Note: This article is purely to inform you of the time, TV, odds, line, spread, betting, and general vibe of the college football schedule. Any learning you do, entertainment you draw, or commentary you glean from the words that follow is purely coincidental and not the intent of sports blog nation dot com.

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I got taunted at a brewery last night by a Southern Illinois grad.

As part of the “Wow, you don’t make money in academia?!” side hustles that I’ve taken on—ranging from “More low-paid adjuncting” to “coach of a boys’ JV tennis team” to “director of a Catholic church’s music and liturgy”—over the last few years, hosting bar trivia is easily the most enjoyable, because I get 3-4 comped beers each night if I really want. People tended to complain when I drank all the wine before the priest had a chance to transubstantiate it.

And, over five months at the same location, you build a nice rapport with folks. One of those was a table of gentlemen where one wore a Minnesota polo, one had on a Michigan State hat, and another donned an Iowa sweatshirt. Nice guys, tend to finish just outside the money, good dudes.

Last week they had a stupid complaint, and I informed them I wouldn’t be giving them the point because of the Iowa shirt that one poor sap was wearing. Learn how to offense, you assholes. One of the guys—just wearing a St. Paul Saints hat—laughed and said “I’m an Illinois fan anyway” before asking me who I root for.

We became mortal enemies on the spot.

Last night I returned and, as per my custom, asked at the end of halftime if there was anything I had graded incorrectly. The Illinois fan, shit-eating grin on his face, came up and asked me how my weekend was. He then revealed that while he rooted for Illinois, he’s a Saluki by graduation. Oh, and he didn’t watch the game, just saw the score and, in his words, “thought of me right away.”

So thanks, Pat Fitzgerald, for getting me shit-talked by a dude who didn’t even watch the game, all because SIU ran one fucking “exotic” formation that confused your NFL dipshit failure of a defensive coordinator.

Anywho, Carbondale’s not a horrible town if you ever have the time to visit. It’s where—and I know I’ve mentioned this before—I went to neighboring Murphysboro and the proprietor of Molly’s Pint brewery recommended I put a pickle in my saison. That’s not a euphemism, but it is a terrible idea, and I’m still angry at them for it.

Apparently this was the stage in my life where I had a phone whose camera’s focus was broken, so I don’t have a ton of good photos to show: just the water tower in nearby Makanda—where the subject of my research, Paul Simon, hailed from—a bunch of breweries and beers you don’t care about, and my setup while I was working in the archives. Clearly I was very diligent.

It was in Carbondale, though, that I learned that Paul Simon’s 1988 “Bow Tie Brigade” in Wisconsin included a young Russ Feingold, though, so it made for a good presentation on the power of symbolism that the Middleton state senator would use just a couple years later on his own campaign:

Oh right, sure, you can have some trivia questions. Answers at the bottom.

[1] Accordion and washboard are important instruments in what American genre of music, which takes its name from the Cajun pronunciation of the French word for “beans”?

[2] Only one president has the same set of double letters in their first and last name. Who was it?

[3] Commedia dell’arte actors in 16th-century Italy used to hit each other with a small wooden baton, designed to make a loud noise at the slightest touch. This early sound effect prop eventually lent its name to what form of comedy?

[4] Malaria tablets, letters from a girl back home, and the New Testament are among the titular items in what 1990 collection of war stories by author Tim O’Brien?

[5] In 2018, Alfonso Ribeiro unsuccessfully sued the creators of the video game “Fortnite” for using the choreography of what dance in their games?

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Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Chattanooga Mocs at Illinois Fighting Illini [7:30pm, BTN]

Watch That

West Virginia Mountaineers at Virginia Tech Hokies

6:30pm | ESPN | WVU -2 | O/U 52.5

Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at Georgia State Panthers

6:30pm | ESPNU | CCU -3 | O/U 64

I really should be picking one of these games—your time is valuable, Dear Reader, which is why you come to OTE for all your news and hot scoops—but this is an evening where you fire up your streaming service of choice and channel-hop.

