Note: This article is purely to inform you of the time, TV, odds, line, spread, betting, and general vibe of the college football schedule. Any learning you do, entertainment you draw, or commentary you glean from the words that follow is purely coincidental and not the intent of sports blog nation dot com or whatever other blog picks this up and doesn’t give me credit for it (I see you, bleacher report).

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I swore after MNWildkit showed up that I wouldn’t turn this piece into a “Hey, look at my kid” thing, or a “Hey, wow, dadding is hard” thing.

I already want to punch myself for using the word “dadding” unironically, if unintentionally.

But fatherhood—even as my wife is on maternity leave through November, a stressful thing because in this very normal country she doesn’t get paid until some shitty lump sum from Aflac comes through in the form of short-term disability whenever her claim gets processed—has forced a change in the way that I do Don’t Watch This; Watch That.

Except I haven’t figured out what that change is.

Usually, I get home on Wednesday night, have a beer after reading bar trivia, and get to work. It takes a half hour or so to type up all the games—which, why I do that anymore is beyond me, since no one reads this nonsense and for all the SEO mandates we get, SBN sure funnels fuck-all worth of readership to OTE—before I need to come up with the witty things that keep you all coming back for more.

Writing the features for DWT;WT takes anywhere from an hour on a good day when I’m just plagiarizing my own syllabus to a half a day when I’m researching the only other 7-3 victory in Iowa football history.

Was it worth it? Probably not! It amuses me and maybe ten other people. The Mothership does not give two shits about it; the headline is not “Ohio State 70, Toledo 14: Rapid Reaction, Thoughts, Players of the Game,” and thus it does not merit future mention. But the fun, quirky, possibly insane and definitely unhealthy parts of college football are what keep us coming back for more, right? That, and the “Chicken Sandwiches are Terrible, Actually” takes.

I’m right on that one, by the way.

Where I was going with this is that last night, writing DWT;WT, I fell asleep. At 12:15am my wife woke me up on the couch, where I had my head resting in my hand. I’d gotten three hours of sleep the night before, the kid had been fussing since I’d returned home, and we were both just exhausted. I even drooled in my hand! That’s fun.

Dads not getting sleep is not an abnormal thing; surely, on a blog empire devoted to what middle-aged white dudes in the suburbs like, this is a hilariously lame take.

But it’s what I reflected on this morning as, in between rewriting and re-recording a lecture for one of my online classes, I fed my daughter a bottle and wanted to listen to some music (only both hands were occupied and my phone was in my pocket).

So I said “Hey Google, open Spotify and play “Trivia” playlist.” (I have a good mostly 90s rock/alt playlist that the middle-aged white folk like me love at trivia.)

It played, instead, this:

So I’m listening to some soft jazz, apparently, looking around my daughter’s nursery, and I see one of those black-and-white cards you show infants because it’s what their eyes can focus on and distinguish. You know, shit like this:

Except, well, this one was of the Western Hemisphere. Not a bad idea, in theory! I like the map concept, would annoyingly read them to adults as a child...and I’m sure the different designs are as much for us old people to not blow our brains out as they are to develop young people’s brains.

But we gotta talk about Florida, man:

I’m in utter horror thinking about what Florida could possibly have seen that’d make it do that. If Florida’s happy to see you, run.

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MNW’s Lightly-Plagiarized Trivia (answers at the bottom):

1. Four different FBS football rivalries involve a boot as the trophy. Name any two.
2. What doctor in Scotland couldn’t get patients to his new practice in 1882, meaning he had plenty of time to write his first novel, “A Study in Scarlet”?
3. The world’s fourth-most populated country is home to the most active volcanoes in the world, including one that, in 1883, made the loudest sound ever heard in modern history. Name the volcano.
4. What heteronyms (spelled the same, pronounced differently) can mean “an agreement”, or “to shrink”? Two answers acceptable.
5. The first commercially-available CDs were released in Japan in October 1982. The first one purchased was reportedly 52nd Street, including hits like “My Life” and “Big Shot” by what artist?

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

Fairmont State Fighting Falcons at Alderson Broaddus Battlers [6pm, Mountain East TV]
Northeastern State RiverHawks at Central Oklahoma Broncos [7pm, MIAA Network — Battle for the President’s Cup]

Watch That

UMass Dartmouth Corsairs at Massachusetts Maritime Buccaneers

6pm | Mass. Maritime stream

I think what I’m proudest of in DWT;WT, 2022 Edition, is that this will be the SECOND Massachusetts Maritime game I’ve watched in the Buccaneers’ 2022 season. I tuned in for their disheartening 17-14 loss in the CHOWDER BOWL to SUNY Maritime, but I’m confident that against the hated Corsairs of UMass Dartmouth, my Bucs can get it done.

YOU CAN BE UMASS, OR YOU CAN BE DARTMOUTH, YOU GODDAMN CORSAIRS, BUT YOU CAN’T BE BOTH. GO BUCS.

