Weekly Mailbag: How to Drink Away Your Team in Cold Weather

Intro and stuff.

That’s the level of effort that went into this week. When kids leave iPads at home and make you go get them but oh wait it’s Field Trip Day and you wasted all that time, when MNW drives 1:45 for work to teach to a 50% full classroom...

...you get what you pay for around here, right?

When will I realize I’m a masochist because I watch big ten football?

misdreavus79: Asking the question is half the battle. You can do it!

RockyMtnBlue: Well I suppose that depends on what big10 football you’re watching. If you’re watching a lot of Ohio State you’re probably more sadist than masochist.

Buffkomodo: Look at your pornhub search history. I think that’ll answer your question better.

WSR: Just steer into the skid and accept that B1G Football, particularly in the West, is just a glass of wine away from shibari.

RU in VA: Screeching through Season 5 of Billions right now... I won’t give any spoilers, but that Nebraska Rutgers game was like having hot wax dripped on my eyeballs.

Creighton: When you’re ignoring the pleas of your family to come to bed instead of watching Iowa and Illinois play under the lights, already knowing what the outcome will be.

MNW: You can lie to us, but you can’t lie to your search history: you’re a masochist because you like wearing nipple clamps. Next question.

What will be the dumbest stat from a B1G game this weekend? - vaudvillain

Buffkomodo: Losing the sack battle 9-0 to Maryland. Or any Iowa offensive stat.

WSR: It’s coming from Minnesota-Illinois. Probably a passing stat of some sort, definitely involving futility.

misdreavus79: The number of times people will hold Sean Clifford responsible for something he has no control over —like how every dropped ball on Saturday would have been caught if Clifford only threw a better ball, even though each ball went through the hands of the receiver.

RU in VA: Dumb stat? Since we’re all picking our own teams, look at this shitbird:

Noah Vedral 6/15 25.4 QBR

Evan Simon 6/15 8.0 QBR

COMBINED FOR A 34 QBR. These guys really need to pick a different D1 sport.

Creighton: Iowa is on a bye this week so it’s your move, rutger.

MNW: Again, since we’re doing our team?

• Number of Northwestern coordinators fired this week: 0.

Now that we have a foot in cold weather, what’s the best hot food to have at tailgating while trying to stave off freezing?

misdreavus79: Coffee or tea. Anything else doesn’t stay hot long enough to keep you warm.

RockyMtnBlue: Oatmeal. It’s possible I don’t tailgate much.

BoilerUp89: Beer. Oh and don’t tell me that beer isn’t food. Or that it doesn’t help stave off freezing. I don’t care.

WSR: Chili. Goodness. It’s easy to get your chili hot in a good crock pot, and it’ll keep all day (or until your crew eats it all.)

RU in VA: It’s chili. Hopefully with Jiffy cornbread muffins/squares - in a Hefty stryofoam bowl.

Creighton: The best food is going to be anything with a nice, insulating bun to protect the hot food from the cold air. Think pulled pork sandwiches, chili dogs, things of that nature.

MNW: ...food?

At a tailgate?

You learn something new every day.

Follow up, what’s the best cold weather alcohol to make you not question why you’re putting forth so much money and effort to watch a team that’s a dumpster fire? - IWasSayingBoo-Urns

misdreavus79: Uh, well, uh...

Buffkomodo: Beer. Anything else is likely to kill you if your teams sucks.

BoilerUp89: See my answer to the last question.

WSR: FIREBALL! DALE!

RU in VA: Get a Camelbak, two liters of Gluhwein, a 375 of vodka, and a crock pot. Heat it up, place in camelbak, forget where you are and end up taking a $13,000 Uber from Ames to State College.

Creighton: I was going to say the best drink for the cold is hot chocolate with either peppermint or butterscotch schnapps, but that’s not nearly strong enough to solve an existential crisis. Switch to whiskey.

MNW: ...I want to go drinking with RU in VA.

