Note: This article is purely to inform you of the time, TV, odds, line, spread, betting, and general vibe of the college football schedule. Any learning you do, entertainment you draw, or commentary you glean from the words that follow is purely coincidental and not the intent of sports blog nation dot com.

Gods be praised.

Before we meet some new friends, I wanted to include a trivia question from last night’s round specifically:

Before 1924, sports teams at the only private school in the Big Ten Conference were officially known as “The Purple,” and unofficially known as “The Fighting Methodists.” Name that school!

Only 10/19 teams there got it. Chicago’s Big Ten Team, my ass. SHOULDA BOUGHT MORE BILLBOARDS, JIM PHILLIPS!

While we’ll get to the full array of lightly-plagiarized trivia below, I want to pose a question to you before the article:

There are seven U.S. cities under 200,000 people that have two Division I basketball teams in the 2022-23 season. For example, Tallahassee, Florida, is home to both Florida A&M (go Rattlers!) and Florida State. Name any other city to do so.

Answer’s in the article below.

How to Win Friends and Watch Bad Basketball

We’re just a couple weeks away from college basketball season—thank God, I say, for about two weeks until Northwestern’s lost its Gavitt Games and B1G-ACC matchups and it’s all over all over again—and that means it’s time, once again, to meet some new friends.

Yes, the bloated carcass of NCAA Division 1 basketball has ballooned from 358 teams in 2021-22 to 363 teams in 2022-23. As someone who prides himself on knowing all the mascots of all 363 D-I teams—I realize “pride” is the wrong word here—here are the stats on who we’ve got entering the ranks of big-time hoops this year:

Lindenwood Lions

Who: Lindenwood University
Where: St. Charles, MO
Colors: Black and Gold
Conference: Ohio Valley
Football: Yes (OVC)

Founded alllll the way back in 1827 as The Lindenwood School for Girls, eventually a Presbyterian school for women until 1969, and then an NAIA liberal arts college that muddled along through the 80s, Lindenwood—

By 1989, Lindenwood College was bankrupt with student enrollment below 800. The college was in danger of closing when the administration hired Dennis Spellmann as the new president. Spellmann immediately began to implement changes, eliminating co-ed dorms, placing the emphasis on a “values-centered” approach in the classroom, and eliminating tenure.

Yup, it’s your tenured faculty who were the problem. Always those damn teachers wanted to be paid. Anywho, that Spellmann dude sounds like a real prick.

And that college...man. A piece of work. Humorously, though, they once took $2,000 worth of pigs in exchange for student tuition.

Back in the early 2000s:

A change that caused controversy for the school was the “Pork for Tuition” program begun in 2002 and designed to help rural families pay for tuition by the university accepting livestock in return for discounts. The animals were then processed and used in the school cafeteria.

I tried to look for some student traditions, but given that Lindenwood’s at least nominally a dry campus and Missouri’s terrible, I got distracted by the header picture on their “Student Life” page:

Student Life at Lindenwood

Tag yourself in this picture as you see fit. I’m the person annoying playing the saxophone in the middle of the forest as that couple just tries to have a nice date.

BUT WAIT. I went back to try and find the Lindenwood fight song and, uh...guys? We gotta have a conversation about this:

First it was Tarleton State mimicking the wisconsin fight song, and now this. Letting plagiarists into D-I basketball. For damn shame.

Queens Royals

Who: Queens University of Charlotte
Where: WERE YOU NOT LISTENING
Colors: Navy blue and Vegas gold
Conference: Atlantic Sun
Football: No.

This college wasn’t remotely on my radar as “existing” until this summer, when a historian I follow on Twitter who was at Grand View took a new job at Queens. I think. Either way, it’s not a very good story.

Officially called Queens University of Charlotte, I think, to distinguish itself from the one in Canada or something, these filthy monarchists, originally an all-girls school, claim their founds chose the name...

for three reasons: at the request of the Alumnae Association to disarm prejudice in deference to other Presbyterian colleges which claimed an equal right to the denominational name; to commemorate Queen’s Museum, a classical school established in Charlotte in 1771; and to honor Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg [wiki].

