Malort and Maybe A Motor City Bowl Trip? - Northwestern Pot Luck #4

We did it. We have finally survived the slog that is Northwestern week. Hopefully MNW takes my suggestion of covering the Wildcats over Memorial Day weekend next year seriously, because that would be the perfect amount of time to spend on Chicago’s B1G Team.

Food: As we look towards the future and away from Northwestern football, we must accept that things will change and evolve. Sometimes things change for the better, and sometimes people make changes to Malort. Like…Malort Ice Cream. Malort Beer. Malort-infused candy.

What the hell is wrong with you, Chicago?

1. What the hell is wrong with Chicago?
2. Is there anything that can be done to change malort to make it tolerable to you?
3. What would you do to a local favorite to help it evolve for the future?

Green Akers

1. Got to be some kind of psychosis stemming from the Cubs World Series drought, but it’s just an incomprehensible coping mechanism. Malort’s the kind of thing you make in a gulag toilet, but now that you aren’t in a gulag, why would you keep drinking it? Why do you do this to yourselves???
2. Pour it down the nearest drain, but preferably one that enters a closed sewage system so it can be properly treated instead of killing all the fish.
3. Faygo should probably get into the liqueur game. Rock n Rye simple syrup? I’d pay quite a bit for that.

misdreavus79

1. Can y’all tell I’m not from the midwest yet? No, I have never had Malöt, so no, I have no idea how to improve it.
2. Also I don’t know what’s wrong with Chicago. Seemed like a lovely city every time I’ve visited. (Yes, I know I answered these out of order).
3. If we could make clam chowder not taste like vomit, I think that would be great!

BRT

1. I think Chicago’s problem is that there’s an inferiority complex that comes from an entire existence of not being in first place. The dreams of the 1870s were big–perhaps they could overtake New York!—but they never quite managed to achieve that. It’s kind of the “Mediocre White Man” of cities– there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but in its deep-seated knowledge that it’s not the best, sometimes it acts out in unappealing ways.
2. I’ve actually never had Malort. Since it’s the punchline to 95% of LPW’s jokes, I feel like I’ve gotten the essential gist of it without actually consuming it.
3. Central Nebraska is the birthplace of Kool-Aid. Yes–there is a reason that Husker fans are perennially optimistic in spite of no real reason to be so! It’s literally our state soft drink. I don’t know that I actually want Kool-Aid to evolve, personally. It is what it is, and it’s kind of beautiful in its sameness and old-school nature. Maybe my suggestion is that it ought to seize on the current wave of 90s nostalgia to see if it can reach a new market. (I think this is possible, my college students legitimately love pouch drinks like Kool-Aid Jammers or Capri Sun more than they love pop at various gatherings.) If nothing else, I’d love to see a return to the zaniness of 90s Kool-Aid commercials–like a fever dream!

HWAHSQB: I haven’t lived in Chicagoland in a couple of decades, but I’m guessing traffic congestion and air quality are still what’s wrong. I’d also say that as a young man, I had a problem with the last train going out of the city leaving at 11PM on weekends was wrong and I ended up sleeping in the train station more than a few times. No, you can’t fix a drink that tastes like liquid Band-aids. The local favorite in central Iowa is Casey’s pizza. It’s perfectly mediocre as is and that’s about all you can ask for from gas station pizza, so I’ll leave it be.

Buffkomodo

1. I blame Chicago and it’s suckiness on a broad spectrum including but most notably I believe whole heartedly that Chicago’s biggest problem is location. Northeast Illinois? Its fucking windy. It’s fucking colder than it should be. It’s miserable there unless it’s between the months of May and September. And parking is awful.
2. Anytime a local tells you about a local specialty drink, then giggles as they pour it for you…don’t drink it.
3. We should take Chicago and push it somewhere else.

LPW

1. There’s nothing wrong with my hometown, there’s something wrong with you if you don’t love all things Malört! I didn’t know Malört beer existed, but I will get some in due time.
2. Malört is perfect the way it is.
3. I don’t see a need to update anything here.

