I left the house at 11:30 for an appointment. Came back at 2:00, CenturyLink is down. Expected time to be restored? 9:30. Cool cool cool.

So I'm cranky, can't work, wife is irritated with me...I got banished to a coffeeshop!

The wifi is down here, too.

This was published from my phone because, damnit, you need to know what games to watch tonight.

---

Four year ago last weekend, Google cruelly reminded me, I went to Durham.

Hey, no, wait, come back! I promise it’s not really about Duke-Northwestern!

I was doing research in Atlanta, staying in an Airbnb that...well, I had the first floor "master" bedroom: a queen bed with a TV hutch facing it, a private closet, and an "en suite" that was really a Jack-and-Jill bathroom connected to the living room. It was private, though, because the owner nailed a pair of 2-by-4s over the living room entrance to the bathroom. High living.

This was in the English Ave/Vine Park neighborhood where, when I would get on the 50 bus, I would get asked if I was lost. Doubly so because I was taking the bus west, out to the Bankhead Station, to catch a Green Line across town. You know Bankhead, of course:

It was a good time. I fit right in.

Conveniently, and unbeknownst to both my funding department and my now-wife, this research trip was timed to coincide with a weekend on which Northwestern played at Duke.

Isn't it funny how life finds a way?

So, at about 1:00 on the morning of the Northwestern at Duke game in 2017, I rented a economy car from the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport and drove to Durham.

No one has ever mistaken me for an intelligent man.

It was a nice enough tailgate, meeting up with a few old Northwestern Marching Band friends and some local alumni who offered their a car, a few coolers, and a few tables.

But the main event from that tailgate that came to mind was the nice, if odd friend that I made while walking back to my car. This was a guy standing at a pickup truck, drinking out of a red Solo cup, minding his own business. He struck up a conversation as I was pulling a beer out of my trunk, asking if I had flown down for the game, and I told him I had driven up from Atlanta. I asked him if he'd gone to Duke, and he informed me that no, he was a North Carolina State fan.

I know. Me too.

As we talked, he explained that one of his friends was a Duke fan, but they were all just there to tailgate for a while, have a good time, and see where the day took them. They were not concerned about getting tickets, anything else. They were just there, to reiterate, to tailgate at a Northwestern-Duke football game.

Well, that's my kind of crazy. So we talked for a while! He let me know he worked, at the time, for the state ABC, And explained that that position got him access to a lot of good booze that they were drinking out of those solo cups. He asked me my poison, I said scotch or gin, and he came back with a bottle of Lagavulin 16.

So we drank Lagavulin 16, out of solo cups, with an NC State fan, at a Northwestern-Duke football tailgate.

Talked life, talked football, who really knows. But after a little while it was time to go, and he, apparently impressed by how insane I was to do research in Atlanta and rent a car and drive through the night to go to a Northwestern-Duke football game, asked if I wanted to take the scotch with me.

The bottle, to review, of Lagavulin 16.

I said there was no possible way I could take that bottle from him. He paused, said "Yeah, You're right, South Carolina cops are dicks about open bottles and you have to drive back."

So he walked back to the cab of his truck, reached in, and returned, handing me a full bottle of Lagavulin 16.

What happened at that game is, by and large, immaterial. Northwestern was not prepared for the Duke up tempo rush attack, the run was never established, and Northwestern lost. I had a nice time after, heading to a few breweries in the Durham area and then staying out nice and late drinking with a few old marching band friends, including one who is a fantastic environmental journalist in southern California now. Don't remember why that conversation comes to mind all these years later, but it does.

All that, plus the consolation of having that bottle of scotch in the trunk of my rental car.

I woke up the next morning, Sunday, to some sort of an alert or text or general notification that, did I know, a storm was going to hit Atlanta late Sunday into early Monday, and it could turn into the first hurricane to hit Atlanta in years or decades or centuries or whatever. Thought to myself, "Oh wow, so some rain might make it a little tough to get to the archive on Monday morning!" and decided to stop on the way back at a Walmart for some sundry items, just in case.

Reader, I had never seen a Walmart or, indeed, any store, before some sort of cataclysmic storm for which residents were not prepared. I am fairly confident I got punched by an old woman reaching for a case of water. It was not humanity's best moment.

