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Week 5: B1G Stock Report

Michigan State v Iowa
Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are four “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index.

The fifth week of the season demonstrated that this is a highly stratified conference. There are three (maaaybeee four) dominant teams (all from the East), while the rest of the B1G is a hodgepodge of broken dreams, dysfunction, and failure. Michigan State and Indiana may be added to the West as honorary members.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ?

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

Badger musk dominates the miasma. Congrats, or something.



Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Nebraska, 45-7) Harbaugh’s crew looked every bit the national championship contender in its throttling of Nebraska. The offense moved at will, and the battle in the trenches was entirely one-sided. The Wolverines did not commit a turnover, nor did they have a penalty enforced against them. Great teams put in performances like that, notwithstanding the caliber of opposition. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Minnesota.

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Northwestern, 41-13) In an unsurprisingly uninspired performance, two teams with feline mascots turned Ryan Field into a litterbox* on Saturday. It was not great viewing. The Nittany Lions played with their prey before ultimately dismembering the Wildcats. Over the next two weeks the Nits are idle, then they humiliate UMass. The October 21 game against the Buckeyes looms large. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (UMass, 10/14).

Maryland Terrapins

(Defeated Indiana, 44-17) Taulia Tagovailoa is awfully good, and he has several receivers who can test any defense. The Terps disposed of the Hoosiers with confidence and precision with a total team effort. September has now ended. Can Maryland truly compete against the best of the East? They just might. We are about to find out, (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Ohio State.

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Idle) The Buckeyes have had a week to revel/recover after their Notre Dame victory. I suspect their eyes are on a late-October matchup with Penn State, but it might behoove them to take the Terps seriously. Next up: Maryland.


Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Defeated Wagner, 52-3) A bunch of dudes from Jersey ran into a bunch of dudes from Staten Island, and promptly slapped them silly. The Scarlet Knights did exactly what was expected of them. Rutgers has five games remaining, and if they can find ways to win two of them, they will go bowling. I expect that they will frustrate the Badgers on the road in Madison. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Wisconsin.

Purdue Boilermakers

(Defeated Illinois, 44-19) I thought Purdue might win, but I did not expect them to win like this. The Boilers put together a big third quarter to put away the Illini. The offense was productive, and managed to run for 189 yards against the once stout Illini defense. Things finally came together. Congrats, Trains. Win in Iowa City and you will be in “Buy” territory. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Iowa.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Defeated Michigan State, 26-16) Once again, the Hawkeyes rode a turnover advantage and excellent special teams to a home victory. The offense? The Iowa offense is not unlike leprosy: It is a chronic condition that compels people to avert their eyes, and there is no good reason it should exist in the present day. To add injury to insult, Cade MacNamara exited the game early, and watched the second half on crutches. We at OTE wish him a quick and full recovery. Next up: Purdue.

Wisconsin Badgers

(Idle) October is a big month for the Dairy Raid. The Badgers face Rutgers, Iowa, Illinois, and Ohio State. These should be highly physical contests, testing the efficacy of Luke Fickell’s approach. Next up: Rutgers.


Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Defeated Louisiana, 35-24) The Gophers wanted to bounce back from the Northwestern loss with a resounding performance. This was not that. The Louisiana offense proved difficult to contain, and Minny could not pull away until the fourth quarter. The Wolverines come to Dinkytown this week, and I do not anticipate that it will go well. Next up: Michigan.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Lost to Penn State, 41-13) This game was tied 10-10 at the half. This probably says more about Penn State’s level of enthusiasm than Northwestern’s acumen. That being said, the ‘Cats still have five West opponents to face, and it is conceivable that they could beat any (but certainly not all) of them. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Howard.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Lost to Michigan, 45-7) The good news for Nebraska is twofold: The Huskers have only turned the ball twice over the last three games; and the Michigan game is now behind them. Nebraska has a long way to go before it can be competitive with a national contender like the Wolverines. It was a whupping. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: @Illinois (Friday).

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Lost to Purdue, 44-19) Illinois was plagued by penalties, sacks, and assorted miscues against Purdue. This sets up a Friday night tussle against Nebraska, where both teams will try to find their footing and make progress towards respectability. It should be a compelling, if not aesthetically pleasing, contest. Sickos assemble. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Nebraska (Friday).

Michigan State Spartans

(Lost to Iowa, 26-16) The Spartans significantly outgained Iowa, and also had an eight minute time of possession advantage. Those would seem to be ingredients to win a rock fight, right? Not when you have four turnovers, nearly a century of penalty yards, and allow a punt return touchdown. It was bad football. Next up: Idle (@Rutgers, 10/14).

Indiana Hoosiers

(Lost to Maryland, 44-17) The Hoosiers were outclassed. Indiana fired their OC yesterday, so that should tell you something about how this game went. Indiana is shitbird of the week. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Idle (@Michigan, 10/14).

* h/t Green 96

Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.


Week 5: Who should be most embarrassed?

This poll is closed

  • 11%
    (48 votes)
  • 3%
    Penn State
    (16 votes)
  • 0%
    (4 votes)
  • 5%
    (24 votes)
  • 25%
    (109 votes)
  • 25%
    (107 votes)
  • 6%
    (28 votes)
  • 18%
    Michigan State
    (80 votes)
  • 1%
    Pete Mote Polytechnic
    (7 votes)
423 votes total Vote Now