So a rather large event happened last Thursday:

Meet MNWildkit. She’s 20.5 inches and 7 pounds of spitfire who sharts so loudly it wakes up her mother in the next room and then, when I sing “Go U Northwestern” softly to get her to sleep, opens her big eyes and looks right into mine and almost makes me regret telling a bunch of internet strangers she took a 4-second shart that dyed an entire diaper green.

That’s her spirit animal, Pat Fitz-bearald, watching over her.

I don’t know that I ever intended for this to happen—my militant commitment to her Northwestern fandom, that is. Until her mother came home from a baby shower.

You see, Mrs. MNW is actually a Filthy Stinking Badger by grad school, though her entire family is also from western wisconsin. It had been fun and games—I briefly deleted a wisconsin onesie off our Amazon registry (we each got to add one school clothing item), though one of her friends tipped her off—until she went to that family’s shower.

Then she came home with two badger outfits and a Green Bay Packers shirt and football.

And I snapped.

I spent more on a newborn onesie and shipping from the Northwestern school store than I did on either of my Homefield shirts for Northwestern. I went on eBay and found the 3-6 mo. jersey that you see on Pat Fitz-bearald. I have a toddler t-shirt. There is a fair chance that, by the time this article goes to press on Thursday afternoon, I will have bought multiple more articles of Northwestern-related clothing.

I did not know this about myself. While I realize I play a militant and cantankerous Northwestern Wildcats fan on this here Big Ten football blog, these are the kinds of differences that make my marriage fun: she likes to run, I would rather jump off a bridge. She is Lutheran, I’m Catholic. She’s a Packer, I’m a Viking.

But that she is a badger and I, a Wildcat? That turned out to be a bridge too far.

So this kid donned a purple onesie with Willie the Wildcat—this one, for what it’s worth—and rested on my legs as Northwestern and Nebraska committed another war crime on the Emerald Isle. My mother and my wife each reprimanded me multiple times for calling Pat Fitzgerald “a fucking moron,” saying “Oh great, this dumb shit again,” and frequently looking down and apologizing to my daughter for what I’d done to her. Despite Ryan Hilinski’s historic day at the office, Pat Fitzgerald called toss sweeps on third and ten. My blood pressure rose. At one point she cried. I can’t blame her; I’d have cried, too. Most of the time she slept. I can’t blame her; last year I’d have slept, too.

And then, by some miracle, the ‘Cats turned it around. This beautiful child, who the county and state somehow allow to be in my care, will grow up a Northwestern fan come hell or high water. She was two days old when the Northwestern and Nebraska kicked off in Ireland, and already I’d set her up for a lifetime of heartbreak.

Can I, ethically, expect her to watch football games with Dad? To come to Evanston in the fall? To shake her toy keys at her badger mother when she walks through the room?

Probably not, and yet I’ll try anyway. Ethics be damned; this is college football.

Welcome to the world, MNWildkit. I love you so much.

And that’s why I’m so sorry.

Thursday

Don’t Watch This

St. Francis (PA) Red Flash at Akron Zips [5pm, ESPN3]
Central Michigan Chippewa at #12 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-20.5, O/U 59) [6pm, FS1]
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Tennessee Volunteers (-34.5) [6pm, SECN]
South Carolina State Bulldogs at UCF Knights [6pm, ESPN+]
Bryant Bulldogs at FIU Sunblazers [6pm, ESPN3]
Long Island Sharks at Toledo Rockets [6pm, ESPN3]
VMI Keydets at #22 Wake Forest [6:30pm, ACCN]
Eastern Illinois Panthers at Northern Illinois Huskies [7pm, ESPN+]
Alabama A&M Bulldogs at UAB Blazers [7pm, CBSSN]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at Missouri Tigers (-19.5, O/U 59) [7pm, ESPNU]
New Mexico State Aggies at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-36.5, O/U 54.5) [8pm, BTN]
Northern Arizona Lumberjacks at Arizona State Sun Devils [9pm, Pac-12]
Cal Poly Mustangs at Fresno State Bulldogs [9:30pm, FS1]
Portland State Vikings at San Jose State Spartans [9:30pm, MWN]