I learned that night that no, I would not be going to the archive on Monday, and perhaps not on Tuesday, as Hurricane Irma prepared to batter Atlanta.

I came out very fortunate from that event. I never lost power, and despite seeing trees blowing sideways out the window, the house sustained no damage. Irma quickly became a tropical storm, moved on, and all I experienced was some mild street flooding.

All I did was sit, in my luxurious en suite, and drink half a bottle of Lagavulin 16.

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

New York Giants at Washington Football Team [7:20pm, NFLN]

{WSOC} Rutgers vs. Drexel [6pm, BTN+]
{Friendly} USWNT vs. Paraguay [6:30pm, ESPN2]
{Liga MX} Atletico San Luis vs. Xolos [7pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Alabama A&M Bulldogs at Bethune-Cookman Wildcats

6:30pm | ESPNU

Ohio Bobcats at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns

7pm | ESPN | UL -20 | O/U 57

{CONCACAF} Cruz Azul vs. Rayados

9pm | Fox Sports 2

Ohio lost, 27-25, to the Duquesne Dukes last weekend. That is the Dukes’ first-ever win over an FBS team. I eagerly await Northwestern picking up a transitive loss to Western Pennsylvania A&T Junior College thanks to this.

I flew to and from Houston yesterday, and it’s common knowledge for Southwest flyers that not only is the best seat the exit row, but it’s the left-side (facing the front), second exit-row window seat that’s the best in the damn house. Stretch your legs out, take a nap.

Well, I couldn’t get that seat, because what I would very rudely stereotype as three medical supply salespeople had taken it upon themselves to spread across that exit row—one who could lay across the whole bench on the right side, two in the three-person exit row. So I, as a large man, sat in the two-seat exit row in front of them.

These three were off to a conference or expo or something, and the whole goddamn flight they just gossiped and chattered away. But they were clearly catching another flight or getting a rental car to drive, and they gave me the quote of the week:

A: “Florida doesn’t have a mask mandate, does it? Or Alabama?”

B: “No, they’re sketchy...like Iowa.”

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

{MSOC} Maryland vs. Michigan [5:30pm, BTN]
{MLS} Inter Miami vs. New York Red Bulls [6pm, FS1]
{MSOC} Penn State vs. Northwestern [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Indiana vs. Rutgers [7pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Wisconsin vs. Michigan State [7:30pm, BTN]
{Liga MX} Necaxa vs. Atlas [9pm, TUDN]

Watch That

UCF Citronauts at Louisville Cardinals

6:30pm | ESPN2 | UCF -7 | O/U 67.5

Maryland Terrapins at Illinois Fighting Illini

8pm | FS1 | MD -7.5 | O/U 60.5

Send me 5,000 messages bemoaning Illinois football all you want, Thump—I’m not giving up on the Illini being a delightfully batshit-insane team just yet. If there’s another coach in the Big Ten who I would be confident of getting caught with his pants—metaphorically only!—down, it’s Mike Locksley.

I will spend half of this game at a bee-themed first birthday party. Thankfully, they have a two-draft line bar in the basement and my wife works on Saturday, so guess who gets to overindulge?

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Nebraska Cornhuskers at #3 Oklahoma Sooners (-22, O/U 61.5) [11am, FOX]
New Mexico Lobos at #7 Texas A&M Aggies (-28, O/U 50.5) [11am, SECN]
#16 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (-13, O/U 57.5) at Buffalo Bulls [11am, ESPN2]
Michigan State Spartans at #24 Miami-Florida Hurricanes (-6.5, O/U 56) [11am, ABC]
Northern Illinois Huskies at #25 Michigan Wolverines (-27, O/U 55) [11am, BTN]
Boston College Eagles (-16, O/U 58.5) at Temple Owls [11am, ESPNU]
UConn Huskies at Army Black Knights (-33.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, CBSSN]
Chattanooga Mocs at Kentucky Wildcats [11am, ESPN+]
SEMO State Redhawks at Missouri Tigers [11am, ESPN+]
Tennessee Tech Golden Eagles at Tennessee Volunteers [11am, ESPN+]
Western Michigan Broncos at Pittsburgh Panthers (-15, O/U 60.5) [11am, ESPN3]
Albany Great Danes at Syracuse Orange [11am, ACCN]