Thumpasaurus

1. Nothing. You actually have trains & shit
2. Make it available in Metro Detroit
3. I’m already singing as loudly as I possibly can for Detroit City FC. What more do you want?

MNW

1. A city that considers Old Style to be acceptable beer and Wrigley Field to be a legitimate stadium is deeply, deeply disturbed.
2. You know what makes Malört good? When you pour it into a glass and drink it. Or when you put your lips to the bottle and chug it right outta there. Shut the fuck up and drink it. Malört: tonight’s the night you fight your dad.
3. I want a lutefisk-flavored liqueur.

WSR

1. I think the problem is that they’ve somehow burned up their taste buds. Or maybe there was some sort of tragic injury that was caused by a White Sox fan. Either way, Chicago needs some serious help. I don’t think a cow and a lantern will be enough, but I’m willing to play the hits.
2. Have we considered mixing Malort with Riga Black Balsam? I’m pretty sure neither of them could get much worse.
3. Ok, other than Grain Belt Freezees, I think we should take the Juicy Lucy and evolve the best side dish that goes along with them: stuffed tater tots. Call me, Blue Door. I have ideas.

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Football:

• August 27: vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers (Dublin, Ireland)
• September 10: vs. Duke Blue Devils
• September 17: vs. Southern Illinois Salukis
• September 24: vs. Miami Hydroxide Redhawks
• October 1: at Penn State Nittany Lions
• October 8: vs. Wisconsin Badgers
• October 22: at Maryland Terrapins
• October 29: at Iowa Hawkeyes
• November 5: vs. Ohio State Buckeyes
• November 12: at Minnesota Gophers
• November 19: at Purdue Boilermakers
• November 26: vs. Illinois Fighting Illini

Do it.

1. Give me a prediction for Northwestern.
2. Duke? Again? Seriously? Do people never learn their lessons? What school does your team keep scheduling over and over again in spite of questionable results?

Green Akers: 1) Probably something like 7-5 that Fitz will use a smug proof that there’s no need to change anything. I’m not into the game by game predictions, mostly because in a month I’ll forget I pegged Northwestern to beat Purdue and pencil in the Boilermakers to win that game too, and now I’m somehow predicting every team in the league wins 9 games.

2) I go back and forth on whether MSU should ever play Notre Dame again, not so much because of the results - MSU historically does ok against them - but because if they don’t view as as important enough to keep on the schedule every year given the length and significance of the series, well then they can get bent. I’m fine with playing Directional Michigans a lot, and the AD is doing good work to get us one great noncon matchup a year. No complaints.

BoilerUp89: 1) 10-2. It’s an even year.

2) I don’t know why Purdue keeps scheduling wisconsin every year. Seems like a mistake.

misdreavus79:

1. Let’s do the same exercise we did with Indiana. They are:
2. Definitely losing to Penn State and Ohio State,
3. Probably losing to Minnesota, Purdue, Iowa, and Wisconsin,
4. Probably beating Illinois, Miami OH, and Duke,
5. Definitely beating Southern Illinois.
6. That leaves you with Nebraska and Maryland as the wildcards.

Nebraska blew the doors off them last season at home, but they’re now playing in as neutral a site as it gets, and it’s the first game of the season. And Maryland, as always, could themselves blow the doors off anyone or throw five interceptions in a quarter.

What’s most interesting is the fact that there are only two games I’d say they’re definitely losing today, but only one game I would confidently pick as a win. That is an immense amount of variance, and makes it abundantly clear why Northwestern has been doing this odd year/even year seesaw thing they do.

So let’s, like Indiana, split in the middle and say they beat two of Purdue/Minnesota/Iowa/Wisconsin, two of Illinois/Miami OH/Duke, Southern Illinois, and one of Maryland/Nebraska to go 6-6. 5-7 or 4-8 is not out of the realm of possibility either.

1. Well the “Big Ten team my team has a bad record against” joke was taken, so now I’m left with nothing. Also Penn State doesn’t schedule P5 opponents with enough regularity for it to matter. I think in the 20 years between 2007 and 2027 they’ve scheduled Syracuse the most, With two home and home series and a neutral site game. But Penn State has won three of those five meetings, with two of them, or course, being in the future.

