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Don’t Watch This; Watch That: Your Guide to the Week 5 College Football Schedule

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Journey with me to Bismarck and let’s...well, “learn” feels so woefully inadequate.

I’m fortunate enough as a historian—yes, no matter what BRT says or how much I use this space to complain, I consider myself a lucky man to be in this profession—that I get to see...well, not glamorous parts of the world.

But I got to spend five years, partially on the dime of my degree-granting university, a few different foundations and research centers, and a couple state historical societies, traveling almost from coast to coast to do a lot of weird and dumb research. And I’m writing a book on it! (I hope.)

So today I don’t have a ton for you in the way of the lead-in. Instead, I’m going to share with you an archival find related, in some way, to a game from each time slot. In lieu of prefacing this with any more than “This is a free website, stop your bitching,” here’s something from the Walter Mondale papers at the Minnesota Historical Society when an Arizona fourth grade teacher’s class wrote to the former vice president ahead of his 1984 run. They were told to write about something important, like saving the whales, only...the kids didn’t really get that Mondale wasn’t the one killing the whales:

One of my favorite low-key features, though, was when politicians would try to create a “campaign song” that they’d set to a local fight song:

Anyway, the games:

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions at Prairie View A&M Panthers [6:30pm, ESPNU]

{NFL} Jacksonville Jaguars at Cincinnati Bengals {7:20pm, NFLN}
{NHL} Philadelphia Flyers at Boston Bruins [6:30pm, TNT]
{NHL} Vegas Golden Knights at Los Angeles Kings [9pm, TNT]
{WNBA} Chicago Sky at Connecticut Sun [7pm, ESPN2]
{WNBA} Phoenix Mercury at Las Vegas Aces [9pm, ESPN2]
{USL} New York Red Bulls II vs. Loudoun United [6pm, ESPN+]
{WSOC} Purdue vs. Michigan [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Ohio State vs. Indiana [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Minnesota vs. Rutgers [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Iowa vs. Maryland [7pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Wisconsin vs. Penn State [7pm, BTN]
{WSOC} Nebraska vs. Michigan State [7pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Northwestern vs. Illinois [7pm, BTN+]
{CONCACAF} Deportivo Saprissa vs. Santa Lucia [7pm, FS2]

Watch That

Virginia Cavaliers at Miami Fluoride Hurricanes

6:30pm | ESPN | M(FL) -4 | O/U 62

{CONCACAF} Motagua vs. Universitario

9:15pm | FS2 | tied 2-2 aggregate (Motagua lead on away goals)

Not a rousing start to our week, huh? Even “mediocre” doesn’t do that NFL nonsense justice. Legendary political author T.H. White was similarly nonplussed at the 1980 Democratic National Convention:

But FOOTBALL! That’s something!

Also the NHL is back and, apparently, it’s now on TNT? Uh...sure? I can’t watch the Wild, of course, because Bally Sports deserves to die a slow, painful death.

You should also know about CONCACAF League if you like beautifully-corrupt soccer being played on bumpy fields amid tropical conditions. Motagua-Universitario (a Honduras-Panama matchup) should be a decent one, with the visiting Panamanians needing to press for the win or a tie in which they score at least 2 goals. But also, there’s the fact that two teams have been disqualified because...

To review that story (which you should read all about on Jon Arnold’s Getting CONCACAFed newsletter):

  • That is the 60-year-old vice president of Suriname, Ronnie Brunswijk.
  • He provided protection to the leader of a 1980 coup in Suriname, became a guerrilla leader after being denied back pay, and then became a gold magnate.
  • He’s been convicted for cocaine smuggling, was wanted by Interpol as of July 2020, had been filmed beating up another parliamentarian in 2007, and has dropped money to constituents out of a helicopter while promising to redistribute oil wealth in campaigning for election in 2020.
  • He owns Inter Moengotapoe, the Surinamese team competing in the CCL, bought all the players new cars, and decided to start himself in an international competition.
  • He then passed out money to all the Honduran players in the locker room after the game and got both teams suspended from this and likely future competitions.

CONCACAF!

Poll

Let’s get the week started!

This poll is closed

  • 49%
    UVA-Miami Fluoride
    (61 votes)
  • 1%
    UAPB-PVAMU
    (2 votes)
  • 17%
    i will willingly watch an nfl game coached by an urban meyer
    (22 votes)
  • 1%
    wnba
    (2 votes)
  • 9%
    some shade of socer
    (12 votes)
  • 20%
    preseason hockey?!
    (25 votes)
124 votes total Vote Now

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Dartmouth Big Green at Pennsylvania Quakers [6pm, ESPNU]
Houston Cougars at Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-4.5, O/U 54.5) [6:30pm, ESPN]

