Note: This article is purely to inform you of the time, TV, odds, line, spread, betting, and general vibe of the college football schedule. Any learning you do, entertainment you draw, or commentary you glean from the words that follow is purely coincidental and not the intent of sports blog nation dot com or whatever other blog picks this up and doesn’t give me credit for it (I see you, bleacher report).

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My Northwestern Wildcats have distinguished themselves, now, by losing to both the FCS Southern Illinois Salukis and MACtion’s finest, the Puntin’ Miami Redhawks. It’s a lot of fun, we’re having a great time, and I hope you all eat something unpleasant this weekend.

What that got me more curious about, though, was how this would lead to some hilarity in terms of transitive losses.

If you’ve never done this before, you need to be on My Team Is Better Than Your Team, checking out past seasons to find the assiest transitive loss you possibly can, like how the national champions 2014 Ohio State Buckeyes were actually worse than the Northeast Mississippi Community College Fightin’ Tigers. It’s a lot of fun, if you define fun as “dredging up old memories of painfully stupid losses,” which I do.

While some of those comparisons (including the one above) involve “margin of victory”—think “you beat them by less than we did!” as a means of showing why 2022 wisconsin is better than 2022 Minnesota because of its margin of victory over New Mexico State—we are looking, today, for “wins only” hilarity.

Typing in “Northwestern” for example, yields the disappointing result that the Wildcats’ worst transitive losses of 2022 are 13-order defeats to FCS schools Holy Cross and Austin Peay. (Indeed, the worst you can currently do for Northwestern is a 14-order defeat to Michigan, something I’m fairly confident is just “beating a dead horse”.)

It’s worth noting, of course, that for all these Northwestern results, you can just add 1 to get Nebraska’s—a 14th-order loss to Holy Cross! Can you imagine, Husker faithful?!?!?!?!?

The only DII-over-FCS upsets I can find so far in 2022 are Missouri S&T’s Week 2 upset of non-scholarship FCS Drake and Delta State’s Week 3 bodying of Mississippi Valley State. Neither of those two teams have a win yet in 2022, but keep an eye on them for where we could get some fun transitive wins.

Looking more broadly at the FCS-over-FBS upsets (so I don’t have to cast SO wide a net for all the DII or DIII wins), here’s who you should keep an eye on:

NCAA

Where there’s hope for a D-II > FBS route:

• Watch Robert Morris. The Colonials (0-3) have a loss to non-scholarship Pioneer League Dayton, who plays Drake this week but could pick up a roundabout loss to them some other way. If Bobby Morris picks up a win somewhere in the Big South, things get interesting.
• The SWAC gets messy if the horrifically bad Delta Devils nab a win—Mississippi Valley State would then be in line to get a transitive win over some Southland schools, potentially, via Grambling beating Northwestern State. From there, if the Demons can get a win over Incarnate Word, that’s a win over Nevada (who has beaten just New Mexico State and Texas State, BUT).
• Similarly to above but pursuant to our game here (ooooooh), Jackson State has a win on Tennessee State, of the Ohio Valley Conference. The Tigers are awful (0-3) but do get Southeast Missouri State. SEMO State, as their friends call them, won their rivalry game across the Mississippi River with...
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  the Southern Illinois Salukis.

There’s lots of room for hilarity out there, still, but the prospect of Northwestern picking up a transitive loss to a D-II school (and who knows how far down it goes from there) by virtue of a Mississippi Valley State game warms me to my very core.

Most embarrassing for me? The Southern Illinois fan who shit-talked me last week read that article, somehow. (Apparently Bleacher Report just steals OTE stuff? Who knew.) Anyway, if he tells me “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain” next Wednesday, I’ll give his team some bonus point(s) to be determined.

