It’s week 3 and you’re here for your power poll. What’s that? Where’s BRT? Oh, don’t worry about that. You’re stuck here with me.
Did you see that?
Read that again:
“It’s week 3, and you’re here for your power poll. What’s that, where’s BRT?
Oh don’t worry about that, you’re stuck here with me.”
Now let’s make it country:
“It’s week 3 and you’re drunk in this bar, looking for that power poll. What’s that, where’s BRT?
Oh she ain’t here, so just sit down and drink a beer, you’re gonna be stuck here with me.”
That lick took me all of 10 seconds to write but it’d probably make a modern country label cream with excitement. I’m from a very rural area of Indiana and country music is basically what I was raised on. I’ve been through the 90’s and early 00’s and watched it change to whatever the fuck is going on here today in country music.
I’d be lying if I said today’s country music isn’t good for the bottom line. The genre is more popular than ever. It pulls in more money than it ever has. Just like my grandpaw said though, “money is the root of all evil” and when I look at my country music world, I don’t even recognize it anymore. So for this week’s power poll, grab a beer, drive to a bar in your truck, and on your way drive past a cornfield because I have an axe to grind against modern country music.
#1 Ohio State Buckeyes - References to 90’s Country Specifically
FPV - 12
Two years ago or so, there began a rash of songs referencing 90’s country music. No, no, no, not actual songs, but the phrase (in part or all together) “90’s country”. Then, people stared just peeling off licks from 90’s songs and shoving them randomly into their songs. Real tongue in cheek references. I’m sick and tired of it. I was raised on that era of country music too, but I’d like it if you creatively worked in a homage to the time instead of acting like you’ve lost control over your ctrl+c, ctrl+v function. It’s not original and it’s boring.
You know what else is not original and boring? Having to talk about Ohio State in the number 1 slot. I do not enjoy watching them. They’re good, but screw ‘em. They always win (except last year. Hahahahaha) and are always preseason ranked top 5. Ryan Day might have fixed some of the defensive problems and if the offense comes around, they could contend for 2nd or 3rd place in the CFP this year. Time will tell though.
#2 Michigan Wolverines - Everyone is Too Nice to Each Other
FPV - 1 Lone Soul
Country musicians are too nice to each other. I’m sick of it. Everyone is always supporting and complementing everyone else even when their songs are kind of shit. I miss the days where Zack Brown would take time out of his day of getting caught in FBI raids to call Luke Bryan’s music a blight unto the genre. We need people to take center stage. Speak their mind and do things that run counter to what the lamestream wants us to think.
You know who runs counter a lot and upsets the lamestream? Hey there Michigan! This transition took a leap, but I just wanted to lambast Harbz’s quarterback competition as well as make fun of him a little. Stepping out to adopt every player’s kid if they don’t want them? Jesus, it’s going to be cheaper by the six dozen in a couple years if he sticks to it. Michigan seems to have found their QB though and is still capable of a prominent ground attack. Good on you Michigan. Good on you.
#3 Penn State Nittany Lions- Bring Back the Fiddle
When was the last time we heard a song with a fiddle in it? Like a real country fiddle song? Country songs today have completely abandoned the use of the fiddle and I’m incredibly disappointed. It’s such a beautiful sound. I yearn for the old days.
You know who else yearns for the old days? Penn State probably. At least they yearn for the days when their program was actually a powerhouse, not an overrated monstrosity that loses to Illinois at home. Penn State has followed the trend of B1G East programs remaining undefeated, but let’s be honest…they aren’t back either. They’re just third fiddle to Ohio State and Michigan, and always will be.
#4 Michigan State Spartans - The Highway XM
Let me just start with saying that I have cancelled my Sirius XM subscription. I could go into a whole new list of things that piss me off about Sirius, but we’ll stay focused on the main issue of Sirius: The Highway XM. The concept of the Highway is pretty neat honestly. Take new songs that haven’t hit mainstream and give them a shot. Maybe even throw in a couple interviews, live music, or a Friday afternoon show. Well friends, it is a good idea to do these things, which is why it’s more disappointing that the product actually blows. The station is too cheap to hire round the clock DJs, so the shows are taped and repeated every day. They, too, suffer from the problem with FM radio in which they play the same damn songs to death. Then there’s the Friday Music Row Happy Hour show that I find to be charming to start, but becomes an annoying slog when they pull up the dumbest/drunkest bachelorette party they can find and let them talk for 5 minutes.
You know what else is an annoying slog? Watching this Michigan State team. Man, once Kenneth Walker left town, that offense is kind of sluggish (as sluggish as could be mentioned considering you haven’t play anyone). Looks like you’re going to be facing Washington this week and their high flying Penix. We’ll see if you can keep up!
