Note: This article is purely to inform you of the time, TV, odds, line, spread, betting, and general vibe of the college football schedule. Any learning you do, entertainment you draw, or commentary you glean from the words that follow is purely coincidental and not the intent of sports blog nation dot com.

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Spilling good ideas like seed on the biblical path, I had been trying in vain to find out whether it was possible to modulate or re-record all the Big Ten fight songs, but in a minor key. Something about my mood right now suggests that “Go U Northwestern” would sound better if it was in a minor key. Set to some sad highlights. Like this:

But alas: not enough time, not enough computer talent. That’s what Thump is for.

In case the quality of that video was unclear (and my treatise on all the horseshit NCAA football teams to never beat Northwestern didn’t show it), I had less time this week than normal. Blame teaching and advising. Or the crap I post here. Whatever.

Thankfully, Friend of the Program EnergizerHawk (better known to friends as Tym) offered this reflection on a powerful spirit:

Gin

by tym
NOT FOR USE BY BLEACHER REPORT

I’ve never met a gin I didn’t like. I like to call it vodka with a bowtie on and a splash of something extra in it. I first fell in love with it after someone (pretty sure it was MdHawkeye) suggested it as a summer drink. It quickly became a favorite.

TIME SKIP TO THE PAST

My first gin ever was a Tanqueray (drank it when I was young and stupid attending Iowa) and that was a bit off-putting to young, stupid me. Well, that was enough to put me off for a few years, maybe a decade. Oh how dumb I was to not come back or even look at other alternatives.

Flash back to that summer in the hotel while in the middle of a 4-8 week long project. The details are not important, but I was DEFINITELY in Nebraska, and I was told about using gin as a summery drink, so off to the lone liquor store I went, bought myself a bottle of Bombay Sapphire (YOOOOOO, that stuff is amazeballs). I’m pretty sure I crushed that bottle in the first weekend.

THEN! Along came the Lilwaukee Munchbox [ed. note: or just a Milwaukee Lunchbox], a fine concoction of gin and an IPA. A range of flavors was born and, ohboy dot gif, was I excited about this. I may or may not have video taped myself crushing a few of these drinks during the pandemic. [ed. note: he totally did]

Anyway, nowadays I enjoy a nice gin and currently am working on a couple of bottles I found from Still 630 (American Navy Strength and Volstead’s Folly). Side note: both are fuckin’ delightful.

Other gins that frequently appear in my cabinet are:

• Hendricks
• Beefeater
• Bombay Sapphire
• Empress (fuuuuckin’ delightful)

Amen, tym.

MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Bar Trivia:

1. The fight song for what university features the line “A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva hell of an engineer / Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear”?
2. While carrots don’t actually improve your vision, they do contain beta-carotene, which your body converts into what vitamin?
3. What genre of music, popularized in 1950s and 60s Brazil, translates to “new trend” in Portuguese and is a favorite choice of Michael Scott on his electric keyboard?
4. Charlottetown, population 39,000, is the smallest provincial capital in Canada. It’s found in what province?
5. Since October is apparently National Cryptocurrency Month (for now), in 2021, which Central American country became the first to make Bitcoin legal tender?

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Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Virginia Cavaliers at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-3, O/U 45.5) [6:30pm, ESPN]
#7 Delta State Fighting Okra at Shorter Hawks [6pm, Flo($)]
Fairmont State Fighting Falcons at Frostburg State Frosty Burgs [6pm, MEtv]

{MLS} Philadelphia Union vs. FC Cinicinnati [7pm, FS1]
{Liga MX} Pachuca vs. Monterrey [9pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Troy Trojans at South Alabama Jaguars

6:30pm | ESPNU | USA -3 | O/U 47.5

THE BATTLE FOR THE BELT

{MLS} Los Angeles FC vs. LA Galaxy

9pm | FS1 | Western Conference Semifinals

The BATTLE FOR THE BELT is sold out, and when a prize like this is on the line, why wouldn’t it be sold out?

Also, if you look at Troy’s Twitter profile right now, every single S is replaced with a “No” sign—which is a tremendous commitment to pettiness...though I wish they’d block out all the As as well. COMMIT TO THE BIT, TROJANS.

