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Week 12: B1G Stock Report

The last one of the season.

By Dead Read
/ new
Iowa v Minnesota Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are two “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is indicative of a distinctly bearish trend on the OTE Index.

Many fanbases are displeased with their seasons. In the East, Michigan and Ohio State should have no complaints, still being eligible for the playoff. But even Penn State may be dissatisfied with a ten win season. It has been a fugly season in the West, with plenty of disappointment to go around. Whichever team ends up winning the division will be granted the poisoned chalice of facing the OSU/Michigan winner in the championship game. Yay.

Onward.

Buy

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Maryland, 43-30) Like their rival, Ohio State struggled with their opponent in the week before “The Game,” and neither of their performances are predictive of how they will play this coming week. The Buckeyes got the job done in the end. They are undefeated and a favorite to reach the CFB playoff. up: Michigan.

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Illinois, 19-17) It appears that losing an All-America running back will put a hitch in a team’s get-along. Three fourth quarter field goals and some beneficial officiating allowed the Wolverines to eke out the win. Survive and advance. This team is undefeated with a path to the CFB playoff, even though that path must go through Columbus. Next up: @Ohio State.

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Rutgers, 55-10) The Nittany Lions know how to play November football. Coach Franklin’s crew is on the glide path to a ten win regular season and a possible New Year’s Six Bowl. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Michigan State.

Hold

Maryland Terrapins

(Lost to Ohio State, 43-30 ) The Terrapin November swoon continues. Maryland is 3-9 in November under Coach Mike Locksley. Taulia Tagovailoa was impressive, as he can be intermittently, but the Terps do not have the horses to run with the Buckeyes. Maryland is bowl bound, and beating ‘Gers could improve their destination. Next up: Rutgers.

Iowa Hawkeyes

King Moonracer

(Defeated Minnesota, 13-10) The inevitable is upon us. By beating Nebraska on Black Friday, Iowa will represent the West in Indianapolis. Through a series of unfortunate events, the Hawkeyes edged Minnesota. This is, sadly, what we all deserve. The Hawkeyes getting crushed by OSU or Michigan is what they deserve. All hail the Kings of Punt Mountain. Next up: Nebraska (Black Friday).

Purdue Boilermakers

Train-square-wheels-on-caboose

(Defeated Northwestern, 17-9) I actually pity anyone who watched this game. Look, the Boilers won, and if they take care of the Hoosiers they might get to represent the West. All they need is for Nebraska to beat Iowa. So...Purdue should plan on enjoying the championship game on television. Viewing parties can be fun. Next up: @Indiana.

Wisconsin Badgers

Dolly-red-headed

(Defeated Nebraska, 15-14) In a battle of two interim coaches, Wisconsin’s Jim Leonhard relied on a simple formula — play tough defense, run the ball, and just wait for Nebraska to lose. It is an ugly approach, but effective. Congrats, or something. Next up: Minnesota.

Illinois Fighting Illini

Polka-dot-elephant

(Lost to Michigan, 19-17) Michigan still gets treated like Michigan, and Illinois still gets treated like Illinois. BERT lost a close one, but this one could have gone the other way. Some would say it should have. Take care of winning the HAT and see how everything shakes out in rivalry week. Next up: @Northwestern.

Sell

Indiana Hoosiers

(Defeated Michigan State, 39-31) The Hoosiers capitalized on some long plays and general Spartan ineptitude to somehow capture a second conference win. I did not think they had it in them. They remain horrible. Next up: Purdue.

Michigan State Spartans

(Lost to Indiana, 39-31) Sparty led 24-7 at halftime. They subsequently tripped over their genitalia and dropkicked their gonads (wide left). A Frostian special teams display resulted in a home loss to Indiana. MSU needs to beat Penn State on the road to become bowl eligible. Good luck with that. Next up: @Penn State.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

Charlie-in-the-box

(Lost to Iowa, 13-10) Mo Ibrahim ran for 263 majestic yards. Minnesota scored ten points. How is this possible? Iowa. Next up: @Wisconsin.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Lost to Penn State, 55-10) You cannot beat Penn State when you rush for 32 yards and turn the ball over three times. Next year, ‘Gers might scare some people. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: @Maryland.

Northwestern Wildcats

Squirt-gun=that-shoots_jelly

(Lost to Purdue, 17-9) No fan base will embrace the end of this season more than Northwestern’s. Sweet release is near, and the only additional cost is one metal hat. Next up: Illinois.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

Kite-afraid-of-heights

(Lost to Wisconsin, 15-14) Mickey Joseph is a class act and a fine coach, and under his watch Nebraska steadily improved as a football team. The special teams are functional, tackling is better, and the they continue to play hard. What remains from the Frost Era, however, is a confounding allergy to victory. Next up: @Iowa (Black Friday).

Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.

Poll

Who should be most embarrassed? Week 12

This poll is closed

  • 8%
    Nebraska
    (35 votes)
  • 0%
    Maryland
    (0 votes)
  • 2%
    Illinois
    (10 votes)
  • 6%
    Rutgers
    (30 votes)
  • 5%
    Northwestern
    (22 votes)
  • 49%
    Michigan State
    (216 votes)
  • 28%
    Minnesota
    (122 votes)
435 votes total Vote Now

Poll

What is most analogous to the B1G West?

This poll is closed

  • 3%
    The Sun Belt
    (15 votes)
  • 40%
    Island of Misfit Toys
    (161 votes)
  • 7%
    Penal Colony
    (29 votes)
  • 22%
    Carnival Sideshow
    (90 votes)
  • 24%
    Leper Colony
    (96 votes)
  • 1%
    Other (specify in comments)
    (6 votes)
397 votes total Vote Now

Poll

Which team had the most disappointing season?

This poll is closed

  • 3%
    Penn State
    (17 votes)
  • 0%
    Maryland
    (4 votes)
  • 26%
    Michigan State
    (124 votes)
  • 4%
    Indiana
    (20 votes)
  • 0%
    Rutgers
    (4 votes)
  • 6%
    Iowa
    (32 votes)
  • 4%
    Purdue
    (20 votes)
  • 3%
    Illinois
    (16 votes)
  • 12%
    Minnesota
    (57 votes)
  • 14%
    Wisconsin
    (70 votes)
  • 9%
    Nebraska
    (44 votes)
  • 12%
    Northwestern
    (60 votes)
468 votes total Vote Now

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