You’ve not been paying attention—and why would you have been?—but three OTE writers have recently become fathers, the two of us for the first time (and, by the time this sees the light of day, we’ll have possibly been joined by Beez).
Of course, as we all know, that comes with loads of spare time while the little potato just lies there and requires no attention or assistance from us, no sir.
What follows is a set of previews of college football bowl season, written thanks to all that extra time we currently have laying around:
Syracuse Orange (7-5) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers (8-4)
Thursday, Dec. 29 | 1pm | ESPN | Minn -10 | O/U 42
Yankee Stadium, Bronx, NY
Green Akers: The Big Ten tends to perform very well in this bowl, probably because playing outdoors on a field without heating coils in New York in late December favors whichever team has players that have greater momentum once in motion.
So this honestly sets up perfectly for Minnesota, who has successfully plagiarized Wisconsin’s formula for success of throwing a bunch of chonky players like curling stones (albeit without actually winning anything). Perhaps some drama in whether Tanner Morgan will be able to make it out there for a well-deserved curtain call and give us another one of those signature 11/18, sub-200 yard performances he’s so enthralled us with over the years.
MNW: I personally love the idea of a man in middle age getting to play in a bowl game; it’s what makes Austin Aune’s career at North Texas so compelling. Best wishes to Tanner in the Lakeville YMCA Men’s Under-40 Basketball League (Silver Division) next fall. Too bad you won’t get to match up with WSR in the paint—he’s moving on to the Silver Sneakers league.
One area I have felt we’ve fallen short as parents is getting the kid out in the snow. Not because she needs it, but because I love the damn snow. Let’s put her in five snowsuits and sit her in a snowback. The pictures will be ADORABLE, goddamnit. I demand it.
tanner morgan time
This poll is closed
gets a swan song as the gophers roll
maybe an appearance, but gophers in a tight one
uh how do you think syracuse won this game?
Oklahoma Sooners (6-6) vs. #13 Florida State Seminoles (9-3)
Thursday, Dec. 29 | 4:30pm | ESPN | FSU -9.5 | O/U 66
Camping World Stadium, Orlando, FL
MNW: This is one of those games, like last night when the wife came home at 5pm spitting fire—because she had a hellish day at work but insisted on picking up Wildkit from daycare and so didn’t get home for an extra 20 minutes—that I ask “OK, anything you need from me?” then get ignored the rest of the night.
This game is the Baby Shark and shitty synth-pop Wheels on the Bus of bowl games: you’re just going to hear “Boomer Sooner” and the “We’re Not Racist Chant” over and over. Make like I’ve done with the words, “Elon”, “Musk”, and “@elonmusk” on Twitter: mute, block, avoid.
Any songs or shows you’re terrified of the Mad Lass getting hooked on?
Green Akers: I hear terrible things — t e r r i b l e things — about Caillou, and I’m also considering a complete and total embargo on Paw Patrol. As for this game, no better time to roll out the broadcast-free stadium sounds feed.
MNW: row the boat doo doo doo-doo doo-doo row the boat doo doo doo-doo doo-doo row the boat doo doo doo-doo doo-doo row the boat
you have to listen to one on loop the rest of your life. which is it?
This poll is closed
racist "war chant"
#20 Texas Longhorns (8-4) vs. #12 Washington Huskies (10-2)
Thursday, Dec. 29 | 8pm | ESPN | Texas -3 | O/U 67.5
Alamodome, San Antonio, TX
MNW: The beauty of the UW husky mascot reminds me that we’re not sure if or when we’d ever get a dog. How are the pups handling the Mad Lass?
Cat’s been indifferent here, much like me during Texas-Washington. I’ll give it a couple sniffs, meow for attention, and then show it my asshole and walk away.
Green Akers: The dogs are VERY interested in the baby, and plainly do not have any faith at all in our ability to keep the tiny, mostly-hairless puppy safe and alive. Any noise, whether of distress or not, summons them both for a round of wellness sniffing.
Artoo roasted me for about a month straight after Washington trash-canned Michigan State early this season, so this is the rare instance when I pull for the major brand in a bowl game. Smug, fluffy little asshole.
MNW: I like the “my dog was an asshole to me once, so I’m rooting against dogs” model, except—
/cat glares at me from across the room
...whatever, I’m likely to be happier rooting against Northwestern these days, anyway.
e i e i o
This poll is closed
woof woof here
moo moo there