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Fall’s Tarts Week 9: College Football Won’t Make That Mistake Again

The dumbest, silliest things that happened in college football this week

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: OCT 29 Ole Miss at Texas A&M
Lane Kiffin had some choice words for TAMU players late in this one!
Photo by Ken Murray/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on...You can’t get fooled again.

-A president that was once thought to be uniquely terrible in history

Third Time’s A Charm

Brent Pry has been struggling as the coach of the Virginia Tech Hokies, but against all odds his boys were hanging tough against NC State last Thursday. Clinging to a scoreless tie near halftime, Pry decided to seize on any competitive edge he could get and began to deploy the Hazell Maneuver.

Named for legendary Purdue Boilermakers head coach Darrell Hazell, who pioneered the tactic at the end of the famous “Purdoink” game against Lovie Smith’s Illinois Fighting Illini in 2016, a True Hazell Maneuver is when you call three timeouts in a row to ice the kicker. As you may know from the name of the contest, Illinois’ subsequent game-winning field goal attempt hit the upright.

Pry called two timeouts as NC State’s kicker missed two un-counted field goal tries. However, he declined to complete the maneuver, leaving one timeout on the board. The Wolfpack kicker drilled the uninterrupted third attempt.

Brent, my boy, you have much to learn about Hazelling. Not only do you have to call all three, but you must also fold your hat brim in a nonsensical fashion.

Illinois Dabbles In Familiar Territory

The Fighting Illini opened their contest at Nebraska with a touchdown drive before things started to break down a little bit.

First, Fabrizio Pinton missed the extra point. Then, on their second drive, Big Time Tommy DeVito escaped the pocket on 3rd and 9 and had a pursuing defender beat around the corner...but stepped out three yards shy of the first down for unclear reasons.

A Nebraska field goal drive highlighted by a big gain to Chancellor Brewington, whose name I wanted an excuse to include, ensued. Illinois had to respond and quickly made their way to the Nebraska 25.

From here, DeVito scrambled for no gain and then threw to Isaiah Williams for a three-yard gain. On third and 7, the Illini ran a trick play, throwing the ball to former starting quarterback Williams on the right side several yards behind the line. He looked downfield only to see nobody running a route on his side. Then he tried to run but took a 12-yard sack instead.

Kicker Caleb Griffin, returning from an injury hiatus, lined up to kick the 51-yard field goal and snuck it through the uprights...except it didn’t count because Bret Bielema called a timeout just before the kick, effectively icing his own kicker. Griffin lined up again, but Hunter Whitenack false started. Not feeling confident about a 56-yarder, Bert elected to punt.

The Cornhuskers drove 93 yards for a go-ahead touchdown before contributing a Tart of their own.

Keep Your Head Up, Son

Nebraska’s extra point would make it a 10-6 lead over the #17 Fighting Illini. Bryce Benhart lined up in his four point stance with his head down across from Keith Randolph as part of the field goal unit. He never moved or reacted as Randolph snuck over to line up right between him and his teammate.

He stayed mostly down as Randolph just casually ran past him to block the extra point

“Huh? What was that noise?”

Get That Shit Outta Here

Iowa State had pretty high hopes for this season despite losing a veteran quarterback. They started off 3-0 after finally vanquishing Iowa but lost their next four before playing a struggling but stabilizing Oklahoma.

It did not go fantastically. The ‘Clones never led and ended up losing 27-13 while being dominated throughout. They did manage one victory though; they denied Oklahoma the satisfaction of ever again seeing the ball that was kicked through for an extra point:

That’s right, after getting a hold of it, the fans passed it up as high as they could get before throwing it out of the stadium entirely. A worthwhile display of contempt for the proceedings on the field, albeit one that could have gone more quickly with the aid of Joe Bauserman

Apparently Ole Miss Fire Extinguisher Celebration Is Just A Thing Now?

Ole Miss came dangerously close to ruining everyone’s enjoyment of the 3-5 Texas A&M Aggies, but scored enough to hold off the 75 Million Dollar Man. Their third touchdown incited the following celebration:

I did some research and this is at least the fourth time this has happened, dating back to the 2020 season. Apparently, they sometimes empty a fire extinguisher on the sidelines after scoring a touchdown.

