The Weekly Mailbag must admire Brock Spack’s mustache and coward’s punts.

Happy Friday, friends. We’ve all made it through the week yet again (except you, Lizzy. Get in the box.) and our reward is watching our team play football again. Yes, even you Iowa fans.

Is that a perfect segue for the first question? Yes, yes it most certainly is!

How many games will Iowa win without scoring a touchdown? - HistoryCat

Buffkomodo: Iowa State, Illinois, Northwestern, and Nebraska are all candidates for this. Let’s say they get 1.

Thumpasaurus: they’ll head into the illini game with none and put up 5.

Kind of…: Assuming they’re already at 1, I’m going to say zero more. The might lose a game or two without scoring a TD. And they might win a game scoring only a defensive or special teams TD, but I’m taking the under.

BRT: I don’t think they will win any more games without a TD. I hope they lose many without doing so.

misdreavus79: This is an interesting question because, and you know it, Iowa is quite capable of going the entire season without scoring a touchdown altogether, let alone on offense.

So the question, astutely, isn’t “how many games will Iowa fail to score a touchdown in,” because the answer is an obvious “all of them.” Instead, we ask, “will it be enough to win?” Well, that’s a little different.

Iowa plays Michigan, Rutgers, and Ohio State from the East. Two of those three are quite content playing the kind of game tailor made for Iowa to win by scoring a field goal and a safety, or maybe two safeties if we’re feeling frisky. The other just got done beating a team without passing for over 300 yards, as they’re normally used to.

Then you have the West, where five of the seven teams are carbon copies of each other, one of the seven is the literal opposite, and then there’s Nebraska, who, like a box of chocolates, will surprise you in new and exciting ways every week!

So, theoretically, Iowa can win the West without scoring a single touchdown offensively, if the rest of the division insists on stubbornly running the ball and pretending that quarterbacks and wide receivers are things reserved for them fancy schools over there.

I started writing this answer fully convinced that Iowa was not going to score a touchdown all season, which would lead to many losses. I’m done answering the question, and I still believe they’re not scoring a touchdown on offense all season, but somehow I’ve convinced myself that the offensive ineptitude in the West will actually allow these fools to win the division again anyway.

Beez: Zero. Iowa doesn’t get a third tier FCS team on their schedule the rest of the year. I don’t care how good their punter and defense are, if they can’t score TDs on offense they’re maxing out at 3 wins the rest of the way. This is of course assuming the Ferentzes continue doing their thing and bizarrely/smugly/slightly racist-ly decide to make no changes.

RockyMtnBlue: One (the one they already have). Now if you asked how many games they win without an offensive touchdown, that might be a different story. I’d say two, with three more likely than one.

MNW: None. If you wanted to make that “offensive touchdown” I might make room for “one” as an answer.

WSR: Tune in tomorrow to EL ASSICO to find out if there’s one more!

To be, or not to be? - RockyMtnBlue

Buffkomodo: That is the question.

Kind of…: Camus definitively answered this. The correct answer is “to be” even acknowledging all the bad shit Hamlet wouldn’t stop whining about. But, yes, you have to imagine Sisyphus happy (which might be hard for Iowa fans right about now).

BRT: I find philosophy bros tedious.

misdreavus79: Whatever helps you sleep at night.

HWAHSQB: I dropped Philosophy 101 because I just don’t care. Do and be what you want as long as it doesn’t mess with someone else.

Beez: Man, there’s only two options. Unless you’re Chidi Anigone (sp?), just pick one.

RockyMtnBlue: It was a trick question. The answer is ‘potato.’

MNW: Theory–political, historical, philosophical, whatever–is terrible. I hate it so much. Get money, get paid, we’re all gonna die.

WSR: Just be. It’s a far more entertaining existence when you are then when you aren’t. As a twitter friend used to say before he had the good sense to disappear from that hellsite, “Always go to the show.” And in life, everything is the show. Be, friends. Be.

Having just finished Westworld and Ted Lasso I need another binge show between football games. Suggestions? - LandofSkyBlueWatersGopher

Buffkomodo: Let me tell you friend, I just watched the hit FX show Justified. I know it’s a tad older, but good god I loved every second of it. If you haven’t seen it, give it a spin. Timothy Olyphant and Walter Goggins are amazing.

Kind of…: DEAR LORD ALMIGHTY. BUFFKOMODO IS RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD START WATCHING JUSTIFIED AS SOON AS YOU FINISH THIS ARTICLE. TAKE TIMOTHY OLYPHANT FROM DEADWOOD, BUT MAKE HIM LACONIC (WHILE STILL OCCASIONALLY TWITCHY), AND TAKE WALTON (DAMMIT BUFFKOMODO IT’S WALTON!!!) FROM THE SHIELD, BUT MAKE HIM VERBOSE AND CHAMELEON-ESQUE. ADD IN SIMPLY SOME OF THE BEST WRITING FOR ANY SHOW EVER (MANY OF THE SUPPORTING CHARACTERS REGULARLY GET THE BEST LINES) AND SUSPEND DISBELIEF A BIT. IT’S YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF JEANS AND SOME GREAT SIPPING BOURBON ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.

*Buff checks google*

Buffkomodo: Dammit. I legit thought it was Walter. Anywho, they’re getting a revival soon and I can’t wait. You should watch that too.

