Two New Dads Preview the Bowl Schedule, Pt. III: Getting Drunk in Dallas-Fort Worth?

You’ve not been paying attention—and why would you have been?—but three OTE writers have recently become fathers, the two of us for the first time.

Of course, as we all know, that comes with loads of spare time while the little potato just lies there and requires no attention or assistance from us, no sir.

What follows is a set of previews of college football bowl season, written thanks to all that extra time we currently have laying around, with a bonus guest:

Bowl Games

New Orleans Bowl

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (8-5) vs. South Alabama Jaguars (10-2)

Wednesday, Dec. 21 | 8pm | ESPN | USA -8 | O/U 54.5
Caesars Superdome, New Orleans, LA

MNW: Have we ever asked why, amid the trend of dumping French fries, Frosted Flakes, and mayonnaise on coaches, the New Orleans Bowl has not adopted a tradition of soaking the coach in a Gatorade cooler full of Hurricanes?

Because that would be awesome.

I have not had an enjoyable mixed drink since the child emerged, and I’m starting to miss it. Someone bring me a yard margarita.

Green Akers: Why stop there when we could just pour a cauldron of bubbling hot gumbo on the winning coach? And then there’s a sponsorship opportunity for the first aid response too: “And as the paramedics rush to Kane Wommack’s aid, brought to you by Northrop-Grumman,,,”

Hm. Have I had alcohol since the kid was born? Oh sure, I made a batch of boozy eggnog to take to thanksgiving. Which everyone except my father in law declined to even try because nobody at the gathering wanted anything spicier than ketchup, so he and I split the whole batch.

Bradley Cooper Holding a Fake Baby in American Sniper:

Hilltoppers? That’s some good shit. Jen Lawrence is from Kentucky. You know that right? Winter’s Bone was her big breakthrough. You seen that? Damn, that’s a cold ass movie right there. John Hawkes as Teardrop? Fuck, man, that is capital A Acting. That dude is an actor’s actor.

Armed Forces Bowl

Baylor Bears (6-6) vs. Air Force Falcons (9-3)

Thursday, Dec. 22 | 6:30pm | ESPN | Baylor -6.5 | O/U 49.5
Amon G. Carter Stadium, Fort Worth, TX

MNW: Why does every goddamn stadium in the Metroplex need a bowl game?

The Cotton Bowl has one. JerryWorld gets one. Frisco Stadium—home of the Dallas Burn or whatever they are now—gets both the Frisco Bowl and the FCS Championship. This one’s at TCU’s house. The FirstResponder Lightning Strike Guaranteed Bowl is at SMU’s racial enclave. Pretty sure the D-II natty is at that opulent high school football stadium in McKinney. It’s only a matter of time before Apogee Stadium at UNT is hosting the Buc-ee’s Bowl, featuring the fifth place team from C-USA and the third-place team from the soon-to-be-FBS abortion that is the ASUN-WAC Alliance.

All I’m saying is move one to Denver or something.

Green Akers: You’d think a diversity of destinations would be appealing in that it would encourage fanbases to turn out to a place their team wouldn’t be likely to see again. Beyond cramming 10 bowls each into Orlando and metro Dallas, you then have Baylor going to a city where they play a conference game every other year, and we expect their fans to give a crap?

It’s just another reminder that these games aren’t made for the fans in the slightest; the whole setup is TV-guided. And then the broadcast turns around and starts talking about the Playoff by halftime of all these other bowls at the absolute latest anyway.

BCHFBAS: I bet those Air Force guys are pissed off that Top Gun was a Navy movie. You know, when I was researching for American Sniper I learned pretty quick that Marines don’t like to be reminded that they’re not an independent branch of the armed forces. Instead, they’re technically part of the Navy. But it’s right there in the name: Marines. As in mariner. C’mon man, just accept it. You can still be a bad ass. I mean Navy Seals are the shit, right?

Independence Bowl

Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (6-6) vs. Houston Cougars (7-5)

Friday, Dec. 23 | 2pm | ESPN | Houston -6.5 | O/U 60.5
Independence Stadium, Shreveport, LA

MNW: Like, SHREVEPORT has a bowl game! You’re telling me that you couldn’t have the Zataran’s Rice Bowl in goddamn Lafayette or something?

