Brian Ferentz Promoted to University President To Avoid Having to Fire Him (satire)

Iowa Hawkeye offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz was named the 23rd president of the University of Iowa on Monday morning, after Gary Barta deemed the idea of firing Kirk Ferentz’s son to be “a little too touchy for me”.

The move came after lengthy discussions about how to go about removing Brian from the team without hurting anyone’s feelings.

“Iowa’s defense and special teams have outscored the offense in the last 9 games. After watching them score zero touchdowns and posting a 1.1 QBR against an FCS school we felt we had no choice but to remove him from the team” said athletic Director Gary Barta, who Brian Ferentz technically reports to instead of Kirk Ferentz, in a statement.

“Obviously we couldn’t just fire the coach’s son, I mean can you imagine how hard that conversation would be?” explained Barta, who has gotten the University sued for gender discrimination based on past firings. “We met as a department to brainstorm some ideas, and [Deputy athletic director Barbara] Burke had a great idea: If nobody had the stomach to fire Brian, why not just promote him away?”

Barta, who has faced scrutiny for indiscriminately firing women in the past finished his statement: “I made a few phone calls to the Board of Regents and had President Barbara J. Wilson removed, effective immediately. After holding a few interviews for show, the board officially named Brian the new president.”

Miami Dolphins assistant linebackers coach Steve Ferentz was named interim offensive coordinator.