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OTE Weekly Mailbag: Program Dysfunction and Punter Walkout Songs.

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Always addressing the most important questions we can. Like gameday job qualifications.

The most important person on Iowa’s offense does his thing.
Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

**SPRINTS IN**

FOOTBALL STUFF!!!!

**SPRINTS OUT**

Punters get walkout songs. What’s yours trotting out to? - Atinat

Beez: My punter, or what am I trotting out to if I were a punter? Either way, the answer is It’s Raining Men.

WSR: “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake, even though we have yet another Aussie punter.

MNW: Is mine Australian? Because then the answer is “Who Can It Be Now?” by Men at Work. Is mine not Australian? “Whip It” by Devo. Is mine punting for Pat Fitzgerald? “Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen.

HWAHSQB: “Shake a Leg” by AC/DC for our Australian demigod.

Jesse: Calamity Song - The Decemberists… Wait, is this supposed to be a positive thing?

RockyMtnBlue: “Rocket Man” by Elton John

misdreavus79: Uh, a song about punting very far and kicking nothing but touchbacks, while also being unable to kick a field goal inside the 30?

Creighton: Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Stew: Tory Taylor, Australian punt god, would come out to Australian Pop sensation Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply”, for he is truly our dream, our wish, our fantasy.

RU in VA: Australia is basically a slightly hotter, more dangerous America. With that said, Sean Paul’s Fire Burnin’ should work.

Buffkomodo: Land Down Under

BRT: I hate Stew for stealing my Aussie answer, because I was absolutely OBSESSED with “Truly Madly Deeply” back in 1998. Was there a more romantic song at a junior high dance? Not as far as I was concerned. It might also inspire our kicking team to be our dream, wish, fantasy, hope, love, and everything that we need” instead of what they typically are, which is hot trash.

Thumpasaurus: What is this man’s walkout theme?

I’VE GOT BIG BALLS
I’VE GOT BIG BALLS
THEY’RE SUCH BIG BALLS
AND THEY’RE DIRTY BIG BALLS
AND HE’S GOT BIG BALLS
AND SHE’S GOT BIG BALLS
BUT WE’VE GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL

Poll

Should punters have walkup music?

This poll is closed

  • 100%
    Yes
    (157 votes)
157 votes total Vote Now

Clay Helton fired. Is there a more dysfunctional football program than USC? Who would even want the job at this point. - HotTakeAhoy!

Beez: Nebraska seems more dysfunctional. Texas seems like a rich couple who present a unified face to the world but are actually broke and fighting constantly behind the scenes. For a “top tier” program, they run through head coaches rapidly, they constantly underperform, and “disappointing” is the only word you could possibly use, as a Texas fan, to describe their past 15 seasons.

WSR: It’s Texas because of their boosters and ridiculous expectations, and it’ll be Alabama when Nick Saban retires from his full-time job of “booster wrangler” and his hobby of “dominating college football.”

MNW: Lots of people want that money and the ability to compete against a division consisting of [/checks notes] yes, I’m seeing “Top competitor Herm fucking Edwards”. (Offense intended, Chip Kelly.) It’s a Good Job for any coach that’s a big enough name to handle the position, and it’s why they’re going to back the truck up for someone like Urban Meyer or Bob Stoops or whomever. Note that that’s not actually what’ll happen, just their approach.

I think part of the bit with USC in the post-Carroll Era is that they chased a flashy unproven name in Lane Kiffin and haven’t been able to get out of their own fucking way since. The Pat Haden-Lynn Swann years were disastrous for USC football and gave us the question asked here, but I’ll bet Mike Bohn being the adult in the room (and he’s totally going to bring in Fickell, isn’t he?) will go a long way.

HWAHSQB: Every 5-7 years someone takes the Illinois job. If Illinois can find someone, USC will find someone. They might be awful, but the job won’t go unfilled.

RockyMtnBlue: Texas? Every Michigan fan who wants to fire Jim Harbaugh lacks imagination of just exactly how bad it could get.

Jesse: Yes, there are worse jobs out there than one in which you’re in the middle of a legit recruiting area, have sunshine all the damn time, have celebrities shaking hands with you, and where like, you have actually won with the right coach. Hell, you can even cheat easier now!

The point is, it’s not all that bad a gig, and it’s one I’d take over a whole bunch - Nebraska included. Oh, and you’re gonna get paid. I think that’s a not-insignificant thing to remember. Lastly, if you’re looking for a truly more dysfunctional program, can I interest you in looking at a creamsicle laden Tennessee? Because the answer here is actually Tennessee. Tennessee is more dysfunctional than USC by a fairly wide margin.

misdreavus79: Blue bloods will always get interest no matter how dysfunctional they seem. So USC will get interest in the job for as long as they remain USC. And, unlike other fallen angels, it’s not that hard to envision a scenario where a good coach with a staff full of great recruiters can run wild in the Pac-12 for years to come. Combine that with coaches thinking they’re the ones to do it, and however much money that AD is going to throw at their next target, and you have your answer.