Also the Buccaneers close their season with the Cranberry Bowl against Bridgewater State and, I mean, I’m all for rivalries and bowls named for random fruit. LONG LIVE THE CHERRY BOWL.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Harvard Crimson at Cornell Big Red [6pm, ESPNU]
Houston Cougars at Memphis Tigers (-3, O/U 57.5) [6:30pm, ESPN2]
Colorado State Rams at Nevada Wolf Pack (-3.5, O/U 44) [9:30pm, FS1]

Watch That

Nebraska Cornhuskers at Rutgers Scarlet Knights

6pm | FS1 | UNL -3 | O/U 48.5

UNLV Rebels at San Jose State Spartans

9:30pm | CBSSN | SJSU -7 | O/U 53

Y’know, in my haste to grade 115 essays this week, I totally forgot that I’d done a bowl projections lineup, realized I was 5-6 teams short, and never published it. That was probably an hour of wasted work right there.

Since our DWT;WT Team of Choice San Jose State is on them, would you like to see the bowl projections? SURE YOU WOULD!

Neither Nebraska nor Rutgers is featured in there, which is part of what informs why you should watch what is sure to be this beautiful shitshow of a game. The Scarlet Knights just kind of run trick plays for shits and giggles; the Cornhuskers are a running practical joke. I truly do not care who wins, as long as there is at least one safety, one blocked kick/punt, and one fumble that escapes three would-be-recoverers like a greased pig before hitting Greg Schiano squarely in the nuts.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#4 Michigan Wolverines (-22, O/U 59) at Indiana Hoosiers [11am, FOX]
#8 Tennessee Volunteers (-3, O/U 63.5) at #25 LSU Tigers [11am, ESPN]
Arkansas Razorbacks at #23 Mississippi State Bulldogs (-8, O/U 61.5) [11am, SECN]
Missouri Tigers at Florida Gators (-11, O/U 55) [11am, ESPNU]
Texas Longhorns (-7, O/U 65.5) at Oklahoma Sooners [11am, ABC]
Louisville Cardinals (-3, O/U 50.5) at Virginia Cavaliers [11am, CBSSN]
Buffalo Bulls (-2, O/U 54.5) at Bowling Green Falcons [11am, ESPN+]

Watch That

#17 TCU Horned Frogs at #19 Kansas Jayhawks

11am | FS1 | TCU -7 | O/U 67.5

What a morning of SEC also-rans:

• Tennessee is ranked 8th and still will never be taken seriously because Alabama and Georgia exist and stop kidding yourselves
• We’re at the point in the season where the pollsters are shrugging and saying “OK, load all the marginally-good SEC squads into the back end of the Top 25.”
• Unranked Texas plays unranked Oklahoma

This is your conference, Greg Sankey. Congratties.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Akron Zips at Ohio Bobcats (-11.5, O/U 59.5) [1pm, ESPN3]
South Florida Brahman Bulls at #24 Cincinnati Bearcats (-27.5, O/U 59.5) [1:30pm, ESPN+]
Auburn Tigers at #2 Georgia Bulldogs (-30, O/U 49) [2:30pm, CBS]
Texas Tech Red Raiders at #7 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-9.5, O/U 70) [2:30pm, FS1]
wisconsin badgers (-10, O/U 44) at Northwestern Wildcats [2:30pm, BTN]
Sportswashing, American-Style (-24.5, O/U 49.5) at UMass Minutemen [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Virginia Tech Hokies at Pittsburgh Panthers (-14.5, O/U 43) [2:30pm, ACCN]
East Carolina Pirates at Tulane Green Wave (-3, O/U 53) [2:30pm, ESPNU]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-6, O/U 45.5) at Navy Midshipmen [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Central Michigan Chippewas (-7.5, O/U 64.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Toledo Rockets (-5.5, O/U 60) at Northern Illinois Huskies [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Kent State Golden Flashes (-5.5, O/U 56.5) at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks [2:30pm, ESPN+]
MTSU Blue Raiders at UAB Blazers (-9, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, Stadium]
#3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-26.5, O/U 64) at Michigan State Spartans [3pm, ABC]
#9 Ole Miss Rebels (-18, O/U 62) at Vanderbilt Commodores [3pm, SECN]
#21 Washington Huskies (-14, O/U 57.5) at Arizona State Sun Devils [3pm, Pac-12]
Duke Blue Devils (-3, O/U 53.5) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [3pm, ESPN3]
North Carolina Tar Heels at Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-3.5, O/U 66) [3pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

Georgia Southern Eagles at Georgia State Panthers

1pm | ESPN3 | State -3 | O/U 68

#11 Utah Utes at #18 UCLA Bruins

2:30pm | FOX | Utah -4.5 | O/U 65

Hail Tulane, the One Good Account:

Lot of compelling games this afternoon that lack a storyline that interests me—MACtion should be good for a little insanity, East Carolina-Tulane could give us a surprise AAC contender, and UNC-Miami should be so dumb you cry tears of joy.

