You’ve not been paying attention—and why would you have been?—but three OTE writers have recently become fathers, the two of us for the first time.
Of course, as we all know, that comes with loads of spare time while the little potato just lies there and requires no attention or assistance from us, no sir.
What follows is a set of previews of college football bowl season, written thanks to all that extra time we currently have laying around:
#5 Alabama Crimson Tide (10-2) vs. #9 Kansas State (10-3)
Saturday, Dec. 31 | 11am | ESPN | Ala -6.5 | O/U 56
Caesars Superdome, New Orleans, LA
Green Akers: Saban found a way to get Bryce Young, Ryan Anderson and Jahmyr Gibbs to play in this game; even with a ton of transfers from the receiver and O-line rooms, Bama has the star power here. The benefit of doing more with less like K-State does is that nobody has much to risk in terms of draft stock, and they might even get Adrian Martinez back to poke Nebraska fans in the eye one last time by beating Bama in a NY6 game on his way out.
Wildkit have any particular tendencies to stick it to you, aside from the Classic Baby Move of bombing out a diaper you just changed?
MNW: She actually hasn’t been awful about blowouts or peeing five minutes later or anything of the like—adorably, though, on her second or third visit to the pediatrician, right as we were diapering her back up, she peed all over the doctor’s table. Just soaked that flimsy paper straight through. Looked like in the commercials before the Bounty paper towels come out.
There’s a part of me that wonders whether the rank-and-file of Nebraska—not the good people we have here, but Dave from Red Cloud calling in to 106.2 THE CORNCRIB: HUSKER SPORTS TALK ALL DAY LONG—will look at Adrian Martinez, look at the last decade, and even just accept that it ain’t coming back.
Anywho, with all the opt-outs you’ve just listed for the past few games, this is downright stunning. And also means I’ll watch 10 more minutes of it than I’d planned.
This poll is closed
Music City Bowl
Iowa Hawkeyes (7-5) vs. Kentucky Wildcats (7-5)
Saturday, Dec. 31 | 11am | ABC | Iowa -2.5 | O/U 31
Nissan Stadium, Nashville, TN
Green Akers: We come to it at last. The great battle of our time. As noted elsewhere, we have Kentucky sans Will Levis, Chris Rodriguez, and their fired offensive coordinator, vs Iowa’s QB3, minus probably their two best wide receivers, and their not-fired offensive coordinator. These teams could play two games and not hit that over.
When MSU made its playoff appearance, I threw a combined New Year’s and bowl game party, and because of how the game went, by the mid third quarter I was chugging my Ghettoblaster and ended up vomiting in a trash can. My point is, many Iowa fans are going to handle themselves similarly because of a downgraded bowl rematch against the SEC program most like themselves, so. Whether child-related or not, relate a time when you let your emotions get the best of you for what your wife later confirmed to be unworthy reasons.
MNW: Now this is it. Thiiiiiiiis is it.
I have never been wrong in my life, and I will raise my child to believe such as well. Fuck it. This is America in 2022/23, I don’t have to listen to a goddamn thing anyone else says.
You hear that, kid? That’s what your dad, as a man, will be able to get away with. So no matter how many notes I have to sign acknowledging that there was “an incident” on the playground, you just keep kicking the nuts off every boy you see. We are the absolute worst.
This poll is closed
#3 TCU Horned Frogs (12-1) vs. #2 Michigan Wolverines (13-0)
Friday, Dec. 31 | 3pm | ESPN | Mich -7.5 | O/U 58.5
State Farm Stadium, Glendale, AZ
Green Akers: Michigan will be putting a lot on Donovan Edwards’ shoulders in this game, and probably hoping he doesn’t suffer any antisemitic social media glitches with the spotlight on him, but it honestly doesn’t really matter if they win - their reward will be to get run over by a bigger, better version of themselves.
Looking forward to the Youth Sports Industrial Complex, where no matter how far you travel and how much money you dole out, there’s always a slightly better program that you simply must get your kid into that costs just a liiiittle bit more and is a liiiiittle bit further away?
MNW: We have already set limits—that will surely be broken by age 8—on what sports our daughter can and cannot play: hockey and gymnastics are absolutely on the no-no list, as is dance (though that’s not a sport).
Unless my kid is hitting a two-handed backhand inside-out for profit at age 11, I’m not wasting my time with that. Be physically active—and then go off to choir or theater or band or quiz bowl, I don’t care—have fun with your friends, play a sport you like.
Again, just as long as it’s not hockey. Or gymnastics.
why is this happening to me
This poll is closed
#4 Ohio State Buckeyes (11-1) vs. #1 Georgia Bulldogs (13-0)
Friday, Dec. 31 | 7pm | ESPN | UGA -6.5 | O/U 62
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, GA
Green Akers: Of all the sanitized NFL stadia that college football has sold its soul to in its playoff game placement, Mercedes-Benz at least has the benefit of ownership that sees an advantage in one little thing to make its attendees happy - pricing their food so that you can eat and drink at a game without wanting to drag Arthur Blank to the guillotine. That no one else has followed suit is a very NFL Thing to do but shouldn’t be surprising.
What’s the one little quality of life thing that kiddo could grant you but simply chooses not to?
MNW: Man, we’re fighting a lot of gassy days as I write this, so better digestion would be that, though apparently that’s not “easy” or something. Whatever.
In terms of quality of life, I just want her to take a good, solid 2-hour nap. She does not like napping at home and, I think, really enjoys sneezing herself awake 20 minutes in to a reaaaaaally good snooze right as I’m sitting down to finally take a shit.
let this be over please
This poll is closed