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Don’t Watch This; Watch That, Week 9: Ranking the Rivalry Trophies

...in the order in which I’d like to sleep with them.

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Your favorite Big Ten coaching weirdo is back at it:

Now, I hate* to be a bucket of cold water, but I’d like to clear a few things up:

  • Iowa fans: If you have a problem with this or posted “WHAT A FREAK,” shut the fuck up. (1) You can’t wave your arm like that, (2) holy fuck is that not why you lost, and (3) if Lisa Bluder or Caitlin Clark or someone photographed themselves in bed with a trophy you would lose your minds posting the photo to Facebook or AltaVista over and over.
  • Minnesota fans: HE’S NOT EVEN THE FIRST COACH FROM MICHIGAN TO DO THIS.

Football coaches are dumb weirdos on the best of days, and attention-seekers now more than ever. This is Objectively Funny, sleeping with a rivalry trophy, and it is my thesis statement for this article that More Coaches Should Do It.

And then use Lysol afterwards.

To help college football coaches figure that out, I have come up with a ranking system for Trophies I’d Like To Sleep With. Imagine this like the “Rank the Babes” slideshows of Daulerio-era Deadspin, only based on things that are mostly bronze and that I definitely don’t want getting stuck in weird parts of my body.

To be clear: we’re just going to keep it to Big Ten rivalry trophies. This will already be too long and too dumb an article; please know that I would definitely like to sleep with The Holy Grail, formerly awarded to the winner of St. John’s and St. Thomas in Minnesota. And know that, yes, my wife already has to sleep with the prize awarded to the winner of Concordia-Moorhead and St. Olaf: the Troll Trophy.

To the list!

Big Ten Rivalry Trophies, Ranked by the Order in Which I Would Like to Spoon Them

Poll

Which Big Ten rivalry trophy would you most like to spoon?

This poll is closed

  • 5%
    Paul Bunyan
    (15 votes)
  • 10%
    Jug
    (29 votes)
  • 10%
    Illibuck
    (29 votes)
  • 2%
    HAT
    (6 votes)
  • 19%
    Floyd
    (52 votes)
  • 19%
    Axe
    (51 votes)
  • 7%
    Something else (comments!)
    (20 votes)
  • 24%
    Why do I read this website?
    (65 votes)
267 votes total Vote Now

Thursday Evening
Don’t Watch This

Syracuse Orange at Virginia Tech Hokies (-3, O/U 47) [6:30pm, ESPN]
Long Island Sharks at Central Connecticut Blue Devils [6pm, CBSSN]
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Buffalo Bills [7:15pm, Prime Video]

{MHKY} #7 Michigan State at #3 Boston College [6pm, ESPN+]

{VB} Minnesota at #16 Purdue [6pm, BTN]

Watch That

Georgia State Panthers at Georgia Southern Eagles

6:30pm | ESPN2 | GASo -1.5 | O/U 62.5

#18 wisconsin badgers at #1 Minnesota Golden Gophers

8pm | BTN

By popular demand, wisconsin-Minnesota does rise to the level of a WATCH THAT tonight (albeit rightfully—I’m curious to see how fast Mike Hastings can pull the badgers can into relevance).

But Modern Day Hate is what deserves your attention here. There’s ticket-stealing, there’s jealousy, there’s stadium takeovers with a white-out, there’s “the real GSU”. That is college football.

Poll

Thursday night! What's on?

This poll is closed

  • 9%
    Modern Day Hate!
    (12 votes)
  • 13%
    Syracuse-VaTech
    (17 votes)
  • 35%
    Hockey!
    (46 votes)
  • 16%
    The NFL
    (21 votes)
  • 6%
    Volleyball
    (8 votes)
  • 19%
    Something else
    (25 votes)
129 votes total Vote Now

Friday Evening
Don’t Watch This

Brown Bears at Penn Quakers [6pm, ESPNU]

{VB} Penn State at Michigan [6pm, BTN]