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MNW’s Lightly-Plagiarized Trivia (answers at the bottom):

1. Only two NCAA schools at any level (FBS through D-III) share the camel as a mascot. Name both for full credit—one is worth .25 and the other is worth .75 credit.
2. There are 36 black keys on a standard piano. How many white ones are there?
3. A 20-day unit of time called a winal and a 260-day calendar called a tzolk’in, and a system called the Long Count for larger time frames were used to measure time in what civilization?
4. English is the most common official language, at 54 countries. French is second, at 29. Who’s third, at 22?
5. Annie Clark wrote the 2007 album “Marry Me” under what stage name, which she shares with a 17th-century French priest famous for serving the poor?

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

South Carolina State Bulldogs at South Carolina Gamecocks [6pm, SECN]
Chowan Chowhounds at Fayetteville State North Carolinians [6pm, FSUSN]
Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals [7:15pm, BezosVision]

Watch That

Utah State Aggies at #19 BYU Cougars

7pm | ESPN | BYU -24 | O/U 60.5

That SEMO State-SIU rivalry, by the way, is the War for the Wheel, something we’re very passionate about—bad teams playing dumb football for weird prizes.

It’s part of why we love Utah State-BYU tonight: the Battle for the Old Wagon Wheel shouldn’t be a terribly competitive game on paper—no game has been decided by a single score since 2012—but if you like watching the dumb things that rivalries make us do to one another, here’s your answer.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Wingate Bulldogs at Erskine Fleet [1pm, Flo$ports]
Penn Quakers at Dartmouth Big Green [6pm, ESPNU]
San Diego State Aztecs at Boise State Broncos (-6, O/U 39) [7pm, FS1]
New Mexico Lobos at UNLV Rebels (-14.5, O/U 43.5) [10pm, CBSSN]

{Bundesliga} Bayern Munich vs. Bayer Leverkusen [1:30pm, ESPN+]
{Belgium} Standard Liege vs. Seresien [1:45pm, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Athletic Bilbao vs. Almeria [2pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Angers SCO vs. Olympique Marseille [2pm, beIN]
{EFL} Hull City vs. Luton Town [2pm, ESPN+]
{B1GVB} Michigan St. at Maryland [5:30pm, BTN]
{MLS} Toronto FC vs. Inter Miami [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Puebla vs. America [7pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Juarez vs. Pumas [9pm, FS Plus]
{CPL} Pacific vs. Edmonton [9pm, FS2]
{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. New Mexico United [9pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Tulane Green Wave at Houston Cougars

6pm | ESPN | UH -2.5 | O/U 54

UTSA Roadrunners at Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

6:30pm | CBSSN | UTSA -4 | O/U 63

#15 Washington Huskies at UCLA Bruins

9:30pm | ESPN | UW -3 | O/U 66

{B1GVB} Penn St. at Wisconsin

8pm | BTN

A note on those moved games like Wingate-Erskine, by the way: I believe I last double-checked these games on Wednesday morning. Any changes since then will be unaccounted for until at least Thursday night. Sorry in advance.

As I’ve debated what my price point should be to actually consider buying tickets to the Kansas City Chiefs-Tampa Bay Buccaneers game would be, should it move to US Bank Stadium (or maybe it already has/hasn’t), I’m thinking...$25? Maybe stay for a half, just to say I went? What say you all?

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#4 Michigan Wolverines (-10.5, O/U 42) at Iowa Hawkeyes [11am, FOX]
#7 Kentucky Wildcats at #14 Ole Miss Rebels (-6.5, O/U 54.5) [11am, ESPN]
Purdue Boilermakers at #21 Minnesota Golden Gophers (-12, O/U 53) [11am, ESPN2]
Texas Tech Red Raiders at #25 Kansas State Wildcats (-8, O/U 57.5) [11am, ESPN+]
Illinois Fighting Illini at wisconsin badgers (-7, O/U 43.5) [11am, BTN]
Louisville Cardinals (-15.5, O/U 51) at Boston College Eagles [11am, ACCN]
Navy Midshipmen at Air Force Falcons (-14, O/U 37.5) [11am, CBS]
Temple Owls at Memphis Tigers (-19.5, O/U 53) [11am, ESPNU]
Texas State Bobcats at James Madison Dukes (-22.5, O/U 49) [12:30pm, ESPN+]

