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Big Ten Power Poll, Week 3: Four-Letter Male Names, Part 2

Hello, welcome to Power Poll Part 2! If you’re wondering why this was split, it’s because, as all of us “writers” who have written these will attest to, writing a Power Poll sucks. It takes a long time, it’s hard, and we’re tired. To assist with the load of this week’s Power Poll, I have volunteered to assist our esteemed BigRedTwice in taking the last half of "mediocre four letter male names" because I have strong (honestly not that strong) opinions about these names and the people who have them. Also, I forgot that 4 letter male names as a Power Poll was actually my idea, so I should probably participate... I guess. ANYWAY. I’m doing this a little differently from BRT’s style, in that because I took the bottom half, these seven names are names that I find incredibly mediocre and/or that I hate. Rather, names which tend to be attached to people who are mediocre and that I hate. If any of you have these four-letter male names and think that these don’t describe you, I apologize in advance. Also, BRT put a lot of effort into hers and it’s great, but I don’t wanna, so this is the low budget sequel.

The roasting continues.

8. Maryland- John

H: 4 L: 11 LW: -1

John, you sweet summer child.

John is just so... I mean Johns themselves are... fine. I guess. I think. I don’t know. I don’t really care enough to like/dislike Johns which is the same way I feel about Maryland Football this year (and every year). I mean what even is Maryland? Of the East Coast Big Ten schools, Rutgers is the one with personality. Do Johns have personalities? John thinks wearing colorful Hawaiian shirts make him fun. Has a good job, but never really stands out above his peers.

9. Rutgers- Jack

H: 4 L: 11 LW: -1

A wild Jack appeared

As far as common, trite J-names for men go, Jack has a little more zing off the tongue to it than John, but in my experience the name is often attached to irritating and annoying people. Rutgers is 3-0 and approaching Big Ten play with much more zing than it has in years, but everyone will always be irritated by Rutgers. A Jack wears a V-neck T-shirt under a flannel and Vans, loves a brand of seltzer beer, and often tries to be the most interesting guy in the room, but falls flat and just achieves obnoxiousness. Also, has money problems.

10. Purdue- Matt

H: 8 L: 12 LW: -1

“Oh. You’re bringing your friend Matt again?”

Door-Matt. Just kidding. That fruit is too low hanging and Purdue hasn’t truly been a doormat for a few years now. But Matt is often just the name of some guy. Often a friend of a guy you know. “Yeah, me and my buddy Matt.” Matt is definitely good at “a thing,” but nothing that actually matters, like video games or pool or something. Matt is generally alright to be around, you’ve known Matt or your friend’s friend Matt for years and he’s “part of the group”, sure, but... do you really think of Matt?

11. Indiana- Zach/Zack

H: 7 L: 13 LW: -1

Will this Zach be nice, or a jerk? It’s hard to tell.

Okay so I tried to figure out why Indiana is Zach, but I don't know, I just hate Zach's and I hate Indiana, so it fits. Someone more creative than me come up with a reason why Indiana is Zach or a different name in the comments. I feel like Zachs are either dirtbags or perfectly average guys, but err on the side of the former. That's Indiana Football, I would say. Also, a Zach makes being under 6 foot a personality, and usually not a good one.

12. Nebraska- Dave

Last Place Votes: 3 H: 10 L: 14 LW: +1

Yeah great Job on the grill, Dave, I guess.

Dave is the name of just some of guy, not too dissimilar to Matt. Dave thinks of themselves a little higher though, even though he really is not. His go to outfit is jeans and a polo, neither of them a flattering size. Always reliving the glory days and thinks his mediocre skills like grilling or something set him apart from the others. Thinks wearing sunglasses makes him look cool. Dave is a great name for some generic dude, same way Nebraska is a stand in for a generic football program, though not necessarily a great one.

13. Illinois- Kyle

LPV: 4 H: 6 (???) L: 14 LW: +1


Illinois is Kyle not so much because Illini match the Monster Energy drinking, wall punching, beanie/wide brim hat wearing, likely Crypto Bro, general dirtbag air of Kyles (that’s definitely Penn State) but because we voted Illinois as one of the worst and Kyles are just the worst. I can’t think of a single Kyle I've met who wasn’t an absolute shithead.

14. Northwestern- Chad

LPV: 12 H: 11 L: 14 LW: -2

A Chad in the wild. Would hit it though, and I hate myself for that.

Chad is a terrible four letter male name. When I hear the word Chad I think of the son of a Hedge Fund manager, wielding Daddy’s credit card, wearing salmon colored shorts, a Lacoste or similar polo, a fuckboy haircut, hits the gym appearance, and a sweater tied around his neck. A hybrid prep and frat boy. The worst. Says things like, “I’m not into politics” because why would you be? The world caters to everything about you. Fuck you, Chad.

Runners up: Burt, Todd, Thad, Doug, Andy, Kirk, Cory, Josh.

It was tough condensing the MANY four letter male names into 14. I picked kind of common ones for mine because I wanted to offend as many people as I could <3 Love you guys, Zuzu out.