“-Sass” or “-Saw”? Baby Talk, Citronauts, and the Jammies-Pants Conundrum: Wednesday Bowl Game Previews, Open Thread

You’ve not been paying attention—and why would you have been?—but three OTE writers have recently become fathers, the two of us for the first time.

Of course, as we all know, that comes with loads of spare time while the little potato just lies there and requires no attention or assistance from us, no sir.

What follows is a set of previews of college football bowl season, written thanks to all that extra time we currently have laying around:

Bowl Games

Military Bowl

UCF Citronauts (9-4) vs. Duke Blue Devils (8-4)

Wednesday, Dec. 28 | 1pm | ESPN | Duke -3.5 | O/U 62.5
Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, Annapolis, MD

Green Akers: As far as I can tell, this will be one of the uncommon bowl games where both QBs are 1) good, 2) the guy who played the whole season, and 3) aren’t transferring or sitting out for the draft, so this could low-key be a game worth turning on. Sometimes things work out after all.

Last night, I was up with kiddo to give mom some sleep and when the time came to wake her up to eat (an undertaking which always leaves me feeling like the meme of applying clown makeup to one’s self), she obligingly drank half the bottle, promptly exploded the diaper without fussing or struggling, let me change her without excessive squirming, took the rest of the bottle, burped, and fell back to sleep all in about 20 minutes, and without waking mom up when I put her down.

Had any hitting-every-green-light days recently, or am I asking Frodo if he remembers the Shire while on the slopes of Mount Doom right now?

MNW: We had a few days between when Mrs. MNW went back to work (Friday the 18th) and kiddo started at daycare (Monday the 28th), because lol we weren’t paying $300+ for three days. The first of those days, she was an absolute terror.

Then next day she took a monster of a shit, looked up at me on the changing table, and smiled.

It was like the seas parted.

We did tummy time (it’s good for us dads, too), we read books, we each had a couple bottles (her the white, me the whiskey)...by the time Mom got home, Wildkit and I had our own inside jokes, multiple of which were at Mom’s expense, she was vocalizing “A-GOO” (her chosen syllables) at me, she was napping on command.

Barely any days will ever be like that, but remembering the days where it DID work...man.

I want to jam the over on Duke-Citronauts. C’mon, guys. Entertain me.

Liberty Bowl

Kansas Jayhawks (6-6) vs. Arkansas Razorbacks (6-6)

Wednesday, Dec. 28 | 4:30pm | ESPN | Ark -3 | O/U 68.5
Liberty Stadium, Memphis, TN

Green Akers: Now here’s an interesting one, as we determine once and for all whether that last S is silent or not. Kansas had a moment as a national darling before falling back to earth with a backloaded schedule, while Arkansas was arguably this year’s Extremely Overrated SEC Team Whose Downfall Nobody Mentions When Fawning Over The Conference’s Strength.

Let’s keep this professional: would you like to take this opportunity to call out, by name, any students, colleagues, or administration who fell flat, whether they earned their high expectations or not? Keep in mind we’ve been archiving all OTE content for submission to your university’s publishing outfit.

MNW: I honest to God don’t know that I’ve ever really stopped and considered that the final S in Arkansas and Kansas is pronounced differently. Like, I’m sure I’ve pronounced the former “Arkan-sass” for a chuckle, but never have I been introspective about it. Feels weird.

I would like to call out the college that brought me in for a year’s Visiting Assistant Professorship, on the second day of the in-person interview had me meet with a realtor who was the spouse of my only U.S. history colleague, that person try to sell me a house...

...and then that University not even offer me an interview for the full-time position the following spring even though my course reviews were 90th percentile or better and my college unit’s administration loved me. That university’s history department—notably not the department my appointment was in nor the one to which I would’ve been hired, but the one that made up 2/5 of the hiring committee, for some reason—can get dicked.

But I covered that in Festivus.

Holiday Bowl

#15 Oregon Ducks (9-3) vs. North Carolina Tar Heels (9-4)

Wednesday, Dec. 28 | 7pm | FOX | Oregon -14 | O/U 75
Petco Park, San Diego, CA

Green Akers: This is possibly the best QB matchup of the entire bowl season, unless we see Stroud/Duggan in the title game. Which…is good, as both teams otherwise suffer extensively from draft and transfer losses, including UNC’s ace receiver Josh Downs and Oregon LB Justin Flowe.

Also, come the fuck on, another bowl game in a baseball stadium? Why don’t we just move the Quick Lane over to Comerica Park? No wonder the Chargers left.

MNW: O/U of 75. It’s beautiful.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the Pizza Pizza Bowl almost get moved across town to Comerica right before the Lions took it over and made it the Lube Bowl? I really want Detroit to have DUELING BOWL GAMES now: give me one at Comerica (isn’t center field big enough? or is that old Tiger Stadium?), one at Ford Field. Hell, put ‘em at the same time.

What intrigues me about this one are the patterns both teams could wear. Will Oregon put on the highlighters, or will they opt for chrome-and-pink? Will UNC go with the classic blues, or will we see black? What about argyle across the chest?

It makes me think I’m not dressing the kid up in enough weird stuff. How are you guys on onesies? Is the wife a “shirt and pants” kind of dress-up gal, or does she let the Mad Lass stay comfy in the sleeper PJs?

We honestly don’t dress Wildkit in a single shirt-pants combo unless it’s a photo op. All jammies, all the time. I don’t have time to put faux jeans back on the kid after a blowout—I’ve got bowl games to get back to.

Texas Bowl

Texas Tech Red Raiders (7-5) vs. Ole Miss Rebels (8-4)

Wednesday, Dec. 28 | 8pm | ESPN | Miss -4 | O/U 71
NRG Stadium, Houston, TX

Green Akers: Make up any fact about Texas Tech this year and I’d probably believe you. Oh, they fired their coach? Sounds right. Patrick Mahomes’ obnoxious brother is their starting left tackle? Why not. Anyway, another O/U at 70 or above will hint to you that you’re likely to see plenty of points scored here.

MNW: This year Texas Tech lost to Incarnate Word, 55-52, and beat Oklahoma, 17-14.

Did we ever get a good denouement on Lane Kiffin vs. the reporter? I feel like we were cheated there.

Anywho two programs with fun offenses and chips on their shoulders; let’s get at it.

I say that, of course, realizing that I’m either turning into a fraud or getting old—last night I had gone to a happy hour with a friend, gotten home about 6pm to tuck the kid in, and had dinner with the wife. We watched the first half of Glass Onion, then she announced at 8:45 that she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and was going to bed.

I think “Oh great! I am tired of following this plot, and wisconsin-Oklahoma State should be simple enough!” It was about 9:20. I think I saw Chase Wolf throw a hilariously bad interception in the end zone.

The wife then kicked me awake on the couch at 11:15 to inform me the child was crying and was I going to do anything about it?

So this is my life now.