Tonight is also, for what it’s worth a sports equinox:

I mean, if Saints-Cardinals is your thing, man, then that’s something to celebrate. But for me? BATTLE FOR THE BELT.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-13, O/U 52.5) at Temple Owls [6:30pm, ESPN2]

{VB} Northwestern at Rutgers [5pm, BTN]
{VB} Penn State at Maryland [7pm, BTN]

{MHKY} #5 Michigan at Lake Superior State [6pm, Flo]
{MHKY} Long Island at Michigan state [6pm, BTN+]
{MHKY} St. Thomas at Penn State [6pm, BTN+]
{MHKY} #7 North Dakota at #1 Minnesota [7pm, Bally North+]
{MHKY} wisconsin at #10 Minnesota-Duluth [7pm, NCHCtv]

Watch That

UAB Blazers at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

7pm | CBSSN | WKU -2.5 | O/U 57.5

Princeton Tigers at Harvard Crimson

6pm | ESPNU

Long Island Sharks at Wagner Seahawks

6pm | ESPN3

{FH} #7 Michigan vs. #3 Northwestern

3pm | BTN

A brief note on Long Island-Wagner: both these FCS squads are 0-6—of the 261 teams that Jeff Sagarin ranks, they are 247th and 257th, respectively. It’s not quite the Battle of Brooklyn, but the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge Battle works for me. It will be some exquisitely bad football. I CANNOT WAIT.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Iowa Hawkeyes at #2 Ohio State (-29, O/U 49.5) [11am, FOX]
UT Martin Skyhawks at #3 Tennessee Volunteers [11am, SECN]
#14 Syracuse Orange at #5 Clemson Tigers (-13.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, ABC]
Kansas Jayhawks at Baylor Bears (-8, O/U 60.5) [11am, ESPN2]
UL Monroe Warhawks at Army Black Knights (-7, O/U 55.5) [11am, CBSSN]
Indiana Hoosiers at Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-3, O/U 45.5) [11am, BTN]
Houston Cougars (-3, O/U 53) at Navy Midshipmen [11am, ESPNU]
Akron Zips at Kent State Golden Flashes (-19, O/U 67) [11am, ESPN+]
Duke Blue Devils at Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-9.5, O/U 59.5) [11:30am, ESPN3]
Toledo Rockets (-7, O/U 60) at Buffalo Bulls [12pm, ESPN+]
Bowling Green Falcons at Central Michigan Chippewas (-6.5, O/U 50.5) [12pm, ESPN3]

{AUT Bundesliga} Salzburg vs. Sturm Graz [10am, Next Level Sports]
{Ligue 1} Montpellier vs. Olympique Lyonnais [10am, beIN]
{EPL} Chelsea vs. Manchester United [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Valencia vs. Mallorca [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} Borussia Monchengladbach vs. Eintracht Frankfurt [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} RKC Waalwijk vs. Ajax [11:45am, ESPN+]

Watch That

#21 Cincinnati Bearcats at SMU Cocaine Ponies

11am | ESPN | Cincy -3 | O/U 61.5

This weekend marks...5(?)...years since I was in Boston doing research and flew from Providence to Baltimore to watch Northwestern play at Maryland. As I went through security, the TSA agent stopped me. You see, I was trying to bring an apple through security to eat on the plane.

The problem? Apparently a Fuji apple looks like a bomb to the two bored TSA guys at Providence International. So that was a fun 90 seconds.

Anyway, then I sat at the airport bar on a Friday night and watched lowly Syracuse, with I want to say Eric Dungey at quarterback, just run around like fucking maniacs as the Orange accidentally beat Clemson at home.

I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

Blessed Wagon Wheel Week to all those in northeastern Ohio who celebrate.

Why do Toledo and Buffalo not play for some Lake Erie-themed trophy?! What a colossally missed opportunity.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Eastern Michigan Eagles at Balls Tate Robotbirds (-2.5, O/U 58) [1pm, ESPN+]
Northern Illinois Huskies (-2.5, O/U 66) at Ohio Bobcats [1pm, ESPN+]
UNLV Rebels at Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-24, O/U 49.5) [1:30pm, Peacock]
West Virginia Mountaineers at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-7, O/U 68) [2pm, FS1]
Rice Owls (-3, O/U 58.5) at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs [2pm, ESPN+]
#7 Ole Miss Rebels at LSU Tigers (-1.5, O/U 66.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
Northwestern Wildcats at Maryland Terrapins (-13.5, O/U 52) [2:30pm, BTN]
#20 Texas Longhorns (-6, O/U 64.5) at #11 Oklahoma State Cowboys [2:30pm, ABC]
Boston College Eagles at #13 Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-21, O/U 61.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
BYU Cougars (-7, O/U 57.5) at Sportswashing, American-Style [2:30pm, ESPNU]
Purdue Boilermakers at wisconsin badgers (-2, O/U 52) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Western Michigan Broncos at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-6.5, O/U 45.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Marshall Thundering Herd at James Madison Dukes (-13, O/U 53.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Georgia Southern Eagles at Old Dominion Monarchs (-2, O/U 66) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
FIU Sunblazers at Charlotte 49ers (-14.5, O/U 60) [2:30pm, ESPN3]
North Texas Mean Green at UTSA Roadrunners (-10, O/U 69.5) [2:30pm, Stadium]
Vanderbilt Commodores at Missouri Tigers (-14, O/U 53) [3pm, SECN]
Arizona State Sun Devils at Stanford Cardinal (-3, O/U 55.5) [3pm, Pac-12]
Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at Colorado State Rams (-4.5, O/U 46.5) [3pm, TheMW]
Florida Atlantic Owls (-4, O/U 50.5) at UTEP Miners [3pm, ESPN+]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-6.5, O/U 52) [4pm, ESPN+]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles (-2.5, O/U 44.5) at Texas State Bobcats [4pm, ESPN+]