{MSOC} Michigan State at Penn State [6pm, BTN+]
{Liga MX} Puebla vs. Pachuca [7pm, TUDN]
{USL} Sporting Kansas City II vs. Birmingham Legion [7pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Juarez vs. Rayados [9pm, TUDN]
{B1GVB} Michigan at #12 Nebraska [6pm, BTN]

Watch That

#5 Iowa Hawkeyes at Maryland Terrapins

7pm | FS1 | Iowa -4 | O/U 46

#13 BYU Cougars at Utah State Aggies

8pm | CBSSN | BYU -8.5 | O/U 62 | Battle for the Ol’ Wagon Wheel

{B1GVB} #7 Minnesota at #5 wisconsin

8pm | BTN

{MSOC} Michigan vs. Indiana

4pm | ESPNU

I can’t share my favorite Iowa find here—it involves a state official writing “FUCK YOU!” on official letterhead—but my general approach to Iowa football is summed up in this “accessioning” job at the State Historical Society of Iowa:

I really think you should watch all these games. There is not a single bad game of these four, and that includes a trap game for the Ivy League front-runner Big Green—they are roughly on par with Yale and Princeton, but Keggy’s Boys get both the Bulldogs and Tigers at home.

Is Iowa actually good? Is Maryland actually good? Part of the beauty of everyone looking shitty at various points in the season is that we can watch this game and, unless Maryland repeats its 2019 experience with a Friday night game, we won’t learn here, either.

Iowa fans pictured, descending on Sunday Morning Coming Down

Poll

Friday night’s here, let’s get weird if the bonfire gets rained out:

This poll is closed

  • 80%
    Iowa-Maryland
    (157 votes)
  • 4%
    BATTLE FOR THE OL’ WAGON WHEEL
    (9 votes)
  • 1%
    Other football?
    (2 votes)
  • 7%
    Gopher-Badger volleyball!
    (15 votes)
  • 6%
    Something else!
    (12 votes)
195 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#8 Arkansas Razorbacks at #2 Georgia Bulldogs (-18.5, O/U 48.5) [11am, ESPN]
#14 Michigan Wolverines at wisconsin badgers (-2, O/U 43.5) [11am, FOX]
Charlotte 49ers at Illinois Fighting Illini (-11, O/U 53) [11am, BTN]
Pittsburgh Panthers (-3.5, O/U 58.5) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [11am, ACCN]
Tennessee Volunteers at Mizzou Tigers (-3, O/U 65) [11am, SECN]
Duke Blue Devils at North Carolina Tar Heels (-18, O/U 70.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Toledo Rockets (-27, O/U 56) at UMass Minutemen [11am, FloSports]
Memphis Tigers (-11, O/U 59.5) at Temple Owls [11am, ESPNU]
Louisville Cardinals at #24 Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-6.5, O/U 61.5) [11:30am, ESPN3]

{EPL} Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Arsenal [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Cadiz vs. Valencia [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} RB Leipzig vs. Bochum [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Jupiler} Sint-Truiden vs. KV Oostende [11:30am, ESPN+]

Watch That

Minnesota Golden Gophers at Purdue Boilermakers

11am | BTN | Purdue -2.5 | O/U 47.5

Texas Longhorns at TCU Horned Frogs

11am | ABC | Texas -5 | O/U 65

Western Michigan Broncos at Buffalo Bulls

11am | CBSSN | WMU -7 | O/U 59.5

In 1990 Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev came to Minnesota for an economic summit organized by DFL Gov. Rudy Perpich. Here’s what they went with for the logo:

Fifty neckbeards in Wright County just started screaming “SEE?!?!?!!!?!???!?!?” at their computers.

I also still don’t understand what former Wisconsin Gov. Lee Dreyfus was going for with this jibe in 1977...but sign me up for some tacos:

Poll

Vote:

This poll is closed

  • 39%
    Minnesota-Purdue
    (61 votes)
  • 4%
    Texas Revenge Tour
    (7 votes)
  • 5%
    MACtion HELL YEAH
    (8 votes)
  • 12%
    My Big Ten team is playing at this time
    (20 votes)
  • 0%
    Soccer
    (0 votes)
  • 38%
    Tacos
    (60 votes)
156 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Appalachian State Mountaineers (-10, O/U 55.5) at Georgia State Panthers [1pm, ESPN+]
USC Trojans (-7, O/U 51) at Colorado Buffaloes [1pm, Pac-12]
#7 Cincinnati Bearcats (-2.5, O/U 50.5) at #9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish [1:30pm, NBC]
UL Monroe Warhawks at #16 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (-34.5, O/U 57.5) [1:30pm, ESPN+]
#3 Oregon Ducks (-8, O/U 58) at Stanford Cardinal [2:30pm, ABC]
#6 Oklahoma Sooners (-10.5, O/U 52.5) at Kansas State Wildcats [2:30pm, FOX]
#11 Ohio State Buckeyes (-15.5, O/U 56.5) at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [2:30pm, BTN]
Troy Trojans at South Carolina Gamecocks (-7, O/U 45) [2:30pm, SECN]
SHULA BOWL: FIU Sunblazers at FAU Owls (-10.5, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, Stadium]
Syracuse Orange at Florida State Seminoles (-4.5, O/U 52) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Texas Tech Red Raiders at West Virginia Mountaineers (-7, O/U 56) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
UCF Citronauts (-15.5, O/U 56) at Navy Midshipmen [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Bowling Green Falcons at Kent State Golden Flashes (-17, O/U 56) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Nevada Wolf Pack at Boise State Broncos (-6.5, O/U 57.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
South Florida Brahman Bulls at SMU Mustangs (-20.5, O/U 68) [3pm, ESPNU]
Army Black Knights (-7.5, O/U 47.5) at Balls Tate Cardinals [4pm, ESPN+]
Washington State Cougars at California Golden Bears (-7.5, O/U 52.5) [4:30pm, Pac-12]

