Closing Arguments: Minnesota Golden Gophers

I. Case History & Opening Statement

Twice in the past 3 seasons, Minnesota has finished tied for 1st or 2nd in the West and had no one to blame for the lack of trips to Indianapolis but themselves. Pissing themselves against inferior opponents 4 times in 2 seasons in conference play is getting rather old, especially when Iowa is involved twice. But on the less negative side, the program is absolutely on the right path. Competing for the division title, beating wisconsin, finishing ranked in the top 10, and sending guys to the NFL are all things that haven’t happened in a very long time, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop this season.

No one is in better position to take advantage of the B1G West being medicore-to-shit than us. Iowa had a terrible offense last year and decided to rectify that by promoting Baby Doc Duvalier Ferentz to OC. wisconsin begged Caleb Williams to come be slightly less worthless in their trash offense than Graham Mertz had been, but failed because why would any QB worth a damn want to play in that offense? Purdue is decent, but yet to prove themselves along the lines. Illinois is a work in progress. And Nebraska is just a sad, pathetic joke. Everything is once again lined up for Minnesota to be in position to win the West. Let’s see if we puke on ourselves yet again.

II. Discovery

Minnesota 2022 Preview

Minnesota 2022 Offense

Minnesota 2022 Defense

Minnesota 2022 Totally Realistic Path to 12-0

Minnesota 2022 Potluck 1

Minnesota 2022 Potluck 2

Minnesota 2022 Potluck 3

Minnesota 2022 Potluck 4

Minnesota 2022 Podcast

Minnesota 2022 “Hate”

III. Schedule of Events

That’s as friendly of a schedule as you’re going to see in the West. Penn State and Michigan State aren’t walks in the park, but they’re both unproven right now. Other than Iowa, nobody else is intimidating to Minnesota under Fleck.

IV. Emotional Plea

It’s now or never. This is the last year of divisions. The last year of Scott Frost dragging Nebraska to the depths of college football previously reserved for Northwestern under Denny Green. One last chance for Fleck and the Gophers to get to Indianapolis over the drunken overrated carcass of wisconsin and the boring predictability of Iowa. The Gophers have experienced and talented leaders all across the skill positions on offense in Mo Ibrahim, Tanner Morgan, and Chris Autman-Bell, a preseason All-American anchoring the OL in John Michael Schmitz, and returning starters littered across the defense. Joe Rossi and Kirk Ciarrocca are back running their sides of the ball. Everything is in place, it’s just a matter of taking care of business and not pissing ourselves yet again.

Just do your damn job.

V. Verdict

Eh, whatever.