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Fall’s Tarts Week 7: College Football Left It All On The Field

The dumbest things that happened in our favorite sport this week

NCAA Football: Iowa State at Iowa
In happier times
Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports

That sure is a weird expression to take literally, isn’t it?

When you leave it ALL on the field, doesn’t that mean you sometimes leave things on the field that don’t belong there?


SMU got out to a hot start against Navy, leading 10-0 after a quarter. Things would get more contested in the second quarter, leading to a halftime tie at 10.

One thing we don’t have any of in the Big Ten is live animal mascots. The closest we’ve come recently was Pinto Bean the piebald squirrel on the University of Illinois campus, but unfortunately he was cut down in his prime by a rogue automobile recently. There are certainly upsides to a lack of animal mascots, one of which is about to become clear when I discuss what Peruna the Shetland pony did.

Please note that I am referring to Peruna, and not Human Peruna, as SMU’s website calls the costumed student portraying an anthropomorphic horse.

Unimpressed with the home team’s rally, Peruna decided to poop as he trotted down the field at halftime.

This caused a delay in the second half, which SMU used to their advantage as they were able to rack up 20 points in the third period en route to a victory.

Hold On Tight To Your Dreams

Colorado are no longer the last winless team in FBS thanks to a victory over Cal in overtime. How did that happen? Well, see below.

Receiver Mason Starling is there in the end zone just kind of standing around as he grabs the touchdown Cal needs to stay in the game, and he absolutely does not see a defender flying his way and thus makes no attempt to brace himself. The ball goes flying.

Justin Wilcox drops to 0-3 at Cal against teams that started 0-5 or worse.

Hitting the Biledriver

Tennessee and Alabama played a game for the ages with the Vols prevailing 52-49. Despite all of the scoring there was a lot of tough, physical play. The grueling nature of this game was best exemplified by Tennessee offensive lineman Jeremiah Crawford, who backed out of the huddle to vomit some yellowish tide towards the Crimson Tide, continue staring at their defensive line and nod at them as if to say “Yep. You’re goddamn right I puked at you. What now?”

This is excellent use of what would normally be seen as weakness (puking) as an intimidation tactic. This is true evolution at work.

Hoosier Daddy? Probably A Proud Man Today.

Once again, the Indiana student section decided that shirts were no longer necessary. This time, they added a little routine...or at least they tried to.

I went to a pretty packed-house game in Bloomington and you assholes kept your shirts on the entire time. Why wasn’t Illinois special enough for you?!

Baringer Crater

Two teams having rather ponderous seasons met in East Lansing, and as is often the case when such teams meet, Wisconsin and Michigan State were deadlocked late in the game.

Having used all timeouts, the Spartans drove to the edge of field goal range and gained enough yards to set up a 3rd and 2 from inside the Badger 30. With the clock running, MSU ran...a swing pass for a loss of a yard. Now, a field goal unit with an inconsistent kicker and a backup long snapper would have to scramble to get the kick up in time with a running clock and under 20 seconds left to play.

An inaccurate snap was bobbled by punter Bryce Baringer, who then picked it up and rolled to his right, throwing downfield to nobody in particular. Thus ended regulation

Michigan State would prevail in overtime thanks to some rather ponderous passing by their opponent.

There’s No Stopping Good Ol’ Entrepreneurial Spirit

Tennessee fans stormed the field after defeating the Tide. Many found souvenirs, such as chunks of grass from the field.

A large portion of such souvenirs ended up for sale online shortly thereafter. Here’s a bunch of listings for that grass. Notice it’s pre-owned.

Valentino’s Pizza Can’t Let Go

Here’s a submission from BigRedTwice:

I don’t think it’s big enough for a tart, and I can’t find evidence of it, but I had an hour drive after the game and decided to listen to the many Husker post-game shows (which means I listened to 56 minutes of commercials.)

Anyway, they introduced a segment thusly: “Valentino’s Pizza presents Greg Sharpe’s Exclusive Interview with Head Coach Scott Frost.”

Ok, the week after, I get it. But it’s been over a month and no one has re-recorded this five-second intro?

What I’d like to know, BRT, is this: did you listen to the interview? Are you sure that it wasn’t an interview with Scott Frost?

Being Called “The Goat” Used To Mean You Lost The Game

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Such is the case for Iowa State s Xavier Hutchinson, he of the heroic performance against Iowa in the rain that saw the Clones win El Assico for the first time in Matt Campbell’s tenure. With a chance to knock off Texas, Hutchinson, who is getting first-round attention from NFL scouts, went to work for his team again.


Running wide open deep down the field, he made a puzzling jump for the ball and it bounced off of him. This should have been a walk-in touchdown that would have put Iowa State ahead with under three minutes to go. Instead, the score remained 24-21 Texas until the game ended.

Inflation Hits Michigan

The home crowd for Michigan’s win over Penn State was, as is often the case, generally orderly and sedate. However, there was a troublemaker somewhere in the crowd, as a condom that had been blown up and tied like a balloon began to amble across the field while the Wolverines had the ball.

Jim Harbaugh tried to alert the official to the prophylactic tumbleweed, but eventually it drifted over to the sideline where an assistant coach was able to grab it with no worry of catching a disease and throw it back into the stands. Visuals below:

In Case Of San Jose State, Break Glass

Fresno State played their Homecoming game this week and it was a joyous occasion for all in attendance at the 17-10 victory over San Jose State.

Well...almost all.

You see, at some point in the second quarter, the Spartans scored a touchdown. This is a thing that occasionally happens in football. Unless you’re Illinois, it’s a thing that happens in multiple home games. However, a Fresno State assistant coach could not bear the indignity of being scored upon and he punched out the press box window...showering the home fans with chunks of broken glass.

As it turns out, raining broken glass on to your fans will sometimes cause them to go to the hospital! Somehow, only two fans were injured enough to require medical attention, but goodness gracious, Coach Whoever You Are, please take a page out of the pros’ book: throw your stuff down onto your desk, not out towards the glass.


Last week’s winner was Iowa’s two-punt, two-turnover field goal drive with 21 offensive yards lost.


Tart of the Week!

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    (42 votes)
  • 6%
    Cal Lets It Go
    (20 votes)
  • 16%
    Puking To Show Dominance
    (54 votes)
  • 7%
    More Shirtless Hoosiers
    (25 votes)
  • 12%
    The Baringer Incident
    (39 votes)
  • 3%
    Legal Grass For Sale
    (12 votes)
  • 7%
    Head Coach Scott Frost
    (25 votes)
  • 9%
    Xavier Hutchinson Has Contracted Dropsy
    (30 votes)
  • 6%
    Jimmy Hat Haunts Jimmy
    (21 votes)
  • 15%
    In Case Of Touchdown Break Glass
    (50 votes)
318 votes total Vote Now