#5 Minnesota Golden Gophers - Rapping Country Lyrics Has Overstayed Its Welcome
If I wanted to listen to rap, I’d listen to rap. I don’t need to hear lyrics spouted over a “sick beat” talking about country tropes that are unoriginal. I don’t care how catchy it is, I don’t want to listen to it. It’s overdone. Stop it.
You know what else is overdone? Making fun of the B1G West...because Minnesota is undefeated! Transition could be better but you get it. The first B1G West team to appear in the poll is down here at #5! The lone B1G West undefeated team stands tall on that side of the divide. We’ll see if their season continues when the real scheduling hits, but for now be like Indiana fans and enjoy the magic before it gets taken away from you.
#6 Maryland Terrapins - Cross Genre Collaborations
I’m just going to say it. Cross genre collaborations suck and I’m sick of them. I blame Tim Mcgraw for his collaboration with Nelly that really started this, but Florida Georgia line really took it to another level. Now everyone and their brother/sister are collabbing with pop stars or rappers and it’s old and worn out its welcome.
You know what else is old and has worn out its welcome? Hey Maryland. May be a bit odd of hate thrown at you, but I’m already sick and tired of you. I don’t care who your QB is related to or how bad they beat the Patriots this past weekend. Did you see the fire in the parking lot? Well that’s more interesting that watching you beat 2 shitty teams.
#7 Purdue Boilermakers - Club Mixes
COUNTRY MUSIC DOES NOT REQUIRE CLUB MIXES. There, I said it and I’m not taking it back. I hate hearing a song played in a venue/establishment/on the radio and I can instantly tell they’re playing a club mix. For the uninitiated, that’s when the jack up a beat in the background to make it seem like it belongs in a dance club. News flash, good country songs don’t need to be in dance clubs. The worst offender of this is usually national radio stations. There was a station in Indy back in the 2013’s that would play “club mixes” every Friday from 3-6. For what purpose? Probably just to piss me off, who knows. But it’s stupid and I hate it.
You know what else is stupid and I hate? Hey Boiler fans. I don’t hate you of course. I love all of you most of the time. But during those 60 minutes of football each week, I’d just assume see you guys all have hangnails that are just a little too deep. Boiler fans should be pretty content so far this season while still ruing that they should be 2-0. It’s okay though. That patsy of a schedule should allow you guys to run to a 9 or 10 win season. Enjoy it while it lasts!
#8 Rutgers Scarlett Knights - National Radio Stations
Look. 14 teams is a lot to meander on about. I’m on vacation and this is becoming a slog. The next topic is national radio stations in country music. My main beef is that I change from one radio station to the next, only to hear the EXACT SAME DAMN SONG PLAYING AGAIN. I DIDN’T WANT TO LISTEN TO MORGAN WALLEN AGAIN. IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT MYSELF. I’m just so sick of this problem.
You know what other problem I’m sick of? Rutgers. That was a rough transition, but it’s true. I’ll give them credit, they’ve certainly improved under the might of the Schiano machine. However, they’re still bottom feeders in the B1G East and will be until the divisions are done. Best of luck getting to 6 wins each year. I’m not rooting for you.
#9 Indiana Hoosiers - Sam Hunt Sucks
Now we come to the former Middle Tennessee/UAB quarterback Sam Hunt. Now, my hatred for Sam Hunt isn’t necessarily as angry as it is for Morgan Wallen. However, Sam Hunt is also someone who is a manifested problem in country music. No Sam, you can’t just talk into a mic with a backtrack rambling on about small towns and call it country music. He doesn’t actually sing bad, but he’s problem child number one when it comes to introducing rapping into country music. Florida/Georgia Line were the originally on this list, but since they’re doing something positive for country music by breaking up Sam Hunt is the defacto replacement.
Speaking of replacements, boy did Indiana have a ton. Indiana replaced almost half its team from last year with transfers and freshmen. They also replaced both major coordinators (yet somehow Hiller remains). Unlike Sam Hunt, I like the Hoosiers though. They’ve scratched and clawed their way out of the abyss to start 2-0 with 1 conference win already. They’ve not looked good doing it, but they’re 2-0. Good for us Hoosier fans. Good for us.
#10 Illinois Fighting Illini - Post “Kick the Dust Up” Luke Bryan
A strong argument could be made that the human Kermit the Frog known as Luke Bryan fell down here when Kick the Dust Up released. I actually quite enjoyed that song and that concert, so piss off. Everything after that though…ooph. It’s been horrid. If I have to listen to the “One margarita, Two Margarita, Three Margarita” ever again, I might hurl myself off a bridge.
