Weekly Mailbag Sings Our Responses to a Taylor Swift Song.

Again, I would like to apologize for the delay here. It was a week. Thankfully, my procrastination/working/going to Gopher basketball and football games instead of posting this worked out well, as Dead Read will be delayed in the stock report while he recovers from a rather horrific incident involving a large circus tent and a conspiracy of lemurs. Just like the last time he had this issue, we wish him a speedy recovery.

What’s your go-to karaoke song? - MNW

Buffkomodo: In a group, Wagon Wheel. By myself, Follow Me by Uncle Kracker.

RockyMtnBlue: Brandy by Looking Glass. Yes I’m old.

MNW: Oh, that is an absolute banger, RMB.

I have done karaoke twice in my life—one was blackout drunk to “Long Black Train” by Josh Turner with some high school buddies, the other was at an Applebee’s to “Picture” by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow (what can I say, I do a great Sheryl Crow). I am proud of neither of those things.

If I ever did give it a try again and was singing for keeps—I can carry a tune but I’m not blowing anyone’s mind—something by Chris Young would be up there. Or just “King of Wishful Thinking” by Go West.

WSR: I am not exactly a person to sing karaoke sober, so everyone is in for a treat when it happens. This past weekend we went with Folsom Prison Blues and Story of My Life by Social Distortion. I don’t exactly have a great range anymore, so if I have to go to a another song it’s something like 16 Tons by Tennessee Ernie Ford. Gone are the days of singing Charmless Man by Blur or Know Your Rights by The Clash. They were a blurry blast.

misdreavus79: Your garden variety “90s/early 2000s boy band and/or pop icon” is usually what I go for. I haven’t done it in a while, since before the pandemic I believe.

jesse: Honestly not a huge karaoke guy, but “Since you’ve been gone” was a banger like... sixteen years ago (probably also the last time I did karaoke).

MaximumSam: Cocaine Blues is always a crowd pleaser. Plus it has a moral at the end about how you shouldn’t use cocaine.

Which P5 conference is the most trash this year? Show your work. - Humble Starscream

MNW: Seeing as how the ACC just had its fraudulent front-runner knocked out by a Notre Dame club that lost to Marshall, that the Carolina schools are all kind of slapping each other around in the low part of the rankings...

...I’m still going to say the big Ten.

WSR: It’s the ACC. The B1G has 2 teams that are borderline-playoff quality, and a few more that’ll win their bowl games if they avoid awful matchups. Even the “good” teams in the ACC aren’t great.

Kind of...: Definitely the ACC. Both division leaders got thumped by Notre Dame. UNC additionally allowed App. State (who is sub-.500 in their own conference) to score 40 points...IN A QUARTER. Florida State did beat LSU opening weekend, and the league’s second best non-conference win is...Syracuse over Purdue???

misdreavus79: When your highest ranked team is No. 10, and that team got whipped around by a team that lost to Stanford and Marshall, you know your conference is bad bad. And the aforementioned No. 10 team has a reputation, after having won multiple national titles in recent memory. So they’r not even getting the benefit of the doubt (anymore).

jesse: I want to be a contrarian here, but like, who else ‘could’ it be? The bottom of the Big Ten is really bad - I watch Nebraska, I know this to be true - but the top of the ACC is mediocre at best and at least we will be in the playoffs.

What are the chances we get 2 B1G teams in the CFP? - Ghostradamus

Buffkomodo: 0. SeC iS sUpErIoR.

RockyMtnBlue: You’re hilarious.

MNW: I too am drinking at 9am on a Friday.

