If you paid any attention to this weekend’s insane number of upsets, and if you have any idea who I am, who I root for, or the history of this column, you absolutely know what’s coming next. For those of you returning to this column: I didn’t make you be here! But you have to watch. For those of you new to this column: You’re welcome!

Other things you need to have seen, if you haven’t already, because they illustrate just the absolute pure JOY that can come with being a college football fan that you just cannot get from pro sports or the Little League World Series (which is straight trash, btw).

I’ve been to Boone many, many times and I cannot figure out why there were two giant groups of people who ran at each other from opposite ends of downtown. In the end, though, who cares? It’s so fun to watch.

Pretty classic college sports shenanigans here of course. Only thing I’ll add is of all the bodies of water I’d willingly swim in for purposes of celebration, that stagnant ass duck pond is absolutely at or near the bottom. Just nasty.

In any event, App State has long been my second CFB team, and I’m here to announce that this is now (again) and App State column until further notice or losses to like, Georgia State or something.

OTE’s Player of the Week: Week 2

Jim Dedmon-USA TODAY Sports

Taulia Tagovailoa - Quarterback - Maryland Terrapins

27/31 passing, 391 yards, 5 total touchdowns (1 rushing)

I did not realize until I was on my way to Value City Furniture (followed by Patel Brothers followed by Home Depot) that I live maybe five minutes away from where UNC-Charlotte plays and where Taulia Tagovailoa massacres. Had I known that, I definitely still would have not paid to go to the game, despite a chance to see TT have about as close to a perfect game as a quarterback can play. Are the 49ers any good? Absolutely not. still, though, the completion percentage, yards per attempt, and touchdowns are bonkers.

NORMALLY I PUT A TWEET OF THE FEATURED PLAYER DOING SOMETHING COOL

The question today, though, is whether September Maryland is simply #Back or if September Maryland can turn that into Octvember (yeah they’re in the East which will make for some ROUGH games, but on the plus side they get to cross over against the West!) Maryland and have some sustained success.

HERE, BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OUT THERE ABOUT TAGOVAILOA FROM

If my memory hasn’t failed too badly, Maryland has some talented guys on their roster, especially at the skill positions! There’s no reason at all that Maryland and Tagovailoa can’t at least be East Purdue or East Minnesota on offense, and if they can do that, they should be well positioned to play a bowl game against the 6th or 7th best team from another conference this December. Please note, though, that I obviously didn’t watch a second of this game, so I have no idea whether he was ACTUALLY good or if he was merely September Maryland against an overmatched opponent good.

THIS PAST WEEK! GET IT TOGETHER, TERPS TWITTERERS (or maybe the game wasn’t televised?)

Honorable Mentions

The Right Honorable (Mention) Of The Week: Week 2

Dylan Widger-USA TODAY Sports

Casey Thompson - Quarterback - Nebraska Cornhuskers

23/34 passing, 318 yards, 4 total touchdowns (3 rushing)

All the usual caveats aside, this is the kind of Nebraska QB who terrifies me (and other Wisconsin fans I assume), because Wisconsin has never seemed to be able to remotely stop or slow down even remotely competent Nebraska QBs who can squirt out of the pocket when necessary. Again, I 100% have not seen a snap of Nebraska football this season, but a guy who makes defenses pay attention to him around the goal line is such a valuable and dangerous thing in college football.

I fully admit I’m doing a bit of SEO trolling with my subheadline and throughout this column, but I’m also kind of serious. In the same way a Nebraska team with a head coach who instills discipline and not shitting the bed on special teams could turn on a dime and become a West contender, a Nebraska team with Thompson as QB could easily have the best offense in the West, especially now that Purdue is done pumping out singularly dominant wide receivers for the moment (they are, right? Please say they are).

Other Honorable Mentions

I’m trying to add more words to this piece, but that trial that was ten days away last week (a) has still not happened and (b) is even closer now. I promise to write more words you won’t read next week! (Psyche I said this last week but it’s still true and I’m sorry but not like SORRY sorry just sorry in the way Jason Giambi was sorry for using PEDs but refused to say what he was apologizing for.)

Marques Buford, Jr. - Defensive Back - Nebraska Cornhuskers

3 tackles, 2 passes defended, 2 interceptions

Turnovers remain the most important thing to get and to not do in college football, so any time a guy gets multiple of them, it’s worth noting. No idea if he’s a good cover corner, but surely Urban Meyer or Matt Rhule or Matt Campbell will be very pleased to have a ball hawk in the secondary.

Marvin Harrison - Wide Receiver - Ohio State Buckeyes

7 receptions, 184 yards, 3 touchdowns

Oh good just what Ohio State needed: More NFL ready wide receivers early in their college careers for an offense that is very clearly just a week or two away from going full on juggernaut mode.

Evan Hull - Running Back - Northwestern Wildcats

17 carries, 65 yards; 14 receptions, 213 yards; 2 total TDs (1 receiving, 1 rushing)

Genuinely do not understand how a single player can catch fourteen passes for 200+ yards and have his team lose, but then I see that it also took him 17 carries to gain just 65 yards and understand a little better. Nevertheless, lol Fitz (I don’t care for him).

Nick Singleton - Running Back - Penn State Nittany Lions

10 carries, 179 yards, 2 touchdowns

Extremely impressive day against an extremely overmatched opponent. Still much, much better than Wisconsin’s running backs did against their cupcake FCS opponent, not to mention against their cupcake P5 opponent. Dammit. Oh, and how ‘bout a 70-yarder for your first career rushing TD? Somebody more bored than I will surely spend the time figuring out where that ranks on the all-time longest first career TD by an offensive player lists.

What Did Beez Do Instead Of Watching Football?

In the most unfortunate of developments, I watched all but the last two minutes of the Wisconsin “game” against Wazzu. I did spend my commercial breaks taking down multiple generations of curtain hardware, including some that appear to have been somehow installed underneath wallpaper? Or like directly into drywall BEFORE painting, but were also somehow painted over? I’m learning that the previous owner(s) of our new house made some bizarre decisions when it came to minor repairs, major repairs, painting, not painting, replacing plumbing hardware, not doing any plumbing maintenance, and on and on and on and on. Never buy a house.

EDITS: I completely forgot to talk about how my wife watched the game with me the entire time and how it made me feel good and not alone or weird for being excited when she swore when Wazzu scored and cheered when Wisconsin scored. In the end, though, she taught me a new level of pain. I told her around 2:30 left in the game, “You can put on what you want now” and she replied “Why? You’re not going to watch the end of the game? They could pull it out!” and how much it hurt that she both identified me as a quitter and reminded me that no, Wisconsin had no shot to win. Love you!

Oh and even worse than all this? I willingly watched Wisconsin lose to Wazzu rather than watching my (actual favorite team) Appalachian State Mountaineers smother Jimbo Fischer and Texas A&M by holding the ball for 40+ minutes and showing, yet again, that money doesn’t mean shit. I mean, it means everything, but not in this case! Go Apps!