There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Ohio, probably in Tennessee — that says, play an P5 school in Week 1, shame on — shame on you. Play an P5 school in Week 2 — you can’t play a good team again.

Most of the conference appears to be taking that to heart this weekend, as does most of the college football landscape:

Seriously, look at that schedule in tandem with the games we talk about below, and...man, it is bleak this week. After this week only one Big Ten team—somehow it’s Northwestern—will have played P5 schools* in each of its first two games. Some of us—looking at you, Sparty—are already out of ideas and just running it back against more MACtion.
*Nebraska and Duke, sure, but technically correct, etc.

Shit’s bleak, is what I’m saying.

But you already clicked, so who cares. And, since we’re “news”, apparently, to someone, you have to take these picks super-seriously.

The Picks

(all times CT)

Saturday, Sept 10

Arkansas State Red Wolves @ (3) Ohio State Buckeyes

11:00am | BTN | OSU -44 | O/U 68.5

Straight-Up: Bad Guys 16-0
Against the Spread: Bad Guys 11-5

MaximumSam: The defense had a chance to shine last week. Now the offense should try to get going. Arkansas State probably won’t have much for the Buckeyes, but doubt Butch Jones at your own risk. This is a man who had J.J. Watt on his team and tried to make him an offensive lineman. That kind of creativity doesn’t grow on trees. OSU 52, Arky St. 17

Buffkomodo: Ohio State is much better than this team, and though I don’t think they’ll cover I’ll bet they will.

Kind of...: This number is too high, but I’m still dumb. OSU 55-7

misdreavus79: This all depends on whether Smith-Njigba plays, but if he does, 44 points might be too low. Ohio State 76, Arkansas State 10

Thumpasaurus: The difference between JSN and the rest of the OSU receiver room is academic as far as Arkansas Sate is concerned.

RockyMtnBlue: I don’t know anything about Arkansas State but I know OSU names their offensive score and this year their defense looks pretty good too. (oh goody). Ohio State 52, Arkansas State 3

MNWildcat: Yeah...no. That number’s too high for me. And while the OSU receiver room can run circles around Them Red Wolves, I just can’t take a cover on a 44-point spread. A #narrative about the Buckeyes offense being slow-starting in 2022 would be fun, too, so maybe I’m manifesting here. Ohio State, 52-10.

Western Illinois Leathernecks @ Minnesota Golden Gophers

11:00am | BTN | Minnesota -37.5 | O/U None

Straight-Up: Minnesota 16-0
Against the Spread: Minnesota 9-4

[RMB: There was no line for this game when I originally asked for picks, so some writers never got to pick against the line. For them I’m providing an adorable puppy pic as a free service]

MaximumSam: Do we really have to comment on this game? Minny 42, Leathernecks 12

BoilerUp89: Picking any West division team to score 38 points let alone cover that is dumb. Minnesota wins.

Buffkomodo: Minnesota is much better than this team, and though I don’t think they’ll cover I’ll bet they will.

Kind of...: Western Illinois is one of the few Illinois schools that Jerry Kill has no association with, but I’m still taking Minnesota to cover. 45-3

misdreavus79: Anyone else find it kind of weird that the line against Western Illinois and the line against New Mexico State is the same? Well, likely similar results here too. Minnesota 45, Western Illinois 7

Thumpasaurus: This feels like a push for no particular reason.

RockyMtnBlue: No. Minnesota 45, Western Illinois 6

MNW: Because, misdreavus, I think the talent levels in Las Cruces and Macomb are, sadly, about the same.

I spent a few days at Western Illinois back in August 2018 doing some research. I tell you what—I’ve spent time in some depressing, dying Midwestern towns, but Macomb is up there. I take pictures and log beers everywhere I go...I saved no pictures from WIU. Downtown was a ghost town, and students were even back on campus! It was just so profoundly terrible.

These kids have suffered enough, is what I’m saying. Minnesota, 42-0.

Duke Blue Devils @ Northwestern Wildcats

11:00am | FS1 | Northwestern -10 | O/U 56.5

Straight-Up: Northwestern 10-6
Against the Spread: Duke 11-5

MaximumSam: These are beautiful games. Two limited but spunky teams going head to head in a war of the poindexters. Is Northwestern really an offensive juggernaut? Is their defense more than a beat up pair of flip flops? Duke isn’t, you know, good. They blew out Temple last week, but everyone did that last year. They are, however, a good barometer to see if the Cats are going to give it a real shot this year. NW 27, Duke 24

BoilerUp89: I’m tempted to think Northwestern is good because they beat Nebraska, but after watching the Nebraska game in part last weekend I’m leaning towards the idea that Nebraska is just terrible. Duke.