BRT: 5-7. I can’t ever be fussed to nail down predictions for all the teams, so don’t test my math. It just feels right for Northwestern.

As for Nebraska, they do seem to do poorly against most Big Ten teams, but I suppose there’s no help for that. I guess I’d say any FCS team–nothing about it ever feels good. If it’s close, that’s scary; if it’s a blowout, it feels cruel. I’d also nominate Oklahoma. I know the Olds love it, but it’s just not a good look for us at the present moment (although yes, last season was surprisingly not humiliating.) For real though–why do we get OSU every season? This makes no sense to me, and obviously, it’s not a great thing for the Huskers.

HWAHSQB: 5-7 seems about right. Illinois is rekindling the rivalry game with Missouri in a few years That is fun when you win, but our record is Not Very Much - A Lot so it isn’t much fun. Unlike iowa and Northwestern, we aren’t contractually obligated to take a yearly ass-whooping from them, so I’m not sure why we are signing up for it again. Maybe it’s like the old joke about the hunter and the polar bear.

Buffkomodo: I mean, I think Indiana sucks too, but Jesus how’d you all just jump to 5 to 7 wins? That’s MNW’s job. I’m gonna go with 3, maybe 4 wins tops. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that of those 3 wins, Miami Hydroxide will not be one of them.

Like…seriously…this team lost to Illinois 47-14 last year. Today, the only win I’d feel comfortable staking a claim on is Southern Illinois. They also lost their best player to transfer.

As long as Indiana stays away from trying to play with MACtion, I’m fine. The last few have not gone well and they haven’t played them in a while so let’s hope we’ve learned our lesson.

LPW: We’re gonna have some lean years. I think 4-8 is realistic. Pass the Malört…. Ugh…

MNW: I cannot overstate how much I hate the Duke game. It means nothing to anyone, Duke doesn’t care about football, AND we lose! All jokes about Northwestern football fans aside, there are 10-15K fans every week who, like, GIVE a shit. You cannot say that for Duke football.

Future series with Tulane and Rice are good ideas: play academically similar schools, but ones that are G5. Same principle, more likely a win. Want to play P5? Look forward to Colorado. Bring back the Cal series – those were fun, dumb games. Bring back the Stanford series – we need someone to look down on us.

This is all my way of avoiding thinking about Northwestern’s 2022 schedule. I’ve talked myself into 2-10 (0-9), with another year for Jim O’Neil, but that’s a little fatalistic. Let’s say 4-8 (2-7), but I’m not optimistic we’ll beat Illinois. I just refuse to respect Maryland.

Thumpasaurus: It’s not so much who we schedule as it is when we decide to have homecoming. Specifically, homecoming is scheduled for the week we play Wisconsin. Why do we continue to do this? Last year we didn’t score. That’s fun. We played Wisconsin for homecoming in 2014, 2015, 2017, 2019 and 2021. I’m really sick and goddamn tired of the school that invented homecoming continuing to not understand how to schedule a homecoming game.

Anyway, Nern is not going to get the steady hand of a four year starter or a rock solid B1G backup like in 2018 and 2020, so this will not be a year they manifest a bunch of wins out of nowhere. There’s a hard ceiling at 6 wins and even that may be difficult to achieve since they’ll lose to Duke. The season-ending HAT game could harken back to the vomit-inducing affairs of the late 70’s between those two schools, as Illinois’ anemic offense is sure to get even worse this year. I just don’t see how the Nerncats can transform all their games into hideous strugglefucks like they’ve done in their more successful seasons. I’m saying 4-8 with two non-conference wins and victories against Maryland and, for some reason, Iowa.

WSR: 4-8, but they regain HAT. Losing to Duke is going to be embarrassing, but at least they’ll have the win over Nebraska to comfort them.

I think this advice is one that should not only be turned into a banner and hung in the University of Minnesota athletic department, but in every single AD office across the B1G: Stop fucking scheduling the Dakotas. Nothing good comes from it. They’ve got a chip on their shoulders because they couldn’t qualify for B1G schools, and they’ve spent the whole year getting ready for you. Do not schedule a school from the Dakotas.