Either one of these games could turn into post-apocalyptic shitshows. Both teams in the WVU-VaTech rivalry have losses to G5 teams (VaTech to Old Dominion, West Virginia to Kansas), while Coastal and Georgia State offer potent offenses that could go dark at any moment.

Illinois is technically playing a football game.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Virginia Cavaliers at Syracuse Orange (-10, O/U 54.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Moravian Dutchmen at Johns Hopkins Earls [6pm, Stream]
Nevada Wolf Pack at Air Force Falcons (-24, O/U 47) [7pm, FS1]

{USL} Charleston Battery vs. Rio Grande Valley [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Tampa Bay Rowdies vs. Birmingham Legion [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{CPL} York United vs. Valour [6:30pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{MSOC} Indiana vs. Michigan St. [6:30pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Northwestern vs. Michigan [7pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} wisconsin vs Rutgers [7pm, BTN+]
{USL} Louisville City vs. Memphis 901 [7pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Necaxa vs. Mazatlan [7pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Puebla vs. Pumas [9pm, TUDN]

Watch That

New Haven Chargers at Bentley Falcons

5pm | Bentley U Stream

Boise State Broncos at UTEP Miners

8pm | CBSSN | Boise -15.5 | O/U 45.5

Australian Rules Football Grand Final

Sydney Swans vs. Geelong Cats

11:24pm | FS1 | Cats -12.5 | O/U 164.5

Added because I wanted to, not because you told me to

This slate is...uh...well.

While UTEP can’t offer enough in the way of an atmosphere to throw off Boise State’s terrible quarterback, Dana Dimel isn’t an awful coach and the Miners play enough defense that they could make it interesting into the second half. If they get behind, though, maybe there’s enough time to see if the Johns Hopkins game is still going on.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Kent State Golden Flashes at #1 Georgia Bulldogs (-44.5, O/U 62) [11am, SECN+]
Maryland Terrapins at #4 Michigan Wolverines (-16.5, O/U 62.5) [11am, FOX]
#5 Clemson Tigers (-7, O/U 55.5) at #21 Wake Forest Demon Deacons [11am, ABC]
Central Michigan Chippewas at #14 Penn State Nittany Lions (-27, O/U 60.5) [11am, BTN]
#17 Baylor Bears at Iowa State Cyclones (-2.5, O/U 46) [11am, ESPN2]
Rhode Island Rams at #24 Pittsburgh Panthers [11am, ACCN]
Missouri Tigers at Auburn Tigers (-7, O/U 53) [11am, ESPN2]
Bowling Green Falcons at Mississippi State Bulldogs (-30, O/U 54) [11am, SECN]
South Florida Bulls at Louisville Cardinals (-13, O/U 64.5) [11am, ESPN3]
Buffalo Bulls at Eastern Michigan Eagles (-6, O/U 60) [11am, ESPN3]

{UEFA} Slovenia vs. Norway [11am, FS2]
{UEFA} Northern Ireland vs. Kosovo [11am, FSPlus]

Watch That

TCU Horned Frogs at SMU Cocaine Ponies

11am | ESPNU | TCU -1.5 | O/U 70.5

Battle for the Iron Skillet!

Duke Blue Devils at Kansas Jayhawks

11am | FS1 | Kansas -9 | O/U 64.5

Look—watching Duke football is really fucking boring. Even when they’re “good”, you think “Jesus, Pat Fitzgerald regularly loses to this team by multiple touchdowns? THIS team?!”

Watching Kansas football be “good”, though, is like watching a horse on rollerskates. You know it’s not natural, and it’s probably going to end with someone at the glue factory. But in the meantime, you just can’t look away.