{La Liga} Atletico Madrid vs. Barcelona [2pm, ESPN+]
{CPL} Valour vs. Edmonton [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Austin vs. Real Salt Lake [2:30pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Eastern Michigan Eagles at Northern Illinois Huskies

1:30pm | ESPN+ | NIU -2 | O/U 62.5

#12 Ole Miss Rebels at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide

2:30pm | CBS | Alabama -14.5 | O/U 78.5

Tulane Green Wave at East Carolina Pirates

2:30pm | ESPN+ | Tulane -4 | O/U 64

Arkansas State Red Wolves at Georgia Southern Eagles

3pm | ESPN+ | GASo -2 | O/U 65

I want it on record that I want to watch Nevada-Boise, because the Pack could compete in the Mountain West, but...with Boise it’s always “until proven otherwise.” And there are already 4 damn “Watch That” games at this time. But it’s a damn good lineup. Go Pack.

Special shoutout to those wacky Baylor Bears fans:

We at DWT;WT believe strongly in the axiom “Watch Rivalry Games, dumbass”. That is no truer than today, and we look to the FCS for some true slobberknockers—no disrespect to the Shula Bowl in southern Florida, but there’s even better stuff out there.

BATTLE FOR THE NICKEL TROPHY

North Dakota State Car Repair University Bizon at North Dakota House of Nazi Memorabilia Collecting Fighting Hawks

2pm | ESPN+

OK. These two don’t actually play for the 75-pound nickel anymore (which is bullshit), but they do still give us an excellent backwater brawl. And you can still see the Nickel Trophy at the Heritage Center in Bismarck:

That’s also the place where I learned that some North Dakotans were concerned, amid a kerfuffle over NAFTA in 1998, that Canadians had...well, you have to read it (look at 2b):

Yes, that is the sentence “use those choppers for ‘surveilling Drugs hidden in COWS”—do not question ever again that the life of a historian is glamorous and ACTION-PACKED.

BATTLE OF THE PINEY WOODS

#1 Sam Houston State Bearkats at Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

4pm | ESPN+ | NRG Stadium

Honestly, after talking about DRUGS HIDDEN IN COWS, this all feels a little lame.

The Sam-Steve Trophy, though, as I will forever call it, is Texas as hell:

Poll

GET TO THE CHOPPER, IT’S TIME FOR

This poll is closed

  • 1%
    EMU-NIU
    (2 votes)
  • 23%
    Ole Miss-Bama, purely for the points
    (30 votes)
  • 0%
    Tulane-East Carolina
    (1 vote)
  • 0%
    Arky State-Georgia Southern
    (0 votes)
  • 3%
    NDSU-UND
    (5 votes)
  • 4%
    Sam-Steve
    (6 votes)
  • 13%
    My Big Ten team is playing at this time
    (17 votes)
  • 51%
    SURVEILLING FOR DRUGS HIDDEN IN COWS
    (65 votes)
126 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

#10 Florida Gators (-8.5, O/U 55) at Kentucky Wildcats [5pm, ESPN]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at #23 NC State Wolfpack (-19.5, O/U 55) [5pm, ESPN+]
UNLV Rebels at UTSA Roadrunners (-21, O/U 56) [5pm, ESPN+]
Southern Miss Eagles at Rice Owls (-2.5, O/U 45) [5:30pm, ESPN3]
Air Force Falcons (-10.5, O/U 49) at New Mexico Lobos [5:30pm, FS2]
Mississippi State Bulldogs at #15 Texas A&M Aggies (-7, O/U 47) [6pm, SECN]
#21 Baylor Bears at #19 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-3.5, O/U 49.5) [6pm,ESPN2]
Marshall Thundering Herd (-10, O/U 64) at Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders [6pm, Stadium]
Fightin’ Falwells at UAB Blazers (-1.5, O/U 49.5) [6pm, CBSSN]
Kansas Jayhawks at Iowa State Cyclones (-34, O/U 57.5) [6pm, FS1]
Indiana Hoosiers at #4 Penn State Nittany Lions (-10.5, O/U 52) [6:30pm, ABC]
Western Kentucky at #17(?!?!?!?!?) Michigan State Spartans (-10.5, O/U 61.5) [6:30pm, FS1]
Boston College Eagles at #25 Clemson Tigers (-16, O/U 46.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
Northwestern Wildcats at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-10.5, O/U 50) [6:30pm, BTN]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-12, O/U 51.5) at South Alabama Jaguars [7pm, ESPN+]

