Iowa Hawkeyes Tractor Pull and Cocktail Party Preview // B1G 2022

The more things change in Iowa City...

By MNWildcat Aug 8, 2022, 3:38pm CDT

Did You Know? It is Iowa Hawkeyes Week.

Crack a Busch Light, scream for a while at people who didn’t ask about the supposed superiority of a large piece of meat, and contemplate the life decisions that mean you couldn’t escape to Minneapolis or Chicago.

What Happened Last Year?

Record: Beat bad teams, proven fraud against good teams, probably played a bowl game.

Iowa Fan Retort: BUT BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP GA—

Northwestern’s lost the Big Ten Championship twice, too. Congrats—you’ve now caught up to Pat Fitzgerald, who at least had the decency to score a touchdown both times he went.

NCAA Football: Big Ten Football Championship-Iowa vs Michigan

BUT WE BEAT NEBRAS—

So did everyone except Northwestern.

BUT WE BEAT IOWA STA—

For not caring about either of those teams, you bring them up a lot. Like, a lot.

2022 Season Preview

The Coaches

Elected by 98% of Voters in the Most Recent Referendum, Which International Observers Deemed “Highly Corrupt”:

Noted Failson and Offensive Coordinator:

The Only One Actually Worth a Goddamn at This Point:

Let’s take you through how this season will go, vis a vis Iowans’ relationship to Kirk Ferentz:

Game 1-3: Gosh, Kirk is frustrating, but we beat Iowa State which we DEFINITELY didn’t care about doing.
Game 4: Uh, hey, probably need to do things differently if we’re going to win in the Big Ten, Kirk.
Game 5: THIS IS ALL BRIAN’S FAULT, FIRE BRIAN, I’VE BEEN SAYING IT ALL ALONG!
Games 6-11: Lose 1-2 additional Big Ten games, calls to fire Brian and extend Kirk intensify
Game 12: Probably beat Nebraska, a game they also do not care about and how DARE you, please fire Brian and maybe Kirk
Offseason: Ennui sets in, nothing changes

The Offense

This is probably the Iowa quarterback.

He has expressed some “serious concerns” about how “messed up” our politics are and will express that deep frustration by overthrowing receivers as his coaches put a certain receiver in the doghouse. Time will tell what that transgression will be.

Iowa will run the ball and throw to tight ends. Get used to learning how many corn dogs Sam Laporta ate at a county fair or whatever qualifies for red-hot Iowa Hawkeyes off-season gossip.

The Defense

You cannot name a single player on the Iowa defense. Don’t waste your time, just accept they’ll probably be good because Phil Parker is the one guy on staff who’s good at his job.

Just Tell Us About the Punter

Here he is, just strutting around the Iowa practice facility. Tory Taylor doesn’t even practice punting anymore. Doesn’t need to.

The Schedule

September: Don’t leave Iowa, claim you’ve “got things to do”
October: y’know it’s unfair the big ten makes us go places
November: a stupid loss, probably
December: prepare for “duke’s mayo on pork tenderloin” content

Other Things to Know

Probably some wrestling stuff.

Caitlin Clark is really really really good but the whole “not playing defense” thing, program-wide, men’s and women’s, means there’s no point betting on Iowa to make a Sweet Sixteen any time soon.

Gary Barta.