It is time to rate things on the internet.
A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.
I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.
Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.
There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.
There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.
The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.
Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.
This week there are five “Buys” and five “Sells.” This is indicative of a neutral trend on the OTE Index.
Clearly, it is sorcery season. Purdue was undone by whatever voodoo causes them to collapse in the face of a Badger. Iowa’s Tory Taylor made a poor play out of punt formation. Indiana fans fell to whatever black magic causes them eternal suffering. A bunch of Pennsylvanians dressed like ghosts. For Pete’s sake, Illinois and Maryland are bowl eligible and I haven’t even bought Halloween candy yet.
(Defeated Iowa, 54-10) (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) I would give kudos to the Buckeye defense for snatching six turnovers, but I don’t know where OSU defense begins and Iowa’s offense ends. Ohio State’s offense played a subpar game, according to their fans, yet they still won by 44 points. Yep, sounds about right. Next up: @Penn State.
(Defeated Northwestern, 31-24) Billy Edwards Jr. played admirably in relief of an injured Taulia Tagovailoa, with over 230 yards of offense, a passing touchdown, and no turnovers. Coach Locksley leaned on the running game in this one, and it paid off. His Maryland Terps are now bowl eligible. Well done. Next up: Idle (@Wisconsin, 11/5).
(Defeated Minnesota, 45-17) Nit fans booed Sean Clifford, and he promptly completed 74 percent of his passes for about 300 yards and four touchdowns. The Loins dominated, and are now a “Buy” heading into a tough matchup with the Buckeyes. The path is clear to at least ten wins. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Ohio State.
(Idle) Harbaugh’s crew spent the bye weekend watching Ohio State, most likely. That should give some incentive to improve as they face the Spartans. Next up: Michigan State.
(Idle) This off week will be a good test of how the Illini handle prosperity. Illinois leads the division and is already bowl eligible. They go to Lincoln to face a team with a losing record and an interim coach. If the BERTS sleepwalk into this game, Nebby is talented enough to take advantage. Next up: @Nebraska.
(Defeated Purdue, 35-24) The Badger offense was efficient in victory, averaging 9.7 yards per pass and 6.1 yards per run. The defense jumped Purdue routes in the first half, nabbing three interceptions. The Trains never recovered. Solid all-around effort. Moved up to “Hold.” Next up: Idle (Maryland, 11/5).
(Lost to Wisconsin, 35-24) This game was not as close as the score might indicate. I am having difficulty getting my hexes straight. Did Purdue lose due to the Nebraska curse? Or was it because they somehow upset the ghost of Alan Ameche? Whatever. Three first half interceptions thrown by Aidan O’Connell did not help matters. Moved down to “Hold.” Next up: Idle (Iowa, 11/5).
(Defeated Indiana, 24-17) Schiano’s crew used the time-tested formula for victory — rugged running attack, stingy defense, no turnovers, and play Indiana. ‘Gers is now two wins away from bowl eligibility, with three winnable games remaining. If they can find a passing game, they might be dangerous. Moved up to “Hold.” Next up: @Minnesota.
(Idle) The Spartans will need to knock off at least one ranked team if they are going to become bowl eligible. It probably will not happen for them this week. Next up: @Michigan.
(Lost to Penn State, 45-17) Mohamed Ibrahim got his hundred yards, eventually. The Gopher offense accomplished little else. Penn State won in the trenches, and Minny suffered in absence of Tanner Morgan. The Boat Rowers play Rutgers, Nebby, and Northwestern in the next three weeks, so there is a clear path to bowl eligibility. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Rutgers.
(Lost to Ohio State, 54-10) Two minutes into the game, Joe Evans rushed C.J. Stroud, sacked him, stripped the ball, recovered the fumble, and returned the fumble for a touchdown. It was as beautiful a defensive play as you will ever see. The Hawkeye offense remains an affront to every form of human endeavor, so Iowa would go on to lose by six touchdowns. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: Northwestern.
(Lost to Maryland, 31-24) I am running out of permutations to say this, but the ‘Cats are not good. Facing an inexperienced quarterback, the defense forced zero turnovers, allowed a 64 percent completion rate, and let someone loose on 75 yard touchdown run to seal defeat. Fitz faces Ferentz in a truly odious matchup this weekend. Next up: @Iowa.
(Lost to Rutgers, 24-17) The Hoosiers ran for a total of 62 yards, while going 2/12 in third down conversions. The path ahead looks pretty dark for Indiana, they play Penn State and OSU in consecutive weekends after their bye. Next up: Idle (Penn State, 11/5).
(Idle) Mickey Joseph could make a great case to drop the interim tag if he can capitalize on a bye week and knock off the Illini. Next up: Illinois.
Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.
Who should be most embarrassed? Week 8.
This poll is closed
Why did Purdue lose to Wisconsin
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Cursed to forever lose to Wisconsin
They beat Nebby, and are thus cursed
What was the spookiest event of this weekend?
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Purdue lost to Wiscy...again
Tory Taylor made a mistake in punt formation
Illinois and Maryland are bowl eligible
Pennsylvanians dressed as ghosts
Brian Ferentz is still employed