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Fall’s Tarts Week 1: The Dumbest Executions In College Football

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None of these are as dumb as my belief in my team but they’re more fun

NCAA Football: Indiana at Iowa
Deserved the typo jersey
Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports

Sorry this took longer than usual. I’m still Mad Online.

Tennessee Gets In Trouble With The Mob

Josh Heupel’s Tennessee debut mostly went swimmingly as they thrashed the hapless Bowling Green Falcons 38-6 behind former Wolverine and faulty radar-haver Joe Milton.

The line on this game was Tennessee by 35, and the Vols were running the ball inside the Falcons 25 with under two minutes to go and a real chance to cover when they fumbled, much to the chagrin of this person. What a silly way to lose $220K. Back in 2009, that would get you a whole Cam Newton with change left over.

Northwestern Has Never Seen A Crowd

This was touched on in SMCD, but I went to the Michigan State game at Northwestern and it took us a full half-hour to get into the game from the moment we got in line. They had two metal detectors per entrance and people were trickling in. The crowd was around 37,000.

Maybe if Northwestern’s tuition wasn’t so famously low they could afford to manage one of the smallest crowds in the Big Ten.

Wisconsin And Penn State Go Full B1G

We have a very early contender for B1Ggest Game Of The Year, as Wisconsin and Penn State declined to score until the third quarter. Penn State achieved this simply by failing to advance the ball on offense. Wisconsin took a trickier route, moving the ball but getting a short field goal blocked and fumbling in the red zone. It added up to this:

Good work, everyone!

Indinia Sets Teh Tone

One unfortunate member of the Indiana Hoosiers was relegated to Indinia this week.

An inauspicious start for the Hoosiers, who would ride this momentum to an absolutely putrid road performance at Kinnick Stadium. David Holloman, pictured above, certainly felt like a hollow man watching Michael Penix throw three picks and give way to Tuttle Time.

Rock Chalk Wildcats

As Kansas State led an impotent Stanford team 14-0 at the half, Fox Sports came up with a new slogan for the Wildcats:

No word on whether they covered Kansas’ win over South Dakota with an EMAW graphic for the Jayhawks.

Chris Peterson Is Made Of PS2 Graphics

What else can be said about this

Illinois Starts The Worst Safety In The Goddamn World

I knew it was gonna be a long night as soon as I saw this.

Joseph, of course, was used as a gunner on special teams where he planted a returner inside the 10 and also turned the ball over on a punt return. Illinois!

I spelled my twitter handle wrong

Mike Norvell Ices His Kicker

The return of McKenzie Milton heralded an 18-point comeback for Florida State at home against Notre Dame, forcing overtime. The Seminoles started on offense and it went...quite poorly. Yet another bad snap saw Milton lose the ball for a big loss to set up a 50-yard field goal. The kick was good!

Except.

FSU coach Mike Norvell had called a timeout just before the snap to plead his case that it had been a forward pass, not a fumble. This would make the 50-yarder a 38-yarder, which would in theory have been better...

...had the 50-yarder not just sailed through the uprights.

Naturally, the 38 yard try was missed.

Brian Kelly Is His Generation’s Richard Pryor

Everyone knows that Brian Kelly is famously good-natured and is a very responsible man who certainly has no history of endangering people. After his top-10 team won on the road, he had this to say:

Of all the people to attempt this joke, Kelly has to be one of the worst candidates. Later, he defended himself by saying he was referencing former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach and absolute legend John McKay, who once quipped “I’m all for it” in response to a question about the execution of his offense. There are some differences between Kelly and McKay:

  • McKay was known for his dry humor and sarcastic wit, which was how he got through most of his pressers
  • McKay was coaching a professional team
  • McKay was also coaching a very bad team in the expansion Bucs
  • McKay’s character and delivery do not suggest that he actually does want his players executed on some level
  • McKay won 4 national championships as a college football head coach to Kelly’s none

Maybe if you don’t want us to think you’re that guy, don’t spend your whole career being that guy.

Poll

Which Tart is Tartest?

This poll is closed

  • 9%
    B1G McLargeHuge (PSU-Wisconsin)
    (38 votes)
  • 45%
    Indinia
    (192 votes)
  • 1%
    Chris Peterson
    (7 votes)
  • 9%
    Ice Ice Baby
    (38 votes)
  • 22%
    Brian Kelly hosts SNL
    (94 votes)
  • 5%
    Rock Chalk
    (21 votes)
  • 7%
    me for playing myself
    (30 votes)
420 votes total Vote Now