It is Wednesday night at 10:15pm. I am flying from Houston back to Minneapolis. I just sneezed and basically filled my mask.

Always carry a spare, MNW. You know that.

As I try to think of new things every week of regale you with, I realize how unexciting—but just routinely busy—my life is. I fly to Texas. I teach at a school that’s far too good for me with kids who think legitimately big thoughts about the word and have big plans for their future. I take the bus. I sleep in a roach motel apartment. I take the bus back to work. Office hours. More classes. I fly back to Minnesota. I run around doing fun and stupid stuff with my very awesome wife. Thursday to Sunday goes by too fast.

I repeat it all again on Monday.

---

Look out the window to the left—hey, there’s Omaha. Last April, a friend and I got COVID tested, got our results back, and then road-tripped to Omaha because he and his wife are obsessed with Zipline Brewing. We loaded his car with over $100 worth of Zipline, then I introduced him to Runza:

Look out the window to the right, and zoom in on my in-flight map to see if I’m crazy—nope, that’s Northwood, Iowa, where I stopped at an old German brewery at the advice of a couple BHGP friends.

Search for old pictures to fill in above, and I’m reminded that when visiting the University of Iowa for a prospective PhD application. The ‘Cats lost by, like, 40—Mike Jones gave me two bottles of nice beer on the way into the stadium (what the hell was I supposed to do with those, Mike?) that I smuggled in and drank at my seat—and my friend and I stayed at a farm that had pet llamas we got to feed on Sunday morning.

---

Anywho, I would like to share with you perhaps my hottest food take: The chicken sandwich—particularly the fried chicken sandwich—is pointless and bad.

The chicken is already breaded. You know what you do not need to make it better? More bread, particularly shitty white bread—to say nothing of mayonnaise or a couple limp pickles. It does not matter if the chicken sandwich is spicy, if Popeye’s or Chick-Fil-A or Wendy’s or Bojangles makes it, or if THIS chicken sandwich literally makes you see the face of God. All you’ve done is added unneeded carbs and diluted the taste of really good chicken. Get a fork and knife, you fatass American, or just eat fried chicken with your hands like everyone else in the damn world.

There is no reason to waste your time on a chicken sandwich.

And you, reader of this blog, might read this take and think, “Well now you’ve undermined any of your credibility on any other issue ever!”

I never had any to begin with.

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Alcorn State Braves at UA Pine Bluff Golden Lions [6:30pm, ESPNU]

{NFL} Carolina Panthers at Houston Texans [7:20pm, NFLN]

{WSOC} Rutgers vs. Michigan [5pm, BTN]
{CONCACAF League} Santos de Guapiles vs. Plaza Amador [5pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{WSOC} Maryland vs. Nebraska [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Ohio State vs. Minnesota [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Penn State vs. Northwestern [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Michigan State vs. Wisconsin [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Indiana vs. Iowa [7pm, BTN]
{WSOC} Illinois vs. Purdue [7pm, BTN+]
{CONCACAF League} Santa Lucia vs. Deportivo Saprissa [7pm, FS2]
{Copa Sudamericana} Penarol vs. Athletico-PR [7:30pm, beIN]
{Liga MX} Pachuca vs. Necaxa [9pm, TUDN]
{CONCACAF League} Universitario vs. Motagua [9pm, FS2]

Watch That

Marshall Thundering Herd at Appalachian State Mountaineers

6:30pm | ESPN | App State -7 | O/U 59

Is Marshall actually good under first-year coach Charles Huff? They cruised in a couple season-opener romps past Navy and NC Central, but last week a retooled East Carolina scored 21 unanswered in the fourth quarter to steal a 42-38 win.

Doc Holliday would’ve been fired on the tarmac by Jim Justice for that, is all I’m saying.

RB Rasheen Ali is the truth for the Herd, but he’s matched if not bettered by the Mountaineers’ Camerun Peoples—and if I match up the QBs here, App State’s Chase Brice has a leg up. Marshall will need to establish the run, and I could see the Mountaineers stuffing that and running away with it.

