR B1G LAWYERS.

Despite having been kicked out of the Sun Belt in 2018—there is no conceivable reason UTEP is in C-USA and NMSU not in the same conference...long live the WAC—and being perpetual fodder to go the way of Idaho and join the FCS, the Aggies have taken three straight from the Miners. Much of that was the disaster that was the Sean Kugler Era in El Paso, but Dana Dimel has been little better: 1-11 (1-7), 1-11 (0-8), and 3-5 (0-4).

Also, today I learned that after NMSU fired Hal Mumme in 2008, the Aggies appointed alumnus Charley Johnson as interim head coach. Johnson had 15 years of experience as an NFL quarterback...but was at the time serving as a chemical engineering professor in Las Cruces.

It’s tough to win in the arid Southwest, but damn if it isn’t good for our late-night viewing.

Poll

It’s late! You stumble back into your mancave with a seventh artisanally dry-hopped IPA made with locally sourced honey, locally milked lactose, locally picked goji berries, and extra licked-battery taste. What’s on the TV?

This poll is closed

  • 22%
    BATTLE FOR THE SILVER SPADE
    (12 votes)
  • 9%
    THUNDERBIRDS
    (5 votes)
  • 3%
    VOLLEYBALL
    (2 votes)
  • 11%
    AUSSIE RULES
    (6 votes)
  • 1%
    SOCCER
    (1 vote)
  • 12%
    whatever’s already on the tv
    (7 votes)
  • 38%
    lol i passed out hours ago
    (21 votes)
54 votes total Vote Now

Here’s an open thread to get you through Friday. Enjoy the games, everyone.