Buffkomodo: Northwestern is better than this team, and I don’t think they’ll cover so that’s what I will bet.

Kind of...: This just screams NW failing to cover, maybe even losing outright. But I will continue to be dumb. NW 31-13

misdreavus79: For the love of all things cute Northwestern, make this be the year you finally beat Duke. Northwestern 28, Duke 21

Thumpasaurus: Hey writers room I have a question: is Nebraska bad or is Northwestern good? Choose one! It can’t be both. Everyone seems to be pretty sure Nebraska is bad. There’s no evidence yet that this Duke team particularly sucks. I have no idea why Nern is a ten point favorite other than that I guess people who made preseason predictions calling for Nebraska to be good being unable to let them go.

Duke’s winning this one. Sure, August Northwestern looked good against Nebraska, but this is September.

RockyMtnBlue: Even-year Northwestern meets Northwestern’s uncanny ability to lose to Duke in football. I’m betting the answer to Thump’s question is “Northwestern is good” (at least kinda). Northwestern 27, Duke 14

MNW: I have no idea what most of you up there are on. Pat Fitzgerald is going to be convinced that what he did against Nebraska is more than enough to beat Duke. There may be no coach in America worse at preparing his team for games than Scott Frost—if Frost’s scheme can’t win, that’s on someone else, but not him.

Mike Elko will have prepared for Northwestern’s offensive strategy of “I dunno, run the ball.” We’ll see what Ryan Hilinski has to do when he needs to win a game himself. I want so desperately to believe in him, because he seems like a good dude. But remember that not even even-year Northwestern was immune from losses to Duke—see 2018. Duke, 27-17.

Ohio Bobcats @ Penn State Nittany Lions

11:00am | ABC | Penn St -24.5 | O/U 53.5

Straight-Up: Nobody believes in the bobcats
Against the Spread: Seriously. Nobody.

MaximumSam: The Mighty Mighty Bobcats invade Happy Valley, looking to put a Lion into a headlock. Have mercy on the Nits’ souls. PSU 40, Ohio 15

BoilerUp89: Since Solich left, OU has been awful. That won’t change here.

Buffkomodo: Penn State is much better than this team, and though I don’t think they’ll cover I’ll bet they will.

Kind of...: Ohio had a nice win over Florida Atlantic, but I think this is a good week for PSU to tune up the running game. PSU 42-14

misdreavus79: The fanbase will riot if Drew Allar doesn’t play the whole second half, so for everyone’s sake, I hope they already have 49 on the board at halftime. Penn State 56, Ohio 17

Thumpasaurus: The lesser Rourke is probably going to get Penn State fans excited about their defense again. He’s no Nathan.

RockyMtnBlue: Ohio is 1-0 and plays in division 1. That’s about the best I can say for them. Penn State 56, Ohio 3.

MNW: Worth noting the Bobcats did show life against FIU(?) last week in a home win to inaugurate Frank Solich Field. There’s some offense there, but not the kind that’s going to create appreciable space against the Lions’ defense. Penn State, 48-14.

Washington State Cougars @ (19) Wisconsin Badgers

2:30pm | FOX | Wisconsin -17.5 | O/U 46.5

Straight-Up: Wisconsin 16-0
Against the Spread: Wazzu 11-5

MaximumSam: Wisconsin and their fans slept through their first game. Wazzu comes to town. Expect more sleepiness. Wisconsin 18, Wazzu 10

BoilerUp89: I have trouble picking wisconsin to cover 17.5 against a team that isn’t awful. The Badgers defense is capable of holding Wazzu to a low enough scoring total, I just don’t think it’s super likely.

Buffkomodo: Wisconsin is better than this team, and though I don’t think they’ll cover I’ll bet they will.

Kind of...: The UW secondary was as leaky as you can be in a shutout last week, and now one of the starting safeties is out. They’re going to get tested. UW 31-21.

misdreavus79: Yes, Wisconsin looked pretty good, and yes, Washington State was a debacle last season, but I still think this line is a tad high —especially given that Illinois State actually moved the ball pretty well, relatively speaking. Wisconsin 34, Washington State 24

Thumpasaurus: I smell a Gentleman’s Blowout, where Wisconsin gets on the board early and Washington State kind of plays even after going down a couple scores but never seriously threatens to win the game.

RockyMtnBlue: Wisconsin experimented with throwing the ball last week. That’s fun against a junior high team. Now that they’re playing a P5 opponent they’ll go back to handing it to Braelon Allen about 30 times. It’ll work, too. Wisconsin 35, Washington St 13

MNW: Our friends from Coug Center called for a cover, and who am I to doubt them and their delicious cans of cheese? Washington State falls short, 28-14.

