Don’t Watch This; Watch That: Your Week 7 Guide to the College Football Schedule

Twenty-five miles per hour on any highway within the corporate limits of a city or village, other than on highways in outlying districts in such city or village.

Those words, found in 346.57(4)(e) of the Wisconsin State Legislative Code, annoy me more than perhaps anything else in the state.

On any highway—like US 53 through Spooner, for example, or Business 51 through Stevens Point—despite the road being a four-lane highway not through a residential neighborhood, the signs posted on the edge of town will drop the speed from 55 to 35 to 25 in the span of just a mile or two.

It is awful, a cheap fundraising ploy for the Barney Fifes of those towns*, and when I am dictator of the world, it is my second order of business. (The first, of course, being that all rivalry games must be nationally televised for free, beginning with UNLV-Nevada.)
* Yes, I speed and am a bad person. Sorry.

Minnesota (169.14) mandates 30 miles an hour in urban areas (unless otherwise posted—cities like Minneapolis and St. Paul have dropped many side streets to 20). Illinois does the same. In fact, here’s what the state-mandated speed limits are inside incorporated urban* areas in the Big Ten:

Iowa and Nebraska don’t have set speed limits for incorporated areas. The cheap joke would be that they don’t have any stated need for urban speed limits; I, of course, resist such tomfoolery here.

Was this all just an excuse for me to start dusting off my rusty digital visualization skills? Perhaps, but then what’s the purpose at all of writing a poorly-trafficked article about the college football schedule?

Thursday Evening
Don’t Watch This

Wagner Seahawks at St. Francis (PA) Red Flash [6pm, CBSSN]
SMU Cocaineponies (-12, O/U 49.5) at East Carolina Pirates [6:30pm, ESPN]

{NFL} Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs [7:15pm, Prime Video]

{MLB} Atlanta Braves at Philadelphia Phillies [7:07pm, TBS]

{WSOC} Michigan at Rutgers [5pm, BTN]
{WSOC} Iowa at Northwestern [7pm, BTN]
{CONMEBOL} Argentina vs. Paraguay [7pm, Universo]
{CONMEBOL} Brazil vs. Venezuela [7:30pm, Universo]

Watch That

West Virginia Mountaineers at Houston Cougars

6pm | FS1 | WVU -2.5 | O/U 49.5

Fort Valley State (GA) Wildcats at #11 Benedict College (SC) Tigers

6:30pm | ESPN2

I regret to inform you all that baseball is canceled.

But I finally can say that I understand* what the college Soil Judging competitions are!

Well...kind of? Students describe the various characteristics and layers of soil in a five-foot pit—over the span of one hour, they...

assess the color, consistency, and constituent elements such as sand, clay and organic matter, and then describe various properties such as the ability of the soil to transmit and retain water and support roots, infer the geological history of the site, assign the classification of the soil, and determine the potential challenges of using the soil for land uses such as building a home. [Maryland]

Did you know, as well, that these competitions are super-impromptu and that students, with just a week’s notice, will be told they’re going from Wisconsin to Purdue for a competition the entirety of next week? Oh, and that it means they’ll miss my midterm and need a makeup exam a full week later?

I like to learn new things about soil judging, and this year I learned that competitions are totally vibes-based and just pop up with no notice! A college senior was totally surprised he’d be going to Purdue in a week!

Good luck on your midterm, buddy.

Friday Evening
Don’t Watch This

Stanford Cardinal at Colorado Buffaloes (-11.5, O/U 60) [9pm, ESPN]

{MSOC} wisconsin at Rutgers [5pm, BTN]
{USL} Hartford Athletic vs. FC Tulsa [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} New Mexico United vs. Memphis 901 [8pm, ESPN+]

{VB} #14 Penn State at Iowa [7pm, BTN]

Watch That

Tulane Green Wave at Memphis Tigers

6pm | ESPN | Tulane -4.5 | O/U 54.5

Fresno State Bulldogs at Utah State Aggies

7pm | CBSSN | Fresno -4 | O/U 57

Color me surprised to see Fresno only a 4-point favorite at Utah State, but give me that over the incessantly-hyped pasting that’s about to occur in Boulder.

Every once in a while I see Willie Fritz’s name bandied about as a Northwestern replacement. Would I love that? Probably! Do I think there’s any way in hell that a dude from Kansas who’s never left the lower-central Midwest or South (KS, TX, MO, GA, LA) for a job would thrive in the Big Ten? Eh...

Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This

#1 Georgia Bulldogs (-31, O/U 56) at Vanderbilt Commodores [11am, CBS]
Indiana Hoosiers at #2 Michigan Wolverines (-33.5, O/U 45) [11am, FOX]
#3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-19.5, O/U 49.5) at Purdue Boilermakers [11am, Peacock]
Syracuse Orange at #4 Florida State Seminoles (-17.5, O/U 56) [11am, ABC]
Arkansas Razorbacks at #11 Alabama Crimson Tide (-20, O/U 46.5) [11am, ESPN]
Michigan State Spartans at Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-4.5, O/U 39.5) [11am, BTN]
Iowa State Cyclones at Cincinnati Bearcats (-5, O/U 44.5) [11am, FS1]
Kent State Golden Flashes at Eastern Michigan EMUs (-10, O/U 39.5) [11am, CBSSN]

{UEFA} Bulgaria vs. Lithuania [11am, Fox Soccer]
{UEFA} Slovenia vs. Finland [11am, FS2]
{Segunda} Sporting Gijon vs. Real Zaragoza [11:30am, ESPN+]

Watch That

Temple Owls at North Texas Mean Green

11am | ESPNU | UNT -5 | O/U 70

Georgia Southern Eagles at James Madison Dukes

11am | ESPN2 | JMU -6 | O/U 58.5

Since beating Norfolk State on September 16, Temple has lost games 41-7, 48-26, and 49-34. In North Texas’s five games this year, they’ve given up 58, 46, 37, 31 (to an FCS team), and 27 (to Navy). Let’s score some points and get good and dumb.

Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This

Navy Midshipmen (-3, O/U 43) at Charlotte 49ers [1pm, ESPN+]
Toledo Rockets (-17, O/U 47.5) at Balls Tate Robotbirds [1pm, ESPN+]
#20 Youngstown State Penguins at #17 South Dakota Coyotes [1pm, ESPN+]
California Golden Bears at #16 Utah Utes (-12, O/U 45.5) [2pm, Pac-12]
#26 Northern Iowa Panthers at #1 South Dakota State Jackrabbits [2pm, ESPN+]
UMass Minutemen at #6 Penn State Nittany Lions (-41.5, O/U 54.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
Texas A&M Aggies at #19 Tennessee Volunteers (-3, O/U 55) [2:30pm, CBS]
#23 Kansas Jayhawks (-3, O/U 55.5) at Oklahoma State Cowboys [2:30pm, FS1]
Troy Trojans (-4.5, O/U 43) at Army Black Knights [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Illinois Fighting Illini at Maryland Terrapins (-14, O/U 51) [2:30pm, NBC]
Florida Gators at South Carolina Gamecocks (-2, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, SECN]
Wake Forest Demon Deacons at Virginia Tech Hokies (-1.5, O/U 47) [2:30pm, ACCN]
BYU Cougars at TCU Horned Frogs (-6, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
FAU Owls at South Florida Bulls (-2.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Akron Zips at Central Michigan Chippewas (-12, O/U 43) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Bowling Green Falcons at Buffalo Bulls (-4.5, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-8.5, O/U 44.5) at Western Michigan Broncos [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Iowa Hawkeyes at Wisconsin Badgers (-10, O/U 35) [3pm, FOX]
Ohio Bobcats (-6.5, O/U 44) at Northern Illinois Huskies [3pm, ESPNU]
UNLV Rebels (-9.5, O/U 53.5) at Nevada Wolf Pack [4pm, MWN]

{UEFA} Hungary vs. Serbia [1:45pm, FS2]
{UEFA} Denmark vs. Kazakhstan [1:45pm, Fox Soccer]
{Friendly} USMNT vs. Germany [2pm, Telemundo/Universo/Peacock]
{Segunda} Espanyol vs. Real Valladolid [2pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Detroit City vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds [3pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Charleston Battery vs. Birmingham Legion [4pm, ESPN+]
{CPL} Cavalry vs. Forge [4pm, Fox Soccer]

Watch That

#8 Oregon Ducks at #7 Washington Huskies

2:30pm | ABC | UW -3 | O/U 67

#15 North Dakota State Clown College and Bull Castration Station Bizon at #7 North Dakota Nazi Memorabilia Enthusiasts

1pm | ESPN+

Hey look, the worst people you know are playing a football game!

...enough about USC-Notre Dame, that’s not until later.