Speaking of jumping off bridges, how are we feeling Illinois Fans? You probably feel pretty good about that win this week, eh. Beating FBS mediocre-house Virginia early in the season is always a good move, but you established dominance! You moved to 2-0….ooops. You’re 2-1. You could have easily been 3-0 if not for the refs…or getting stuffed on the goal line on 4th down…or punting a collective 15 yards per punt…the bridge is down the road if you need it. Spread your wings and fly!
#11 Wisconsin Badgers - Country Clichés
Similar to uncreative and lazy lyrics, too many songs today lean into the clichés of country music today. How many songs literally describe driving in a truck, hitting on a girl in a bar, if you’re from Alabama maybe <joke censored by Mrs. Komodo> (thanks for proofreading dear). I mean I get country music has always leaned into the same subjects and genres, but much of the charting country music had some variation in it. No longer says the big brains in Nashville. Every song must be about the same 6 topics and it’s just hard to stomach.
Speaking of things hard to stomach, you doing okay Wisconsin fans? No? That’s what I thought. Having lost to WASHINGTON
MINOR STATE this past weekend, I can imagine most of you just crawled into whatever bottle you were gripping and have yet to leave. Nevermind that WSU almost lost to FCS powerhouse Idaho last week, they walked right into Camp Randall, kicked your ass, and took ya girl. At least now every team in the West has a loss now...oh wait, they don’t.
#12 Northwestern Wildcats - Cole Swindell’s Winey Ass
I’m going to get straight to the point. Cole Swindell has a winey, nasally voice and every song he sings seems to be complaining about how some girl left him or how sad his life is without someone. I’m sick and tired of his shit. I listened to him perform at a half time concert in a bowl game a few years ago, and by god he was even more winey and terrible in that performance. Just because you sold T-shirts for Luke Bryan doesn’t mean you should get a country music career. Some people should just say in the background.
Speaking of things that should stay in the background, what’s up Northwestern! Everyone thought you’d turned a corner. Even year Northwestern is here to wreak havoc in the West! And that could still be the case, but you should do it from the shadows. The spotlight makes you lose to Duke. Not that you guys were getting too much press, just too many around here were too happy and needed to be knocked down a peg. You’ve only beat Nebraska for gosh sakes.
#13 I-wa Hawkeyes - Cole Swindell’s Winey Ass
LPV - 3
Lack of lyrical creativity is something I think haunts modern country music. When songs begin pandering and rhyming gets thrown out the window and we start seeing “stereotypical country” words getting shoved in dumbass places, it drives me up a wall. I play country music bingo if I have new country on the radio. Any time I hear the words truck, beer, country, or girl in a song I hit a pot hole and hope that it takes my wheel off and I smash into a telephone pole. It’s all so uncreative that it makes me sick.
Speaking of something being so uncreative it’s sick, I-wa and that offense! Let’s go! I’m super proud of that transition. Hot off a no touchdown win last week and a 3 play, 19 yard drive for their lonely touchdown in a low this week, I-wa fans are gluttons for punishment if you choose to watch this shit. At some point, you’d think you’d get creative and throw passes with halfbacks or just go full on Wildcat, but I guess not. I’d also look for this site to continue its string of I-wa hatred. Good luck this year fellas, cause you’re gonna need it.
#14 Nebraska Cornhuskers - Morgan Wallen
LPV - 10
Let’s get one thing straight, just because I despise an artist doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a song here and there. In the case of some of the artists listed here, I was actually very much a fan at one point in time. For this entry, I never have been and will likely not be a fan of Morgan Wallen ever. The first single I remember was “Up Down” released back in 2017. I recall listening to it and being like, “yeah. That’s a nice day drinking song to come up on shuffle.” Since then I’ve watched Wallen get shoved up the ass of every country music fan that is dumb enough to turn on FM country radio. Some of the singles are okay, and I’m actually luke-warm on “Sand In My Boots,” but everything else can kiss my ass.
Then, there’s the controversies. I hesitate to call the Saturday Night Live partying maskless scenario a controversy, but when you add it to the list of shit he’s done it’s just another line item. It is nice to see he’s recovered nicely from his N-word accident and I’m glad that the record companies, labels, and radio were able to sweep that right under the rug. If that video was good for anything, it was proving how much of a dipshit asshole Morgan Wallen is and how much his neighbors all hate him.
Speaking of being hated, boy it’s nice to see Scott Frost her….oh yeah. I guess Scooty Frooster has received enough hate that he’s no longer the Nebraska coach. And Nebby….you guys just lost to Georgia Southern as an over 20 point favorite. No coach. No defense. No hope. I predict one more dying gasp playing Oklahoma before you all settle in for another 3 win campaign.
And there you have it sports fans. All the rankings. All my ramblings. You know, as I get older, music just seems to get worse and worse.
Oh yeah. That’s right. Have a good week all!
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