WSR: They’re low, but not 0. We’re gonna need a few things to make it even slightly possible:

1. Michigan needs to beat tOSU (in OT, if possible) and then blister the shit out of the West sacrifice in the B1G title game.
2. Notre Dame needs to go on an ungodly tear to make tOSU look better.
3. Texas needs to beat TCU.
4. PAC, y’all need to get your crazy on. Oregon could use another dumb loss. OSU, you up for this one? And then an ugly USC loss would be nice. Finally...
5. SEC. We need some effort here. We need you to do this just right so we can have a 2-SEC 2-B1G team playoff. Let’s have Tennessee drop another one (South Carolina feels nice and dumb), Bama needs to lose to Auburn (you know deep in your soul this feels right), and LSU needs to play Georgia close in the SEC Championship game after snuffing the everloving fuck out of Texas A&M. Like “Jimbo gets fired in the postgame press conference by a rich oil asshole who looks like the rich crazy Texan from The Simpsons who just burst through a door and slapped a $98 million dollar check on the coach mid-sentence about how the offseason is an opportunity for everyone to get better” beating.

It’s a reach, but I think we can get this to happen.

Kind of...: @WSR put a lot of work in above, so I could just going to piggy-back on that. But I’ll go a different route.

South Carolina beats Clemson; Clemson wins ACC. ACC shut out.

TCU loses either @ Texas or @ Baylor and loses the rematch in the Big 12 title game. Big 12 shut out.

At this point, it really is B1G champ, SEC champ (or 12-1 UGa if LSU beats them), Pac 12, and one at-large, and would basically be a beauty contest between Michigan/OSU loser and Tennessee.

To make it simpler, the Pac 12 could implode. Simplest path would be USC beating UCLA, losing to Notre Dame, then beating Oregon, meaning all Pac 12 teams have 2 losses. In that case, you’re looking at B1G champ vs. Tennessee and B1G East runner-up vs. Georgia. You ready for that shit?

misdreavus79: Well I don’t really have much else to say here other than “yes, for the reasons above.”

Is the B1G west the worst it’s ever been? - Free Beer Tomorrow

RockyMtnBlue: I suppose that depends on your definition of ‘good’. The SEC will tell you that a couple great teams in the middle of a mess indicates the GREATEST CONFERENCE EVER. I don’t think OSU or Michigan are typical-year-Alabama-good, but they’re pretty good. So by SEC logic this is one of the best years in recent memory for the big10.

MNW: In Sagarin’s conference ratings, the Big Ten West is currently 7th—ahead of only the Pac-12 South (8) and ACC Coastal (10). The only year I can find where the division’s rating was worse was 2015, the year fraudulent-ass Iowa won the West.

So I think we’ve all learned something here.

WSR: No. 2020 was far worse. 2015 was worse.

Kind of...: Disagree about 2015 and 2020. In 2015, we all knew Iowa wasn’t as good as they looked, but Wisconsin and Northwestern were both 10 win teams, and pretty good. Northwestern beat Stanford, the Pac 12 champs, and throttled Tennessee in a bowl game. UW lost close games they shoulda/coulda won against Iowa and NW, and the other loss was to Alabama, i.e., the national champs. All three of those teams are better than any B1G West team this year.

2020 is closer, but hard to measure because of Covid. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but Iowa in 2020 was really good. They had the 0-2 start, but basically went on a tear after that, finishing 6-0, with only one win closer than 14. I’ll take that team over 2022 Illinois.

To me, it’s 2022 vs. 2018. I’ll take 2022 Illinois over 2018 NW, but 2018 Illinois’s last place team is also better than 2022 NW’s last place team, so ???

misdreavus79: Hasn’t it always been like this for the West, though? You had a year when a 7-5 team won your division, and another where the champion lost to the top 3 in the East (wait that one’s almost every year never mind). I don’t know that the West is any “worse” or “better” than it usually is. The West is six teams that like to score as few points as possible while running the ball 98% of the time then putting, plus Purdue. Of course some teams are going to take losses when “not losing” is the game plan.

SPECIAL EXTRA MNW BONUS QUESTIONS!!!

MNW: I should clarify. You all asked such shitty questions this week that WSR came to me, in his darkest hour, to beg my humble help and participation in the Mailbag. What you get is what I could come up with while three sheets to the wind.

What kind of scented candle do you like best?