I personally don’t much give a fig for American universities founded in 1857 named for a British monarch, but perhaps that’s just me.

Queens of Charlotte has about 1,700 undergrads, apparently has a nationally-renowned triathlon team, and celebrates Christmas with a Boar’s Head Banquet and Yule Log singalong, which seems nice:

Campus Traditions — Queens University of Charlotte

While Queens seems boring in the way that I’m fairly sure High Point and Elon and Gardner-Webb are all also religiously-affiliated small private schools in North Carolina, if they promise to do silly things on the basketball court, I promise to watch them play at least once. But c’mon, “Queens University Royals”? Navy and “Vegas Gold” as your colors? Yawn.

Southern Indiana Screaming Eagles

Who: University of Southern Indiana
Where: Evansville, IN
Colors: Cardinal, Navy, White
Conference: Ohio Valley
Football: No.

NOW WE’RE FUCKIN’ TALKING.

I have been on the record for four years now as believing the only thing holding Southern Indiana back is their lack of an apostrophe instead of a G on the end of “Screaming”. Admit it: you’d be much more intimidated by the SCREAMIN’ EAGLES than you are the Screaming Eagles. “Screaming Eagles” just sounds like a group of middle-aged white women who got served a Coke instead of a Diet Coke.

It’s odd that this is an Indiana state school that isn’t something weird like Purdue-Fort Wayne or what’s left of IUPUI before it splits into two colleges by 2024—what will happen to our beloved Jaguars?—but then you learn this campus was originally Indiana State University-Evansville before becoming independent in 1985 and it all makes much more sense.

Noteworthy here is a mascot named “Archibald Eagle”, which is a jaunty name for an eagle, and that the failed utopian community of New Harmony, Indiana, is just down the road. I’m quite interested by how USI has a “Center for Communal Studies” that collects archival records on intentional communities, co-ops, and more, but I am a loser with a history PhD and a half-assed blog, so you should not trust me.

Their fight song is, uh...well, if you like out-of-tune trumpets playing a weirdly disheveled melody, it’s for you:

I’m not sure how competing with the crosstown Purple Aces—who still employ Todd Lickliter, for some reason, lifetime 15-53 at Evansville—will work for the coveted southwestern Indiana media market, but now I’m curious as to whether there is a smaller city in the U.S. with two Division 1 teams. And I swear to God, if they start playing for a fun rivalry trophy like the Mayor’s Key before Northwestern and DePaul do, I will lose my mind.

In the meantime, though, it appears there are no plans to play for the Key to Evansville.

SMALLEST CITIES WITH TWO D-I TEAMS:

• Birmingham, AL (Samford and UAB): 197,575
• Tallahassee, FL (FSU and Florida A&M): 196,169
• Providence, RI (Providence and Brown); 190,935
• Charleston, SC (College of Charleston, The Citadel, Charleston Southern): 150,227
• Evansville, IN (USI and Evansville): 118,414
• Fairfield, CT (Fairfield and Sacred Heart): 61,512
• Spartanburg, SC (USC Upstate and Wofford): 38,732

I leave here a smarter man.

Stonehill Skyhawks

Who: Stonehill College
Where: Easton, MA
Colors: Purple and White
Conference: Northeast
Football: Yes (NEC)

Now listen. I’m not a botanist or ichthyologist or ophthalmologist or whatever, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t many purple birds, and definitely no purple birds of prey. (Looking at you, Niagara.) So, Stonehill, consider this your warning:

Stonehill used to use a Native American mascot, until wisely deciding in 2002 that it should give that up. But which of these names would YOU have chosen?

The committee ruled that a new mascot be named as the institution’s athletic identity. Therefore, in the following year the college held open forums in which students, alumni, and faculty were asked to submit ideas for the new identity, vote on suggestions, and gauge popularity. Among popular choices were: “Summit”; “Skyhawks”; “Saints”; “Wolfpack”; “Crusaders”; “Mission”; “Shovelmakers”; and “Blizzard”.