{EPL} West Ham United vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers [11:30am, USA]
{Bundesliga} Werder Bremen vs. Borussia Monchengladbach [11:30am, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Sevilla vs. Atletico Madrid [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Super Lig} Adana Demirspor vs. Galatasaray [12pm, beIN]
{MLS} New England Revolution vs. Atlanta United [12:30pm, TUDN]

Watch That

#18 Oklahoma Sooners at TCU Horned Frogs

11am | ABC | OU -6.5 | O/U 67.5

Georgia State Panthers at Army West Point Black Knights

11am | CBSSN | Army -7.5 | O/U 53.5

In honor of Minnesota hosting Purdue, by the way, it’s time for my Hilarious 90s Political Commercial of the Week:

The man’s campaign theme song was the theme from Shaft. He won with 37% of the vote.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Oregon State Beavers at #12 Utah Utes (-10.5, O/U 55) [1pm, Pac-12]
UMass Minutemen at Eastern Michigan Eagles (-20, O/U 53.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
East Carolina Pirates (-9.5, O/U 57.5) at South Florida Brahman Bulls [1:30pm, ESPN+]
#2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-17.5, O/U 61) at #20 Arkansas Razorbacks [2:30pm, CBS]
Northwestern Wildcats at #11 Penn State (-26.5, O/U 52) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at #3 Ohio State Buckeyes (40.5, O/U 59) [2:30pm, BTN]
#9 Oklahoma State Cowboys at #16 Baylor Bears (-2.5, O/U 56.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
Iowa State Cyclones (-3.5, O/U 57.5) at Kansas Jayhawks [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Fresno State Bulldogs (-24, O/U 52.5) at UConn Huskies [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Michigan State Spartans at Maryland Terrapins (-7.5, O/U 60.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Virginia Tech Hokies at North Carolina Tar Heels (-9, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Central Michigan Chippewas at Toledo Rockets (-7.5, O/U 58) [2:30pm, NFLN]
Bowling Green Falcons (-8.5, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Buffalo Bulls (-1.5, O/U 50.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Ohio Bobcats at Kent State Golden Flashes (-11, O/U 68) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
The Citadel Traitors at Appalachian State Mountaineers [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs at Marshall Thundering Herd [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#17 Texas A&M Aggies at Mississippi State Bulldogs (-3.5, O/U 44.5) [3pm, SECN]
Georgia Southern Eagles at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (-10, O/U 58) [3pm, ESPN+]
Wagner Seahawks at Syracuse Orange [4pm, ACCNX]
South Alabama Jaguars (-8.5, O/U 47.5) at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns [4pm, ESPN+]
California Golden Bears at Washington State Cougars (-4, O/U 53.5) [4:30pm, Pac-12]

{CPL} HFX Wanderers vs. Atletico Ottawa [1pm, FS Plus]
{Bundesliga 2} St. Pauli vs. Heidenheim [1:30pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} PSG vs. Nice [2pm, beIN]
{La Liga} Mallorca vs. Barcelona [2pm, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} Twente vs. Vitesse [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Colorado Rapids vs. FC Dallas [2:30pm, TUDN]
{Copa Sudamericana} Sao Paulo vs. Independiente del Valle [3pm, beIN]
{CPL} Forge vs. York United [4pm, FS Plus]
{MLS} Charlotte vs. Philadelphia Union [4:30pm, ESPN+]
{Honduras} Marathon vs. Honduras Progreso [4:30pm, FOX Deportes]