Also, the Texans are starting Davis Mills—yes, the Stanford QB—tonight. So if that’s your bag, go back up to the chicken take...that’s probably more your speed.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Brown Bears at Harvard Crimson [6pm, ESPNU]
Fightin’ Falwells (-6, O/U 52.5) at Syracuse Orange [7pm, ACCN]
UNLV Rebels at #22 Fresno State Bulldogs (-30.5, O/U 58.5) [9pm, CBSSN]

{CFL} Toronto Argonauts at Montreal Alouettes [6:30pm, ESPN+]

{B1GVB} #2 wisconsin at Maryland [6pm, BTN+]
{B1GVB} #20 Penn State at Rutgers [6pm, BTN+]
{B1GVB} Michigan State at Indiana [6pm, BTN+]
{B1GVB} Michigan at #9 Minnesota [8pm, BTN]

{MSOC} Ohio State vs. Maryland [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Rutgers vs. Wisconsin [6pm, BTN+]
{Liga MX} Puebla vs. Cruz Azul [7pm, TUDN]
{USL Championship} Sporting Kansas City II vs. FC Tulsa [7pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Juarez vs. Queretaro [9pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Xolos vs. Mazatlan [9:06pm, ESPN Deportes]

Watch That

Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at Charlotte 49ers

5:30pm | CBSSN | Charlotte -3 | O/U 56

Wake Forest Demon Deacons at Virginia Cavaliers

6pm | ESPN2 | UVA -4 | O/U 68.5

{B1GVB} #3 Ohio State at #7 Purdue

6pm | BTN

{CFL} Saskatchewan Roughriders at BC Lions

9:30pm | ESPN2 | BC -1 | O/U 43

The marquee matchup of the Big Ten volleyball weekend starts here—so you’d better catch up and learn a few things first:

Good potential for some shootouts and points on Friday night, particularly in the Wake-UVA game: the Deacs and Hoos are 11th and 24th, respectively, in the number of plays run per game. Brennan Armstong, as Illinois learning, can huck it around for UVA, and Wake QB Sam Hartman is no stranger to a shootout. Take the over, sit back, and enjoy.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#12 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #18 wisconsin badgers (-6.5, O/U 46.5) [11am, FOX, at Soldier Field]
Ohio Bobcats at Northwestern Wildcats (-14.5, O/U 48) [11am, BTN]
#2 Georgia Bulldogs (-35.5, O/U 53) at Vanderbilt Commodores [11am, SECN]
Villanova Wildcats at #6 Penn State Nittany Lions [11am, BTN]
FIU Sunblazers at Central Michigan Chippewas (-10, O/U 56) [11am, ESPN+]
New Hampshire Wildcats at Pittsburgh Panthers [11am, ESPN+]
Richmond Spiders at Virginia Tech Hokies [11am, ACCN]
Bowling Green Falcons at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-31, O/U 51) [11am, ESPNU]
SMU Mustangs at TCU Horned Frogs (-9.5, O/U 65.5) [11am, FS1]
Texas Tech Red Raiders at Texas Longhorns (-7.5, O/U 61.5) [11am, ABC]
Wagner Seahawks at Temple Owls [11am, ESPN+]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Army Black Knights (-8.5, O/U 48.5) [11am, CBSSN]
Central Connecticut Blue Devils at Miami Fluoride Hurricanes [11:30am, ESPN3]
UMass Minutemen at #17 Coastal Carolina (-36, O/U 65.5) [12pm, ESPN+]

{EPL} Brentford vs. Liverpool [11:30am, NBCSN]
{Bundesliga} Borussia Monchengladbach vs. Borussia Dortmund [11:30am, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Sevilla vs. Espanyol [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} Ajax vs. Groningen [11:45am, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Strasbourg vs. Lille [12pm, beIN]

Watch That

LSU Tigers at Mississippi State Bulldogs

11am | ESPN | LSU -2.5 | O/U 56.5

Missouri Tigers at Boston College Eagles

11am | ESPN2 | Mizzou -1.5 | O/U 58

Boise State Broncos at Utah State Aggies

11am | CBS | Boise -9 | O/U 70

A MOUNTAIN WEST GAME AT 11AM.