Apparently the campus has an airfield nearby where the Navy would land Skyhawk aircraft in the 50s, so that’s a thing, at least. But man. Celebrating that Easton, MA, was home to Oliver Ames’s 19th-century shovel factory would’ve been such a great call.

Anywho! Catholic college. Congregation of the Holy Cross. Basically just St. Thomas but out east. Whatever. Go Shovelmakers.

Texas A&M-Commerce Lions

Who: Texas A&M University-Commerce
Where: Probably Commerce, Texas?
Colors: Blue and Gold
Conference: Southland
Football: Yes (Southland)

All the small satellite campuses in Texas have ambitions to get those fat payouts from other Texas schools paying them for an easy non-conference win, apparently. Remember David Bailiff, longtime Rice football coach? No? Well he’s here too, for some reason!

Commerce, Texas, is apparently a town of nine thousands in northeastern Texas that somehow supports a school of 12,000 undergraduates. I’ll give the basketball team credit for what looks like a pretty decent arena and court, at least:

Feels like we could get some small-town weirdness out of TAMU-Commerce, but it looks like the Lions play a plodding style of hoops that doesn’t feature a very efficient defense. So...uh...give it time, I guess.

---

MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Trivia

1. Boston University, Boston College, Northeastern, and Harvard compete in ice hockey for what prized cookware?
2. Ichthyology is the branch of zoology devoted to the study of what?
3. What fruit-filled, criss cross-patterned pastry takes its name from an Austrian city on the Danube River, and is thought to be the oldest cake named for a place?
4. If you’re piloting a T. Rex jumping over obstacles in a side-scrolling video game, you’re probably using which web browser while offline?
5. A “grawlix” is a collection of spirals or typographical symbols often used in print to denote what?

Thursday Evening

hang on sonofabitch a mouse just ran across the kitchen floor, goddamnit, i thought we were past this

Don’t Watch This

Virginia Tech Hokies at #24 NC State Wolfpack (-13.5, O/U 39.5) [6:30pm, ESPN]

{NFL} Baltimore Ravens at Tampa Bay Buccaneers [7:15pm, Prime Video]
{Liga MX} Toluca vs. Pachuca [8:06pm, TUDN]

Watch That

East Central Tigers at #4 Ouachita Baptist Tigers

6pm | YouTube

Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns at Southern Miss Golden Eagles

6:30pm | ESPN2 | USM -1 | O/U 43

#14 Utah Utes at Washington State Cougars

9pm | FS1 | Utah -7 | O/U 55

It feels likely that Washington State is just a mediocre, run-of-the-mill football team, but something about “Pullman on a Thursday night” feels spooky enough to work.

Cajuns-Southern Miss isn’t the most glamorous of Sun Belt matchups, and I’m not sold on the Golden Iggles—their win at Tulane in the Battle for the Rag was neat, but two one-score wins over Arkansas State and Texas State didn’t inspire much confidence. Louisiana, on the other hand, has lost to frontrunners South Alabama and...Louisiana-Monroe?!

What I’m saying is, it’s a crapshoot in the 6pm slot, but when in doubt: FUNBELT.

Sure as hell beats the emaciated corpse of Tom Brady stumbling around a field.

Friday Evening

the cat’s now sitting on my lap purring, he has no idea what’s happening, you 17.5-year-old worthless little

Don’t Watch This

Yale Bulldogs at Columbia Lions [5:30pm, ESPNU]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-6.5, O/U 57) at FIU Sunblazers [7pm, CBSSN]
Cornell Rams at Illinois College Blueboys [7pm, IC feed]

{CFL} BC Lions at Winnipeg Blue Bombers [7:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} San Antonio vs. Oakland Roots [7:30pm, ESPN+]
{VB} #12 Purdue at Northwestern [8pm, BTN]

Watch That

East Carolina Pirates at BYU Cougars

7pm | ESPN2 | BYU -3 | O/U 62

{MHKY} #1 Minnesota at #11 Ohio St.