{WSOC} Minnesota vs. Drake [1pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Michigan St. vs. Dartmouth [4pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Duke vs. Michigan [4pm, ACCN]
{WSOC} Notre Dame vs. wisconsin [6pm, ACCNX]
{WSOC} Michigan vs. Iowa St. [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Maryland vs. Georgetown [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Michigan St. vs. Western Michigan [6:30pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Iowa vs. Pacific [7pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Illinois vs. Texas A&M [7pm, BTN+]
{Liga MX} Atletico San Luis vs. Xolos [7pm, TUDN]
{WSOC} Nebraska vs. Portland [7:05pm, BTN+]
{Copa Sud} Atletico Goianiense vs. Sao Paulo [7:30pm, beIN]
{WSOC} Stanford vs. Penn St. [9pm, Pac-12]
{Liga MX} Queretaro vs. Puebla [9:05pm, TUDN]

Watch That

West Virginia Mountaineers at Pittsburgh Panthers

6pm | ESPN | Pitt -7.5 | O/U 51

Penn State Nittany Lions at Purdue Boilermakers

7pm | FOX | PSU -3.5 | O/U 54.5

It’s worth noting I do indulge most of my wife’s other wisconsin-related passions—she told me last Monday that she wanted her first beer postpartum to be a Moon Man (thanks for the notice, dear; the C-section was planned for Thursday and you were off Wednesday), so on Tuesday I made a border run. Hopefully by the time this article drops on Thursday, we’ll be able to settle in on the couch with the baby in the SnuggleMe and BACKYARD BRAWL on the TV. I think it’s moments like those that makes our marriage work.

If you do decide you want, as I do, to watch Portland State-San Jose State—I love me some Brent Brennan, and former Hawai’i QB Chevan Cordeiro is there—the Mountain West Network appears to finally have its shit together, with its standalone streaming service on AppleTV, firetv, and Roku. I have already downloaded it. It works fine.

Friday

Don’t Watch This

Western Michigan Broncos at #15 Michigan State Spartans (-22, O/U 54) [6pm, ESPN]
Eastern Kentucky Colonels at Eastern Michigan Eagles [6pm, ESPN3]
Bill & Mary Tribe at Charlotte 49ers [6pm, ESPN3]
Virginia Tech Hokies (-8.5, O/U 50) at Old Dominion Monarchs [6pm, ESPNU]
Temple Owls at Duke Blue Devils (-7, O/U 52) [6:30pm, ACCN]
Tennessee Tech Golden Iggles at Kansas Jayhawks [7pm, Big XII]

{CFL} Ottawa REDBLACKS vs. Montreal Alouettes [6:30pm, ESPN+]

{MSOC} Rutgers vs. Princeton [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Penn St. vs. West Virginia [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Maryland vs. Denver [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Northwestern vs. Loyola [7pm, BTN+]
{USL} New Mexico United vs. El Paso Lokomotiv [8pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Illinois Fighting Illini at Indiana Hoosiers

7pm | FS1 | Indiana -3 | O/U 47.5

TCU Horned Frogs at Colorado Buffaloes

9pm | ESPN | TCU -11 | O/U 55.5

Not to be outdone by Jim Harbaugh...ladies and gentlemen, Sonny Dykes:

Colorado isn’t good and the Horned Frogs should be just fine, but if this goes sideways, I will just be so goddamn happy.