{EPL} Aston Villa vs. Everton [11:30am, NBC]
{Bundesliga} Koln vs. RB Leipzig [11:30am, ESPN+]

Watch That

#8 Cincinnati Bearcats at Indiana Hoosiers

11am | ESPN | Cincy -3.5 | O/U 50

#15 Virginia Tech Hokies at West Virginia Mountaineers

11am | FS1 | WVU -3 | O/U 50.5

Minnesota Gophers at Colorado Buffaloes

12pm | Pac-12 Network | Colo -3 | O/U 48.5

Hampton Pirates at Howard Bison

11am | NBCSN | Hampton -1.5 | Audi Field, Washington, DC

Update: fuck you, Notre Dame.

The Lobos are gonna get boatraced by Texas A&M, as is right and just, but let’s bask in one of those really fucking cool things that happened last weekend—and no, I don’t mean A&M only managing 10 points in a win over Colorado at Mile High:

I have a wee sneaky feeling I’m going to regret not telling you to watch Coastal-Buffalo. So maybe keep that one on the radar. You know, just in case.

But one you should at least check out just because it’s one of those where college football Means More—Hampton-Howard, or the Battle for the Real HU, on NBCSN at 11am. So right after you’re done watching Burnley-Arsenal—some real Sicko shit—just stay tuned in for a game that seeing bragging rights in the HBCU (and Beltway) world doled out. The 2019 iteration was playing in Chicago, this one’s at the home of MLS’s DC United. Should be fun for a minute or two.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-15.5, O/U 58.5) at #11 Florida Gators [2:30pm, CBS]
Kent State Golden Flashes at #5 Iowa Hawkeyes (-22.5, O/U 55) [2:30pm, BTN]
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at #6 Clemson Tigers (-28.5, O/U 51) [2:30pm, ABC]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at #9 Ohio State Buckeyes (-26.5, O/U 60) [2:30pm, FS1]
SMU Mustangs (-13, O/U 65.5) at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Delaware Fighting Blue Hens at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [2:30pm, BTN]
Eastern Michigan Eagles (-17, O/U 56) at UMass Minutemen [2:30pm, Flo ($)]
Baylor Bears (-17, O/U 49.5) at Kansas Jayhawks [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Long Island Sharks at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks [2:30pm, ESPN3]
Elon Phoenix at Appalachian State Mountaineers [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Idaho Vandals at Oregon State Beavers [2:30pm, Pac-12]
USC Trojans (-8.5, O/U 62.5) at Washington State Cougars [2:30pm, FOX]
Georgia Southern Eagles at #20 Arkansas Razorbacks (-23.5, O/U 52.5) [3pm, SECN]
Colorado State Rams at Toledo Rockets (-14, O/U 58.5) [3pm, ESPNU]
Northwestern Wildcats (-3, O/U 50 somehow) at Duke Blue Devils [3pm, ACCN]
Sacramento State Hornets at California Golden Bears [3pm, Pac-12]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at Washington Huskies (-16.5, O/U 58.5) [3:15pm, Pac-12]
Murray State Racers at Bowling Green Falcons [4pm, ESPN3]
Drake Bulldogs at North Dakota Fighting Hawks [4pm, ESPN+]
St. Thomas Tommies at Northern Iowa Panthers [4pm, ESPN3]

{Serie A} Salernitana vs. Atalanta [1:45pm, Paramount+]
{La Liga} Deportivo Alaves vs. Osasuna [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Atlanta United vs. DC United [2:30pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Nevada Wolf Pack at Kansas State

1:05pm | ESPN+ | Nevada -2 | O/U 50.5

Purdue Boilermakers at #12 Notre Dame Fighting Irish

1:30pm | NBC | ND -7 | O/U 58

Mississippi State Bulldogs at Memphis Tigers

3pm | ESPN2 | MSSt -3 | O/U 63.5

Balls Tate Cardinals at Wyoming Cowboys

3pm | Stadium | Wyo -7 | O/U 54

I don't smoke weed. Or anything, for that matter. I dump enough alcohol into my body that I figure one vice is enough.