{Ligue 1} Olympique Marseilles vs. Lens [2pm, beIN]
{La Liga} Real Madrid vs. Sevilla [2pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#9 UCLA Bruins at #10 Oregon Ducks

2:30pm | FOX | Oregon -6 | O/U 70

Memphis Tigers at #25 Tulane Green Wave

2:30pm | ESPN2 | Tulane -7 | O/U 56.5

Ranked Tulane. What a damn world we live in.

Look, there’s a lot this afternoon—like an idiot, I’m going to be watching Northwestern-Maryland on my phone at a wedding, but...there’s a lot of good Sun Belt and MACtion out there. Don’t limit yourself to finding out if Texas is back, gang.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

San Jose State Spartans (-21.5, O/U 43.5) at New Mexico State Aggies [5pm, FloSports]
Fresno State Bulldogs (-10.5, O/U 41.5) at New Mexico Lobos [5:30pm, FS2]
#24 Mississippi State Bulldogs at #6 Alabama Crimson Tide (-21, O/U 61.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Minnesota Golden Gophers at #16 Penn State Nittany Lions (-4.5, O/U 44.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
Texas A&M Aggies (-4, O/U 46) at South Carolina Gamecocks [6:30pm, SECN]
#17 Kansas State Wildcats at #8 TCU Horned Frogs (-3.5, O/U 58.5) [7pm, FS1]
Colorado Buffaloes at Oregon State Beavers (-24, O/U 50.5) [7pm, Pac-12]
Pittsburgh Panthers at Louisville Cardinals (-1, O/U 55) [7pm, ACCN]

{MHKY} #5 Michigan at Lake Superior State [5pm, Flo]
{MHKY} Long Island at Michigan state [5pm, BTN+]
{MHKY} #7 North Dakota at #1 Minnesota [7pm, Bally North+]
{MHKY} wisconsin at #10 Minnesota-Duluth [6pm, NCHCtv]

{VB} #3 Nebraska at Illinois

{USL} Tampa Bay Rowdies vs. Miami FC [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Memphis 901 vs. Detroit City FC [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Colorado Springs vs. Rio Grande Valley [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Boise State Broncos at Air Force Falcons

6pm | CBSSN | AFA -3.5 | O/U 48

UCF Citronauts at East Carolina Pirates

6:30pm | ESPNU | UCF -5 | O/U 64

Mississippi State gonna get trickled down all over:

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Washington Huskies (-7.5, O/U 56.5) at California Golden Bears [9:30pm, ESPN]

{Liga MX} America vs. Toluca [8pm, TUDN]
{USL} Sacramento Republic vs. New Mexico United [9pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Utah State Aggies at Wyoming Cowboys

8:45pm | TheMW | Wyo -3.5 | O/U 42.5

#7 Montana Grizzlies at #2 Sacramento State Hornets

10pm | ESPN2

{VB} #12 Purdue at #9 Minnesota

8pm | BTN

Seek Help

San Diego State Aztecs at Nevada Wolf Pack

9:30pm | CBSSN | SDSU -7 | O/U 36

OK. So, I mean, SAN DIEGO STATE-NEVADA, right?! The Pack just lost to Hawai’i, so...low bar. But Brady Hoke’s offense in San Diego is so damn bad...I might consider taking the under here. It’ll be tremendously bad football.

That said, which you should really be watching is Montana-SacState, a Top-10 FCS matchup getting the billing on ESPN2 it deserves. The Nest should be aswarm, and it could be a semifinal FCS Playoff preview.

Speaking of, shoutout not only to South Dakota State for going into the FARGODOME and knocking off the #1 North Dakota State Bizon, but for forcing this guy, apparently, to...

...move to Brookings?

The Dakotas are a weird place, man.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Trivia Answers

1. Georgia Tech
2. Vitamin A
3. bossa nova
4. Prince Edward Island
5. El Salvador