Illinois answered a number of questions for me on Saturday; namely, “Can you be competent for four quarters?” I would peg Indiana at a Wyoming+ kind of level. I don’t expect that one to be relevant late, but it would be very BERT to zig when I think he’s gonna zag.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Sam Houston State Bearkats at #6 Texas A&M Aggies [11am, SECN]
Colorado State Rams at #8 Michigan Wolverines (-27.5, O/U 58.5) [11am, ABC]
Central Connecticut Blue Devils at UConn Huskies [11am, local TV only]
#2 South Dakota State Jackrabbits at Iowa Hawkeyes [11am, FS1]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Boston College Eagles (-7, O/U 48) [11am, ACCN]
Buffalo Bulls at Maryland Terrapins (-23, O/U 63.5) [11am, BTN]
Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens at Navy Midshipmen [11am, CBSSN]
Richmond Spiders at Virginia Cavaliers [11:30am, ESPN3]

{EPL} Aston Villa vs. Manchester City [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Real Sociedad vs. Atletico Madrid [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} Eintracht Frankfurt vs. RB Leipzig [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} Twente vs. PSV [11:45am, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Olympique Lyonnais vs. Angers SCO [12pm, beIN]
{Friendly} USWNT vs. Nigeria [12pm, FOX]

Watch That

#13 NC State Wolfpack at East Carolina Pirates

11am | ESPN | NCSU -11 | O/U 55

North Carolina Tar Heels at Appalachian State Mountaineers

11am | ESPNU | EVEN | O/U 56

#21 Northern Iowa Panthers at Air Force Falcons

12pm | TheMW

HOOOOOOBOY is there some crap this morning. But thanks to the state of North Carolina (?!?!?!?), we’ve got some amazing potential for P5 teams going on the road, in-state, and losing to feisty G5 clubs.

In the other slot, I could’ve just as easily gone with Rutgers-Boston College over Northern Iowa-Air Force, but for very different reasons: I think the Panthers, who don’t have the size disadvantage against Air Force they do against most FBS teams due to #serviceacademylife, have targeted this game. They only allowed 87.1 ypg on the ground last year, boast a pair of All-Valley defenders at linebacker and safety, and have a really good kicker.

That, or watch Rutgers and Boston College slap up against each other like two drunks at a Jersey Shore or Southie bar. Either way, it’ll getcha drunk.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Southeast Missouri State Redhawks at Iowa State Cyclones [1pm, Big XII]
Bowling Green Falcons at UCLA Bruins (-24, O/U 57.5) [1:30pm, Pac-12]
#11 Oregon Ducks at #3 Georgia Bulldogs (-17.5, O/U 52) [2:30pm, ABC]
UTEP Miners at #9 Oklahoma Sooners (-31.5, O/U 57) [2:30pm, FOX]
Bethune-Cookman Wildcats at #16 Miami Hurricanes [2:30pm, ACCN]
Arizona Wildcats at San Diego State Aztecs (-6, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
North Dakota Fighting Hawks at Nebraska Cornhuskers [2:30pm, BTN]
Norfolk State Spartans at Marshall Thundering Herd [2:30pm, ESPN3]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-4.5, O/U 44.5) at Wyoming Cowboys [2:30pm, FS1]
Troy Trojans at #21 Ole Miss (-21.5, O/U 58) [3pm, SECN]
#25 BYU Cougars at South Florida Brahman Bulls [3pm, ESPNU]
UC Davis Aggies at California Golden Bears [3pm, Pac-12+]
Nicholls Colonels at South Alabama Jaguars [4pm, ESPN3]

{Super Lig} Fenerbahce vs. Kayserispor [1:45pm, beIN]
{La Liga} Sevilla vs. Barcelona [2pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Nantes vs. PSG [2pm, beIN]
{Eredivisie} Go Ahead Eagles vs. Feyenoord [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Minnesota United vs. FC Dallas [2:30pm, TUDN]
{CPL} Pacific vs. York United [4pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{MLS} Columbus Crew vs. Chicago Fire [4:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#23 Cincinnati Bearcats at #19 Arkansas Razorbacks

2:30pm | ESPN | Arkansas -6 | O/U 51.5

#24 Houston Cougars at UTSA Roadrunners

2:30pm | CBSSN | UH -4 | O/U 61.5

Texas State Bobcats at Nevada Wolf Pack

4:30pm | TheMW | Nevada -3.5 | O/U 53.5

I dunno that I really should recommend Texas State at Nevada—it should a close-ish game between two silly teams, which is this blog’s oeuvre—but this felt good to watch:

Exact my revenge, Roadrunners. MEEP MEEP.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Rice Owls at #14 USC Trojans (-34.5, O/U 63.5) [5pm, Pac-12]
Morgan State Bears at Georgia Southern Eagles [5pm, ESPN3]
Florida Atlantic Owls (-3.5, O/U 49.5) at Ohio Bobcats [5pm, ESPN+]
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at James Madison Dukes (-6, O/U 57) [5pm, ESPN+]
Albany Great Danes at #10 Baylor Bears [6pm, Big XII]
Illinois State Redbirds at #18 Wisconsin Badgers [6pm, FS1]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at #20 Kentucky Wildcats (-17, O/U 52) [6pm, SECN+]
South Dakota Coyotes at Kansas State Wildcats [6pm, Big XII]
A Team (-3.5, O/U 50.5) at Southern Miss Golden Eagles [6pm, ESPN+]
UMass Minutemen at Tulane Green Wave (-29, O/U 60) [6pm, ESPN+]
Mercer Bears at Auburn Tigers [6pm, SECN+]
Elon Phoenix at Vanderbilt Commodores [6pm, SECN+]
Southeast Louisiana Lions at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns [6pm, ESPN+]
Grambling Tigers at Arkansas State Red Wolves [6pm, ESPN3]
Utah State Aggies at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-41, O/U 62.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
#5 Notre Dame Fighting Irish at #2 Ohio State Buckeyes (-17.5, O/U 58.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
Georgia State Panthers at South Carolina Gamecocks (-12, O/U 57) [6:30pm, SECN+]
Colgate Raiders at Stanford Cardinal [7pm, Pac-12+]
Murray State Racers at Texas Tech Red Raiders [7pm, Big XII]
UL Monroe Warhawks at Texas Longhorns (-37.5, O/U 66.5) [7pm, LHN]
Louisville Cardinals (-4, O/U 58) at Syracuse Orange [7pm, ACCN]
Maine Black Bears at New Mexico Lobos [7pm, MWN]

{Liga MX} Pachuca vs. Santos Laguna [5:05pm, TUDN]
{MLS} New York Red Bulls vs. Philadelphia Union [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Miami FC vs. Birmingham Legion [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Charleston Battery vs. New York Red Bulls II [6pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Cincinnati vs. Charlotte [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Atlanta United II vs. FC Tulsa [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Tampa Bay Rowdies vs. Las Vegas Lights [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Detroit City FC vs. Indy Eleven [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Rayados vs. Mazatlan [7:05pm, ESPN Deportes]
{Liga MX} Atlas vs. Pumas [7:05pm, TUDN]
{MLS} Nashville SC vs. Austin FC [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#7 Utah Utes at Florida Gators

6pm | ESPN | Utah -3 | O/U 51

Army Black Knights at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers

6pm | ESPN+ | Coastal -2.5 | O/U 55.5

Memphis Tigers at Mississippi State Bulldogs

6:30pm | ESPNU | CLANGA -15 | O/U 56

SMU Mustangs at North Texas Mean Green

6:30pm | CBSSN | SMU -10.5 | O/U 70.5

THE SAFEWAY BOWL! As always, remind yourself of what’s at stake:

The match-up has geographic relevance, as North Texas and SMU are the largest public and private universities in the DFW area respectively. As bitter cross-Metroplex rivals, the two teams have met 41 times in total.

Its name is derived from a challenge from former UNT head coach Matt Simon, who after a two year break in the series, stated “I’d like to play because I think we could beat them, and my players feel the same way. If they’d like to play on a Safeway parking lot ... just give us a date and time.”