RU in VA: Hey. Easy answer - it’s Tennessee. Who’s their coach off the top of your head? An SEC team just lost to Pitt. They have 1 of their top 10 in-state recruits. They ran Greg Schiano out of a job (NEWS FLASH - RUTGERS IS 2-0) before he was even even un-officially hired. Their last success as a college program was with a QB who now hosts Monday Night Football after an 18 year career. At least some of the mentions above (Miami, Texas, USC) have had some top 25 relevance in the 2000s.

Stew: I think any of the hasbeen programs like UNL and Tennessee would qualify as they’re no longer able to compete but refuse to accept it. Texas for booster reasons seems like a place to avoid, even if without them it may be the top job in all the land. At USC you’ve got talent, LA, and can still be somewhat anonymous in the city. Just don’t be a complete dumpster and have some top 15 finishes and compete for conference championships and the occasional playoff spot shouldn’t be all that difficult there.

BRT: I’d nominate both Tennessee and Texas. Tennessee for reasons that I assume are obvious. Texas… well, have you ever met a sane Texan? Just look at them right now! Football-wise, the expectations are insane, and even though they’re living in a recruiting hotbed, they still haven’t managed to do anything with that. They’re somehow both a prima donna and a cancer in any group setting. I cannot even imagine what the booster dynamic is like there, or perhaps I just don’t want to.

Buffkomodo: USC is just dramatic. BRT nailed it that Tennessee and Texas are much more dysfunctional.

Poll

Who’s the biggest disaster?

This poll is closed

  • 2%
    USC
    (7 votes)
  • 26%
    Texas
    (63 votes)
  • 34%
    Tennessee
    (82 votes)
  • 35%
    Nebraska
    (85 votes)
237 votes total Vote Now

If you had to work any position (usher, concessions, crowd control, etc.) at your big ten stadium on gameday, what would it be? - SharpDressedBoiler

Beez: Beer sales. Even if the lines are long, everyone is happy to see you. Everyone’s on their best behavior, too, cuz you don’t want to get kicked out or get your beer taken away. Plus, beer sales end at the end of the 3rd quarter, so you only have to work ¾ of a day. It’s basically the banker of the college football stadium employee world.

WSR: I want to be the most hated person in the stadium, so the TV asshole wearing the red hat that stops the game for commercials and makes everyone wait for me to move is the perfect job for me.

Stew: FUCK YOU, RED HAT!!! GET FUCK OFF THE DAMN FIELD!!

MNW: My dad is an usher at Twins games right now (nice little retirement gig). Seems alright. Especially since at Northwestern games your job is just “nod at the 50 or so people in your section, then watch the football game,” that’s not too shabby. “Crowd control” at a Northwestern football game is a humorous concept.

Buffkomodo: I actually worked as an usher at Memorial Stadium in Lynch era. Those teams were bad and we got to be ushers in the band section, so literally nothing ever happened. We got to stand out and watch the entire game and got interrupted maybe twice a game by some old lady who would get lost. I’m going with usher, final answer.

HWAHSQB: Is there still a guy who holds the wire of the coach’s headset or is that all wireless now? I would walk around carrying the coach’s cable if that’s still a thing. I have had a corded electric mower for 10 years so I have a lot of experience.

RockyMtnBlue: I want to be the supervisor to the broadcast director. That way I could fire people until THEY STOP OVER-ZOOMING.

Jesse: Um, Der Wiener Schlinger

misdreavus79: I already worked as one of those mobile concessions people when I was there so I’m going to say that counts.

Creighton: One year my brother got a job at Kinnick as one of the concessions guys who walks around the stands selling snacks. He didn’t really do the job, he just wanted to go to all the games for free. Since they were paid entirely in tips nobody cared that he wasn’t doing the job and he basically got away with it. So I would do that.

RU in VA: I’d like to be the guy that does the stats. Nerd job, and I can completely bone players and no one would REALLY know. It’s not like baseball where every row has some dweeb with the score book - no one is counting how many interceptions Stroud has thrown. I could sneak another one in there.

BRT: Great answer, Jesse. Shoot them hot dogs. I’d like to be on soundtrack duty, so that I could choose all the pop hits of the late 90s/early 00s. As many have pointed out, that was a nice time for Nebraska, and what football game experience would not be improved with a solid dose of Britney?

Is this the year that Harbaugh beats Ohio State? - greenie71

Beez: You could ask this question every year and the answer (should) will always be the same. Lol of course not. Focus on keeping it to a two-possession loss and maybe I’ll start to believe.

WSR: I mean, it’s entirely possible. It’s also possible that I could win both Powerball and Mega Millions this week, and develop superpowers, and somehow find a way to be more modest and humble too. Or none of these things will happen and Ohio State will beat Michigan again.

MNW: This is not the year that Minnesota beats Iowa. It’s not the year that Nebraska wins an NCAA Tournament game. It’s not the year that Harbaugh beats Ohio State.

It’s not The Year; it’s never The Year. How quickly people forget.

HWAHSQB: No.

RockyMtnBlue: HAHAHAHAHA. Good one!

Jesse: Uh… no.

misdreavus79: It’s going to happen at some point. Given how poor they look on defense after two games, may as well get it done this year.