Anywhoodles, the only real cold game I had to drink myself through was 2013 Michigan State at Northwestern. Green Akers came down for the game and brought me a bottle of Dragon’s Milk, which we both proceeded to drink in the parking lot before Northwestern limp-fished its was through a dispiriting 35-6 loss (or something).

What I’m sure I slurred at him was that I’d already had a couple bottles of Two-Buck Chuck (RIP). But lemme tell you — that wine drunk was a nice insulator, and 23-year-old me felt classy as shit.

What’s the biggest lie you tell yourself about your school’s football program? - travesty

misdreavus79: They they can indeed win a national championship.

RockyMtnBlue: Greatest program ever! I mean, I tell myself lots of lies but that one has to be the biggest.

Buffkomodo: Indiana cares about football.

BoilerUp89: Not having a running game makes things more exciting!

WSR: That it won’t hurt me this time.

RU in VA: Rutgers Football is competitive in the B1G.

Creighton: If we ever get rid of Brian Ferentz we might be able to do something worthwhile on offense.

MNW: That this year we go to the Rose Bowl.

Are apple orchards as big a waste of time as I remember, or should I be looking for a good one to visit the next few weekends? - MNWildcat

misdreavus79: Well, MNW, now that you have a child, you’ll find that they’re a great way to spend several hours doing minimal work and keeping the child engaged throughout! Also you get apples!

Buffkomodo: Your child is neither old enough to remember the trip nor functional enough to actually have fun picking the apples. It’s really for your wife at this point. Does she want cute fall pictures? Only you can determine that. Best of luck.

WSR: Eh. Depends on how big your Yeti of hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps is. There are easier ways to get the supplies to make apple crisp, but going to Hy-Vee doesn’t burn as much energy out of the kids.

RU in VA: No. You know you can buy apples from the store, right? I want my apples pumped up full of GMOs so they’re the size of a grapefruit and last for 6 weeks on a shelf. American ag ingenuity baby!

Creighton: Don’t go, I went to one last weekend and it was miserable. The kids cried the whole time and refused to walk anywhere. The hay ride driver thought it would be cute to park us in a creek and pretend the tractor stalled out so everyone’s shoes and pants got soaked with creek water and farm runoff. 0/10 experience, I’m never going back.

MNW: Shut up, you asshole, and sit there and watch your terrible football.

Which win is more confusing retrospectively, Indiana over Illinois or Iowa over SDSU? - Atinat

misdreavus79: Indiana over Illinois —Iowa over South Dakota State was simply SDSU being unable to make Iowa pay for their offensive ineptitude. Whether it’s due to FCS or South Dakota State’s own offensive issues, there was no point in the game where Iowa was actually in any danger. Also Iowa scored two safeties. Two.

On the other hand, you have an Illinois team that dominated basically all game (and in every game since) only to somehow lose it at the end. It’s Illinois and it’s not even close.

Buffkomodo: Indiana over Illinois. It’s sad that the two best wins in the Tom Allen era overall were wins that at the time literally felt like nothing. 2018 Virginia and 2022 Illinois are essentially the same win against teams that would go on to be ranked later in the season, and Virginia finished with 8 wins that year while Indiana won 5. The difference in the 2022 season is that Indiana will be lucky to win 5 games. Seriously, Tom Allen should buy Kalen Deboer a boat with hearts on it.

WSR: Both? That Iowa win just looks so dumb when you see what SDSU is doing to people right now, and Indiana is so meh and Illinois is what Iowa should aspire to be and it’s so wild and ridiculous and dumb that either of these wins happened.

Creighton: Indiana over Illinois because it told you lies about each team’s trajectory. After Iowa-SDSU I knew exactly how bad Iowa was going to be.

MNW: Neither. Indiana over Illinois is either going to be 2022 Illinois’s origin story or a painful reminder of what a flawed team it was.

Good morning, and may your hangover tomorrow be from sad drinking. Or happy drinking. Whatever.