NDSU and North Dakota played for the Nickel Trophy (see inset), and frankly I’m irritated that it is no longer a prize for the winner of this game. That’s a 75-pound aluminum alloy that was stolen the moment it was unveiled (per Wiki):

It was first awarded in 1938 when NDSU won 17–13. It has been the object of many theft and “kidnapping” attempts by students from both universities. Governor William Langer was asked to participate in the unveiling of the new award in Grand Forks. Moments after the unveiling an unidentified student stepped up to Governor Langer, told him “I’ll take care of this for you”, and disappeared with the nickel trophy. It turned up 36 hours later on the front lawn of then UND President John C. West [...] and a new tradition of “kidnapping” or “borrowing” the trophy had begun.

That’s the good, clean, dumb fun we need more often: robbing a sitting governor—who was convicted of a felony and, upon being removed from office, declared martial law in Bismarck and barricaded himself in the Governor’s Mansion—in broad daylight.

Or you could watch Iowa and wisconsin play for a big, dumb bull that doesn’t even have testicles.

Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This

San Jose State Spartans (-8, O/U 58.5) at New Mexico Lobos [5pm, MWN]
#14 Louisville Cardinals (-7.5, O/U 45) at Pittsburgh Panthers [5:30pm, The CW]
Arizona Wildcats at #19 Washington State Cougars (-8, O/U 59) [6pm, Pac-12]
Auburn Tigers at #22 LSU Tigers (-11, O/U 61) [6pm, ESPN]
Kansas State Wildcats at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-1.5, O/U 56.5) [6pm, FS1]
ULM Warhawks at Texas State Bobcats (-16, O/U 64) [6pm, ESPN+]
#10 USC Trojans at #21 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-3, O/U 60.5) [6:30pm, NBC]
#25 Miami Hurricanes at #12 North Carolina Tar Heels (-3.5, O/U 58) [6:30pm, ABC]
Missouri Tigers at #24 Kentucky Wildcats (-2.5, O/U 51.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
NC State Wolfpack at #17 Duke Blue Devils (-3.5, O/U 45) [7pm, ACCN]
UAB Blazers at UTSA Roadrunners (-9, O/U 67.5) [7pm, ESPNU]

{NHL} Chicago at Montreal Canadiens [6pm, NHLN]

{Lots of USL} — 6:30-7:30 start times on ESPN+
{MLS} Nashville SC at New England Revolution [7:30pm, AppleTV]
{MLS} Dallas Burn at Colorado Rapids [7:30pm, AppleTV]
{Friendly} Mexico vs. Ghana [7:30pm, TUDN/FOX Deportes]

Watch That

Marshall Thundering Herd at Georgia State Panthers

6pm | ESPN2 | Georgia State -1 | O/U 54

Wyoming Cowboys at Air Force Falcons

6pm | CBSSN | AFA -10.5 | O/U 41.5

#18 UCLA Bruins at #15 Oregon State Beavers

7pm | FOX | Oregon State -3.5 | O/U 54

{VB} #14 Penn State at #2 Nebraska

7pm | BTN | Preview Here

Frankly, Air Force being 10.5-point favorites, even at home against Wyoming, seems surprising. The Cowboys have beaten Texas Tech and Fresno State, and perhaps the wisdom of Vegas here is that they’re away from the cozy confines of War Memorial Stadium.

This one will be fast—as in time, because they’re just going to run the ball nonstop—and not only fun, but might help determine the G5 representative in the New Year’s Six.

It’s late and I’m drunk...
Don’t Watch This

Boise State Broncos (-7.5, O/U 60.5) at Colorado State Rams [8:45pm, FS1]

{USL} Monterey Bay vs. Orange County SC [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Oakland Roots vs. Lokomotiv El Paso [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Sacramento Republic vs. Miami FC [9pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} LA Galaxy at Real Salt Lake [9:30pm, AppleTV]
{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. San Diego Loyal [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#10 Montana Grizzlies at #3 Idaho Vandals

9:30pm | ESPN2 | Battle for the Little Brown Stein

San Diego State Aztecs at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10pm | CBSSN | SDSU -3.5 | O/U 53.5

It is the Official Editorial Policy of Off Tackle Empire that Mike Tomlin is great. And here’s why:

Saturday night we get that in the form of STEIN GAME—in which Montana and Idaho play for a tankard. Not only that, but where do they play it?

UIdaho

KIBBIE DOME TIME.

Enjoy the games, everyone.