I don’t know how I’m going to be able to look my daughter in the eye someday and tell her that up until three months before she was born I used to fly through the city of Houston for work once a week. Lived in a roach motel and took the bus 25 miles to campus, just so I could be paid the same as an assistant manager at Kwik Trip.

That’s not far from editorializing, by the way.

Green Akers: I’m just waiting for all these interchangeable, meaningless, jingoistically-named bowl games to form a breakaway non-playoff bracket once the playoff expands. Give me a melange of 6-6 and 7-5 Big 12 and Sun Belt and C-USA teams playing in the Real America Invitational in stadia from Arlington to Southlake, all broadcast on News Nation.

BCHFBAS: Navy Seals! Beat you don’t remember that movie. Before my time, but I’ve heard some stories. Basically trying to piggy-back off Top Gun a few years later. Michael Biehn, Charlie Sheen. Bill Paxton. Joanne Whaley was the female lead. She was married to Val Kilmer for a few years...

Gasparilla Bowl

Wake Forest Demon Deacons (7-5) vs. Missouri Tigers (6-6)

Friday, Dec. 23 | 5:30pm | ESPN | Wake -2.5 | O/U 63
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, FL

Green Akers: I’ve always thought the winner of this game should be allowed to drive that pirate ship right out of the stadium and sail it back to their home city for a victory parade. No, I certainly don’t know if the Yadkin is navigable as far upstream as Winston-Salem. Oh, what, the Glazers, part of the cabal that’s trying to destroy English soccer, own the Bucs and you’re really telling me you don’t think that ship is a seaworthy escape vessel? Open your eyes.

Anyway, Sam Hartman has had a hell of a career and is opting to play one last game for Wake, and Drinkwitz’s Mizzou DUCKED KANSAS to get this matchup, so let’s see the Deacs by about 50, eh?

MNW: Imagining this as the winner just turning and piloting the Queen Mary out to sea like it’s the end of Arrested Development.

What angers me about the Gasparilla Bowl is that it’s no longer played in the Trop. Bring back the 2014 Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl!

BCHFBAS: You know, I thought I had a shot at a guest arc on Arrested Development. I had a part in Wet, Hot American Summer a couple of years prior. A small role, but still. I knew I had comic chops. I mean, Wedding Crashers, The Hangover, hello??? And look at that stacked cast for WHAS. Lotta them got some great parts after that. What did I get? My Little Eye.

Hawai’i Bowl

Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (7-5) vs. San Diego State Aztecs (7-5)

Saturday, Dec. 24 | 7pm | ESPN | SDSU -7 | O/U 49.5
Clarence T.C. Ching Athletics Complex, Honolulu, HI

Green Akers: How about Rick Stockstill livin’ the dream? Dude quiet quit this job 10 years ago and continues to cruise right along. Find a spot where you can just punch in, do what’s required, and punch out and go enjoy your hobbies and pastimes and tell me that ain’t a life. Imagine how much time he has for yard work when he’s not parked at the office 120 hours a week like these lunatic try-hard grindset coaches.

MNW: We would all be so lucky. AND dude gets a trip to Hawai’i out of it!

Next summer will be my first full year with a baby in the house, and I’m curious as to what it does to my yardwork routines, which are already minimal. I’m the stay-at-home dad next summer, I hate all non-lawn mowing yard-related activities...

BCHFBAS: Shit, I mentioned Joanne Whaley being married to Val Kilmer...Michael Biehn and Val Kilmer were both in Tombstone!!! I saw that Christmas night when I was a freshman at Villanova. Val just killed as Doc Holliday. That planted the seed in me. I transferred to Georgetown after that year. But you know what, Biehn was pretty damn good in that movie too as Johnny Ringo.

Enough time has passed, we should just remake Tombstone. Sam Elliott could do the Mitchum voiceover part at the end. I bet Kurt Russell would be okay playing the sheriff who gets killed. No way I’ll try to top Val Kilmer, but if I directed AND played Curly Bill, I bet I could get a best Director and Supporting Actor nom for the same movie. Yeah, let’s set that Falwell project to the side for the time being.

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Here’s your open thread for the week’s remaining football. Go nuts.