I know what you are thinking. Why is a Purdue writer putting out the Minnesota hate piece? Shouldn’t that be the responsibility of a fan of their 5 conference rivals? Or someone who hated them so much they left the in-state tuition rate behind to go to a private school instead? The answer is yes, but apparently Minnesota is so terrible that none of our wisconsin, Iowa, Nebraska, Michigan, Penn State writers or MinnesotaWildcat can even be bothered to put together a simple hate piece. But as I wrote way back in Week 1 of OTE’s previews for last place Indiana, we all need to #HateEachOther so I’ll step up and do the honors.
For those Iowa fans here who are just here for the photos, I’ve put in plenty of photos of gophers and the Minnesota mascot for your viewing pleasure.
Now, I could list all the reasons that Minnesota sucks and call it a day. They are directly responsible for injuring Robbie Hummel and as a Purdue fan I will never forgive them for that. PJ Fleck is a modern retelling of the snake oil salesmen of the 1800s. And starting in 2004 they lost every single year to wisconsin in football until 2018. How terrible of a football program do you have to be to do that?
But instead of talking about why Minnesota sucks, I’ll go ahead and confess. I walked into this week picking Minnesota to win the West division before getting slaughtered in the B1G championship game. After a full week of preview articles and discussion, I have been fully convinced that Minnesota is so awful that not only will they not win the West division - they won’t even win a game. Here’s how it will happen:
Game 1 - New Mexico State Aggies Thursday Sept 1 - 8PM
Like all good MAC schools, Minnesota is playing a Thursday game this year. I’m not really sure why since MACtion is chaos and the Gophers shouldn’t want chaos in this one, but the powers that be at Minnesota apparently decided their best path for national visibility was playing checks notes the Aggies from Las Cruces at the exact same time that Purdue hosts a blackout against Penn State. Just brilliant marketing strategy there.
None of that though has to do with why New Mexico State will pull off the upset. After years of carefully avoiding the passing game, PJ Fleck has rehired Kirk Ciarrocca to be the offensive coordinator and inject a passing attack back into their game plan. Unfortunately for Kirk and his QB, after years of carefully avoiding the passing game Minnesota has just one qualified WR and New Mexico State will triple team him and watch Tanner Morgan overthrow the other helpless receivers all game.
Up 24-21 with just 3 minutes to go and the Aggies out of timeouts, Ciarrocca will call a passing play on 4th and inches in an attempt to outsmart the defense despite having ran for a healthy 8 yards/carry (on just 14 carries). Morgan will be picked off for the third time this game and the Aggies will return this one to the house to take the lead. After a missed extra point, the Gophers will have a field goal attempt to send the game to overtime. Unfortunately walk-on kicker Garry Andursonn’s kick will miss wide to the left.
Even more unfortunately for Gophers football, college football fans nation wide will have turned to their game in the 2nd quarter after Purdue took a commanding 56-0 lead over Penn State.
Game 2 - Western Illinois Leathernecks Sept 10 - 11 AM
The Leathernecks hail from the FCS ranks of Division 1 football but don’t let that fool you. This is a school that is imminently capable of beating Big Ten teams as they showed when they beat the Cornhuskers in basketball last season.
Excited about playing in front of more than 25000 fans for the first time in their careers, the Leathernecks will play inspired ball. Despite being unable to slow down the Gophers rushing attack, untimely Gopher penalties and a fumble will keep Western Illinois in the game late despite the Gophers scoring on 7 of their 8 possessions. WIU will take the lead with just 5 seconds to go as both of the Gophers’ safeties collide with each other trying to defend a pass. Minnesota falls to 0-2 with 25-28 loss.
Game 3 - Colorado Buffaloes Sept 17 - 230 PM
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Seeking revenge for last year’s embarrassment and with an offense now led by former Gophers OC Mike Sanford Jr., the Buffaloes will be able to muster just over 100 yards of offense in this game. Injuries to Morgan, Autman-Bell, and Ibrahim in the 1st and 2nd quarters hamstring the Gophers attack which is dealt a further blow in the early minutes of the 3rd quarter when backup QB Cole Kramer gets ejected for targeting following an interception.
This incredibly sloppy offensive disaster will still be scoreless headed into overtime, but Colorado will manage to make their field goal attempt while Minnesota will fumble the snap on 2nd down, losing the ball and the game. The final score matches Minnesota’s record: 0-3.
Game 4 - AT Michigan State Athenians Sept 24
At this point in the season, Minnesota’s season is hanging by a thread but remembering Northwestern teams of recent past they know they still have time to turn things around. Although Ibrahim and Autman-Bell make it back for this game, the lack of a QB means Minnesota can’t keep up with Sparty. 13-31
Game 5 - Purdue Boilermakers Oct 1 (Homecoming) - 11 AM
Early calls to fire the coordinators have started on OffTackleEmpire. PJ Fleck gets desperate and hires a group of rain dancers to slow down the Boilermaker offense which is averaging 578 passing yards and 69 points a game, but only managing 78 total rushing yards on the year.