Maryland Terrapins @ Charlotte 49ers

2:30pm | Stadium | Maryland -27.5 | O/U 66.5

Straight-Up: Maryland 16-0
Against the Spread: Maryland 15-1

MaximumSam: Charlotte is fresh off losses to Florida Atlantic and William & Mary. This game exists, is what I’m saying. Maryland 46, Charlotte 21

BoilerUp89: Maryland cruises

Buffkomodo: Maryland is better than this team, and though I don’t think they’ll cover I’ll bet they will.

Kind of...: Maryland was fine last week, but should be better this week. 51-17 Terps.

misdreavus79: Maryland seemed almost disinterested last week. But Charlotte is even worse than Buffalo, so the Terms might eclipse 40 this time around even if they try their hardest not to. Maryland 49, Charlotte 7

Thumpasaurus: Charlotte is quite bad.

RockyMtnBlue: Maryland is good at offense. Charlotte is bad at everything. Maryland 52, Charlotte 10

MNW: The dumbest part, RMB, is that they don’t even use that logo anymore. They use a dumb C with a pick in the negative space or whatever graphic designers call “white”.

And Maryland, while good, seems like they can roll up some points but give up a few as well. The 49ers won’t go the Buffalo route of running the ball over and over into Maryland’s line — they bust a couple, only to be pegged back by the Terps’ speed. Maryland, 42-20.

Akron Zips @ (14) Michigan State Spartans

3:00pm | BTN | Michigan St -34.5 | O/U 56

Straight-Up: Michigan State 16-0
Against the Spread: Michigan State 9-7

MaximumSam: Joe Moorhead returns to the B1G, bringing the Zips to East Lansing. They got past St. Francis last week, bringing their record against high school teams to 1-0. MSU 45, Akron 13

BoilerUp89: Is Akron any good? I am too lazy to look it up and I’ll guess that they aren’t. Sparty rolls.

Buffkomodo: Michigan State es mejor que este equipo, y aunque no creo que cubran, apuesto a que lo haran.

Kind of...: Perfect game for MSU to show folks that they’ve gone pretty far to replacing Walker and aren’t going to fall off too much. Sparty 45-10, Berger + Broussard = >250 yards

misdreavus79: Yeah Michigan State isn’t covering 35. Michigan State 48, Akron 20.

Thumpasaurus: Due to fantasy football implications, I watched the last quarter of Akron’s game. Boy let me tell you what. My quarterback, D.J. Irons, SUCKS OUT LOUD. If he hasn’t lost his job, he’s sure to fool MSU fans into thinking this defense is tremendous.

RockyMtnBlue: BoilerUp89 sums up my feelings on this game precisely. Michigan State 49, Akron 10

MNW: Thanks for reminding me to reset my lineups, Thump.

I do not have any Akron players on my team, save Shocky Jacques-Louis, who in my head I calle “Shocky Jacques-Jones”. Irregardless, I hope Joe Moorhead & Co. throw it around real good, even if they lose, because I want to actually beat Thump in fantasy for once in my damn life. Sparty, 41-14.

Iowa State Cyclones @ Iowa Hawkeyes

3:00pm | BTN | Iowa -3.5 | O/U 41

Straight-Up: Iowa State 10-6
Against the Spread: Iowa State 12-4

BoilerUp89: Take the under.

Buffkomodo: No.

Kind of...: Damn, look at all the Iowa State picks. Makes sense based on Week 1, but not based on last 5 years. Iowa “rolls” 20-10

misdreavus79: The quest to see how many games Iowa can win without scoring a touchdown on offense continues this week. Iowa 5, Iowa State 3.

Thumpasaurus: You read my article earlier. Nobody cares. It’s a narrow Iowa win, and watching it will give you Legionnaire’s disease.

RockyMtnBlue: I predicted Iowa to win 4-2 last week. Didn’t miss by much. Iowa 8, Iowa State 3

MNW: Can’t wait for all the Iowa fans on Sunday to tell us how noble a burden it is that they are bearing so quietly and with such grace. Three field goals and a defensive score bring home the Children of the Corn. Iowa, 16-10.

