The Weekly Mailbag has THOUGHTS on a coaches royal rumble, the best team ever, the ugliest mess, and snagging a player from the rest of the B1G

Intro to be written by MNW fuck you buddy

Hello, WSR here with this week’s mailbag. As always, everything is weird and dumb and the points are made up and HOW THE HELL DID tOSU JUST BEAT MINNESOTA IN HOCKEY (other than “rather easily”)?

What player (only 1) from each of the other BIG teams (current, no USC/UCLA) would you want on your team? - whersmyelephant

Buffkomodo: I think that Jalen Pickett would make the Hoosiers a National title contender.

BoilerUp89: Cornerback Joey Porter Jr. from Penn State.

misdreavus79: That linebacker from Iowa. What’s his name?

RockyMtnBlue: First choice: Jack Campbell, LB, Iowa. Honorable mention: Peter Skoronski, LT, Northwestern. This is probably the first year in the 21st century my first choice isn’t the OSU quarterback.

MNW: Tory Taylor from Iowa.

HWAHSQB: I second Tory Taylor or Stroud to backup for Big Time Tommy.

WSR: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, please and thank you. Minnesota needs somebody (anybody) at WR to open things up offensively.

If the B1G coaches held a royal rumble, what would be the expected order of finish? - IUinVA (WSR note: Give me your winner, the first eliminated, and who has the most eliminations.)

Buffkomodo: First eliminated is actually Mike Woodson because he just walks off to grab a cigar and sit in a chair and laugh at the ruckus. I’ll take Brad Underwood as the winner and I think Fran takes down the most people but eventually succumbs.

BoilerUp89: Assuming we are talking about football - and not doing the pivot to basketball that Komodo so clearly wants to do (and I’d be perfectly happy with by the way, because I love basketball) - I’d take Bert to win, Fleck to be first eliminated, Fitzgerald to have the most eliminations. If we are talking basketball - Juwan is the clear leader in most eliminations - but I’d also take Underwood as the eventual winner.

misdreavus79: Yeah for the rest of us football season isn’t over so let’s go ahead and answer the football question: I’d like to believe hyper guys like Fleck and Franklin would win, but in reality that would only lead to them getting bounced first. And we know no one’s picking up Bert and throwing him off the ring —he’s your winner right there.

RockyMtnBlue: Bert to win feels pretty obvious, with a scrappy Tom Allen as first runner up. CEO James Franklin is first eliminated.

MNW: Can Pat Fitzgerald wear his neck roll?

BoilerUp’s got the right idea here — if this was at the start of the year, it’d be Scott Frost first out with the bullet, because every single coach would take aim at him. But how it would go now is still going to be enjoyable:

Brohm and Fleck are going to get so locked in combat and distracted by each other that someone’s just going to take a chair to them and call it a day. I don’t know that Harbaugh ever gets in the ring. I think Franklin’s jumping around the outside, getting all hyped, but never actually does anything. He makes it a long way, though, just because you kinda forget he’s there.

Does Mike Locksley just kind of survive by attrition?

I’ll give Bert the most knockouts, but he’s definitely getting winded midway through and getting unseated by a well-timed tackle from Tel Mucker. Gimme ol’ Muckster to win.

HWAHSQB: Bert all the way. Give me Locks as runner-up and Fleck is out first as all 13 guys turn on him at the bell.

WSR: First eliminated is Ryan Day. He just doesn’t bring anything to the table at all. Most eliminations is Mike Locksley, because that man knows how to punch other coaches and threaten reporters and whatnot. But yeah, anyone thinking they’re eliminating the force of nature that is Bert is out of their mind more than the average football coach usually is.

I have one caveat, though. If Phil Parker attacks Kirk while he’s walking to the ring and takes his spot, he may have enough built-up rage over this season and the complete waste of his defense’s pretty outstanding efforts.

More laughable situation? Texas A&M or Iowa? - cericjo (WSR note: If there are any other ridiculous situations out there, please throw them in.)

Buffkomodo: It’s hilarious what’s going on with Purdue. They’ve got all those big guys and nobody to get them the ball! Just completely laughable.

misdreavus79: It’s Texas A&M and it’s not even close. You made all the headlines for buying yourself the best class in recruiting rankings history and have a losing season right after? Yeah no bueno jose-o.

MNW: A&M. Dear God. What a trainwreck. You truly, truly hate to see it.

HWAHSQB: I am laughing hardest at I-wa.

WSR: TAMU is absolutely a mess right now, but they can write a check and try again. Iowa? Iowa’s got some rot that goes right through to the studs. How do you fix the offense? Well, Kirk, WHO ISN’T BRIAN’S SUPERVISOR, will review his performance at the end of the year. I’m sure that the combination of his blatant incompetence, his father’s flaunting of Iowa’s anti-nepotism laws, Gary Barta’s cowardice, and BRIAN AND KIRK STILL FACING A SUIT OVER RACIAL DISCRIMINATION will lead to absolutely no changes at all, except maybe putting in an extra OL for an eligible receiver or something. Who knows, maybe one of Iowa’s reporters will accidentally find a semblance of a spine and actually ask Kirk a question other than “How’s the flavor of the gum lasting, chief?” At least when they beat Minnesota this year it won’t sting at all.

What is your team’s best season that you witnessed? - Buckeyes2014

Buffkomodo: 2002 NCAA runner ups baby.

BoilerUp89: Best performing Purdue team I witnessed - 2021. Most fun I had - 2009. Sure they went 5-7, but that team was a lot of fun.

misdreavus79: 2005, 2008, and 2016 were Big Ten title seasons, 2009, 2017, and 2019 were double-digit win seasons, and 2018 wasn't too bad. So I’m going to go with the three Big Ten title seasons.

MNW: 2016-17 Northwestern basketball. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats.

HWAHSQB: Did you know that the 1983 Illini are the only team to ever beat every team in the Big Ten in one year? Jack Trudeau to David Williams was fire and second on the team in catches was TE and old friend of OTE Tim Brewster.

WSR: The easy answer is 2019, because it’s one of the only two acceptable answers for Minnesota fans. I’m still upset at Glen Mason over 2003 because John Navarre just completed YET ANOTHER screen pass to Chris Perry for 10 yards and yet another Michigan first down. Did we lose to I-wa and wisconsin? Yes. Were both of those games stupid? Yes.

Was that Penn State win the most fun ever? Absolutely.

Now that Illinois is good/competent what should Thumpasaurus do with himself (other than enjoy the current season)? - PatentExaminer

Buffkomodo: A few people (IU beat writers) picked them to win this season. I mean they got the title last year and have been competitive since the coaching change. Not sure why anyone is surprised. I think Thump should just keep enjoying the season man. Ranked not only in basketball, but in football too! Crazy!

misdreavus79: Enjoy life, smell the roses, and other things that people with good teams do!

...or, you know, completely outsize his expectations for the program and blow a gasket if Illinois loses to Nebraska and Purdue. That’s what a real fan would do, I hear!

RockyMtnBlue: Wash my car.

MNW: Just sit around and wait for it to fall apart, of course.

HWAHSQB: In the immortal words of Prince, if the elevator tries to bring you down, Go Crazy!

WSR: I think he should have a drink and celebrate.