I got a lot of problems with you people!
And now, you’re going to hear about it.
- Pat Fitzgerald: just admit you were wrong and clean house, you putz.
- Chris Collins: please hire someone who knows how to coach an offense. It’s not this goddamn hard.
- Minnesota Vikings: just skip ahead to the part where you punch me in the dick. I’m getting bored of you.
- Minnesota Vikings: Qork Qoupons and Antivaxx Thielen, huh? That’s who it’s gonna be? At least they’ve got the white stuff.
- Anyone who wants to get rid of Ryan Field: you’re the worst.
- Evanston residents living around Ryan Field: I changed my mind. You’re the worst.
- MNWildkit: TAKE MORE THAN A 30-MINUTE NAP DURING THE DAY. I SEE YOU SQUIRMING ON THE MONITOR RIGHT NOW. YOU’VE BEEN ASLEEP 10 MINUTES. SLEEP.
- Current employer: if these high school students have never taken a single fucking course in U.S. history or government, they do not need or deserve to be enrolled in a dual credit program. That, or tell me to my face that you let them enroll because you want the sweet, sweet tuition money and I better find a way to pass them.
- Administrators everywhere: you’re pathetic yes men and deserve 1/10 of what you make.
- Future employers: I love you and that whole “administrators” thing definitely wasn’t about you, no sir.
- Chapter: Write yourself already.
- Minnesota driver: there is snow on the ground. You have done this before. Drive your fucking car. DRIVE. If you’re making a left, pull out into the intersection. If you’re in the left lane and not passing anyone, move. Or move to Florida.
- Pat Fitzgerald: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT NEW COORDINATORS
- SBNation: We’ve been doing this here for 12 years. At some point, you can acknowledge we exist and have been doing something right. Or just go 2001 Major League Baseball on us and keep threatening contraction. Whatever. Can’t wait for the next pivot to video.
- Colleague who took me out for a beer and thought he was being very clear that the search committee was not going to re-hire me for another year but never said anything to that effect: that will remain the most chickenshit thing anyone’s ever done and I hope you still feel like a dick for how you handled that.
So grab the nearest metal pole—or, here, Indiana was kind enough to provide one:
Let the airing of grievances...begin!
MNW writes in OTE writers slack channel: “Here’s an article. Contribute, you bums.”*
Me: Oh what the hell does he want now?
/sees that this is an excuse to bitch about stuff
Me: Oh hell yeah!
- Juwan Howard: No, you cannot build a team strictly from forwards. Recruit a guard or three. Just because they’re shorter than you doesn’t make them bad people.
- Warde Manuel / Jim Harbaugh: Let me get this straight. We’re losing transfers to IOWA for NIL??? Are you fucking kidding me? De-assify your heads.
- I’m not through with you, Jim: How the fuck do you have two of the best seasons in school history, and see recruiting fall off a cliff?
- Local restaurants: Stop thinking you can play the Pandemic Card to excuse your lack of staff. The Chick-fil-A down the street has about 50 people working at any given time. Pay your staff and you won’t have these problems, you cheap fucks.
- My code: If you put half as much effort into working as you do in hiding bugs from me, we’d both be a lot happier.
- College Football Cameramen: Stop being so goddamn zoom-happy. The next time I can’t see a play because you think it’s more important for me to be able to count the hairs on the quarterback’s left nut than to see the route the z-receiver is running I’M GOING TO LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE YOUR GODDAMN LIFE!
- Big Ten: You’re worse than local restaurant owners. Use a tiny smidgen of the eleventy-bajillion dollars you
stealpull in every year and pay your fucking refs.
- My big fat belly: GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU.
- My family: No, I’m not coming to a big Christmas party. I will be the only sober one there and by 8 the drama will start. By 9 there will be tears. By 10 something will be thrown. I love you all but I don’t need to see more than 4 of you at a time until you learn to act like grown-ups.
- MSU fans: Get over yourselves. Your school is inferior. Your town is inferior. With a few notable exceptions, YOU are inferior. Sit in a corner and and be quiet until I need someone to sweep a floor or something. (Note to reader: those notable exceptions I mentioned? You’re not it.)
- Notre Dame: Nothing specific, just Fuck You.
- Ohio State: You’re the 800lb gorilla of the Big Ten and you get housed by your only rival in consecutive years? Who do you think you are? Bo Schembechler? Maybe you should trying taking some of the suck out of your program. (I kid, of course. You’re doing just fine.)
* His words were nicer but I knew what he meant.
- I have no grievances about Purdue sports right now. Football, men’s basketball, women’s basketball, volleyball (basically the four sports I follow/somewhat follow) are doing quite nicely.
- College basketball camerapeople - stop experimenting with new camera angles during plays.
- College basketball play by play guys - stop interviewing people when games are in question. That’s a disservice to the players and the fans.
- Ohio State, Notre Dame, wisconsin: you know what you did. Stop it.
- The rest of my complaints about the world are too political and I know better than to talk about them here.