But the ones that should give bang for your buck, here are a good, old-fashioned Georgia rivalry and some ranked Pac-12 teams who might actually be halfway decent playing some actually-good football.

Wait. Those two paragraphs read entirely wrong. What happened here?

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Air Force Falcons (-10, O/U 55.5) at Utah State Aggies [6pm, FS1]
James Madison (-11.5, O/U 56) at Arkansas State [6pm, NFLN]
Appalachian State (-19, O/U 55.5) at Texas State [6pm, ESPN+]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles at Troy Trojans (-6.5, O/U 44) [6pm, ESPN+]
UTEP Miners at Louisiana Tech (-3, O/U 52.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
#5 Clemson Tigers (-20.5, O/U 48.5) at Boston College Eagles [6:30pm, ABC]
Washington State Cougars at #6 USC Trojans (-13, O/U 66) [6:30pm, FOX]
South Carolina Gamecocks at #13 Kentucky Wildcats (-10.5, O/U 49) [6:30pm, SECN]
Army West Point Black Knights at #15 Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-16.5, O/U 66) [6:30pm, ESPN3]
#16 BYU Cougars at Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-3.5, O/U 52) [6:30pm, NBC]
#20 Kansas State Wildcats (-2, O/U 45) at Iowa State Cyclones [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Iowa Hawkeyes at Illinois Fighting Illini (-3.5, O/U 35.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
Texas A&M Aggies at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-24, O/U 51.5) [7pm, CBS]
Florida State Seminoles at #14 NC State Wolfpack (-3.5, O/U 50.5) [7pm, ACCN]
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (-14, O/U 58) at UL Monroe Warhawks [7pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at UTSA Roadrunners

5pm | ESPN+ | UTSA -6.5 | O/U 72.5

Wyoming Cowboys at New Mexico Lobos

6pm | CBSSN | Wyo -3.5 | O/U 36.5

UConn Huskies at FIU Sunblazers

6pm | ESPN3 | UConn -5 | O/U 46.5

We are hitting ALL the DWT;WT specialities here outside a true college football rivalry:

• LOTS OF POINTS in WKU-UTSA, two of the more fun offenses in college football
• NO POINTS in Wyoming-New Mexico, where Craig Bohl and...whoever the UNM coach is now...will run the ball and run the ball and run the ball and it’ll be over in a crisp 2:30.
• UConn football, nature’s practical joke, ROAD FAVORITES at a Florida International team that is dogshit but also beat a favored New Mexico State team by double-digit scores last week.

And to think some people want you to watch Clemson.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

#12 Oregon Ducks (-13, O/U 70.5) at Arizona Wildcats [8pm, Pac-12]
Fresno State Bulldogs at Boise State Broncos (-7.5, O/U 46.5) [8:45pm, FS1]
Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at San Diego State Aztecs (-21, O/U 48) [9:30pm, CBSSN]

Watch That

Oregon State Beavers at Stanford Cardinal

10pm | ESPN | Oregon State -7 | O/U 56.5

That is...well...that’s an evening lineup. There’s potential in Fresno-Boise if the Bulldogs have finally pulled their heads out of their asses, but it looks like Bronco magic is starting to work again in the Mountain West despite the fact that their offense is revolting. Here’s what happened:

• September 24: Head coach Andy Avalos, after the Broncos lost to UTEP, fired OC Tim Plough. Dirk Koetter announced as the Broncos’ OC.
• September 26: QB who was not-very-good-at-his-job Hank Bachmeier (54% completion rate) announces he’s transferring out, making RS frosh Taylen Green the starter.
• September 30, first half: Green goes 5/10 for 48 yards and a pick, bringing his year total to 0 TDs, 2 INTs, and a 5.3 YPC mark. Boise State trails San Diego State, 13-0.
• September 30, second half: freshman Sam Vidlak enters the game, going 9/12 for 86 yards and no scores, but Green runs for two TDs and 105 yards. Boise State wins, 35-13.

Blue turf and revolting offense? No thanks, I’ll watch Oregon State do who-the-fuck-knows against a bad Stanford team. The Beavs have their backs to the metaphorical wall here—having lost a tight one to USC and by BTFO’d by Utah—and need to pick up some easy Pac-12 wins to get to bowl eligibility.

Oh, and the Beavers’ kicker? ATTICUS SAPPINGTON. I don’t need anything more in my life.

My wife is nap-trapped, so I’m gonna go throw grapes at her until the Massachusetts Maritime game comes on. Enjoy the weekend, everyone.

MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Trivia Answers:

1. Arkansas-LSU (the Golden Boot), Louisiana-ULM (the Wooden Boot), Colorado State-Wyoming (the Bronze Boot), and Utah/Utah State/BYU (the Beehive Boot, to the winner of the series)
2. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
3. Krakatoa (the nation is Indonesia)
4. compact/contract
5. William Joel