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Minnesota Closing Arguments: 2021 Season Preview and Predictions

It’s time to get overly excited for a team that’s about to lose by at least 2 touchdowns!

“Yes, I do ‘sleep’ at night.”
Photo by Michael Hickey/Getty Images

I. Case History and Opening Statement

I still have a difficult time believing that 2020 happened, so we’re going to ignore it. Last year was a blur, and I don’t need to relive it.

A. Case History

According to some people, Minnesota went 3-4 last season and got blasted by Michigan in the opener, lost on a missed XP in overtime against Maryland, failed to show up against Iowa, and then had Tanner Morgan throw a bad INT on a play that could have been the game-winning TD in overtime of the rescheduled Axe Game.

We will also ignore a hamblasting of Illinois, a win over Purdue (thanks, refs), and an uncomfortably-in-control win over Nebraska while missing a metric shitton of players. Mo Ibrahim is good, Tanner Morgan struggled, and Rashod Bateman sat out, then returned, then left again. The right side of the OL (Curtis Dunlap and Daniel Faalele) sat out the whole season. The defense appeared to have been sitting out on quite a few plays.

But like I said before, it was a blur and I can’t be bothered to care too much.

B. Opening Statement

Look, Minnesota brings a TON back this year. The entire OL from 2019’s 10-2 team, along with QB Tanner Morgan and RB Mo Ibrahim are back and ready to go. Yes, the WR corps is almost all gone and Chris Autman-Bell got hurt in an open practice, but there’s pieces there waiting to shine. The offense should be ready to go.

And the defense? Well, the defense can’t be as bad as last year at times. Right? RIGHT?!

I’m excited for this fall, even with a damn near guaranteed loss to Ohio State coming this week. I don’t care. Get through it without injuries and let’s move on to the other 10 sacks of crap we play and Indiana. This is a good team with a favorable schedule, and we’re going to do what we do best and be wildly inconsistent and entertaining.

II. Discovery

A. What We’ve Written About Minnesota This Offseason

There was a cocktail party

And a story about who PJ Fleck is actually talking to.

A Potluck

Another Potluck

Yet another Potluck

One last Potluck

And a hate piece

B. What We’ve Learned From Pop Culture

In spite of a few changes in my life, I’m still terrible at keeping up at Pop Culture. Even adding a younger significant other in my life has just led to me finally watching Schitt’s Creek last spring. I’m sorry. I’m really terrible at this.

Wait a second...

Schitt’s Creek may be the perfect representation of the Gophers. We used to be rich, but we’ve been down on our luck, and we’re surrounded by Iowa, Nebraska, and wisconsin fans who are “quirky” and “not housebroken” just like the townfolks. Of course, it’s not a perfect comparison because the citizens of Schitt’s Creek are endearing and not terrible deep down, but it’s a start.

How about that? I did learn something from Pop Culture after all.

III. Schedule of Events


Date Opponent
Date Opponent
9/2 (Thursday) THE Ohio State University
9/11 Miami Oxide
9/18 at Colorado
9/25 Bowling Green
10/2 at Purdue
10/9 University of Minnesota Police
10/16 Nebraska
10/23 Maryland
10/30 at Northwestern
11/6 Illinois
11/13 at Iowa
11/27 wisconsin
12/4 Big Ten Championship Game

IV. Emotional Plea

Ladies and gentlemen of the commentariat, you know you need Minnesota football back in your lives. You need the ridiculously positive (emphasis on “ridiculous”) energy of PJ Fleck. You want Mo Ibrahim chugging along like the little RB that could. You want to see what kind of chaos shows up in a Gophers game when you turn it on because that’s comforting.

When we don’t play your team, you can turn it on and know that something insane will happen and it will bring you joy, and you can also be happy knowing that everyone involved is pulling their hair out trying to figure out if they’ll get the win. And I know it as well as you do.

So come on and grab an oar and enjoy the ride. Minnesota being stoic and weird is what we all need right now, and we will deliver for your unending glee.

Ski-U-Mah. Row The Boat. Go Gophers.

V. Verdict

Goddamnit, Beez.


Minnesota in the Big Ten?

This poll is closed

  • 3%
    beez or worse
    (13 votes)
  • 6%
    (25 votes)
  • 15%
    (66 votes)
  • 35%
    (145 votes)
  • 39%
    WSR or better
    (165 votes)
414 votes total Vote Now


Minnesota overall?

This poll is closed

  • 1%
    3-9 or worse
    (8 votes)
  • 1%
    (5 votes)
  • 2%
    (9 votes)
  • 7%
    (32 votes)
  • 18%
    (84 votes)
  • 30%
    (138 votes)
  • 24%
    (108 votes)
  • 14%
    10-2 or better
    (63 votes)
447 votes total Vote Now