5:30pm | BTN

How Tech is only a 7-point favorite in Boca Raton, I have no idea. The Sunblazers are some kind of ass.

This is more of a “scraping the bottom of the barrel” evening, with a surprisingly-frisky ECU—having seen off Memphis in OT and pounded UCF—hitting the meat of their schedule now: a non-con roadie at always-tough BYU, a Friday-night showdown in Cincinnati, and hosting Houston. But the Pirates have a little momentum, so perhaps they put it together in Provo a week after the Cougars took a shellacking from their fellow religious fanatics.

Saturday Morning

alright i’ve set out traps and i’m going to bed, i’m sure i’ll get yelled at in the morning

Don’t Watch This

#2 Ohio State (-15.5, O/U 61) at #13 Penn State Nittany Lions [11am, FOX]
#7 TCU Horned Frogs (-7.5, O/U 69) at West Virginia Mountaineers [11am, ESPN]
Notre Dame Fighting Irish at #16 Syracuse Orange (-2.5, O/U 48) [11am, ABC]
Arkansas Razorbacks (-3.5, O/U 61.5) at Auburn Tigers [11am, SECN]
Oklahoma Sooners (-1, O/U 56) at Iowa State Cyclones [11am, FS1]
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Florida State Seminoles (-24, O/U 47.5) [11am, ACCN]
South Florida Bulls at Houston Cougars (-17.5, O/U 61) [11am, ESPN2]
Toledo Rockets (-7, O/U 55.5) at Eastern Michigan Eagles [11am, ESPNU]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-9, O/U 48.5) at Akron Zips [11am, ESPN+]
Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-2, O/U 48) at Virginia Cavaliers [11:30am, ESPN3]

{EPL} Fulham vs. Everton [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Sevilla vs. Rayo Vallecano [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} Eintracht Frankfurt vs. Borussia Dortmund [11:30am, ESPN+]

Watch That

Boston College Eagles at UConn Huskies

11am | CBSSN | BC -7.5 | O/U 44.5

Yep. You’re reading this correctly. I hope you have a miserable Saturday, because I will.

The only way you do that is not by watching what’s likely going to be a comfortable Ohio State romp over Penn State where they probably commit a game theory crime or something, but by watching Boston College get down in the mud of a game at Connecticut, played for some reason in late October. Infuriatingly, there is no rain in the forecast, but if there’s anywhere that could just conjure up mud for the vibes, I hope it’s UConn.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Charlotte 49ers at Rice Owls (-16.5, O/U 59.5) [1pm, ESPN3]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-14, O/U 40.5) [1:30pm, BTN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at Georgia State Panthers (-4, O/U 56) [2pm, ESPN+]
Florida Gators at #1 Georgia Bulldogs (-22.5, O/U 56.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
#8 Oregon Ducks (-17, O/U 58) at California Golden Bears [2:30pm, FS1]
#10 Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-4, O/U 62) at Louisville Cardinals [2:30pm, ACCN]
#17 Illinois Fighting Illini (-7.5, O/U 50.5) at Nebraska Cornhuskers [2:30pm, ABC]
#20 Cincinnati Bearcats at UCF Citronauts (EVEN, O/U 56) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Temple Owls at Navy Midshipmen (-13.5, O/U 40.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Robert Morris Colonials at Appalachian State Mountaineers [2:30pm, ESPN+]
North Texas Mean Green at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-10, O/U 68.5) [2:30pm, Stadium]
Missouri Tigers at #25?!?!? South Carolina Gamecocks (-4, O/U 46.5) [3pm, SECN]
South Alabama Jaguars (-10, O/U 55) at Arkansas State Red Wolves [3pm, ESPNU]

Northwestern Wildcats at Iowa Hawkeyes

2:30pm | ESPN2 | Iowa -11 | O/U 37.5

Watch That

New Mexico State Aggies at UMass Minutemen

2:30pm | ESPN3 | NMSU -2 | O/U 39

#9 Oklahoma State Cowboys at #22 Kansas State Wildcats

2:30pm | FOX | KSU -1.5 | O/U 56

SMU Mustangs at Tulsa Golden Hurricane

2:30pm | ESPN+ | SMU -2.5 | O/U 64

Don’t do it.