Virginia Cavaliers @ Illinois Fighting Illini

3:00pm | ESPN-U | Illinois -5 | 53.5

Straight-Up: Illinois 12-4
Against the Spread: Illinois 9-7

MaximumSam: Once again we look to Illinois to provide a quality game. This time they host Virginia and are...favored? Virginia is one of those programs that seem like they should be much better than they are (kind of like Illinois). Bronco Mendenhall quit and fled to Montana to live out his days like he’s an episode of Yellowstone. Virginia signed up for Tony Elliott , former OC for Clemson. No Trevor Lawrence for Virginia, I’m told. Illinois 28, Virginia 24

BoilerUp89: This should be a very important game for the Illini. Win and they still have a chance to recover from that IU loss. Lose and things could go off the rails in a hurry. I’ll take them to handle a Virginia team that didn’t look overly convincing against Richmond.

Buffkomodo: Hey! A real game! Illinois can rack off yards and even Indiana is usually able to beat Virginia in the early season. I’ll take Illinois because I actually think they’re pretty okay!

Kind of...: Is it too dramatic to say that Illinois’ season is on the line? Probably not. Of course, their season is on the line in part because they really should’ve won last week and didn’t. Which means they’re actually a solid team. Illini 24-17.

misdreavus79: I’m thinking Virginia with a new coach is probably not going to do the crimes against humanity they performed last season in, Charlottesville. Illinois 23, Virginia 10

Thumpasaurus: Like the Northwestern one, I’m puzzled by this line and by everyone’s picks. I can only assume everyone’s picking Illinois to win this one because I chose going to the IU game over going to this one and of course I’m going to be sitting around my house recovering from a COVID booster instead of actually seeing the rarest of all things: an Illini victory in person.

Seriously, where’s the evidence that Virginia sucks? Their defense is probably going to be worse, but it wasn’t actually that good last year either. Jehlani Woods is gone, but Brennan Armstrong can still throw it to Wicks and Thompson, who will have a field day in our secondary. What did you see last week? Chase Brown gained a lot of his yards in spite of whiffs by the offensive line. We can’t punt, so we need to find throws DeVito can actually make in rhythm.

I certainly think Illinois will be able to move the ball, and they should be able to get pressure on Armstrong but every offensive snap for Virginia is going to be either a sack or a passing touchdown. Illinois could get 40 minutes possession and lose.

This one might actually be high scoring. I certainly hope not, but after that Indiana debacle I think Armstrong’s going for at least 400.

You all are believing in Illinois! You know what’s funny? I actually did last week. The whole game! I believed in them the whole game, right until they allowed the touchdown to blow it. I actually believed in them right up until the end like a total dipshit.

HWAHSQB: We suck. Y’all are dumb. Even if we’re better, we’ll still lose.

RockyMtnBlue: The fighting Berts aren’t fully cooked yet, but they are light years ahead of the Lovie teams. Illinois 27, Virginia 17

MNW: I have no idea what Thump said, but it seems smart and coherent. Virginia, 27-21.

Indiana State Sycamores @ Purdue Boilermakers

3:00pm | BTN | Purdue -35 | O/U None

Straight-Up: Purdue 15-1
Against the Spread: Purdue 10-3

[RMB: Another late-line game. Kittens this time, because I’m a fair-minded fellow]

MaximumSam: Woof. Purdue 47, Larry Bird 12

BoilerUp89: 35 points is too many for a West division team to cover. Even Purdue. Sure, they have the offense that their peers do not, but they aren’t going to shut out ISU, are they?

Buffkomodo: How many more of these stupid games do we have?

Kind of...: AOC’s Heisman campaign is likely dead, but I’m sure Brohm will still let him rack up some number here. Purdue 48-10

misdreavus79: Purdue looked good last week, so this should be pretty straightforward. Purdue 52, Indiana State 10

Thumpasaurus: Purdue is not really good enough to cover this except they won’t stop throwing the ball under any circumstances, so I guess they’ll score a bunch of points here.

RockyMtnBlue: Purdue’s offense is really scary if you’re a lesser team. Indiana State is a decidedly lesser team. I would like to point out that one of the writers predicted an upset against a 35pt line. That’s fun. Purdue 45, Indiana State 6

MNW:

Easily the stupidest gif I’ve ever made. Purdue, 49-7.

Wagner Seahawks @ Rutgers Scarlet Knights

3:00pm | BTN | No Line

Straight-Up: Rutgers 15-1
Against the Spread: No line

MaximumSam: Do we feel comfortable giving Rutgers gimmies now? Doesn’t feel right. Rutgers 51, Wagner 7

BoilerUp89: The giant’s gentle dreams continue.

Buffkomodo: Is most of the conference on bye?