{MLB} Arizona Diamondbacks at Texas Rangers [7:03pm, FOX]
{NHL} Chicago Blackhawks at Las Vegas Golden Knights [5pm, NHL Network]
{MHKY} #18 wisconsin at #1 Minnesota [8pm, BTN]
{Liga MX} Necaxa vs. Pumas [8pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Mazatlan vs. Queretaro [10pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Florida Atlantic Owls at Charlotte 49ers

6:30pm | ESPN2 | FAU -4.5 | O/U 41

#7 Michigan State at #3 Boston College

6pm | ESPN+

Sacramento Republic vs. San Antonio

USL Championship | 9:30pm | ESPN+

Wellington Phoenix vs. Perth Glory

A-League | 11:30pm | YouTube | The Distance Derby

In honor of Wellington-Perth, which is the longest road trip in top-flight soccer anywhere in the world...

I believe that at the FBS level, only Hawai’i-Boston College would be farther.

Make it happen, Powers That Be.

Poll

Friday viewing?

This poll is closed

  • 14%
    FAU-Owls
    (15 votes)
  • 36%
    Hockey!
    (39 votes)
  • 5%
    Soccer?! The hell
    (6 votes)
  • 43%
    Something else
    (47 votes)
107 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This

Maryland Terrapins (-13.5, O/U 48.5) at Northwestern Wildcats [11am, BTN]
#4 Florida State Seminoles (-20, O/u 53.5) at Wake Forest Demon Deacons [11am, ABC]
Indiana Hoosiers at #10 Penn State Nittany Lions (-32, O/U 44.5) [11am, CBS]
UMass Minutemen at Army Black Knights (-10, O/U 48) [11am, CBSSN]
UConn Huskies at Boston College Eagles (-13, O/u 51.5) [11am, ACCN]
Houston Cougars at Kansas State Wildcats (-17, O/U 60.5) [11am, ESPN2]
West Virginia Mountaineers at UCF Knights (-7, O/U 59.5) [11am, FS1]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at SMU Cocaine Ponies (-20.5, O/U 57) [11am, ESPNU]
#21 Holy Cross Crusaders at Fordham Rams [12pm, ESPN+]

{Serie A} Lecce vs. Torino [11am, Paramount+]
{EPL} Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Newcastle United [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Mallorca vs. Getafe [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} RB Leipzig vs. Koln [11:30am, ESPN+]

Watch That

#6 Oklahoma Sooners at Kansas Jayhawks

11am | FOX | OU -9.5 | O/U 66

Western Michigan Broncos at Eastern Michigan Eagles

12pm | ESPN+ | WMU -2.5 | O/U 45.5

Listening to a radio program at the moment, I don't know if there's anything more nails-on-a-chalkboard than people who pronounce milk "melk". Maybe wisconsinites who unironically call it a bubbler.

Poll

Saturday morning and, uh...maybe take the morning?

This poll is closed

  • 35%
    Oklahoma-Kansas
    (38 votes)
  • 16%
    Weemu-EMU
    (18 votes)
  • 33%
    My Big Ten team is playing at this time
    (36 votes)
  • 14%
    Soccer?
    (16 votes)
108 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This

Clemson Tigers (-10, O/U 44) at NC State Wolfpack [1pm, The CW]
Memphis Tigers (-7.5, O/U 68) at North Texas Mean Green [2pm, ESPN+]
#1 Georgia Bulldogs (-14.5, O/U 49) at Florida Gators [2:30pm, CBS]
BYU Cougars at #7 Texas Longhorns (-17.5, O/U 51) [2:30pm, ABC]
Pittsburgh Panthers at #14 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-20, O/U 45) [2:30pm, NBC]
#20 Duke Blue Devils at #18 Louisville Cardinals (-4, O/U 46) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Mississippi State Bulldogs at Auburn Tigers (-6.5, O/U 43.5) [2:30pm, SECN]
Michigan State Spartans at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-7, O/U 40) [2:30pm, BTN]
Purdue Boilermakers at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-2.5, O/U 42) [2:30pm, FS1]
Virginia Cavaliers at Miami Hurricanes (-18.5, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Iowa State Cyclones (-1.5, O/U 47.5) at Baylor Bears [2:30pm, ESPN+]
East Carolina Pirates at UTSA Roadrunners (-19, O/U 48) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles at Appalachian State Mountaineers (-17, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Ohio Bobcats (-7, O/U 40) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
#24 USC Trojans (-11, O/U 67.5) at California Golden Bears [3pm, Pac-12]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at UL Monroe Warhawks (-2, O/U 56.5) [4pm, ESPN+]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns at South Alabama Jaguars (-10, O/U 52.5)
Wyoming Cowboys at Boise State Broncos (-5, O/U 49) [4:30pm, FS2]