Unfortunately for Fleck, the group of rain dancers go missing. Rumors that Purdue Pete was seen in the area run rampant, but no photos or video evidence is found. A late offensive pass interference call takes a Purdue touchdown off the board and they have to settle for a field goal but ultimately that really doesn’t matter at that point. Purdue rolls, Gophers support AOC’s Heisman campaign, and Minnesota falls to 0-5 by a score of 0-80.
Game 6 - AT Illinois Alma Otters Oct 15 - 11 AM
This is it. After a bye week, Illinois offers Minnesota what looks to be their last really good chance at a victory in 2022 as the Illini have really struggled to date. Things look good early as Tanner Morgan has returned and the Gophers jump out to a 17-0 lead by halftime. But poor special teams play and turnovers result in a furious Illini comeback in the 2nd half. Gophers lose again. This time by a score of 20-21. DC Joe Rossi is fired.
Game 7 - AT Penn State Mountain Lions Oct 22 - 630 PM
At this point in the season, players are starting to talk about PJ Fleck and how terrible Minnesota is in the media. Morgan comments on his recruitment and how he made a huge mistake: “I had never been anywhere in Minnesota or close, really. Kentucky is better than this place.” Fleck has completely lost the locker room.
The Nittany Kittens take no mercy on the souls of the Gophers and win the world’s shittiest trophy. Minnesota loses 10-34. Rumors that Ciarrocca will be fired begin to circulate twitter.
Game 8 - Rutgers Red Soldiers Oct 29
Rutgers sits at an outstanding 7-0 and looks to be the favorite in the East at this point in the season. Despite this, PJ Fleck gives a rousing pregame speech filled with catch phrases. A video recording of the speech leaked after the game will show that he uses the phrase “Row the Boat” a total of 42 times in 9 minutes and “Ski-U-Mah” 17 times. At no point does he talk about football.
Gophers put up a fight but fall 24 to 30.
Game 9 - AT Nebraska Farmers Nov 5
Although Nebraska looked promising at the start of the year, they sit at just 4-4 heading into the chair matchup. Degenerate gamblers start placing bets on which head coach will be fired after this game as Scott Frost and PJ Fleck sit at the 1 and 2 spots on OTE’s infamous hot seat rankings.
While Nebraska does everything in their power to throw the game, they fail to make more mistakes that Minnesota. Gophers fall to 0-9 with a 44-45 loss.
Game 10 - Northwestern Panthers Nov 12
Northwestern somehow is still in the race for the B1G West as Purdue lost to wisconsin back in October and Northwestern doesn’t play Purdue until the following week. Even year magic continues to be bullshit. At this point in the season, the Gophers players have given up. Autman-Bell and Ibrahim announce they will be forgoing the remainder of the season to prep for the draft and sports writing hacks actually applaud them instead of talking about how things were better back in their day.
At one point in the game, the entire offensive line gets knocked off their feet immediately after the snap and RB Trey Potts is faced with 5 angry defenders. The resulting tackle reminds viewers Jadeveon Clowney’s tackle against Michigan in the Outback Bowl. Gophers are ready for the season to be over as they lose 7-55.
Game 11 - Iowa “Pittsburgh” Steelers Nov 19
In this week’s lead up to the game, it leaks that PJ Fleck will be fired at the end of the season. Emperor Kirk also announces that he will be retiring from the day to day responsibilities of ruling and allowing his heir Brian to take over head coaching duties at the end of the season.
Seeking to show his players that he has their back - who are actively ignoring him and calling their own plays at this point - Fleck challenges what was obviously a correct call late in the 4th quarter down 0-11 (three FGs and a safety). In response, Kirk will call all three of his timeouts with the ball and 1 second on the clock. Asked why he did this after the game, Kirk states: “We are taking Floyd and leaving the timeouts. Figured those timeouts might help Philip with his unemployment.”
Game 12 - AT wisconsin skunks Nov 26
In front of a bunch of drunk, cheese obsessed fans, PJ Fleck’s Minnesota tenure comes to an end. A hysteric Fleck has to be taken off the field by security after the game as he has chained himself to the goalpost after the AD told him earlier that week he would be fired the minute he was off the field following the game.
So there you have it. The completely plausible, practical, totally realistic case for Minnesota to go 0-12 in 2022.
Will Minnesota go 0-12 in 2022?
This poll is closed
Minnesota is a terrible place and of course they are going 0-12
I’m a Hawkeye fan and I liked the pictures