You’ve not been paying attention—and why would you have been?—but three OTE writers have recently become fathers, the two of us for the first time (and, by the time this sees the light of day, maybe we’ll have been joined by Beez).
Of course, as we all know, that comes with loads of spare time while the little potato just lies there and requires no attention or assistance from us, no sir.
What follows is a set of previews of college football bowl season, written thanks to all that extra time we currently have laying around:
Myrtle Beach Bowl
Marshall Thundering Herd (8-4) vs. UConn Huskies (6-6)
Monday, Dec. 19 | 1:30pm | ESPN | Marshall -10 | O/U 40.5
Brooks Stadium, Conway, SC
Green Akers: That Jim Mora Jr wasn’t even a Coach of the Year finalist is criminal. UConn made ONE bowl since the Fiesta Bowl at the end of Edsall’s first run, and since THAT appearance after the 2015 season, when Bob Diaco dragged them to a St Petersburg Bowl loss, this program won 3, 3, 1, 2, 0 (they just didn’t play any games in 2020!) and 1 game(s). That’s 10 wins in the previous 6 years. And they’re in a bowl in Year One!
…they also played Marshall in that 2015 St Pete’s, so here’s hoping they handle the aftermath a little better this time.
MNW: I wonder what kind of bonus Randy gets for this bowl appearance.
Remember when UConn beat Fresno State this year? MAN.
Oh my! Today we’re joined by a special guest. I won’t bother with introductions, but let’s just say he has a unique perspective to share on parenting.
Bradley Cooper Holding a Fake Baby in American Sniper: Do you know how good of an actor you have to be to pretend you’re holding a live baby when Clint Eastwood yells “action.” Pretty damn good, I tell you. Actually, Clint barely talks on set. And before you ask, yes, it was weird. But I’m a professional.
Anyway, @GreenAkers is right, where’s the love for Mora? Sure, he flamed out at UCLA, but I’ve seen tons of people not make it in LA-LA-land who had the chops to succeed elsewhere. Give the guy some love.
As for Marshall...damn man, I’m 47. When I think of Marshall, I think of Randy Moss:
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Eastern Michigan Eagles (8-4) vs. San Jose State Spartans (7-4)
Tuesday, Dec. 20 | 2:30pm | ESPN | SJSU -3.5 | O/U 54.5
Albertsons Stadium, Boise, ID
Green Akers: I honestly don’t understand why they put these games in the middle of the afternoon on weekdays. At a previous job, I had enough non-rollover PTO that there were a couple years when I worked like 6 days in December, and even then I very often didn’t remember to flip a game on even if I was interested.
And now that, having no paid leave because ‘Murica, I had to burn all my PTO to spend a couple weeks with kiddo after she was born, I’m sitting here hoping I don’t get sick, even though I’m pretty sure this kid somehow already gave me the worst cold/flu I’ve had in well over a decade.
You picking up bugs from the kid yet? Because I’ve heard many parents lament the number of pathogens the kids pass them from daycare and school, but no pointers on preventing that. Every white mom with a marketing degree has thoughts on a vaccine schedule, but nobody has actual useful advice on this?
MNW: Oh man, what’s it like having PTO? My dean, upon learning we had a scheduled C-section because the kid was breech, said “Oh, well that’ll be nice for recovery—you’ll be back on Monday?” and looked genuinely miffed when I said “No, they can watch recorded lectures for a week—I’ll be back then.” To have any paternity leave, I’d have had to not have been starting a new job. So that was cool!
Now that kiddo’s in daycare, it’s starting to make its way home. There was a little noticeable cough the first week and a half, but then it was a little stomach bug that involved her shitting 3-4 times a day—after being on the “shits once a week during breast milk” schedule—and it somehow making its way to Mom and Dad as well. Filthy little germ sac.
The reasoning for EMU-SJSU being in the middle of the day—apart from “It’s EMU-SJSU in Boise”—has to be the same idea behind the Twins and Tigers playing afternoon games to start the baseball season, right? You gonna chance it and play football at 5pm in Boise when it’s probably going to be 5 degrees and snowing?
Watching the EMUs grind against a relatively stout—grading on a Mountain West curve—Spartans defense should make this one positively snooze-worthy. I love it already.
BCHFBAS: Day, night, doesn’t matter. When you’re dedicated to your craft, you gotta be ready to perform whenever you’re asked. THAT’s the grind. It’s not all red carpets.
San Jose State Spartans, huh? Did I ever tell you I was up for the part of Leonidas in 300? They went with Gerard Butler, but I feel pretty good about how things have turned out.
Hey, you remember when the Eastern Michigan coaches wore those bowling shirts? That was pretty cool. That’s the sort of blue collar ethic I tried to bring to my role in American Sniper. But Clint’s not really down with the method acting thing, so he wouldn’t let me wear my bowling shirt on set.
Do you guys think you could call me “El Jefe” though?
Boca Raton Bowl
Sportswashing University (8-4) vs. Toledo Rockets (8-5)
Tuesday, Dec. 20 | 6:30pm | ESPN | Toledo -4.5 | O/U 53.5
FAU Stadium, Boca Raton, FL
Green Akers: Not many games out there with a definite hero and villain, but here’s hoping Jason Candle’s boys are up to the task. It’s one thing to explain something as straightforwardly crooked as Libertybiberty to a kid on the not-too-distant day when she asks why I’m furious Michigan State has chosen to schedule Furman or something, but it’s not far from there to the entire no-ethical-consumption-under-capitalism thing and. Uhhhh.
Oh look the New Orleans Bowl is next, that one’s generally pretty fun! Right?
BCHFBAS: Liberty has a football team, huh? Damn, you know what would make a great role? Jerry Falwell Jr.! I’m pretty sure I could pull that shit off. Three best actor noms, and a best supporting actor nomination, and what’s it added up to so far? Jack shit. Jen Lawrence got an Oscar acting opposite me. I directed Lady Gaga to a nomination. But no love for the Coop (I don’t really call myself that). Tales of powerful men falling are the sort of thing the academy eats up. I dunno, though, should we add a redemption arc to punch things up? Or maybe I just take Falwell in the “full Tony Montana” direction.
Anyway, go Toledo.