{Bundesliga 3} Kaiserslautern vs. Hamburger SV [1:30pm, ESPN+]
{Serie A} Juventus vs. Hellas Verona [1:45pm, Paramount+]
{La Liga} Cadiz vs. Sevilla [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Philadelphia Union vs. New England Revolution [4pm, MLS Pass]
{USL1} Union Omaha vs. Charlotte Independence [4:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#1 South Dakota State Jackrabbits at #9 South Dakota Coyotes

1pm | ESPN+ | DAKOTA BATTLE

#8 Oregon Ducks at #13 Utah Utes

2:30pm | FOX | Oregon -7 | O/U 49

#22 Tulane Green Wave at Rice Owls

3pm | ESPN2 | Tulane -11.5 | O/U 54.5

It bothers me that there is not yet a rivalry trophy for the South Dakota Showdown. And so I submit:

  • Rushmore Trophy
  • The Battle for the Buffalo Chip
  • The Ol' Hay Bale

Tell me yours in the comments. And watch SDSU-USD.

Poll

Afternoon, Slim.

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    DAKOTA SHOWDOWN
    (17 votes)
  • 28%
    Oregon-Utah
    (36 votes)
  • 1%
    The Old Money Bowl
    (2 votes)
  • 48%
    My Big Ten team is playing at this time
    (61 votes)
  • 0%
    Soccer
    (0 votes)
  • 7%
    Something else?
    (9 votes)
125 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This

#5 Washington Huskies (-26.5, O/U 59.5) at Stanford Cardinal [6pm, FS1]
#19 Air Force Falcons (-12, O/U 49.5) at Colorado State Rams [6pm, CBSSN]
#21 Tennessee Volunteers (-4, O/U 51.5) at Kentucky Wildcats [6pm, ESPN]
Troy Trojans (-6.5, O/U 53) at Texas State Bobcats [6pm, ESPN+]
#3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-14.5, O/U 45.5) at wisconsin badgers [6:30pm, NBC]
Vanderbilt Commodores at #12 Ole Miss Rebels (-25.5, O/u 63.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
Colorado Buffaloes at #23 UCLA Bruins (-17, O/U 63.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
#17 North Carolina Tar Heels (-11.5, O/U 63.5) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [7pm, ACCN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at #25 James Madison Dukes (-20.5, O/U 49) [7pm, ESPNU]
Washington State Cougars (-6.5, O/U 51) at Arizona State Sun Devils [7pm, Pac-12]
Cincinnati Bearcats at Oklahoma State Cowboys (-7.5, O/U 54.5) [7pm, ESPN2]

{VB} Penn State at Michigan State [6pm, BTN]
{VB} Maryland at Iowa [8pm, BTN]

{NHL} Toronto Maple Leafs at Nashville Predators [6pm, NHL Network]
{CPL} Forge vs. Cavalry [6pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{Liga MX} Cruz Azul vs. Leon [7pm, TUDN]
{USL} Charleston Battery vs. Birmingham Legion [7pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Louisville City vs. Detroit City [7:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL1} North Carolina vs. Northern Colorado [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Marshall Thundering Herd at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers

5pm | NFL Network | Marshall -4 | O/U 45

Northwestern State Demons (0-6) at McNeese Cowboys (0-7)

7pm | ESPN+

Arizona Diamondbacks at Texas Rangers

7:03pm | FOX | Game 2

Update on the Northwestern State-McNeese game and, indeed, the rest of the NSU season following the shooting death of Demons player Ronnie Caldwell:

Normal article follows from here.