This is an interesting choice. Breathing in the contents of a fire extinguisher is extremely bad for you and causes all kinds of breathing issues, so this is certainly...a decision that you can make...during an athletic contest...if you’re so inclined.

Yet Another Virginia Masterpiece

Virginia has been authoring quite the bizarre story this fall. They fell in Champaign 24-3 despite getting four first-half turnovers. They rallied to beat Old Dominion Monarchs by two with a last second field goal. They wasted four Syracuse turnovers by committing two themselves to go along with 12 penalties, losing by two on a late field goal. Their game against Georgia Tech was documented in this column last week.

They added to their library of noteworthy 2022 contests this past week against the Miami Hurricanes. Somehow without turning the ball over, each team mustered just two field goals in regulation. They headed to overtime tied 6-6.

They’d score two more field goals apiece to start the overtimes and headed into OT3 with a 12-12 score. In the third overtime, neither the orange and blue team nor the 1987 Fiesta Bowl participant scored. Virginia continued the drought into the fourth overtime, but Miami broke the gentlemen’s agreement and won the game, ending the tribute to last year’s Illinois-Penn State game.

Final score: 14-12, 4OT, no touchdowns.

Penn State Wastes Luck Like This

Speaking of Penn State, they went toe-to-toe with Ohio State for three quarters despite tossing two early interceptions. There were, however, signs that it was a blessed day for the Nittany Lions. Take, for instance, this sequence:

Jake Pinegar missed a 29-yard go-ahead field goal, but it was negated by a false start. He missed the ensuing 34-yard attempt, but Ohio State lined up illegally. With a chance to reconsider, Penn State went for it on 4th and 1. This conversion eventually led to the go-ahead touchdown, which would mark the high point in the game for the Nittany Loins.

He’s Got Great Burst Of Flavor

PJ Fleck’s strategy for Minnesota against Rutgers was simple: don’t get hurt by the worst offense in the East and give the ball to Mo Ibrahim a lot.

Much maintenance was needed to keep the engine of the Gopher offense going. This required specialized equipment, such as: Gushers.

Lincoln Riley Is Treated Unfairly

The USC Trojans put their one-loss record on the line against Arizona and one of the worst defenses in the country. However, Lincoln Riley’s squad needed every second they could get to hold off Jedd Fisch’s suddenly-high-scoring Wildcats, and this includes six or so seconds that they had every right to. Driving with no timeouts and the clock running, the Trojans gained a first down deep in Arizona territory with under ten seconds remaining. However, the clock never stopped, and as USC set up to spike, the official moved the ball again. This act drained the rest of the clock before halftime. Riley was furious.

It’s true; his team should have had enough time to spike the ball. It’s also true that Oklahoma should have had a head football coach last year, but life is unfair sometimes!

Let’s Make One-Way Football Happen

In the Division III ranks, the Hampden-Sydney Tigers of Farmville, VA took on the Guilford Quakers. As the grounds crew was preparing Lewis C. Everett Stadium for the occasion, a slight malfunction occurred when an errant tractor barreled into the goalpost stanchion, knocking the whole post apart like a house of cards:

This forced a one-way football game like Northwestern - Illinois in 2010. Congratulations!


Last week’s poll had the most overwhelming victory I’ve ever seen for the Weber State safety debacle. Did you know that they attempted five punts, successfully punting once?


Tart of the Week!

This poll is closed

  • 6%
    2⁄3 Hazell, 2⁄3 Victorious
    (21 votes)
  • 2%
    Illinois Plays The Classics
    (7 votes)
  • 21%
    Falling Asleep On XP Duty
    (66 votes)
  • 13%
    It Was A Stupid Football Anyway
    (41 votes)
  • 1%
    Tony Elliott Is A True Comedian
    (6 votes)
  • 4%
    Gushers > Dilly Bars
    (14 votes)
  • 6%
    Give Me My Six Seconds Back
    (20 votes)
  • 38%
    You Can’t Spell Grounds Crew Without "Ground Screw"
    (119 votes)
  • 3%
    Ole Miss Rebellion Extinguished?
    (12 votes)
306 votes total Vote Now