Watch That

Northern Illinois Huskies at Balls Tate Robotbirds

1pm | ESPN+ | NIU -3.5 | O/U 60.5

#22 Wake Forest Demon Deacons at #23 Florida State Seminoles

2:30pm | ABC | FSU -6.5 | O/U 65.5

SMU Cocaine Ponies at UCF Citronauts

2:30pm | ESPNU | UCF -3.5 | O/U 65.5

Florida Atlantic Owls at North Texas Mean Green

3pm | ESPN+ | FAU -3 | O/U 69

FAU-UNT could be some horrifically ugly football, but neither team plays a lick of defense, so there’s some entertainment in there. In a similar manner, while I’m not going to comb the FCS schedule each week outside nationally televised games—see below—take a look at Fordham, who lost a wild game to Ohio last week after their coach backed them up 15 yards with a dumb penalty:

DWT;WT fully supports the approach of “fuck it, let’s just score points and see what happens.” Clearly that’s the mood I’m in on these afternoon games. If you’re playing a disgustingly low-scoring game, do it at 11am in the rain at Ryan Field or Kinnick Stadium, or do it under the lights late on Saturday. Don’t waste my precious afternoons with low-scoring football.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Sportswashing, American-Style (-2.5, O/U 41.5) at Old Dominion Monarchs [5pm, ESPN+]
New Hampshire Wildcats at Western Michigan Broncos [5pm, ESPN3]
UTEP Miners (-3, O/U 51) at Charlotte 49ers [5pm, ESPN3]
LSU Tigers (-9, O/U 45.5) at Auburn Tigers [6pm, ESPN]
UL Monroe Warhawks at Arkansas State Red Wolves (-7.5, O/U 60.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Troy Trojans at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-6, O/U 57.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
#1 Georgia Bulldogs (-28, O/U 54) at Missouri Tigers [6:30pm, SECN]
#10 NC State Wolfpack at #5 Clemson Tigers (-6.5, O/U 40) [6:30pm, ABC]
West Virginia Mountaineers at Texas Longhorns (-10, O/U 62) [6:30pm, FS1]
Indiana Hoosiers at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-5.5, O/U 59.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
Virginia Tech Hokies at Duke Blue Devils (-2.5, O/U 49.5) [6:30pm, ESPN3]
UAB Blazers (-10, O/U 51.5) at Rice Owls [6:30pm, ESPN+]
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at #24 Pittsburgh Panthers (-23.5, O/U 48.5) [7pm, ACCN]
FIU Sunblazers at New Mexico State Aggies (-14.5, O/U 55) [7pm, Flo$ports]

Honestly, I think “Sportswashing” should be a bigger favorite than that. Wins every time. Free money.

{Liga MX} Monterrey vs. Pachuca [5:05pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Loudoun United vs. Detroit City FC [5:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Miami FC vs. Memphis 901 [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Hartford Athletic vs. Charleston Battery [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs. San Antonio [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Indy Eleven vs. FC Tulsa [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} North Carolina vs. Union Omaha [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Greenville Triumphvs. Tucson [6pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Cincinnati vs. Chicago Fire [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Columbus Crew vs. New York Red Bulls [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Clubfoot Montreal vs. DC United [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Chattanooga Red Wolves vs. Charlotte Independence [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Tormenta vs. Richmond Kickers [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Atlas vs. Necaxa [7:05pm, TUDN]
{USL} Rio Grande Valley vs. Louisville City [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Cincinnati Bearcats at Tulsa Golden Hurricane

6pm | ESPNU | Cincinnati -9.5 | O/U 61

San Jose State Spartans at Wyoming Cowboys

6:30pm | CBSSN | SJSU -2.5 | O/U 41.5

Black Hills State Yellow Jackets at South Dakota Mines Hardrockers

7pm | Stream | BLACK HILLS BRAWL

Just go back and read about the Black Hills Brawl and the beauty of these D-II games in western South Dakota. (Or about New Deal stadiums. Whatever. I have a type.)

But, pursuant to “play low-scoring games in dumb situations,” San Jose State-Wyoming! The ‘Pokes take the air out of the ball and the stadium, and it should be blustery and rainy around kickoff. That’s all we need for Craig Bohl to thrive.

Brent Brennan, your move.