It was New Deal Day in Professor MNW's class—one of my favorite days of the year.

If something new to emphasize every year, though, and for some reason this year students were fascinated by Huey Long, the Share Our Wealth Society, and the 100% tax on income over $1 million. To understand his flamboyance and mild despotism, though, it took recounting the story of the 1934 LSU Tigers, whose coach Biff Jones of Huey's meddling that he informed the team at the halftime of their final game that he would be quitting as coach, "win, lose, or draw."

They won, and he quit anyway. Long didn't live to see the 1935 season.

Poll

Saturday evening!

This poll is closed

  • 0%
    Herd-Chants
    (1 vote)
  • 2%
    The worst in Louisiana
    (3 votes)
  • 15%
    World Series
    (19 votes)
  • 3%
    Hockey
    (4 votes)
  • 1%
    Soccer
    (2 votes)
  • 19%
    My Big Ten team is at this time
    (25 votes)
  • 0%
    Volleyball
    (1 vote)
  • 0%
    Competitive eating
    (1 vote)
  • 9%
    THERE'S NOT ENOUGH WRESTLING ON THIS BLOG
    (12 votes)
  • 19%
    THERE'S NOT ENOUGH NEW DEAL TALK ON THIS BLOG
    (24 votes)
  • 26%
    I HAD ALREADY FORGOTTEN YOU TALKED ABOUT SPOONING RIVALRY TROPHIES
    (34 votes)
126 votes total Vote Now

It’s late and I’m drunk...
Don’t Watch This

Idaho State Bengals at #7 Sacramento State Hornets [8pm, ESPN+]
New Mexico Lobos at Nevada Wolf Pack (EVEN, O/U 49.5) [9:30pm, CBSSN]

{MLS} Los Angeles FC vs. Vancouver Whitecaps [8pm, MLS Pass]
{Liga MX} Pachuca vs. Puebla [8:05pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Chivas vs. Tigres [8:05pm, TUDN]
{USL} Orange County SC vs. Phoenix Rising [9pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Monterrey vs. America [10:10pm, TUDN]
{A-League} Central Coast Mariners vs. Macarthur [11pm, YouTube]

Watch That

#11 Oregon State Beavers at Arizona Wildcats

9:30pm | ESPN | Oregon State -3.5 | O/U 56.5

UNLV Rebels at Fresno State Bulldogs

9:30pm | FS1 | Fresno -8.5 | O/U 58.5

San Jose State Spartans at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10:59pm | Team1Sports | SJSU -8.5 | O/U 60.5

This is about as close to a smorgåsbord as you can get. Even the Don't Watch game, New Mexico at Nevada, is a pick'em! I think the over will hit in Oregon State at Arizona, UNLV has been doing a tightrope walk and will likely get stuck playing catch up against the Bulldogs, and of course there is just the absolute delight that is San Jose heading down to Hawai'i for some late action on a weird app.

Poll

It's late, I'm drunk, and I'm watching...

This poll is closed

  • 25%
    Oregon State-BEARDOWN
    (25 votes)
  • 8%
    UNLV-Fresno
    (8 votes)
  • 3%
    San Jose-Hawai'i
    (3 votes)
  • 10%
    Still watching the World Series, thanks
    (10 votes)
  • 3%
    Nevada-New Mexico
    (3 votes)
  • 3%
    MLS soccer?
    (3 votes)
  • 1%
    USL soccer??
    (1 vote)
  • 0%
    Mexican soccer???
    (0 votes)
  • 1%
    Australian soccer?!?!?
    (1 vote)
  • 1%
    whatever the bar has on
    (1 vote)
  • 45%
    lol i passed out hours ago
    (45 votes)
100 votes total Vote Now

Enjoy the games, everyone. May you be blessed and your bed be full of rivalry trophies.