Kind of...: Bobby is good, but getting old, and doesn’t have much talent around him. Rutgers: 35-3.

misdreavus79: How bad is Wagner? Rutgers 53, Wagner 12

Thumpasaurus: turn down for whatgers

RockyMtnBlue: I don’t know how good Rutgers is, but this isn’t a hard call to make. Rutgers 34, Wagner 10.

MNW: that’s not a real team rutgers 34-3

Georgia Southern Eagles @ Nebraska Cornhuskers

6:30pm | FS1 | Nebraska -22 | O/U 61

Straight-Up: Nebraska 16-0
Against the Spread: Georgia Southern 10-6

BoilerUp89: Another chance for Frost to add to his Nebraska win total. Defeatism hasn’t fully set in among the players this early in the season.

Buffkomodo: I mean these are no fun to pick at al….Nebraska doesn’t cover.

Kind of...: Georgia Southern used to be an elite FCS school. Back when Nebraska was an elite FBS school. Huskers 34-10.

misdreavus79: I think Nebraska manages to cover this time around. Cornhuskers 35, Georgia Southern 10

Thumpasaurus: Uh, Nebraska wasn’t elite as recently as 2012. Anyway, show me an FBS game involving the Huskers as a favorite this big and I’ll show you a nervous crowd of Nebraskans.

MNW: Oh my god WAIT it’s CLAY HELTON?!?!?!?!?!? Beautiful. Apparently Georgia Southern threw the ball 46 times in their opener against poor Morgan State, using Buffalo transfer QB Kyle Vantrease to great effect.

I’ll be honest, while I’m excited Clay Helton is here, that’s kinda fucked with my pick of “hey Georgia Southern runs it a LOT and if there’s one thing Nebraska’s bad at stopping”—well it’s special teams boners but if it wasn’t—

Too late. I’m committed. Huskers, 38-21.

RockyMtnBlue: jNebby is apparently playing against a railroad this week, but hey, at least they’re division 1. Nebraska 35, Georgia Southern 10

Idaho Vandals @ Indiana Hoosiers

7:00pm | BTN | Indiana -22.5 | O/U None

Straight-Up: Indiana 16-0
Against the Spread: Indiana 9-4

[RMB: Yep. Another late-line game (isn’t the non-con great?). Baby goats ‘cause why not?]

Buffkomodo: Read my article, take Indiana and the points.

Kind of...: Who reads the articles? Idaho gave Wazzu a little trouble and Indiana might be flat. Hoosiers 35-17.

misdreavus79: Idaho bad bad. Indiana 45, Idaho 3

Thumpasaurus: I’d be really fuckin’ mad if Bazelak got exposed by a team that went 3-5 in the Big Sky last year. Book it.

RockyMtnBlue: Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick! How many of these goddamn games do I have to pick this week? Also, I just noticed I picked thirteen big10 teams to cover the spread in one week. It’s a good thing I’m pretty. Indiana 34, Idaho 10

MNW: Same logic as Kind of..., but a whole lot fewer points. Indiana, 28-10.

Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors @ (4) Michigan Wolverines

7:00pm | BTN | Michigan -50(!) | O/U 65

Straight-Up: Michigan 16-0
Against the Spread: Even Split 8-8

MaximumSam: Michigan has somehow found some of the worst teams in football on their schedule. Their nonconference schedule includes the 111th, 122nd, and 128th ranked teams in the country via SP+. That’s out of 131. It must be in the Bible some where “ye shall find the weakest and pummel them into the ground.” At least they have their Wheel ‘O’ Quarterback to keep things interesting. Michigan 62, Hawaii 13

BoilerUp89: 50 points is too many points to bet on covering. Michigan wins. By a lot. But I can’t predict 50+

Buffkomodo: It’s over. Dear god it’s over. But Michigan isn’t covering 50.

Kind of...: Will Michigan keep McCarthy in late to give Harbaugh more ammunition in declaring him starter? Or will they go into a shell quick and bench McCarthy because they’ve already decided he’s the starter? I’ll say the latter: Michigan 45-0.

misdreavus79: I don’t care how bad Hawai’i is, 50 points is a lot of points. Michigan 55, Hawai’i 7

Thumpasaurus: Vanderbilt did a number on this Hawaii squad on the road. Michigan will do a bigger one.

RockyMtnBlue: Aaand we have my only pick not to cover. I like my team. I think JJ McCarthy against a bad defense is funballs. But 50 is a big spread. Michigan 49, Hawai’i 7.

MNW: Which quarterback gets mad at Harbaugh after this one? Michigan, 52-6.

Let us know your picks in the comments. For whoever needs to hear it, “SBNation” means “Sports Blog Nation”, not “Serious Bitchin’ News” or whatever. Good God.

Have a great weekend, everyone.