This morning is almost the platonic ideal of DWT;WT: two games, one a weird and dumb rivalry of regional import and the other a weird and dumb game between two bad teams who are somehow not awful? All we’re missing is a G5 rivalry where New Mexico and Colorado State play for the Ol’ Hot Air Balloon or something and have a total in the game of less than 40 or more than 70.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

UCLA Bruins (-21.5, O/U 57) at Colorado Buffaloes [1pm, Pac-12]
UMass Minutemen at Temple Owls (-9, O/U 43) [1pm, ESPN+]
Fordham Rams at Ohio Bobcats [1pm, ESPN+]
#20 Florida Gators at #11 Tennessee Volunteers (-11, O/U 62.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
#22 Texas Longhorns (-6.5, O/U 60) at Texas Tech Red Raiders [2:30pm, ESPN]
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at #25 Miami Hurricanes (-26.5, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Notre Dame Fighting Irish at North Carolina Tar Heels (EVEN, O/U 58.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
Indiana Hoosiers at Cincinnati Bearcats (-16.5, O/U 54) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
FIU Sunblazers at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-31, O/U 65.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
North Texas Mean Green at Memphis Tigers (-11.5, O/U 68.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Texas Southern Tigers at UTSA Roadrunners [2:30pm, Stadium]
#15 Oregon Ducks (-6.5, O/U 57.5) at Washington State Cougars [3pm, FOX]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at #16 Ole Miss Rebels (-21, O/U 62) [3pm, SECN]
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at UCF Knights (-20, O/U 55) [3pm, ESPNU]
Sacramento State Hornets at Colorado State Rams [3pm, TheMW]
Arizona Wildcats at California Golden Bears (-3, O/U 48) [4:30pm, Pac-12]

{UEFA} Czech Republic vs. Portugal [1:45pm, FS2]
{UEFA} Spain vs. Switzerland [1:45pm, FuboSports]
{UEFA} Israel vs. Albania [1:45pm, FuboSports]
{UEFA} Serbia vs. Sweden [1:45pm, FSPlus]
{UEFA} Cyprus vs. Greece [1:45pm, FuboSports]
{CPL} Cavalry vs. Atletico Ottawa [4:30pm, FSPlus]

Watch That

Minnesota Gophers at Michigan State Spartans

2:30pm | BTN | Minnesota -2.5 | O/U 51

James Madison Dukes at Appalachian State Mountaineers

2:30pm | ESPN+ | App -8 | O/U 61

Toledo Rockets at San Diego State Aztecs

2:30pm | FS1 | Toledo -1.5 | O/U 47

Scotland vs. Ireland

1:45pm | Fubo Sports Network

UEFA Nations League

I’ll be honest—if my child cooperates, I’ll be watching a non-zero amount of UMass-Temple. That game should be disgusting, and I can’t wait.

And I’d like to clarify the difference between that and Iowa-Rutgers: UMass and Temple should be bad! They are East Coast schools with no resources and a fanbase that does not give a shit about football! You, Iowa and Rutgers, have no such excuse. Fuck you, and I hope your game ends 6-3.

That said, Brady Hoke is already struggling at San Diego State and I, for one, cannot wait to watch the carnage. And, if the cocaine hits right, UNT-Memphis could be good and dumb. Just wait for someone to tell you, as if it were new information, that North Texas’s quarterback is 29 and was a minor league baseball player. WOW YOU ARE SO EDGY WITH THAT NEW INFORMATION NO ONE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THREE YEARS

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Akron Zips at A Blight on Humanity (-28.5, O/U 58) [5pm, ESPN+]
Navy Midshipmen at East Carolina Pirates (-17, O/U 50) [5pm, ESPN+]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at Old Dominion Monarchs (-6, O/U 56.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
Rice Owls at Houston Cougars (-17, O/U 56) [5pm, ESPN+]
Northern Illinois Huskies at #8 Kentucky Wildcats (-25.5, O/U 52) [6pm, ESPN2]
#10 Arkansas Razorbacks at #25 Texas A&M Aggies (-2.5, O/U 48.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles at Tulane Green Wave (-13, O/U 48.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
UNLV Rebels (-2.5, O/U 60) at Utah State Aggies [6pm, CBSSN]
Houston Baptist Huskies at Texas State Bobcats [6pm, ESPN3]
Marshall Thundering Herd (-3, O/U 55) at Troy Trojans [6pm, NFLN]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at South Alabama Jaguars (-13, O/U 57.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Vanderbilt Commodores at #2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-40, O/U 59) [6:30pm, SECN]
Wisconsin Badgers at #3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-18, O/U 57) [6:30pm, ABC]
UConn Huskies at #12 NC State Wolfpack (-38.5, O/U 49.5) [6:30pm, ESPN3]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Northwestern Wildcats (-6.5, O/U 50.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
New Mexico Lobos at LSU Tigers (-30.5, O/U 45.5) [6:30pm, SECN+]
Charlotte 49ers at South Carolina Gamecocks (-22.5, O/U 68) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Florida Atlantic Owls at Purdue Boilermakers (-19.5, O/U 61.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
Kansas State Wildcats at #6 Oklahoma Sooners (-13, O/U 52) [7pm, FOX]
Boston College Eagles at Florida State Seminoles (-16.5, O/U 48.5) [7pm, ACCN]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-9, O/U 51.5) at UL Monroe Warhawks — BATTLE ON THE BAYOU [7pm, ESPN+]