Five years ago, last weekend, I was at a bachelor party in Black River Falls. The guy played football at a division 3 Wisconsin school. Nice dude. They're now divorced, but whatever. That was the weekend that Northwestern decided to lose to Illinois State, 9-7. I hear the established the run, though.

Very little was memorable from that weekend, except for the groom-to-be following in love with a stripper at some rural Wisconsin club but I did not attend, because that's not my thing either.

I'm very fun, I swear.

Anyway, his dad showed up on Saturday to grill for us, except his dad enjoys his share of vices, edibles being chief among them.

I'd been drinking heavily all day, had thrown several Miller High Life cans at a wall in protest of Northwestern losing to the Redbirds, and had Dikembe Mutombo-blocked a can thrown at a recycling bin so hard that it cut the shooter's eyebrow open and forced him to get stitches. He never forgave me. I don't care.

That evening, the dad of the groom, as I was standing in the kitchen drinking, offered me a piece of chocolate. He must have said it with a smirk on his face or something, I don't remember. I popped it in my mouth, and then a split second, looked at him: "Is this weed?"

He started laughing. I spit it out into my hand.

He looked mortified. Apparently this is a large faux pas.

I said, just like my DARE officer taught me, "No thanks, I don't do that."

To review, I'm very fun at parties.

He popped it in his mouth and ate it anyway.

The finest of rural eastern Wisconsin.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at UTSA Roadrunners (-13, O/U 59.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
Fordham Rams at Florida Atlantic Owls [5pm, ESPN3]
East Carolina Pirates at Marshall Thundering Herd [5pm, Stadium]
Old Dominion Monarchs at Fightin’ Falwell’s Correspondence School for Sharia Law (-27.5, O/U 54) [5pm, ESPN3]
Presbyterian Blue Hose at Campbell Fighting Camels [5pm, ESPN+]
#20 (FCS) Monmouth Hawks at Charleston Southern Buccaneers [5pm, ESPN+]
#24 (FCS) Kennesaw State Owls at Wofford Terriers [5pm, ESPN+]
Penn Quakers at Bucknell Bison [5pm, ESPN+]
South Carolina Gamecocks at #2 Georgia Bulldogs (-31, O/U 48.5) [6pm, ESPN]
FIU Panthers at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-20.5, O/U 54) [6pm, ESPN+]
Troy Trojans (-10, O/U 51) at Southern Miss Golden Eagles [6pm, ESPN+]
Grambling Tigers at Houston Cougars [6pm, ESPN+]
Florida A&M Rattlers at South Florida Bulls [6pm, ESPN+]
Incarnate Word Cardinals at Texas State Bobcats [6pm, ESPN3]
Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions at #25 (FCS) Central Arkansas Bears [6pm, ESPN+]
Indiana State Sycamores at Eastern Kentucky Colonels [6pm, ESPN+]
North Alabama Lions at #10 (FCS) Jacksonville State Gamecocks [6pm, ESPN+}
Southern Utah Thunderbirds at Tarleton State Texans [6pm, ESPN+]
Illinois State Redbirds at Eastern Illinois Panthers [6pm, ESPN+]
Dayton Flyers at #8 (FCS) Southern Illinois Salukis [6pm, ESPN+]
UT Martin Skyhawks at Northwestern State Demons [6pm, ESPN+]
McNeese Cowboys at Southern Jaguars [6pm, ESPN+]
Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils at Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks [6pm, ESPN+]
UT Permian Basin Frackin’ Falcons at Abilene Christian Prayin’ Wildcats [6pm, ESPN+]
Stony Brook Seawolves at #4 Oregon Ducks [6:30pm, Pac-12]
Virginia Cavaliers at #21 North Carolina Tar Heels (-9, O/U 64.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
Central Michigan Chippewas at LSU Tigers (-20, O/U 60.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
Furman Paladins at N.C. State Wolfpack [6:30pm, ESPN3]
Utah State Aggies at Air Force Falcons (-8.5, O/U 51.5) [6:30pm, FS2]
Delaware State Hornets at #16 (FCS) East Tennessee State Buccaneers [6:30pm, ESPN+]
#6 (USNWR) Stanford Cardinal (-11, O/U 49) at #14 (USNWR) Vanderbilt Commodores [7pm, ESPNU]
Rice Owls at Texas Longhorns (-26, O/U 52.5) [7pm, LHN]
Jackson State at ULM Warhawks [7pm, ESPN3]
Alcorn State Braves at South Alabama Jaguars [7pm, ESPN3]
South Carolina State Bulldogs at New Mexico State Aggies [7pm, FloFootball($)]
South Dakota Coyotes at Cal Poly Mustangs [7pm, ESPN+]