I don’t know if CBS or the Broncos and the Aggies just don’t respect B1G N00D SATURDAY or what—and how could not not respect a game preceded by a show featuring Clay Travis—but that’s a damn bold play to get up in Logan at 10am for a football game.

Will it be good? WHO KNOWS! But at the very least, those Mountain West donnybrooks tend to be a good shootout, especially when the Broncos get ahead and take their foot off the gas. But without coffee, can a Utah populace get up for a 10am kick? We’ll see.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Toledo Rockets (-4.5, O/U 56.5) at Ball State Cardinals [1pm, ESPN+]
Texas State Bobcats at Eastern Michigan Eagles (-6.5, O/U 62.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Maine Black Bears at Northern Illinois Huskies [1:30pm, ESPN3]
Washington State Cougars at Utah Utes (-14.5, O/U 54.5) [1:30pm, Pac-12]
Colorado State Rams at #5 Iowa Hawkeyes (-23, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
#7 Texas A&M Aggies (-5.5, O/U 47.5) at #16 Arkansas Razorbacks [2:30pm, CBS]
#9 Clemson Tigers (-10, O/U 47.5) at NC State Wolfpack [2:30pm, ESPN]
#14 Iowa State Cyclones (-7, O/U 47.5) at Baylor Bears [2:30pm, FOX]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at #19 Michigan Wolverines (-20, O/U 50) [2:30pm, ABC]
Louisville Cardinals (-1.5, O/U 61) at Florida State Seminoles [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Illinois Fighting Illini at Purdue Boilermakers (-11, O/U 53) [2:30pm, BTN]
Kent State Golden Flashes at Maryland Terrapins (-14.5, O/U 69.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
Wyoming Cowboys (-30, O/U 55) at UConn Huskies [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Towson Tigers at San Diego State Aztecs [2:30pm, Stadium]
Georgia State Panthers at #23 Auburn Tigers (-27, O/U 57) [3pm, SECN]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-13.5, O/U 62.5) [4pm, ESPN+]

{B1GVB} Iowa at #12 Nebraska [2pm, BTN+]

{La Liga} Real Madrid vs. Villarreal [2pm, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} Feyenoord vs. NEC [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Philadelphia Union vs. Atlanta United [2:30pm, TUDN]
{CPL} Atletico Ottawa vs. Cavalry [3:30pm, Fox Soccer Plus]

Watch That

San Jose State Spartans at Western Michigan Broncos

1pm | ESPN+ | WMU -3 | O/U 63.5

UTSA Roadrunners at Memphis Tigers

2:30pm | ESPNU | Memphis -3 | O/U 67

Kansas Jayhawks at Duke Blue Devils

3pm | ACCN | Duke -16 | O/U 57.5

Sometimes there are Good Tweets:

Now I hope the rest of the SEC picks up a transitive loss to UTSA.

Of note, and to keep in the back of your mind: UConn is, quite possibly, the historically worst team in NCAA history.

I would not be surprised if Wyoming was struggling with them at halftime. Because I do not know what to expect or trust from Craig Bohl and the ‘Pokes.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

#24 UCLA Bruins (-4.5, O/U 58.5) at Stanford Cardinal [5pm, Pac-12]
Buffalo Bulls (-13.5, O/U 52) at Old Dominion Monarchs [5pm, ESPN+]
Charleston Southern Buccaneers at East Carolina Pirates [5pm, ESPN+]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-4, O/U 53.5) at Georgia Southern Eagles [5pm, ESPN+]
Texas Southern Tigers at Rice Owls [5:30pm, ESPN3]
Tennessee Volunteers at #11 Florida Gators (-19, O/U 63) [6pm, ESPN]
#25 Kansas State at Oklahoma State Cowboys (-6, O/U 46) [6pm, ESPN+]
Kentucky Wildcats (-5, O/U 48.5) at South Carolina Gamecocks [6pm, ESPN+]
North Texas Mean Green at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-11.5, O/U 64.5) [6pm, Stadium]
Navy Midshipmen at Houston Cougars (-20, O/U 48) [6pm, ESPNU]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-45, O/U 58.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
West Virginia Mountaineers at #4 Oklahoma Sooners (-17, O/U 56.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
Akron Zips at #10 Ohio State Buckeyes (-49.5, O/U 67.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
#21 North Carolina Tar Heels (-12.5, O/U 63) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [6:30pm, ACCN]
Florida Atlantic Owls at Air Force Falcons (-4.5, O/U 54.5) [7pm, FS2]
Troy Trojans (-24, O/U 50) at ULM Warhawks [7pm, ESPN+]
Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors (-17, O/U 62) at New Mexico State Aggies [7pm, FloSports]

