It is time to rate things on the internet.
A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.
I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.
Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.
There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.
There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.
The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.
Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.
This week there are five “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is indicative of a neutral to bearish trend on the OTE Index.
Holy cow, there was some seriously stupid football this weekend. Penn State and Northwestern set the game back two decades with the slopfest in State College, Ohio State pulled a fake punt on Rutgers while sitting on a big lead, Iowa went all air-raid, Wiscy got throttled at its own game, and Indiana played at Nebraska.
This coming week is going to be even dumber. There will be a ROCK FIGHT in Chambana, Wisconsin at N’ern, Maryland at Purdue, and of course....Nebby at Rutgers. Gird your loins.
(Defeated Rutgers, 49-10) The Buckeyes took care of business. Again. Rutgers was held to 187 yards of offense, and 3.3 yards per play. Ohio State is the class of the conference. Again. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Michigan State.
(Defeated Iowa, 27-14) This was a well-played game, with a box score that would look very familiar to football fans in 1984. No turnovers, few penalties, and the winning team had 327 yards of offense. Michigan is good, and they are the team most likely to give OSU a game. Next up: @Indiana.
(Defeated Wisconsin, 34-10) Illinois pushed Wisconsin around. Bert’s crew had an eight minute time of possession advantage, won the turnover battle 3-0, and exhibited competence in both the run and pass game. Their defense played exceptionally well, and Chase Brown had another strong day. For at least a week, the Illini are in “Buy” territory. ROCK FIGHT in Chambana this weekend. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Iowa.
(Defeated Michigan State, 27-13) Maryland effectively picked apart the Spartan secondary on Saturday. The defense kept MSU under wraps through the second half. This game was not as close as the score would indicate. Who would have picked Terps/Trains as must-watch television at the start of the season? Not me. Next up: Purdue.
(Defeated Minnesota, 20-10) Some amazing things can happen for Purdue if they do not beat themselves. The Boilers even put together a decent running attack this week. This was a quality road win, and puts them into “Buy” territory. Next up: @Maryland.
(Defeated Northwestern, 17-7) This game was thoroughly gross. It is a trait of good programs to win games even when they are not playing their best. It would appear that PSU is a good program. Why don’t you sit in “Hold” territory for a week or so to think about what almost happened. Next up: Idle (@Michigan, 10/15).
(Lost to Purdue, 20-10) It just wasn’t Goldy’s day. Mo Ibrahim did not play this weekend, and his production was sorely missed by the Gopher offense. Fleck tried to compensate by putting the burden on Tanner Morgan’s arm, but three interceptions doomed their chances. Alas, Lutefisk Icarus was flying too close to the sun. Back to “Hold.” Next up: Idle (@Illinois, 10/15).
(Lost to Michigan, 27-14) Spencer Petras threw the ball 31 times against Michigan, which is another way of saying “Iowa lost.” Under no other circumstance would Ferentz let this happen. The defense held down a high-scoring Wolverine squad, but it takes more than two-thirds of a team to beat the Blue. The Hawkeyes are exactly who we think they are. Next up: @Illinois.
(Defeated Indiana, 35-21) In a sign that the end times are approaching, Nebraska blocked an opponent’s punt and returned it for a touchdown. The Huskers still did their share of stupid things (ejection, fumble in end zone for Hoosier TD), but they cobbled together enough good stuff to win. Progress. Perhaps they can win another one this week? It will be close. Next up: @Rutgers (Friday).
(Lost to Illinois, 34-10) Here is a recipe for Sconnie disaster: three turnovers, ten penalties, and two (2!) rushing yards on only 24 carries. Mix those ingredients together and you cook up a loss so convincing it gets the coach fired. No phase of the game looks good for Wisconsin right now. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: @Northwestern.
(Lost to Ohio State, 49-10) The more things change, the more they stay the same. Coach Schiano has elevated this program significantly since his return, but not nearly enough to avoid getting stomped by OSU. The offense is in bad shape, but this week ‘Gers faces a defense that might cure what ails them. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Nebraska (Friday).
(Lost to Maryland, 27-13) The road is starting to look steeper and steeper for Sparty. Maryland was the better team last weekend. Ohio State is a much, much better team than Maryland. Next up: Ohio State.
(Lost to Penn State, 17-7) You have to be a special kind of awful to get five turnovers from your opponent...and lose by 10. It is even rarer to only score seven points off of those five turnovers. Calling this offense anemic is an insult to blood disorders. Next up: Wisconsin.
(Lost to Nebraska, 35-21) Indiana last on this list because they lost to Nebraska. The Hoosiers scored a defensive touchdown. Yet, they still managed to lose, by two touchdowns, to a team that committed 12 penalties for 111 yards. This is not easy to do. Next up: Michigan
Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.
Who should be most embarrassed? Week 5 edition
This poll is closed
Nebraska (on general principle)
Which game will be dumbest?
This poll is closed
Nebby at Rutgers
Purdue at Maryland
Wisconsin at Northwestern
Iowa at Illinois