RockyMtnBlue: Do they make a scented candle that smells like pot roast? That would be a winner. Otherwise get the hell out of here and don’t stink up my house. I’m making pot roast.

MNW: Being married to a white girl from the suburbs with this kind of taste in music, I think you know exactly what my house smells like. There are multiple copies of Magnolia magazine on our coffee table, for some reason, with recipes dog-eared despite the fact that I already know how to make short ribs and garlic mashed potatoes and no, I’m fairly sure I’m not going to spend $30 on artisanal sage just to really make it sing, Joanna.

That said, I love a Christmas-themed candle that goes for the spruce smell. Really puts me in the holiday spirit to watch a big-city lawyer lose his gal to a humble Christmas tree salesman in her hometown.

WSR: In my efforts to connect with my pre-teen kids, I’ve been gathering candles far more frequently than I’d care to admit. And there are plenty of good ones for guys who need to be doodz. Spruce is almost always good. In fact, I’m going to run out and get a new spruce candle here shortly today. There are also smoky-scented candles that have stuff like leather and campfire and whiskey and whatnot that you can go with year-round. And then there’s the basic stuff like pumpkin spice that can be OK in small doses.

misdreavus79: I don’t do too well with synthetic smells, so perfume, cologne, and other artificial ways to “smell nice” are usually not good with me. In fact, some of those smells are so strong I usually get a headache.

jesse: We try not to do synthetic fragrances in the house either because (a) they’re probably bad for us, and (b) they give my wife a headache (and now me because we don’t have many). That said, we found some more natural-oil driven candles here and there and while even essential oil can be a scam, there are some nice citrus and / or vanilla scented things out there. I also really like amber and tobacco in things.

What’s the appropriate time to send out a Christmas list?

RockyMtnBlue: Well I’ve never done that, but I say “when someone asks for it.”

MNW: Mid-November at the earliest. No, Mom, I am not sending you a Christmas list the day after my early-October birthday. You have four grandkids, go occupy yourself in some other way.

WSR: I may be quite militant about my NO CHRISTMAS UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING rules in regards to music and decorations (and God knows the spawn have been doing a great guerilla warfare effort by subtly playing Christmas music on their ipads around me lately), but I would like to get the Christmas lists from people earlier than later. If retailers are going to start doing promotions in October, I’m going to make an effort to torment people into making their Christmas lists earlier and getting them to me around Halloween.

misdreavus79: Like, a list, for people to give you stuff, for christmas?

jesse: ADULTS SHOULD STOP SENDING CHRISTMAS LISTS TO OTHER ADULTS

MaximumSam: Seconded. We stop doing gifts for everyone but the kids and it made Christmas so much less stressful (and expensive).

Who’s your midpoint POTY?

RMB: Depends on how we define POTY I guess. I think the best player in the league is JT Tuimoloau. The most important (his team would be the most different without him) is JJ McCarthy. I know you all point and laugh at that but he’s backed up by a true sophmore walk-on.

MNW: It depends on the distances between the points on the segment POTY. I can’t possibly calculate a midpoint without my compass and straight edge. More information is needed to solve this question.

WSR: I mean, it could be Chase Brown. Right? Dude has Illinois (ILLINOIS!) on the verge of getting murderdeathkilled by Ohio State.

Wait, who am I kidding? It’s Jabrill Peppers.

Kind of...Chase Brown because this is the B1G and we haven’t forgotten about RBs. Shit, this is the B1G. Tory Taylor?

misdreavus79: The best player on the winner between Michigan and Ohio State.

BoilerUp89: It’s a bit early to be naming a POTY for basketball but I’ll go with Hunter Dickinson. Zed Key and TJD are obviously the early runner ups.

jesse: I kinda don’t want to say Blake Corum, but my hope is that I’m super wrong and he sucks this weekend. It’s more likely that he’s leading the Big Ten in rushing yards and rushing TDs by the end of the weekend.

MaximumSam: Marvin Harrison Jr. is the best receiver in the country, and Blake Corum is the best running back in the country. So obviously not them.