{Liga MX} Leon vs. Atletico San Luis [5pm, TUDN]
{USL} Richmond Kickers vs. Chattanooga Red Wolves [5:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Montreal Foot Club vs. Atlanta United [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Indy Eleven vs. Atlanta United II [6pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Cincinnati FC vs. New York Red Bulls [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Orlando City SC vs. DC United [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Miami FC vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Dallas FC vs. Minnesota United FC [7pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Santos Laguna vs. Mazatlan [7:06pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{NISA} San Diego 1904 vs. Chicago House [8pm, beIN]

Watch That

There is only one thing you should watch at 6:30pm.

There is only one game, dear reader, worthy of your time and mine.

Northwestern-Nebraska? Could be assy, sure, but not assy enough.

Western Kentucky-MSU? Sure, that’s an overmatched G5 at a P5, but less spinoff potential here.

Southern Miss-Rice? OK, but what if both fanbases cared EVEN LESS about football?

Ladies and gentlemen, your Five-Check-Mark Sickos GAME OF THE WEEK:

UConn Huskies at Vanderbilt Commodores

6:30pm | ESPNU | Vandy -14.5 | O/U 51.5

Sagarin 187! Sagarin 128! A team that lost to Holy Cross! A team that not only lost to East Tennessee State, but failed to score a single touchdown!

Vanderbilt should win this game. But...you can take nothing for granted in life. And you can’t miss Huskies-Commodores. There will be 4,000 people at this game. It will be glorious.

THIS is what college football is about. Maybe you don’t get that, though:

Poll

IT’S TIME:

This poll is closed

  • 20%
    UCONN-VANDY
    (30 votes)
  • 29%
    You have a real problem, MNW.
    (43 votes)
  • 42%
    My Big Ten team is playing at this time.
    (61 votes)
  • 7%
    Something else.
    (11 votes)
145 votes total Vote Now

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

#22 Auburn Tigers at LSU Tigers (-3.5, O/U 55.5) [8pm, ESPN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at UTEP Miners (-5.5, O/U 48.5) [8pm, ESPN+]
Washington Huskies at Oregon State Beavers (-2.5, O/U 57.5) [8pm, Pac-12]
New Mexico State Aggies at San Jose State Spartans (-27.5, O/U 52) [9:30pm, Stadium]

{MLS} Vancouver Whitecaps vs. San Jose Earthquakes [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Oakland Roots vs. Las Vegas Lights [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Orange County SC vs. Phoenix Rising [9pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Chivas vs. Atlas [9pm, NBCSN]
{USL} LA Galaxy II vs. San Diego Loyal [9:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Sacramento Republic vs. Tacoma Defiance [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Arizona State Sun Devils at #20 UCLA Bruins

9:30pm | FS1 | UCLA -3 | O/U 55.5

#4 Montana Grizzlies at #6 Eastern Washington Eagles

9:30pm | ESPN2

#18 Fresno State Bulldogs at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10pm | CBSSN | Fresno -10.5 | O/U 65

That’s what I’ve got for you. Remember, folks, where the money and the brains come from:

“Grain Belt”, “Young Influentials”, “Money and Brains”...well you’ve got me right there.

The late-night games are for Pacific Time football only. Maybe Auburn-LSU will be decent—though, if Penn State-Auburn was any indication, I’m not holding my breath on Bryan Harsin’s bunch—but give me shenanigans under the lights and the palm trees when it’s late.

Not everyone can have the money and brains of us in the Midwest, of course.

Poll

It’s late, I’m drunk, and my wife’s probably not speaking to me, so I’m watching...

This poll is closed

  • 14%
    Sparky-...I wanna say Bruiny?
    (17 votes)
  • 7%
    Montana-EWU
    (9 votes)
  • 9%
    Fresno-Hawaii
    (11 votes)
  • 10%
    Some other football
    (12 votes)
  • 1%
    Some other soccer
    (2 votes)
  • 17%
    Whatever the brewery has on
    (20 votes)
  • 38%
    lol i passed out hours ago
    (45 votes)
116 votes total Vote Now

Here’s your open thread for Thursday. Enjoy, and watch out for those drugs in cows.