Creighton: I keep thinking Michigan is due, but Jim Harbaugh keeps finding a way to be woefully unprepared. Let’s say the beating is less severe than in other years.

Stew: No

Candystripes: Just like “Is this the year Indiana beats Ohio State”, the answer is ‘lol keep dreamin’ bud.’

RU in VA: HE MIGHT NOT EVEN COACH THE GAME.

Poll

Is this the year that Michigan beats Ohio State

This poll is closed

  • 100%
    No
    (134 votes)
134 votes total Vote Now

What’s a new show I should binge, possibly with my wife? We do not have Hulu or AppleTV+ or whatever the hell that is. —MNWildcat

Jesse: So uh, what exactly is it you do have? IF YOU ARE NOT STREAMING ALL THE STREAMS, WHAT IS THE DAMN POINT! But uh, outside of Ted Lasso, I haven’t watched much new this year. I mean, I liked all the Marvel shows too, but that’s Disney+.

RockyMtnBlue: My favorite show in production right now is “The Marvelous Mrs Maisel” (requires Prime). Second place is “Billions” (requires Showtime). I generally run on the assumption that nothing produced by the mainstream networks is worth seeing anymore.

Beez: I need to know way, way, way more about your and your wife’s interests before I can make a recommendation. Please contact me outside of the Mailbag to discuss.

misdreavus79: Your local production of A Few Good Men?

Creighton: Watch and/or rewatch The Expanse to prepare yourself for the final season (bonus: read all the books if you haven’t.) Also watch Raised by Wolves (HBO) because I really liked that show but nobody I know has seen it and I want to talk about it with someone.

Also also: if you ever do get AppleTV+ you should watch For All Mankind. Way better than Ted Lasso.

Stew: The Good Place is on Netflix if you’ve never seen it. The first 4 seasons of Billions is on Prime, that’s very good. 30 Rock is on Netflix.

RU in VA: It’s Masterchef. You get to watch poor people cook for rich people on TV. What’s not to love?

BRT: If you have Amazon Prime, Victorian Farm is fascinating. (If you watch it, please do not tell your wife I did this to her.) There are other associated series if you like it. I’ve also been recommending We Are Lady Parts on Peacock to everyone - it’s quite funny and interesting. It’s about an all-female Muslim punk band in London. It’s very different than Victorian Farm.

The next thing I’m planning to watch if you ever let me stop writing Power Polls in my free time is White Lotus. I’ve heard good things, and it looks very interesting.

Buffkomodo: Lucifer on Netflix. Series just wrapped and you can get it all in one shot. Hilarious. Feeling. Amazing. Do it.

Thumpasaurus: Neon Genesis Evangelion. Don’t forget to watch End of Evangelion when you’re done with the main series.

With Nebraska deciding to renew its ‘rivalry’ game with Oklahoma, it is reminding all of us of the games we miss the most. Is there a game you wish your team still played? - Jesse Collins

misdreavus79: I’m going to assume there’ll be a weekly question where my answer is “Penn State vs Pitt.”

MNW: Hey yeah, where IS Penn State vs. Pitt?

I will answer in the negative, in that if I ever see another Northwestern vs. Duke game after this weekend it will be too soon [/looks at future schedule] godfuckingdamnit.

Northwestern used to get around and play all the service academies, which was fun. Wake Forest, too. Otherwise I’d love to see Stanford, Cal, Vanderbilt, and maybe Notre Dame on the schedule more regularly. Just give me more private schools than fucking Duke.

RockyMtnBlue: It caused untold stress and pain in my life, but I really miss the Notre Dame series, even if they are a bunch of no-good, chicken-shit bastards.

Creighton: “Deciding to renew” is an interesting way of saying “couldn’t weasel out of”, but to answer your question: Iowa used to play non-ISU power-5 teams and I wish they’d go back to that because it was a lot more fun than Kent State and Colorado State. Iowa used to play Notre Dame every once in a while a long time ago (I think they’ve played 24 times) so I think that would be a good one to bring back.

HWAHSQB: When Illinois football was good (yes, those of you under 35 might not believe that was a thing, but there was a time when Wisconsin and Northwestern were terrible and Illinois was good on a regular basis. There was also a time with 10 teams in the Big Ten) I liked playing Missouri in St. Louis. Lately, I miss OSU as they are too chicken to play us now and I would like to play more FCS schools so we have a chance to win.

Thumpasaurus: Nope. No FCS schools. We’ve never lost to one. You have NO IDEA how glad I was to get out of playing Illinois State last year. The Arch Rivalry was pretty lit for a few years even though we lost all of them. At least our fans still showed up, unlike Mizzou fans at Braggin Rights when they miss the tournament. It really is just Mizzou in this category.

Candystripes: Kentucky. And not just on the football field, either.

RU in VA: I do miss the WVU/Rutgers showdowns in the Big East. While Rutgers was never the victor, those WVU teams (Geno Smith/Steve Slaton) were absolute monsters. It was always a contrasting Pro-Style Rutgers offense against that Holgerson Air-Raid type thing they run. Two contrasts, but fun to watch.

BRT: Football. I wish my team still played the game of football.

Thanks. Bye. Gotta go. It’s payroll day.