Following the shameful display of offense in Iowa’s 7-3 victory over FCS school South Dakota State, NCAA President Mark Emmert announced that the organization has decided to issue the Death Penalty to the University of Iowa Hawkeyes football program. Despite not breaking any written rules, Emmert said the product Iowa puts on the field is “detrimental to the sport itself” and must be stopped. “It’s never easy to decide to cut two-thirds of a football team. But the decision had to be made, not only for the sensibility of the rest of the country, but for the very sanity of Iowans.”
This is the first time the death penalty has been issued since Southern Methodist University was penalized for paying players as a repeat offender in 1987. It’s the first severe penalty issued to a Big Ten school since Penn State was given a four year bowl ban for something in 2012. The option of a postseason ban was considered for Iowa, as the team regularly appears in upper-tier bowl games after dicktripping its way into nine wins every fucking year. SEC commissioner Greg Sankey objected to this, though, saying that “watching Iowa get their ass kicked by our fifth- or sixth-best school is the highlight of my holidays.” Iowa is 1-4 against the SEC in bowl games since 2010, with an average margin of 17.8-27.6.
When asked to comment, the university’s athletic director Gary Barta said “Fuck, all those years kissing the CFP’s ass for nothing.” While noting the intense loss of revenue this would bring to the school, Barta asserted that he would have no choice but to fire Lisa Bluder, women’s head basketball coach. “At least there’s a silver lining,” said Barta.
Bill Hancock, executive director of the College Football Playoff, said “Why would I care?” when asked for comment. “Come on, it’s not like they were ever going to make the playoffs.” When reminded that the playoffs would be expanding to 12 teams in the near future, Hancock remarked “Yeah, but still.”
One anonymous member of the program did find some relief in the decision, noting that it was probably the only way offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz was getting fired. “Yeah, I mean obviously he had to go, but could you imagine firing your own son? Mary would kill me— er, Kirk. Hey, you can cut that out, right?”
For their parts, head coach Kirk Ferentz and his son, offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz, have been banned from football. Technically, the NCAA lacks that authority, but what, are the Patriots gonna hire Brian back? Early reports indicate that Kirk will be devoting his newly found free time to his second love: auditing corporate tax filings. Meanwhile, defensive coordinator Phil Parker will remain in football, going to literally anywhere else, where his defenses might get some fucking help. Punter Tory Taylor will return to his native Australia, where he is expected to be annointed king.
Former Iowa player and victim of the Ferentzes, Charlie Jones joined other survivors in celebrating the long overdue justice. Jones was tragically misused by the Hawkeye offense last year accumulating all of 21 receptions in 14 games. In his first game at Purdue, Jones has already accumulated 12 catches. Fellow refugee of Iowa, Tyrone Tracy was also asked to comment by the media after news broke. On the verge of tears, Tracy noted that while Iowa beat Penn State last year, it was so much more fun to play for an actual offense this season even in a losing effort to the Nittany Lions.
Although nobody asked him for comment, Scott Frost has been making his rounds on the sports talk shows since the news broke gleefully rejoicing. Apparently Frost bet Nebraska athletic director Trev Alberts that he would not lose to Iowa this season and the stakes of that bet are Frost’s job as the head coach of the Cornhuskers. Now that Iowa has been banned from ever playing football again, Frost is safe in Lincoln for another year.