{MLS} New England Revolution vs. Columbus Crew [6pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Toronto FC vs. Nashville SC [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Cincinnati vs. New York City FC [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Austin FC vs. San Jose Earthquakes [7pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Minnesota United vs. LA Galaxy [7pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Charlotte 49ers at Georgia State Panthers

6pm | ESPN+ | GASt -4 | O/U 64.5

Utah Utes at San Diego State Aztecs

6pm | CBSSN | Utah -7 | O/U 44.5

#22 Auburn Tigers at #10 Penn State Nittany Lions

6:30pm | ABC | PSU -6 | O/U 53

Tulane Green Wave at #17 Ole Miss Rebels

7pm | ESPN2 | Miss -14 | O/U 74

#3 (FCS) James Madison Dukes at #9 (FCS) Weber State Wildcats

7pm | ESPN+

{VB} #5 Louisville at #6 Nebraska

7pm | BTN

I realize a likely home shellacking by Ole Miss of DWT;WT Team of Choice Tulane is likely not what you have in mind for your Saturday evening when Kirk Herbstreit will have you ALL pumped up for Auburn-Penn State, but Roll Wave, damnit:

It comes specifically recommended by Kind of... that you watch Auburn-Penn State, yes, but that you can do more:

I know Auburn @ PSU football is prime time, too, so here’s how to handle it. Flip to VB during timeouts. Unless it’s a sweep, record the football from halftime onward, dedicate yourself to finishing VB, then back to football and you’ll be caught up before it’s over.

Who am I to say no to that advice?

Also, Brady Hoke is back at San Diego State, you guys, and the Aztecs are rolling right from where Rocky Long left off. I have no idea the circumstances of his departure/retirement or why he finds being the DC at New Mexico to be a good retirement job, but there’s something to be said for going out on top at a mid-major like that. SDSU is rolling and could make it 2/2 against the Pac-12 South this week.

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Northern Arizona Lumberjacks at Arizona Wildcats [9pm, Pac-12]
Dixie State Trailblazers at #14 (FCS) UC Davis Aggies [9pm, ESPN+]
#14 Iowa State Cyclones (-30, O/U 52) at UNLV Rebels [9:30pm, CBSSN]
Fresno State Bulldogs at #13 UCLA Bruins (-11, O/U 61) [9:45pm, Pac-12]

{MLS} Real Salt Lake vs. Seattle Sounders FC [8:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Houston Dynamo vs. FC Dallas [9pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Oklahoma State Cowboys at Boise State Broncos

8pm | FS1 | Boise -4 | O/U 57.5

#19 Arizona State at #23 BYU Cougars

9:15pm | ESPN | ASU -3.5 | O/U 51.5

It is with great sadness that we mourn one of our own.

Please pour one out today for the Big Sky Conference’s TV rights, which ESPN snapped up in June 2021:

ESPNU will carry two football games and one men’s basketball game per season and the men’s and women’s basketball conference title games at the end of the league tournament.

RIP to sports on PlutoTV, one of the realest. Now it’s just Degrassi and Doctor Who reruns.

Oh well, at least I have something to watch.

I’m a Sicko and Shouldn’t Be Allowed in Civil Society

Don’t Watch This

Literally anything else that is on TV

Watch That

San Jose State Spartans at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

11:30pm | FS1 | SJSU -7 | O/U 59.5

I have never and will never recommend a game more highly than I recommend this one. This is WHY we write DWT;WT. Our two favorite sons—our two Teams of Choice—doing battle in a game that kicks off THE NEXT DAY for the right coast of the country.

My wife works on Sunday and I have nothing to do the next day. I will be awake. I will likely be live-tweeting this on the OTE account. Please help me recommend beer/liquor selections for the game.

Go Spartans. Go ‘Bows. Go everyone. Go football.

Tell me your hurricane stories in the comments.