Former SMU OC Rhett Lashlee is now in charge of the Cocaine Ponies, following Sonny Dykes’ aforementioned departure across town for TCU. Let your mind sink softly into this easy chair of a factoid about Rhett Lashlee’s life:

Lashlee is married to his wife, Lauren Lashlee (née Lee)

As for the others:

• Mississippi State-Memphis is a rivalry that feels like it should be a thing. The Tigers have rivalries with Ole Miss and Southern Miss, just not the Bulldogs; stylistically, while Ryan Silverfield—who Wikipedia REALLY wants me to know went 1-9 (0-4) at Savannah’s Memorial Day HS—isn’t exactly Mike Norvell or Mike Leach, for that matter, these two teams should hit an over unless there’s a monsoon or something. They should play for this shirt:

• Army-Coastal Carolina is everything lovers of the triple option could want—the old meeting the new. I cannot wait for this one.
• The loser of Utah-Florida has to sit on Urban Meyer’s lap.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Idaho Vandals at Washington State Cougars [8:30pm, Pac-12]

{USL} Colorado Springs Switchbacks vs. Phoenix Rising [8pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Monterey Bay vs. San Diego Loyal [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Orange County SC vs. Memphis 901 [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Oakland Roots vs. San Antonio [9pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Boise State Broncos at Oregon State Beavers

9:30pm | ESPN | OSU -3 | O/U 57

Kent State Golden Flashes at Washington Huskies

9:30pm | FS1 | UW -21.5 | O/U 59.5

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10:59pm | Team1Sports | WKU -16 | O/U 66.5

ALL HAIL THE BATTLE OF THE PALOUSE! Moscow, ID, and Pullman, WA, are only 8 miles apart, as we all know, and their respective teams played one of the beautifully dumb games of history, the Displaced Bowl of 1970, hosted in Spokane because both schools’ wooden stadiums were likely burned down by an arsonist in a five-month span.

Here’s another fun fact: Pat Fitzgerald is 1-0 all-time as a coach in the Battle of the Palouse. I am making a note now to ask him about it if we ever talk.

Less fun: the basketball version of this rivalry has gone on hiatus for 2022-23 because the Pac-12 won’t let Wazzu play Idaho. What a stupid conference. Now I’m glad the Big Ten is contributing to its death.

Even less fun: PAUL PETRINO IS SOMEHOW STILL THE COACH AT IDAHO. That’s notable, at least to me, because this is that guy’s record:

Wikipedia

If college football had promotion and relegation, Paul Petrino—who has already distinguished himself by becoming the first coach since 1995 to get himself relegated from the modern-day FBS, a feat only matched by Pacific because they disbanded their program—would’ve done the double-drop by now. There cannot possibly be a reason he is still in Moscow.

And yet, if he puts a scare in Wazzu on Saturday, I’ll call the whole thing a wash.

For what it’s worth, Western Kentucky Fan Reading This Blog: if you have $750 laying around, you could hop a 5:30am American flight out of Nashville on Saturday morning, land in Honolulu (via DFW) at 12:32pm HST, tailgate for 3ish hours outside T.H. Ching Stadium ahead of the 4:30 HST kick, have a couple cocktails after the game, and be back at the airport for a 7:30am flight home (via LAX) that lands in Nashville at 10:39pm on Sunday. You wouldn’t even miss work on Monday.

Also Happening

Sunday

Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Saskatchewan Roughriders

5pm | ESPN+ | Winnipeg -3.5 | O/U 44.5

Florida State Seminoles at LSU Tigers

6:30pm | ABC | LSU -3 | O/U 51.5

Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, LA

There’s only one other thing from the hospital that I felt really strongly about that I think you all need to know.

Diet Colas, Ranked:

9. Pepsi
8. Zevia
7. Pepsi Zero Sugar
6. RC
5. Coke from anywhere that’s not McDonalds
4. Coke Zero
3. Tab
2. McDonald’s Diet Coke
1. Shasta

Monday

Toronto Argonauts at Hamilton Tiger-Cats

12pm | ESPN+ | HAM -1.5 | O/U 50.5

Edmonton Elks at Calgary Stampeders

3:30pm | ESPN+ | CGY -11.5 | O/U 48.5

#4 Clemson Tigers at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

7pm | ESPN | Total, Line TBD

That Big Stadium in Atlanta, GA

Happy Labor Day, everyone. Support your local union.

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