Please.

I’m begging you.

Watch literally anything else.

We are to a point in the year where Kirk Ferentz has been an asshole to reporters and had his private PR firm put out a non-apology on his behalf, where Pat Fitzgerald is claiming his program is in the best condition it’s always been, and where there’s still a path by which Northwestern can win the Big Ten West.

But Northwestern-Iowa? It’s just going to be a redux of Iowa-Rutgers. Two helpless teams flailing around on offense, and Iowa scoring points just because they’re effectively the better team of these two horseshit, arrogant programs.

Instead? New Mexico State-UMass will feature two really grateful lovers. They are thrilled you are watching. They want to put on a show. Neither Jerry Kill’s nor Don Brown’s team should be on a college football field, but it’ll be delightful to watch it happen.

That, or SMU-Tulsa will just put up a lot of points. Go there.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

#19 Kentucky Wildcats at #3 Tennessee Volunteers (-12.5, O/U 63.5) [6pm, ESPN]
#10 USC Trojans (-15.5, O/U 76!!!) at Arizona Wildcats [6pm, Pac-12]
Colorado State Rams at Boise State Broncos (-27, O/U 43) [6pm, FS1]
UAB Blazers (-5.5, O/U 48) at Florida Atlantic Owls [6pm, CBSSN]
Michigan State Spartans at #4 Michigan Wolverines (-22.5, O/U 55) [6:30pm, ABC]
#15 Ole Miss Rebels (-2.5, O/U 55) at Texas A&M Aggies [6:30pm, SECN]
Arizona State Sun Devils (-13.5, O/U 46.5) at Colorado Buffaloes [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Baylor Bears at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-2.5, O/U 62.5) [6:30pm, ESPN2]

{MLB} Phillies at Astros [7:03pm, FOX]
{USL} Louisville City vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at Marshall Thundering Herd

6pm | NFL Network | Marshall -2.5 | O/U 55.5

Pittsburgh Panthers at #21 North Carolina Tar Heels

7pm | ACCN | UNC -3 | O/U 64.5

Big Ten Volleyball

#9 Minnesota at #5 Wisconsin [5:30pm, BTN]
#6 Ohio State at #11 Penn State [7:30pm BTN]

Special shoutout to Boise State, a 27-point favorite against Colorado State...with a total points for the game of 43. That’s a 35-8 final score. Just astonishing.

I’ll take the under.

Today, in Pac-12 news...

Sparky is going to be a beautiful, glorious shitshow again next year.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Stanford Cardinal at UCLA Bruins (-16.5, O/U 66.5) [9:30pm, ESPN]
San Diego State at Fresno State (-8.5, O/U 40.5) [9:30pm, FS1]
Nevada Wolf Pack at San Jose State Spartans (-24.5, O/U 44.5) [9:30pm, CBSSN]

{USL} Colorado Springs vs. Sacramento Republic [8pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Memphis 901 vs. Tampa Bay Rowdies [8:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at UTEP Miners

8pm | ESPN+ | UTEP -1.5 | O/U 52

Wyoming Cowboys at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10:59pm | Team1Sports (phone/tablet only) | Wyo -11.5 | O/U 50

PANIOLO TROPHY TIME:

It’s a...um...challenging...slate of games tonight. San Diego State-Fresno State could be good, though, if low-scoring. Plus, MORE RIVALRY TROPHIES:

Hell yeah, the Battle for the Old Oil Can. Let’s get weird.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Trivia

1. Beapot [yes, the error has been pointed out in the comments. let it stand as testament to the crappy job I do]
2. Fishies
3. Linzer torte
4. Google Chrome
5. swearing (or cursing or profanity)