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Colorado Buffaloes at Arizona Wildcats (-17.5, O/U 56) [8:30pm, Pac-12]
Arizona State Sun Devils at #6 USC Trojans (-26, O/U 61) [9:30pm, ESPN]
Stanford Cardinal at #13 Oregon Ducks (-16.5, O/U 62.5) [10pm, FS1]

{MLS} San Jose Earthquakes vs. Minnesota United [9pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Austin FC [9pm, ESPN]
{USL} Orange County SC vs. San Diego Loyal [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Monterey Bay vs. Tampa Bay Rowdies [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Oakland Roots vs. Birmingham Legion [9pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Cruz Azul vs. Chivas [9:05pm, TUDN]
{MLS} LA Galaxy vs. Real Salt Lake [9:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Phoenix Rising vs. New York Red Bulls II [9:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Central Valley Fuego vs. Northern Colorado [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

[RV] UC Davis Aggies at #4 Montana State Bobcats

9:15pm | ESPNU

I mean, you’re welcome to give it a shot and flip over to whichever of those Pac-12 games might not actually be a rout? If I were betting, it’d be Stanford-Oregon...but none of them feels too promising.

So let’s look to the folks we should always be learning more about—the Montanas! Or, rather, their weirdly passionate football fans. The Bobcats, last year the 8th seed in the FCS Playoffs, obliterated #1 seed Sam Houston State and #4 South Dakota State before running out of gas against the juggernaut that is North Dakota State in the final. Oh, and somehow UC Davis—having lost by 7 points combined to two FCS teams, by 21 to Cal, and beaten non-scholarship San Diego—is receiving votes in the polls. So why not?

It’s Sunday and I’m Hungover...

Don’t Watch This

{NFL} Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints [8:30am, who cares, London]

{Ligue 1} Lorient vs. Lille [6am, beIN]
{EFL} Stoke City vs. Watford [6am, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Espanyol vs. Valencia [7am, ESPN+]
{EPL} Manchester Arabia vs. Manchester Tampa Bay [8am, Peacock/Telemundo]
{Bundesliga} Hertha Berlin vs. Hoffenheim [8:30am, ESPN+]
{Super Lig} Konyaspor vs. Umraniyespor [9am, beIN]
{La Liga} Celta de Vigo vs. Real Betis [9:15am, ESPN+]
{Serie B} Benevento vs. Ascoli [9:15am, FS Plus]
{Ligue 1} Monaco vs. Nantes [10:05am, beIN]
{EPL} Leeds United vs. Aston Villa [10:30am, USA]
{Bundesliga2} Schalke 04 vs. Augsburg [10:30am, ESPN+]
{Sweden???} Sirius vs. AIK [10:30am, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Girona vs. Real Sociedad [11:30am, ESPN+]
{MLS} New York City FC vs. Orlando City SC [12pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Toluca vs. Queretaro [12pm, TUDN]
{MLS} Portland Timbers vs. Los Angeles FC [2pm, ABC]
{CPL} Cavalry vs. Valour [2:30pm, FS Plus]
{MLS} Sporting KC vs. Seattle Sounders [4pm, FS1]
I stopped caring and/or trying here

Watch That

{EPL} Leeds United vs. Aston Villa

10:30am | USA Network

Eastern Washington Eagles at Florida Gators

11am | ESPN+

If you are looking to casually get into English soccer and don’t want to just blindly follow Liverpool or a Manchester—or Tottenham, if you want to support a guaranteed winner but want to seem like you were edgy back in 2011 or whatever—you could do worse than Leeds, a team just making shit up every weekend. Jesse Marsch is American, is profoundly disliked by referees, and directs a fun attacking style of soccer.

Or you could watch Eastern Washington-Florida rather than beat your head against the wall that is the NFL trying to make football in England seem fun.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

1. Campbell (.25 points) and Connecticut College (.75)
2. 52 (there are 88 total)
3. Mayan
4. Arabic
5. Saint Vincent