{USL 1} Richmond Kickers vs. Central Valley Fuego [5:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL 1} Charlotte Independence vs. North Carolina [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Miami vs. Monterey Bay [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs. Orange County SC [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Detroit City vs. Tulsa [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Colorado Springs vs. Oakland Roots [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL 1} Forward Madison vs. Tormenta [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} San Antonio vs. Sacramento Republic [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at New Mexico State Aggies

7pm | FloFootball ($$$) | NMSU -5 | O/U 54

Ball State Cardinals at Georgia Southern Eagles

5pm | ESPN+ | GASo -9.5 | O/U 64

Please, I Am Begging You, Seek Professional Help

Iowa Hawkeyes at Rutgers Scarlet Knights

6pm | FS1 | Iowa -7.5 | O/U 34.5

I am so angry that New Mexico State football is behind a paywall.

After three weeks of turtling and a close-ish loss to UTEP, the Aggies are stepping out into the part of their schedule where we’ll see if Jerry Kill can actually coach ‘em up, or if they’re just going to be a speed bump for [/checks notes] the worst Hawai’i team in 10 years, San Jose State, and...Lamar? (It could happen...)

Lots of other interesting action up and down your metaphorical dial:

• Battle of the Bayou: Louisiana and UL Monroe in what is nominally a rivalry game? Terry Bowden is the new Warhawks coach. Do with that information what you will.
• Battle for the Bell: Similarly, Tulane—who just won at Kansas State—and Southern Miss play for a bell. I have no idea why, but that’s a thing (and Tulane is Fun)!
• The Miami-to-B1G Pipeline: If Chuck Martin wins this game, maybe Northwestern will just hire him as a Fitz doppelganger. The pipeline worked when it was Terry Hoeppner and Randy Walker going to the Big Ten... (No other coaches come to mind, thanks.)
• UNLV-Utah State should be awful and both teams, it appears, will at least oblige us and score some points.
• Similarly, Marshall-Troy could be a shitshow—the Herd blew one to Bowling Green on NFLN last week, while Troy...uh...you guys doing OK?

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Wyoming Cowboys at #19 BYU Cougars (-22.5, O/U 50) [9:15pm, ESPN2]
#13 Utah Utes (-14, O/U 54) at Arizona State Sun Devils [9:30pm, ESPN]
Stanford Cardinal at #18 Washington Huskies (-13, O/U 60) [9:30pm, FS1]

{Friendly} Mexico vs. Peru [8pm, TUDN]
{USL 1} Northern Colorado vs. Greenville Triumph [8pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. San Diego Loyal [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL 1} Tucson vs. Chattanooga Red Wolves [9pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#7 USC Trojans at Oregon State Beavers

8:30pm | Pac-12 | USC -6.5 | O/U 70.5

Western Michigan Broncos at San Jose State Spartans

9:30pm | CBSSN | SJSU -7 | O/U 49

Go Beavs. And, more importantly, I hope everyone has a lot of fun and hits the over in WMU-San Jose State. That’s some excellent non-conference scheduling, gang.

Trivia answers here. Enjoy the games, everybody.

1. Zydeco
2. Millard Fillmore
3. Slapstick
4. The Things They Carried
5. The Carlton