I took an extended weekend to spend some time outside and enjoy the weather and now I’m late on this and everything else I was supposed to do. However, I do not regret my actions.

You know who might though? Some of the people involved in this week’s Fall’s Tarts.

Half-Assing An Aggressive Move

Iowa offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz has been making headlines, but not the good kind like you want. In particular, his offense has been in this column more often than not. Many things could have landed him here from the Hawkeyes’ lifeless performance against Michigan. Iowa, for instance, threatened to cut it to a one score game inside the Michigan 10 only for Spencer Petras to throw short of the sticks on 4th and 2.

However, the best Brian Ferentz moment of the day was just before halftime when Iowa took over with nine seconds to play and lined up in a kneel down formation.

A ton of motion way out in the left flat alerted Michigan to some shenanigans, and sure enough it was a fake kneel down. You heard me right, Iowa called a fake kneel down. The result of the play was a handoff to Leshon Williams, wasting three players on failed misdirection to the left and getting seven blockers to the right to gain......six yards.

Iowa called a fake kneel down and got SIX YARDS OUT OF IT.

Mike Leach would physically fight your coaching staff if he found out about this.

You Can’t Take Them With You

You know what’s really annoying? When your coach leaves timeouts on the board and goes into halftime with all of them left. They don’t roll over!

Indiana head coach Tom Allen did NOT want to make that mistake, and he made sure of it when Indiana called the first timeout of the game with 15 minutes left on the first quarter clock. That’s right, before a single snap could take place, Indiana had two timeouts.

Super Smashed Brothers Brawl

The showdown between #9 Ole Miss and #13 Kentucky was an absolute slugfest.

You know what wasn’t?

The frat fight in the stands!

Does anyone even land a clean hit? Did they agree to Slappers Only like they were playing GoldenEye on the N64? What were they even slapping about?

We’ll never know and I don’t really care that much.

From Bad To Worse To Much Worse

Nebraska started out with a 7-0 lead at home against Indiana and were looking to finally get rid of the ghost of Scott Frost.

However, as a Hoosier blitz closed in, Casey Thompson backup quarterback Chubba Purdy was possessed by the ghost of ol’ Scooter himself. He ran backwards until he realized he was at the goal line, then got wrestled down in the end zone, and just before his back hit the ground he dropped the ball. What would have been a sack became a safety which quickly became a touchdown instead. That’s Purdy bad!

It’s Only A 45 Minute Drive

In the early stages of the Illinois win over Wisconsin, the game was back and forth for a bit. Wisconsin scored first but Illinois answered with a touchdown. The Badgers drove back down the field and made a field goal, then stopped the Illini to force a punt. Graham Mertz then threw his second interception of the game to set up Illinois inside Wisconsin territory and Chase Brown quickly had the Orange & Blue in business at the Badger 29.

From there, a pass interference penalty gave Illinois half the distance to the goal. The Illini chipped away and caught Wisconsin offsides on 4th and 1 from the 5. On 1st and goal, Tommy DeVito hit Chase Brown for a touchdown, but it came back due to an Ineligible Man Downfield penalty for the drive’s third flag. First and goal from the 7 saw Isaiah Williams’ throw to Kody Case dropped, but Illinois also committed an illegal formation penalty. Wisconsin declined, valuing the loss of a down more than five more yards.

After much consultation, the officials decided that Wisconsin declining the penalty meant the play resulted in a touchdown and therefore Wisconsin could not decline. I have no idea what this reasoning was about but in any case it was 1st and goal for the Illini at the 12. The next play saw an incompletion and a pass interference penalty enforced against Wisconsin...moving the ball to the 3 for some reason. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, the Illini punched it in.

This drive was endless and marked by two bizarre officiating decisions that both took place after lengthy meetings. Everyone is fortunate that this didn’t end up being a deciding factor in the game.

You Look Parched My Good Sir

In a part of the USC— Arizona State game that was still competitive, Trojans quarterback Caleb Williams saw fit to talk some shit to the ASU sideline. Defensive tackle Nesta Jade Silvera took exception to this and squeezed a blast from his water bottle into Williams’ face.

No flags!

He Knows What He Did

The second half of Nebraska’s game against Indiana was tightly contested and became heated. Offensive tackle Turner Corcoran was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct and the officials believed that would be enough for him to learn his lesson.

Imagine their disappointment when he threw a punch just minutes later.

You don’t have to imagine it. The head official expressed quite clearly how disappointed they were in Corcoran:

I doubt we’ll hear a better call from an official than this.

“Number 69, by his actions, has ejected himself from the game.”

This is a legendary call. I believe that I’ve heard it phrased this way before, but it has been quite some time. The message is clear. They didn’t want it to have to come to this, but he left them no choice. It was out of their hands. If it were up to them, he’d have stayed in, but the actions he chose to take were those of a future ejection recipient, not a game finisher.

There was nothing else that could be done.

Week 3’s poll closed and the Title IX Brainfart narrowly edged out “What Are You Purdueing?” and “Fair Catch At The 1” to claim victory.

Currently, last week’s poll is open, but usually these don’t get votes after the next one goes up.

“Maryland Visor Bonk” leads “go canes lol” (backfield friendly fire tackle at mesh point by The U) by the narrowest of margins, with The Entire Mizzou-Auburn Game in third.