B1G 2022 // We all hate Iowa

Wait a second... why is BoilerUp89 writing a third hate piece this year? Could it be that his cold heart is just filled to the brim with hate and we should ignore him?

Well, first of all I’m a robot. We don’t have hearts. Secondly, that makes me the most non-biased “writer” on all of OTE and you should always listen to me. If anyone had listened to my prediction that Michigan would beat Ohio State last year and placed a bet the size of their life savings and their mortgage on the game, they would have won lots of money. Same goes for picking Kansas to win the basketball tournament. Thirdly, and this is very important so pay attention, it is crucial to our society that we #HateEachOther. And finally, the reason that a Purdue fan is writing this hate piece is that the hatred between Purdue and the Iowa Hawkeyes dates back generations. It predates the creation of either university, either state, and even the European “discovery” of America by the Vikings in the 11th century. Don’t @ me proud Italian Americans. You know as well as I do that anything currently named after Christopher Columbus is terrible.

The war between Purdue and Iowa is a war for the soul of humanity. Hard working farmers, scientists, and the leaders of humanity versus hunter-gatherers, the illiterate, and the legends told around the tribal campfires. Jim Delany understood this and that man only made three mistakes in his lifetime^[1].

_{[1] Those mistakes are named Nebraska, Rutgers, and Maryland.}

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Other Witnesses:

Kind of... and brt:

Need we say more? Next witness.

misdreavus79: You know exactly what I’m going to add to that piece.

For the record, I don’t. And with the general attitude of malaise that has swept across OTE during Iowa week, I will take it upon myself to further examine the crimes of Iowa in my closing arguments. Yes, yes legalish mumble jumbo. I’m not supposed to introduce new evidence in the closing arguments. That’s in the court system of the United States. This is the court system of OTE.

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Closing Argument by the Prosecutor to the Jury

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. We have heard from excellent witnesses on the crimes of Iowa. But we have barely scratched the true surface of their depraved behavior. Let’s examine further issues with Iowa. I’ll avoid any personal attacks about the Iowan people and won’t mention their lack of personal hygiene.

• Iowa has the responsibility of screening presidential candidates with the first voting every four years and they do a terrible job every four years. Regardless of which political party you follow, we can all agree that something called a caucass is a terrible system of choosing the leaders of our government.
• Because Iowa takes this “special” place in American politics and all our politicians want to be president someday, we have massive corn and ethanol subsidies. The glut of corn production has resulted in the over usage of corn starch, corn syrup and other corn fattening products that cause diabetes, obesity, and heart disease. To make matters worse, ethanol is a plague on the environment and takes worthwhile research dollars away from actual clean energy projects. Not only is Iowa making the American population far unhealthier, but they are also a leading cause of CO2 emissions by distracting the government away from actual climate change prevention.

• While I’m talking about Iowa and their outsized influence on politics - why in the hell do we allow the same people that want to elect an 89 year old senator (for the record that would make him 95 years old at the end of his term) the ability to narrow the presidential primary fields? I have nothing against old people, but if Iowans have searched far and wide across their state for a qualified candidate and that’s the best they can do, then maybe Iowa is just a terrible state.
• Speaking of old timey people, Emperor Kirk has been coaching at Iowa for almost the entire history of college football. I know Northwestern fans will agree with me on that. Kirk is cranky, avoids talking about the offense, and the reports of his racism and nepotism have never really been fully debunked. Sure, he promised to form a player committee to ensure equality but then he dissolved it before a year had gone by. And nobody can look at failson Brian and say he deserves to be an offensive coordinator let alone heir to the Iowa Empire.

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• While Kirk is busy devising elaborate punting schemes, the other major Iowa coach is busy threatening the lives of refs and having a stroke while coaching his sons’ rec league games. That’s right, I’m talking about Frantrums. All of us have seen toxic little league or youth basketball coaches but Fran takes home the award for angriest person coaching his sons. Take a note from the rest of us, Fran: your kids’ basketball games aren’t that important. Yeah, you have fancy uniforms and spent way too much money on traveling for youth basketball but it’s not like your kids are playing in the Sweet Sixteen here. Take a chill pill and relax man.
• Gary Barta

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• Iowa has a blatant disrespect to the forward pass that shall not be tolerated.
• By trash talking with Nebraska fans, Iowa has made Nebraska feel like they are an equal member of the Big Ten.
• 6-4

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• Stealing the steelers uniforms. Just because you robbed criminals, doesn’t mean that your actions are legal.
• Harboring the war criminals Bruce Pearl and Steve Alford.

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Iowa has no engineering program. They have no agricultural program. In short, they have no ways to develop tools or feed themselves but must leech off of the productive members of society.

When Purdue fans chant “I-U sucks” after every kickoff this season they aren’t talking about Indiana University. They are attempting to educate the general public about Iowa University^[2]. Indiana University is a place for the less fortunate citizens of Indiana to attend when they don’t get into Purdue. That isn’t really worth hating. Indiana University even turns some of those misfits into functioning members of society by making them doctors that can treat the illnesses and injuries of Purdue University alumni. Iowa University also has doctors but they are sick individuals that force cancer kids to watch punting exhibitions. Kids want to see touchdowns, not punts you monsters.

[2] Yes, I know Iowa University claims to be the University of Iowa. But last I checked Iowa State was the university of Iowa. And Illinois already claimed the U of I moniker. So, as far as I’m concerned Iowa is stuck sharing IU with the Hoosiers.

As the enemies of all progress and war criminals that they are, this tribunal must judge Iowa guilty of being Iowa. Their punishment should be swift and painful and include not only facing the top teams of the East division but also traveling to the top passing offense of their own division as they have shown no ability to prepare for that game at all. I plead with the informed members of OTE to join other enlightened organizations in America in punishing them. If the NFL, MLB, NHL, and NBA all refuse to have teams in their state - MLB even refuses to allow Iowans the ability to watch any games - they must know that Iowa is not to be trusted.

Verdict

Oh, the Big Ten offices have already declared Iowa guilty. Carry on then.

So, this probably doesn’t need to be said as OTE is full of enlightened, reasonable readers. The best readers. But apparently there are idiots out there who believe everything they read on the internet or see on TV and then decide that they should go to war with their enemies. One of them may stumble upon this site and not comprehend. And since my hometown of Cincinnati recently saw one of these morons try to go to war with the FBI, I will explicitly state that the war with Iowa is a war of ideas not violence. Do NOT go out and commit violent crimes. Yes, Iowa is awful. But the answer is never violence. If you want to change Iowa, then show the people of Iowa that your lives are better than theirs and continue to beat them in football by passing for 500 yards every year. Then maybe they will see the light and begin to change. And if not, you can still beat them in football and laugh at their inability to make the Sweet 16.