HWAHSQB: Justified is awesome. Spoiler alert: One of my favorite lines of any show ever is when Timothy Olyphant throws a bullet at a guy and tells him if he sees him again, the next bullet will be coming a whole lot faster. Another older series that I highly recommend is Hannibal. Mads Mikkelsen is super creepy and it was just a visually interesting well produced show (like Iowa’s offense)

misdreavus79: It’s dumb shows or intense shows over here. No in between. So, if you haven’t watched Stranger Things, go do that. If so, Never Have I Ever will keep you entertained. Abbott Elementary will hit home right quick if, like me, you went to school in the inner city. Home Economics is another dumb show that’s dumb but you’re already watching TV so clearly you’re not looking for mental stimulation.

RockyMtnBlue: Can confirm on Justified. One of my favorites. The season 2 villain might be my favorite TV villain of all time. Other suggestions: Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is very good (seasons 1-3, not so much 4). Anything Aaron Sorkin.

Misdreavus79: Season 4 was good. I don’t know what RMB is on.

WSR: Um, I’m not always the best person for this type of question because my TV/Movie backlog is working to catch up with my book backlog. Following some cajoling, I just started watching New Girl recently and that’s been decent. I’ve also heard good things about Justified and will probably have to try to check that out here soon too.

I rode a lot of roller coasters this summer. What’s your favorite roller coaster that you’ve ridden? Top 10? - IUinVA

Buffkomodo: I had a roller coaster of emotions Friday night, that’s for sure. Not really a roller coaster guy, but I do enjoy Rock ‘n Rollercoaster in Hollywood Studios.

Thumpasaurus: The Ron Zook Era

HWAHSQB: The Ron Turner Era

BRT: I only started tolerating roller coasters as an adult. I still don’t love ones that feature giant drops. The first one I went on as an adult that made me realize they were kind of fun was a Hulk-themed one at Universal, so I’ll say that. My gateway coaster, if you will.

misdreav79: Not a roller coaster, but that one where they lift you like 500 feet and then you drop and you feel like you’re going to die and you say all your prayers and get all your affairs in order during the drop and then you’re on the ground and still feel like you’re floating. That one.

RockyMtnBlue: I haven’t been on a coaster in nearly 20 years, but the Beast in King’s Island is my favorite, with Cedar Point’s Raptor in 2nd (very different, but a great coaster, especially from the front seat)

MNW: I have nothing against roller coasters and ride them when presented with the opportunity, but I just don’t have a huge list. The one I remember is before freshman year at Northwestern, we had special access to Six Flags for the night. Since I was writing one of them, the Batman one or something, it started to mist and then rain. Nothing like getting pressure washed on a roller coaster, just hanging there like an idiot.

WSR: The next one you go on will be awesome. When I was younger and smaller, I loved going on roller coasters. Then when I got to HS I couldn’t fit as easily into the harnesses and they’re less fun. Corkscrew at Valleyfair was a wonderful way to spend a minute of time after waiting in line for a half hour, and Wild Thing was nice too. Get out there and ride the roller coasters, darnit.

You’ve gotten to watch read about 1 game so far, so make your predictions - which B1G teams will NOT be bowl eligible this year? - ProveIt

Buffkomodo: Nebraska, Rutgers, at this point probably Indiana, and I-wa.

Thumpasaurus: Find me five more wins for an Illini team that can’t punt, score in the red zone or cover the middle of the field. You can’t.

Kind of…: Illinois, Nebraska, Northwestern, Indiana, and Rutgers

BRT: This question depresses me.

misdreavus79: I sure hope it’s Iowa, but see my answer above.

HWAHSQB: I hope it’s Iowa also, but Illinois, Maryland, Indiana, rugster, and Nebraska

Beez: Indiana, Nebby, Northwestern, Purdue, PSU. If Wisconsin didn’t have a super soft non-con, the current pessimist in me would was Wisconsin.

RockyMtnBlue: 3-9 Michigan will be the only big10 team to miss a bowl this year.

MNW: Indiana, Illinois, Rutgers, Northwestern. Nebraska and Purdue are on notice.

WSR: Indiana, Northwestern, Illinois, and Nebraska feel like easy picks. Maryland is also usually a choice for me because of coaching.

How was Brock Spack not immediately picked up by a B1G school on Sunday Morning? He chose to punt 3 times from Wisconsin’s side of the field, including one from the UW 30! - BradNortmansActingCoach

Kind of…: You can do the cowardly punt with regularity OR you can have a kick-ass mustache. But you can’t do both. They cancel out. If he wants a B1G job, he needs to shave the mustache (or stop with the punting).

BRT: I will never forgive this kid’s parents for that name. I know it’s none of my business, but I hate it so much. How do you sit around tossing out baby names and not realize how terrible Brock sounds with Spack? Is there a mitigating middle name that blinded them to the aural assault that is “Brock Spack”? I’m just really disappointed in them.

misdreavus79: Because the Iowa job won’t come open for another 30 years.

Beez: Wait did this actually happen? Woof I suddenly feel much worse about Wisconsin’s chances this season.

RockyMtnBlue: From the 30?!? Was he on the take?

MNW: His time is past. A few years back I would’ve called him a natural successor at Illinois or one of the Indiana schools. Now? You gotta get some points outta those drives is you punt from positive field position. Need to score a safety.

WSR: Misdreavus nailed it. He’s the perfect man for the Iowa job when it opens, but it won’t open in our lifetime. That mustache and dour demeanor and love of cowards punts make him so perfect for Iowa it’s not even funny.