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Week 2: B1G Stock Report

Asstastic Beyond Compare - A Weekend for the Ages

Georgia Southern v Nebraska
He went down doing what he loved —wearing a hoodie.
Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are six “Buys” and five “Sells.” The increase in the number of “Sells” is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index. Hope springs for one week, it seems.

I have never seen such a concentration of contemptible football in my life. So many teams, particularly from the West, played lousy football this week. Iowa churned out all of 150 yards of offense. Nebraska lost so embarrassingly to a Sun Belt team that the AD decided to eat $7.5 million just to get the coach out of his sight. Northwestern, even year mojo notwithstanding, managed to lose to Duke at home, in football...again. The Palouse haunted the conference, with Washington State upsetting the Badgers at home, and Idaho giving Indiana all that it could handle. This was a weekend of infamous football, and all who watched it will be scarred for the remainder of their days.

Que bono? Minnesota, Purdue and Illinois. Truly, this is one of the dumbest timelines.

May God have mercy on our souls.



Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Arkansas State, 45-12) This is about what I expected. Stroud and Harrison put up video game level numbers, and the Red Wolves got paid. The Buckeyes continue to stockpile talent and win big...sunrise, sunset. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Toledo.

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Ohio, 46-10) At no point did I even consider changing the channel to this game. The Bobcats are the Fightin’ Frankies no more, and Penn State knocked the rust off last week. Franklin’s crew got the running game going a little bit, and no fewer than 17(!) Nittany Lions caught a pass in this game. MACrifice consummated. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Auburn.

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Hawai’i, 56-10) Last week I asked you to pray for the Rainbows. Evidently some of you did not pray hard enough. This coming weekend will be another mauling. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: UConn.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Defeated Western Illinois, 62-10) I will not even pretend to have watched this game. The score looks like it should, so that will have to suffice. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Colorado.

Michigan State Spartans

(Defeated Akron, 52-0) This was a textbook whupping. Sparty more than doubled the offensive output of its opponent and forced four turnovers. There is still plenty of room for improvement, but this puts MSU in “Buy” territory. MACrifice consummated. (First-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Washington.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Defeated Wagner, 66-7) The Scarlet Knights generated 575 yards of offense and won by 59 points. Their opponent, Wagner, will play the Columbia Lions in October - and I anticipate Columbia will win. Rutgers used to trip and faceplant over low bars, now they jauntily skip over them. Progress. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Temple.


Maryland Terrapins

(Defeated Charlotte, 56-21) Maryland has vastly better skilled players than Charlotte, and they exploited that advantage to great effect. The Terps were 7/9 in third down conversions, and Lia had a great stat line. Maryland continues to look good in September. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: SMU.

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Defeated Virginia, 24-3) Chase Brown continues to impress, logging another 146 rushing yards. The Illinois defense held Virginia to 222 yards and three total points. The most impressive stat? The Cavaliers were 0/16 on third down conversions. Take care of business against the Mocs and we will think about a move up to “Buy.” (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (Chattanooga, 9/22).

Purdue Boilermakers

(Defeated Indiana State, 56-0) Purdue got well at the expense of the Indiana State Sycamores this weekend. They pitched a shutout, held ISU to 145 yards and seven first downs. This was a good bounce back game after the tough loss to Penn State in the opener. The Boilermakers handled this situation like good teams do. Still a “Hold” until the results are in from Syracuse. (First-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Syracuse.


Wisconsin Badgers

(Lost to Washington State, 17-14) This does not appear to be a vintage Badger squad. Wiscy netted a total of 174 rushing yards against Washington State. Bucky committed 11 penalties for 106 yards. They also turned the ball over thrice. Next up: New Mexico State.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Lost to Duke, 31-23) That win over Nebraska does not look so impressive right now, does it? N’ern spotted the Blue Devils three touchdowns, and was unable to complete a frantic comeback. Evan Hull was impressive - 278 scrimmage yards - even though he fumbled away a chance to tie at the goal line. The Wildcat defense was a sieve, allowing 6.3 yards per carry. Next up: Southern Illinois.

Indiana Hoosiers

(Defeated Idaho, 35-22) The Hoosiers, a squad so bad that they may earn honorary membership in the West, eventually put away the mighty Vandals of Moscow. But, it was far from effortless. I cannot overstate how bad Idaho is, yet Indiana strained every sinew to win by 13 points. There may be one or two wins left on the schedule, but I have no idea who they are... now that Scott Frost is gone. Next up: Western Kentucky.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Lost to Iowa State, 10-7) I ignored a bunch of blowouts so that I could watch this. El Assico was everything I expected, and that should be interpreted as an insult. The Hawkeye offense, an affront to human endeavor, could not complete a 20 yard scoring drive handed to them on a platter by the defense and special teams. It was finally over when a last second field goal sailed wide. Thank goodness. Overtime would have been more than I could stand, and I am a Nebraska fan. Next up: Nevada.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Lost to Georgia Southern, 45-42) The embarrassment that ended an era. Like Rutgers, Nebraska generated 575 yards of offense. Unlike ‘Gers, Nebby lost by three to Georgia Southern of the Fun Belt. This week the defense floundered, wasting a very good offensive effort. Next up: Oklahoma.

Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.


Who should be most embarrassed? Week 2 Edition

This poll is closed

  • 51%
    (371 votes)
  • 35%
    (257 votes)
  • 1%
    (8 votes)
  • 9%
    (71 votes)
  • 1%
    (10 votes)
717 votes total Vote Now


Which performance was most pleasing to you?

This poll is closed

  • 29%
    (176 votes)
  • 41%
    (243 votes)
  • 3%
    (23 votes)
  • 18%
    (106 votes)
  • 6%
    (40 votes)
588 votes total Vote Now


Are you a sadist?

This poll is closed

  • 26%
    (121 votes)
  • 26%
    No, it is a borderline personality disorder.
    (121 votes)
  • 14%
    (67 votes)
  • 33%
    I have no response to that
    (153 votes)
462 votes total Vote Now