Week 7: B1G Stock Report

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It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are five “Buys” and seven “Sells.” This is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index.

The race for division leads began in earnest this week. Iowa defeated Wisconsin to get the inside track to Indy, while Penn State and Ohio State tuned up for their season-defining game this coming Saturday. The top teams are in the East, but that division still reserves the right to be putrid, as any fan of Maryland or Michigan State can attest. Things can change quickly in a football season. Would you have believed me, two or three weeks ago, if I told you that Rutgers should become bowl eligible before Maryland? Wacky stuff.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ?

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

Kirk Ferentz, the once and future King of Shit Mountain. Congrats, or something.

Onward.

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Buy

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Indiana, 52-7) After a slow start, the Wolverines put their boot on Indiana’s neck and did not let them get up. Michigan operated efficiently, spread the ball around, and played a disciplined game. One sore spot is pass protection — something that must be shored up before they play Penn State and Ohio State. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Michigan State.

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Purdue, 41-7) The Buckeyes ran out to a 20-0 lead and dominated from there. Injuries at running back are a concern — Ohio State was down to their fourth choice after Chip Trayanum was injured in the first quarter. Penn State comes to town in a game that will frame the remainder of the race in the East. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Penn State.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Defeated Wisconsin, 15-6) The Iowa passing line this week was 6-14-0-37. The offense earned nine first downs. The result? Iowa retains a livestock statue thanks to a special teams advantage, strong defense, and winning the turnover battle. They will probably find a way to retain the pig sculpture this coming week, too. Next up: Minnesota.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Defeated Michigan State, 27-24) Rutgers is tough. They hit hard, they run the ball, and they persevere. This was a classically ugly football contest, right down to the foul weather and turnovers. I suspect that, this time next week, we will need to start telling children about a 6-2, bowl eligible, Rutgers. Next up: @Indiana.

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated UMass, 63-0) I do not watch snuff films. (First-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Ohio State.

Hold

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Defeated Maryland, 27-24) After last week’s performance, I did not think the Illini had it in them to win this. I was looking at the problem from the wrong perspective — history tells us that Maryland definitely had it in them to lose in October. I look forward to seeing if Bert can build on this against the Badgers. It is possible. Next up: Wisconsin.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Idle) The bye week provided an opportunity for Nebraska to heal up, resolve the starting quarterback issue, and try to tailor the offense into something effective. The battle of the two “NU’s” has real Keystone Kops potential. Next up: Northwestern.

Sell

Maryland Terrapins

(Lost to Illinois, 27-24) There is a chill in the air, the leaves begin to turn, and Maryland flounders — these are the hallmarks of October. Maryland fell at home to a team that lost to Nebraska last week. It is good that there is a bye week, so they can think about what they have done. Next up: Idle (@Northwestern, 10/21).

Wisconsin Badgers

(Lost to Iowa, 15-6) It seems that Wisconsin was caught between two identities — the road graders of old, and the novel Dairy Raid. Iowa, on the other hand, knows exactly who they are — an affront to modernity and a ruthlessly efficient punting machine. In this case modernity failed, and punting was winning. Next up: @Illinois.

Purdue Boilermakers

(Lost to Ohio State, 41-7) There would be no harboring this week. The Boilers were predictably outmatched. This is a time to reset, now they go into a bye week to prepare for a very winnable road matchup against Nebraska. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Idle (@Nebraska, 10/21).

Indiana Hoosiers

(Lost to Michigan, 52-7) The good news? The Hoosiers won the first quarter, 7-0. The bad news? Michigan won the rest of the game 52-0. Indiana is now playing two quarterbacks, a possible quarterback controversy. Things are moving from bad to worse in Bloomington. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: Rutgers.

Michigan State Spartans

(Lost to Rutgers, 27-24 ) This contest was like two tribute bands playing covers of the B1G West’s greatest hits. Michigan State led by eighteen points at the start of the fourth quarter. Thanks to special teams miscues that can only be described as “Frostian,” Sparty found a way to lose...in regulation. Congrats on being shitbird of the week. Next up: Michigan.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Idle) As I prepare this article, I see a tweet that the over/under for the Floyd of Rosedale game is set at something like 32.5 points. I do not gamble, but if I did...I think I know what I would do. Next up: @Iowa.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Idle) This matchup should be a glorious must-watch. Next up: @Nebraska.

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Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.