{B1GVB} #2 wisconsin at Rutgers [6pm, BTN+]
{B1GVB} Northwestern at Illinois [7pm, BTN+]

{Liga MX} Atlas vs. Leon [5pm, TUDN]
{MLS} New England Revolution vs. Orlando City SC [6pm, ESPN+]
{CPL} Forge vs. Pacific [6pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{NISA} Detroit City FC vs. LA Force [6:30pm, Eleven Sports]
{MLS} DC United vs. Cincinnati [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} New York City FC vs. New York Red Bulls [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Columbus Crew vs. CF Montreal [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Colorado Rapids vs. Toronto FC [7pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Minnesota United vs. Houston Dynamo [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Memphis 901 vs. Louisville City FC [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Colorado Springs vs. Austin Bold [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Union Omaha vs. Tucson [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Forward Madison vs. Greenville Triumph [7pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Tigres UANL vs. Pumas UNAM [7pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Nebraska Cornhuskers at #20 Michigan State Spartans

6pm | FS1 | MSU -5 | O/U 52

UAB Blazers at Tulane Green Wave

7pm | ESPN+ | Tulane -3.5 | O/U 55

Indiana Hoosiers at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

7pm | CBSSN | Indiana -9 | O/U 64

Kind of...a bleak evening? I mean, if I’m vaguely looking forward to Nebraska-Michigan State, I assume something has gone wrong.

In reality, I’m actually looking forward to Indiana at Western Kentucky. More Big Ten teams should go on the road to G5 schools—give me Northwestern at Tulane, Purdue at Nevada, Maryland at FIU, Iowa at Iowa State. Particularly when you’re not a big enough name to naturally attract some of those big recruits, go play games there.

I don’t know what recruits Indiana would get from greater Bowling Green, but hey, this Houston Baptist transfer Bailey Zappe should make for some fun highlights if he gets enough time to throw for the ‘Toppers.

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

California Golden Bears at Washington Huskies (-7.5, O/U 46.5) [8:30pm, Pac-12]
South Florida Bulls at #15 BYU Cougars (-23, O/U 53.5) [9:15pm, ESPN2]
Arizona Wildcats at #3 Oregon Ducks (-28.5, O/U 58.5) [9:30pm, ESPN]
Colorado Buffaloes at Arizona State Sun Devils (-14.5, O/U 44.5) [9:30pm, ESPNU]

{MLS} Vancouver Whitecaps vs. FC Dallas [9pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} San Jose Earthquakes vs. Los Angeles FC [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Orange County SC vs. Oakland Roots [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Tacoma Defiance vs. Phoenix Rising [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. San Diego Loyal [9pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Portland Timbers vs. Real Salt Lake [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

New Mexico Lobos at UTEP Miners

8pm | ESPN+ | UTEP -1.5 | O/U 54

Oregon State Beavers at USC Trojans

9:30pm | FS1 | USC -10.5 | O/U 62

{Liga MX} Club America vs. Chivas

9pm | TUDN

I am at an academic conference right now, and one of the gentlemen just concluded his talk—on writing about Great Plains history for a Great Plains audience—by pulling out an acoustic guitar and playing a folk song.

That’s really all I’ve got for you. No idea what the fuck I just listened to.

Go Miners, go Beavs.

Get mad about the chicken sandwich takes in the comments, if you want. Chicken Patty Day was stupid when I was in 3rd grade, and it’s stupid now. Hope you all get a carton of stale milk and a cup of peaches in syrup with your chicken sandwich.

Enjoy the games.